I walked into my kitchen to get my phone this morning and noticed I had missed a call. It's work. I press the voicemail button and press the tiny plastic contraption to my ear.
"Hey Melissa, it's Matthew. Uh, you have a 10:45 this morning. I'm not sure if you knew that or not, but she's here so could you please give me a call back."
Oh damn. It's 11:00 How did I miss this? I never take a 10:45. My day is supposed to start at 12pm. What happened? I call the salon back. Matthew answers.
"Hey darlin' it's Melissa."
"Hey. Listen, I'm sorry, there must have been a miscommunication somewhere…" he trailed off.
"I don't know how that could happen when I don't take a 10:45."
"I know. It must have been open because of the meeting this morning." he replied.
" I missed a meeting?!" I squeal.
"Yeah…"
"Dammit. Ok. I'm not ready to come to work yet. Can you please reschedule my 11:30?"
"I will. Your 10:45 isn't happy. I got her in over at Decatur, but she was bitching about how this is the second time she's been rescheduled."
"What?! She's knows why she was rescheduled two weeks ago. I know it's not your fault about today but good Lord!" I feel my chest heating up with rage.
"I know. She calmed down once I sent her over there."
I sigh. "Thank you. I'll see you in a little bit."
"Your welcome. Don't worry sweetie."
"Bye."
"Bye."
I hang up the phone. A rush of tears suddenly takes over and doubles me over the counter. I can barely breathe it's coming so hard. Stupid fucking !!! Fuck you! I want to scream and throw things. Rage streams through my veins as my tears burn my cheeks. I come to work every single fucking day, do my job and do it well. I don't call in sick and I don't flake out on my clients. I deliver consistent service and do what is expected. The ONE time I may need folks to be the slightest bit understanding of the current situation they want to be assholes. Believe it or not, I'm a human being! Complete with emotions and a life contrary to popular belief. For a second, just one little second can you not see me as a thing to dump your shit on, but as a person and have a teeny bit of compassion? I just lost the best thing that happened to me!!! Can you give me one fucking minute to get my shit together ? THEN I'LL DO YOUR FUCKING HAIR!!!
I stumble around grappling for the things I'll take to work today. I finally walk out the door, climb into the car and drive. I'm still crying hysterically and shaking so hard I'm amazed I even got to work. I know I don't need clients like this. I know she sucks but I'm disappointed in myself for not paying attention plus, her anger is adding to the fact that I can't bring Rob back and fix everything.
I walk through the door and down the hall to the break room. I put my things down and notice Matthew in the office.
"Hey. Did you get my 11:30 rescheduled?" I ask.
"I did. She's coming in this afternoon to see you."
"Thank you." I sigh.
"Come here." he hugs me.
The tears start up again.
"Sweetie, don't worry. It's ok."
"I'm just mad that I'm trying to be here, I'm trying to be happy but I'm not and this wants to be awful." The words barely make it out of my mouth. I hate what I sound like when I'm trying to talk and cry at the same time. I also hate having this meltdown at work.
"Don't be mad."
I know I don't need to be mad but I am. I just need everyone to understand that and let me be mad and then I'll move on from it. Again, for once in my life I'm not interested in hiding how I feel anymore. I'm almost grateful to be filled with such rage. I'm scared of it's intensity but it means I'm actually feeling something.
I stand there, not wanting to move.
"She does want you to call her though." he tells me.
"What? What for?"
"I don't know."
"I'm not calling her." I manage to calmly state. "I don't understand why she'd need to talk to me."
"To bitch at you I guess."
"Fuck that." I walked out of the room.
Shali set up my station for me. My 12pm wants something different but not too different. She'd like bangs but not too short or too long, and layers but not too short. Honey please, I don't have the energy for this today, nor the brain power to focus on finding the perfect balance between all her requests.
"I want my bangs in my face but not in my eyes." she tells me.
What the hell am I supposed to do with that information?
"Ok, do you want them shorter then?"
"No. I don't know. What do you think?"
Get out of my chair.
I finally cut her damn bangs and start my next one. He's quiet for the most part. I feel my eyes filling up with tears again as the blade of my shears glide across his neck. Why am I crying? I think to myself.
I have yet another freak show coming in after him. She hates her hair which makes my job all the more difficult. When the client doesn't like the hair God gave her, there is nothing I can do to make it better. When I ask her a question she just stares at me. No reply, just staring. She doesn't start talking until I've shampooed her and combed her out. I've found it best to not ask anything.
My day ends. I've asked my manager for more time off. All I can think about is writing, and Rob of course but that's a given. I want to write until my hands fall off. It's something I've always thought about, taking time off work to just chill in a coffee shop and write. I didn't think it would happen like this. She marks two weeks off. I'm ecstatic.
I get into the car and drive to Smyrna to see my most favorite clients, Stuart and Kathleen. Stuart needs a haircut and wanted to know if I'd come to their place to do it. Gladly.
He opens the door before I'm able to knock.
"Hey! I dressed up for ya!" he exclaims. He's wearing a t-shirt and shorts. I usually see him in a suit.
I smile and hug him.
"You ok?" he asks.
"Nope!" I still manage a smile. I saw Kathleen the day before Rob died. I haven't seen Stuart since.
He hugs me again and then we walk over and sit in the living room. I tell him about my day. As I'm finishing the story, Kathleen walks down with their year old baby, Parker.
"Hey!" she sits down with him.
"Hi!" It's so nice to be with fabulous people.
"How was work?" she asks.
"It's um, over."
"That good huh?"
"Tell her what happened." Stuart piped up.
I retold my story.
"What is wrong with people?!" she exclaims.
"I know!"
"Look, this is what you should say the next time you see her." Stuart says. "Tell her, "I'm so sorry we had to reschedule your appointment. Next time I'll try and schedule my boyfriend's death at a more convenient time for you." That'll shut her up!"
Kathleen and I explode into laughter.
This is all I really wanted to do today. Write and see them. I've been doing their hair for over five years now. I can't believe that much time has gone by.
We ate pizza and talked. I cut Stuart's hair, then went home. I enjoyed the drive back. I thought about all the good people that I'm surrounded by. For every hundred fabulous people there are only a few assholes which in the grand scheme of things is pretty nice. How else would I be able to appreciate the good ones if I didn't have some bad ones in there somewhere?
Monday, May 12, 2008
Monday...
The cardinal slammed into the window as I was talking to my mom in her kitchen. We both practically jumped out of our skin then leaped up to look out the window where the bird was now sitting on the deck, obviously stunned.
"That's the second one this week." Mom says while walking to the door that leads to our deck.
In the seconds it took for us to get out there the bird had turned over on it's back. She leaned down and picked it up. He was still breathing, and sitting very still in her hands.
"It a baby." she said while my fingertips grazed the top of his feathered head. I said nothing but stared at this little creature with his bright red tail and soft brown body that was sprinkled with red feathers. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. It's not every day you get to pet a cardinal.
We were both very still and very quiet, watching him inhale and exhale. Minutes later his beak was beginning to open wider as if to take in more air.
"He's not going to make it." Mom said.
His breathing became more labored while we stood there feeling completely helpless. I watched the little guy take his last breath before his tiny body went limp. Where did he go? I thought to myself. He was just here.
I stop by a coffee shop before going to visit mom and dad. As I'm walking out my phone rings. It's my friend Shannon. I sit in the parked car and talk to her for a bit. It gets hot and I turn the car on but didn't crank the ignition. Stale air blows on me for about 15 minutes before I decide to turn the car's ignition on. It doesn't start. Oh hell no. Don't tell me I've blown up two cars in two weeks. I keep trying to crank it. I'm going to lose my shit at any moment. It's not turning over. All the lights are on, so it can't be the battery. Starter? Alternator? Hell if I know. I squeal to Shannon that the car isn't starting and she says she's right down the street and will be over there asap. We get off the phone. I keep trying to crank it. Nothing. I pop the hood, and get out to have a look. I don't see anything crazy. Dammit. Back in the car. I pull out the owner's manual for whatever reason. Not really sure what I'm looking for. I think to myself. "Where is Rob? He knows how to deal with this stuff." I try to crank it again. Nothing. I sit there and think about calling Rob and think about what he'd say to do. I have no idea. I pray for the car to not be blown up. "Fix it honey. I have no idea what to do with it!" I think to myself. I stare out the windshield and take a deep breath. I really need to calm down. I try turning the key one more time. The engine starts. EEK! I drive it a little. Everything sounds fine, feels fine. I have no idea what just happened but I'm quite grateful. I call Shannon and tell her it's all under control.
I get to mom and dad's and try to read but I'm dozing off. I talked to dad for a little bit before he went out to do some yard work. I think about playing the piano but I'm having trouble concentrating. Mom comes home and we eat dinner. I feel like I want to talk but I don't know what to say. I listen to her talk about her day and watch dad clean up the dishes.
After dinner and the cardinal incident, I am stretched out on the living room floor, mom in her chair. I stare at the ceiling, letting my mind wander… It's Sunday afternoon and the sun is shining through the window. I'm sitting at the kitchen table of my apartment with some papers from work spread out before me. I'm trying to snap out of the bad mood that has crept up on me, but I'm finding it to be rather difficult. Rob walks in and sits next to me. I manage a smile but have a hard time looking him in the eye when I get like this. I'm not sure what to do so I get up and sit in his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck and resting my chin on the side of my elbow, my cheek pressed against his. I feel his arms circle around my waist, gently squeezing me in a long hug. I let go and press my mouth to his. Over and over I kiss him deeply, completely sinking into him and enjoying every second. He reciprocates and I think to myself that this is sheer ecstasy.
He pulls away and says "You're kissing me like you don't believe I love you."
I stare at him trying to make sense of what he just said. "That's exactly what I'm looking for. Love." I smile and our lips meet again and again and…
"So how are you? I mean, really, how are you holding up?" Mom's voice interrupts my thoughts.
I can't speak. I'm still staring at the ceiling. I don't have an answer. I don't know how I am. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm anxious. I'm happy. I'm grateful. None of those words describe how I really feel though.
"I don't know." I reply. "I wish I knew, but I don't have words for it."
She doesn't say anything.
"I really don't want to work tomorrow." I sigh. "I know I need to, I just don't feel like taking care of anyone else right now."
"You seem to be handling things ok though." she replies.
"Everyone says that."
"Well, I mean, you've done a lot of crying which helps a lot and you've been able to talk about it a good bit. I think that's a really good thing."
I nod.
Things that were important before Rob are no longer. Work and the constant obsession I have with my body is not the center of my life anymore. I'm finding it most important to connect with people, telling them what's on my mind and how I feel. It's not holding out for another chance I think I might get. It's doing everything I've ever wanted to do, never waiting until tomorrow. It's taking chances and having faith. It's learning something new. It's asking obscure questions and really listening to the answers. It's about smiling at people on the street, letting someone in front of me in traffic, picking up someone else's tab, loving with everything I've got. It's about taking care of myself for once and doing things I enjoy. It's about experiencing little moments in life like making out with the person I loved most on a random Sunday afternoon that makes this whole life journey that much sweeter.
"That's the second one this week." Mom says while walking to the door that leads to our deck.
In the seconds it took for us to get out there the bird had turned over on it's back. She leaned down and picked it up. He was still breathing, and sitting very still in her hands.
"It a baby." she said while my fingertips grazed the top of his feathered head. I said nothing but stared at this little creature with his bright red tail and soft brown body that was sprinkled with red feathers. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. It's not every day you get to pet a cardinal.
We were both very still and very quiet, watching him inhale and exhale. Minutes later his beak was beginning to open wider as if to take in more air.
"He's not going to make it." Mom said.
His breathing became more labored while we stood there feeling completely helpless. I watched the little guy take his last breath before his tiny body went limp. Where did he go? I thought to myself. He was just here.
I stop by a coffee shop before going to visit mom and dad. As I'm walking out my phone rings. It's my friend Shannon. I sit in the parked car and talk to her for a bit. It gets hot and I turn the car on but didn't crank the ignition. Stale air blows on me for about 15 minutes before I decide to turn the car's ignition on. It doesn't start. Oh hell no. Don't tell me I've blown up two cars in two weeks. I keep trying to crank it. I'm going to lose my shit at any moment. It's not turning over. All the lights are on, so it can't be the battery. Starter? Alternator? Hell if I know. I squeal to Shannon that the car isn't starting and she says she's right down the street and will be over there asap. We get off the phone. I keep trying to crank it. Nothing. I pop the hood, and get out to have a look. I don't see anything crazy. Dammit. Back in the car. I pull out the owner's manual for whatever reason. Not really sure what I'm looking for. I think to myself. "Where is Rob? He knows how to deal with this stuff." I try to crank it again. Nothing. I sit there and think about calling Rob and think about what he'd say to do. I have no idea. I pray for the car to not be blown up. "Fix it honey. I have no idea what to do with it!" I think to myself. I stare out the windshield and take a deep breath. I really need to calm down. I try turning the key one more time. The engine starts. EEK! I drive it a little. Everything sounds fine, feels fine. I have no idea what just happened but I'm quite grateful. I call Shannon and tell her it's all under control.
I get to mom and dad's and try to read but I'm dozing off. I talked to dad for a little bit before he went out to do some yard work. I think about playing the piano but I'm having trouble concentrating. Mom comes home and we eat dinner. I feel like I want to talk but I don't know what to say. I listen to her talk about her day and watch dad clean up the dishes.
After dinner and the cardinal incident, I am stretched out on the living room floor, mom in her chair. I stare at the ceiling, letting my mind wander… It's Sunday afternoon and the sun is shining through the window. I'm sitting at the kitchen table of my apartment with some papers from work spread out before me. I'm trying to snap out of the bad mood that has crept up on me, but I'm finding it to be rather difficult. Rob walks in and sits next to me. I manage a smile but have a hard time looking him in the eye when I get like this. I'm not sure what to do so I get up and sit in his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck and resting my chin on the side of my elbow, my cheek pressed against his. I feel his arms circle around my waist, gently squeezing me in a long hug. I let go and press my mouth to his. Over and over I kiss him deeply, completely sinking into him and enjoying every second. He reciprocates and I think to myself that this is sheer ecstasy.
He pulls away and says "You're kissing me like you don't believe I love you."
I stare at him trying to make sense of what he just said. "That's exactly what I'm looking for. Love." I smile and our lips meet again and again and…
"So how are you? I mean, really, how are you holding up?" Mom's voice interrupts my thoughts.
I can't speak. I'm still staring at the ceiling. I don't have an answer. I don't know how I am. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm anxious. I'm happy. I'm grateful. None of those words describe how I really feel though.
"I don't know." I reply. "I wish I knew, but I don't have words for it."
She doesn't say anything.
"I really don't want to work tomorrow." I sigh. "I know I need to, I just don't feel like taking care of anyone else right now."
"You seem to be handling things ok though." she replies.
"Everyone says that."
"Well, I mean, you've done a lot of crying which helps a lot and you've been able to talk about it a good bit. I think that's a really good thing."
I nod.
Things that were important before Rob are no longer. Work and the constant obsession I have with my body is not the center of my life anymore. I'm finding it most important to connect with people, telling them what's on my mind and how I feel. It's not holding out for another chance I think I might get. It's doing everything I've ever wanted to do, never waiting until tomorrow. It's taking chances and having faith. It's learning something new. It's asking obscure questions and really listening to the answers. It's about smiling at people on the street, letting someone in front of me in traffic, picking up someone else's tab, loving with everything I've got. It's about taking care of myself for once and doing things I enjoy. It's about experiencing little moments in life like making out with the person I loved most on a random Sunday afternoon that makes this whole life journey that much sweeter.
Fourteen...
I woke up to my alarm at 6:30am. I'm meeting Amy for coffee before work. The last time I saw her was a few weeks ago. Rob and I had dinner at her place with her and her husband Jamie. We couldn't wait to see them again.
"Melissa, every time he looked at you, you could see the fireworks." she said to me shortly after on the phone. I was grinning so hard my face hurt. I knew the way he looked at me was the sweetest expression ever but it's extra special when someone else notices also.
I turn over in bed and see yet again that I'm alone. The left side of my bed has remained untouched. I sigh and roll over and out of the bed, feeling my feet hit the cold wooden floor. I stumble into the bathroom and start the shower. I peel off his shirt. It smells more like me than him now.
I step into the shower and feel the hot water striking my bare skin. I'm completely listless as I go through the motions of getting clean. I need to cry and I'm frustrated that the tears won't come. I reach down to turn the water off. Where's my towel? I think to myself. I step out of the bathtub and on to the tile. I take Rob's towel off the rack and wrap it around me. I don't know why I felt the need to do that but I did.
In my room, I pull on my favorite pair of jeans and open my t-shirt drawer. I don't know what I feel like wearing. As the thought leaves my mind, I feel compelled to put on a striped navy shirt my mom gave me back in high school that has a ladybug on it. I haven't worn it in forever.
"I need a pet name for you." Rob said to me one night on the phone.
"Oh yeah?" I laugh.
"I think I got it."
"What is it?" I ask.
"Ladybug." he replied.
"Perfect!" I laugh again.
I pull the shirt on and think "Rob, are you dressing me today?" I grab my work bag and begin to head for the door. I stop and look at my room before turning out the light. Everything feels empty without him.
I get to Inman Perk coffee before Amy and order a soy latte. I've had one every day in memory of Rob. It was his favorite drink and I feel that consuming it, let's me consume a part of him.
As I sit and get settled it dawns on me that I still have to go to work today. I stare at the wall. No. I can't. I can't focus on hair and conversation today. I need some time. Just a little time alone. Not too much though.
Amy walks in and hugs me hard.
"How are you sweetie?" she says when I let go.
I shrug. "You know…"
"I'm so sorry."
I nod. "Thank you."
She goes to get coffee and then sits with me. I've missed her so much. It's hard to look at her though. I can't stop thinking about the future plans Rob and I were making with her and her husband.
We talk non stop. I tell her all about the week following his death and she fills me in on pieces of her life. I could stay here all day and talk.
"I have to study this afternoon." she sighs.
"Yeah, I need to call the salon."
"You not going in?"
"I can't today." I shake my head. "I'm so overwhelmed for some reason."
She hugs me goodbye. We promise to hang out again soon. I call work. I hate calling in. I don't do it unless I'm near death. This feels pretty close to it though. I get into the car and turn on the ignition. Another weird feeling comes over me. I feel compelled to go to visit Rob at the cemetery. I decide to go home and get my Gerbera daisies.
I arrive at my driveway put the car in park. I don't get out though. I stare at the sky. No clouds. It looks like it did the day he died. I then remember that it's Sunday. It's been fourteen days since my dad called to say Rob was gone. I pick up my phone and dial Rob's number. It goes straight to voicemail. I cannot grasp the fact that the voice I hear no longer exists. It's only a recording of vibrations escaping a body that was once alive, reverberating in my ears.
I hang up before the beep and climb out of the car. I walk into my house and get the flowers and a notebook before walking back out again. My brain is wandering but manages to direct my hands and feet to go this way and that until I get to the cemetery. I park the car and get out. It's starting to get warm outside. I walk until I find him, next to his great aunt. I walk back to the car and put it in reverse and back up until I'm parallel to him. The song playing on the radio is Jewel's "You Were Meant For Me." It's the third time I've heard it in two weeks. I wonder if he's playing it for me.
I get out of the car again with my notebook and flowers and walk over to him. I place the flowers on the new grass that covers the grave and sit down. I write for a while, pausing occasionally to look around, or to stare at the grass before me. A memory creeps into my mind about us laying in bed. I had climbed on top of him one morning, head resting on his chest, my arms looped under his with my fingers resting on his shoulders, knees drawn up to his ribcage, trying to get as close as possible to him. I felt like a little bug taking up residence on his soft body.
An hour passed. My skin was beginning to burn. I decided to leave and go to my parent's. I have yet again, this intense urge to play the piano and to paint. I want to learn a new song. I have no patience when it comes to learning music but I see and accept now that I can't do something perfectly the first time and that doesn't mean I'm not good at it, it just means I need to practice. Apparently I somehow managed to believe I was above practicing. Over and over, one measure at a time I went over and over the notes until I slowly began to get it right. It's going to take an eternity to learn this song but I'm going to do it! Getting lost in playing has taken my mind to a different place.
I do manage to squeeze in some paint time. Again, I stopped focusing on being perfect and just put paint to canvas. I'm still judgmental over my work but I think that will fade eventually.
I'm so sleepy. I need to write but I can't think anymore. I drive back to Atlanta, singing the whole way home. This time two weeks ago I was at Rob's parent's. I still don't fully comprehend all that's happened.
"Melissa, every time he looked at you, you could see the fireworks." she said to me shortly after on the phone. I was grinning so hard my face hurt. I knew the way he looked at me was the sweetest expression ever but it's extra special when someone else notices also.
I turn over in bed and see yet again that I'm alone. The left side of my bed has remained untouched. I sigh and roll over and out of the bed, feeling my feet hit the cold wooden floor. I stumble into the bathroom and start the shower. I peel off his shirt. It smells more like me than him now.
I step into the shower and feel the hot water striking my bare skin. I'm completely listless as I go through the motions of getting clean. I need to cry and I'm frustrated that the tears won't come. I reach down to turn the water off. Where's my towel? I think to myself. I step out of the bathtub and on to the tile. I take Rob's towel off the rack and wrap it around me. I don't know why I felt the need to do that but I did.
In my room, I pull on my favorite pair of jeans and open my t-shirt drawer. I don't know what I feel like wearing. As the thought leaves my mind, I feel compelled to put on a striped navy shirt my mom gave me back in high school that has a ladybug on it. I haven't worn it in forever.
"I need a pet name for you." Rob said to me one night on the phone.
"Oh yeah?" I laugh.
"I think I got it."
"What is it?" I ask.
"Ladybug." he replied.
"Perfect!" I laugh again.
I pull the shirt on and think "Rob, are you dressing me today?" I grab my work bag and begin to head for the door. I stop and look at my room before turning out the light. Everything feels empty without him.
I get to Inman Perk coffee before Amy and order a soy latte. I've had one every day in memory of Rob. It was his favorite drink and I feel that consuming it, let's me consume a part of him.
As I sit and get settled it dawns on me that I still have to go to work today. I stare at the wall. No. I can't. I can't focus on hair and conversation today. I need some time. Just a little time alone. Not too much though.
Amy walks in and hugs me hard.
"How are you sweetie?" she says when I let go.
I shrug. "You know…"
"I'm so sorry."
I nod. "Thank you."
She goes to get coffee and then sits with me. I've missed her so much. It's hard to look at her though. I can't stop thinking about the future plans Rob and I were making with her and her husband.
We talk non stop. I tell her all about the week following his death and she fills me in on pieces of her life. I could stay here all day and talk.
"I have to study this afternoon." she sighs.
"Yeah, I need to call the salon."
"You not going in?"
"I can't today." I shake my head. "I'm so overwhelmed for some reason."
She hugs me goodbye. We promise to hang out again soon. I call work. I hate calling in. I don't do it unless I'm near death. This feels pretty close to it though. I get into the car and turn on the ignition. Another weird feeling comes over me. I feel compelled to go to visit Rob at the cemetery. I decide to go home and get my Gerbera daisies.
I arrive at my driveway put the car in park. I don't get out though. I stare at the sky. No clouds. It looks like it did the day he died. I then remember that it's Sunday. It's been fourteen days since my dad called to say Rob was gone. I pick up my phone and dial Rob's number. It goes straight to voicemail. I cannot grasp the fact that the voice I hear no longer exists. It's only a recording of vibrations escaping a body that was once alive, reverberating in my ears.
I hang up before the beep and climb out of the car. I walk into my house and get the flowers and a notebook before walking back out again. My brain is wandering but manages to direct my hands and feet to go this way and that until I get to the cemetery. I park the car and get out. It's starting to get warm outside. I walk until I find him, next to his great aunt. I walk back to the car and put it in reverse and back up until I'm parallel to him. The song playing on the radio is Jewel's "You Were Meant For Me." It's the third time I've heard it in two weeks. I wonder if he's playing it for me.
I get out of the car again with my notebook and flowers and walk over to him. I place the flowers on the new grass that covers the grave and sit down. I write for a while, pausing occasionally to look around, or to stare at the grass before me. A memory creeps into my mind about us laying in bed. I had climbed on top of him one morning, head resting on his chest, my arms looped under his with my fingers resting on his shoulders, knees drawn up to his ribcage, trying to get as close as possible to him. I felt like a little bug taking up residence on his soft body.
An hour passed. My skin was beginning to burn. I decided to leave and go to my parent's. I have yet again, this intense urge to play the piano and to paint. I want to learn a new song. I have no patience when it comes to learning music but I see and accept now that I can't do something perfectly the first time and that doesn't mean I'm not good at it, it just means I need to practice. Apparently I somehow managed to believe I was above practicing. Over and over, one measure at a time I went over and over the notes until I slowly began to get it right. It's going to take an eternity to learn this song but I'm going to do it! Getting lost in playing has taken my mind to a different place.
I do manage to squeeze in some paint time. Again, I stopped focusing on being perfect and just put paint to canvas. I'm still judgmental over my work but I think that will fade eventually.
I'm so sleepy. I need to write but I can't think anymore. I drive back to Atlanta, singing the whole way home. This time two weeks ago I was at Rob's parent's. I still don't fully comprehend all that's happened.
Out...
I got to work today wanting to turn and walk out the door. I kept going though. One foot in front of the other until I reached our break room where I put my things down. My friend Amy had come by with two Gerbera daisies for me. They're my favorite flower.
"Thank you!" I squeal. They're bright orange.
"You're welcome! They came from my yard. I just wanted to say hello and see how you're doing."
"Thank you so much. I've gotten your messages, and I'm sorry I haven't called. It's just…" I trailed off.
"I know. I know. It's ok."
I hug her and let the tears come.
"Oh honey, don't cry." she hugs me hard.
I need to cry though. I don't care that I'm at work, my day hasn't started yet and I'll have mascara streaming down my cheeks. Don't care.
I remember a question I have for her. Amy is an EMT.
"I wanted to ask you something." I said as I lifted my head.
"Ok."
"How do you know if someone died instantly?"
"We don't unless we're there when it happened to take a pulse."
I nod, letting this sink in. "Just wondering."
We walk out of the room and into the reality that is my job today. I quietly set up my station. My first appointment is early. I enjoy doing her hair. It's pretty and easy. Everything runs smoothly. I get some coffee and sit in one of our office rooms on my lunch break to write in my journal. I'm still writing about the day he died. It's been a long process to write about it. I feel my life is passing me by and I haven't recorded any of it, which makes me anxious. I hate when I forget things. An hour goes by and I've barely managed to write a paragraph. I get so lost in my own head that times quickly passes by.
My work day ends yet again. I go home and wait for Kat to get off work. We decide to get sushi at Rob's favorite place. I haven't really talked to Kat since all of this happened and I miss her.
"How was your day?" she asks while playing with an avocado roll.
"Ok. Were you guys busy?"
"Towards the end, yeah."
I somehow start telling silly stories about random nights out with Rob, then switching gears to the day we moved his things out of his place. I'm still talking about him as if he's still here.
"We really wanted to hang out with you guys but Gordon and I both hate the weekends in the Highlands." she said.
"I know, I hated it too but when I was with Rob, it's like no one else was there. We had decided a few weeks ago to stay in more and cook."
Kat shares stories about what she went through when she lost her mother and a friend in high school. Everyone grieves so differently. It's also different for each person that you lose. She bought me this awesome journal that asks questions about memories and thoughts concerning the loss of someone. Eventually, I'll get started with it.
When we're stuffed full of raw fish and veggies we decide to head down the street to a quiet little bar not far from our house.
"I have to go to the bathroom first." she tells me.
"Me too."
While I'm waiting on her I have this intense urge to text Rob and tell him I love him. It's as if my mind thinks he's on vacation or something. I pull my phone out and type the words "I love you.", find his name in my list on contacts and press "send." In a few seconds the words "message sent" is displayed across my screen. I feel a little crazy but comforted as well. Who ever has his phone, whether it be his mom or his sisters may turn it on and see that one day.
We leave and walk down to the Cavern after dropping Kat's car off at the house. We each order Captain and Coke and sit outside on the patio. I'm still telling Rob stories, and trying to catch her up on the previous week. We run into our friend Pete's girlfriend, Laura and her roommate. Pete joins us shortly after. I listen to everyone talk about this or that and feel my eyes begin to wander a little. "Where's Rob?" I think to myself. I keep forgetting he's not with me. I can't find him in the crowds, or on the street or at my house or his. He's only in my head from now on. I suddenly feel this wave of emotion swelling up in my stomach. I'm surrounded by people but I feel completely alone. Everyone here has their other half. It's always been this way in my circle of friends. I'm always the single one. For the longest time I've been ok with that, until Rob. I never wanted to be without him. He said the same of me. I don't have a choice anymore. I just have to sit still and deal with it.
"How are you?" Pete asks after hugging me.
I shrug. "You know…"
He hugs me again. My face pressed to his chest reminds me of how I'd hug Rob. I squeeze him harder and let the tears come, knowing that when I open my eyes, yet again it won't be Rob I'm hanging on to.
"I'm so sorry Melissa." Pete says into my hair. "I can't believe you're out. I'm so proud of you."
I pull away, take off my glasses and look up at him.
"Pete. We were supposed to get brunch with you guys."
"I know." he said while his thumbs moved across my cheeks, drying my tears.
"We can still go. I mean, I want to hang out with ya'll. It's just going to be me though…" I trailed off.
He hugs me again then looks me in eye.
"I love you so much Melissa. I just want you to know that we're all here for you. Whatever you need, you call us anytime."
I sink into him again, not wanting to let go, not wanting to believe any of this is happening. I want to go home and find Rob there. I want to crawl into bed with him and wrap my arms around him, kiss his shoulder and tell him how much I love him.
We decide to go to MJQ later that evening. I can't believe I'm still awake at this point and not only that, but I wanna dance till my legs fall off. It's pretty late when we go in. Pete left his phone in the cab so we deal with that then Kat and I wander from one dance floor to another. I'm sober and I don't care what I look like. It's the first time in my life that I just dance for sheer enjoyment, unconcerned with anyone else in the room.
When it's time to go we all cab it back to our house, say goodbye to Pete and Laura and head inside. Kat and I say goodnight and I walk to my room. The bed is only unmade on the side that I've slept on. I pull on one of Rob's shirts and slide under the covers, pretending he's there with me.
"Thank you!" I squeal. They're bright orange.
"You're welcome! They came from my yard. I just wanted to say hello and see how you're doing."
"Thank you so much. I've gotten your messages, and I'm sorry I haven't called. It's just…" I trailed off.
"I know. I know. It's ok."
I hug her and let the tears come.
"Oh honey, don't cry." she hugs me hard.
I need to cry though. I don't care that I'm at work, my day hasn't started yet and I'll have mascara streaming down my cheeks. Don't care.
I remember a question I have for her. Amy is an EMT.
"I wanted to ask you something." I said as I lifted my head.
"Ok."
"How do you know if someone died instantly?"
"We don't unless we're there when it happened to take a pulse."
I nod, letting this sink in. "Just wondering."
We walk out of the room and into the reality that is my job today. I quietly set up my station. My first appointment is early. I enjoy doing her hair. It's pretty and easy. Everything runs smoothly. I get some coffee and sit in one of our office rooms on my lunch break to write in my journal. I'm still writing about the day he died. It's been a long process to write about it. I feel my life is passing me by and I haven't recorded any of it, which makes me anxious. I hate when I forget things. An hour goes by and I've barely managed to write a paragraph. I get so lost in my own head that times quickly passes by.
My work day ends yet again. I go home and wait for Kat to get off work. We decide to get sushi at Rob's favorite place. I haven't really talked to Kat since all of this happened and I miss her.
"How was your day?" she asks while playing with an avocado roll.
"Ok. Were you guys busy?"
"Towards the end, yeah."
I somehow start telling silly stories about random nights out with Rob, then switching gears to the day we moved his things out of his place. I'm still talking about him as if he's still here.
"We really wanted to hang out with you guys but Gordon and I both hate the weekends in the Highlands." she said.
"I know, I hated it too but when I was with Rob, it's like no one else was there. We had decided a few weeks ago to stay in more and cook."
Kat shares stories about what she went through when she lost her mother and a friend in high school. Everyone grieves so differently. It's also different for each person that you lose. She bought me this awesome journal that asks questions about memories and thoughts concerning the loss of someone. Eventually, I'll get started with it.
When we're stuffed full of raw fish and veggies we decide to head down the street to a quiet little bar not far from our house.
"I have to go to the bathroom first." she tells me.
"Me too."
While I'm waiting on her I have this intense urge to text Rob and tell him I love him. It's as if my mind thinks he's on vacation or something. I pull my phone out and type the words "I love you.", find his name in my list on contacts and press "send." In a few seconds the words "message sent" is displayed across my screen. I feel a little crazy but comforted as well. Who ever has his phone, whether it be his mom or his sisters may turn it on and see that one day.
We leave and walk down to the Cavern after dropping Kat's car off at the house. We each order Captain and Coke and sit outside on the patio. I'm still telling Rob stories, and trying to catch her up on the previous week. We run into our friend Pete's girlfriend, Laura and her roommate. Pete joins us shortly after. I listen to everyone talk about this or that and feel my eyes begin to wander a little. "Where's Rob?" I think to myself. I keep forgetting he's not with me. I can't find him in the crowds, or on the street or at my house or his. He's only in my head from now on. I suddenly feel this wave of emotion swelling up in my stomach. I'm surrounded by people but I feel completely alone. Everyone here has their other half. It's always been this way in my circle of friends. I'm always the single one. For the longest time I've been ok with that, until Rob. I never wanted to be without him. He said the same of me. I don't have a choice anymore. I just have to sit still and deal with it.
"How are you?" Pete asks after hugging me.
I shrug. "You know…"
He hugs me again. My face pressed to his chest reminds me of how I'd hug Rob. I squeeze him harder and let the tears come, knowing that when I open my eyes, yet again it won't be Rob I'm hanging on to.
"I'm so sorry Melissa." Pete says into my hair. "I can't believe you're out. I'm so proud of you."
I pull away, take off my glasses and look up at him.
"Pete. We were supposed to get brunch with you guys."
"I know." he said while his thumbs moved across my cheeks, drying my tears.
"We can still go. I mean, I want to hang out with ya'll. It's just going to be me though…" I trailed off.
He hugs me again then looks me in eye.
"I love you so much Melissa. I just want you to know that we're all here for you. Whatever you need, you call us anytime."
I sink into him again, not wanting to let go, not wanting to believe any of this is happening. I want to go home and find Rob there. I want to crawl into bed with him and wrap my arms around him, kiss his shoulder and tell him how much I love him.
We decide to go to MJQ later that evening. I can't believe I'm still awake at this point and not only that, but I wanna dance till my legs fall off. It's pretty late when we go in. Pete left his phone in the cab so we deal with that then Kat and I wander from one dance floor to another. I'm sober and I don't care what I look like. It's the first time in my life that I just dance for sheer enjoyment, unconcerned with anyone else in the room.
When it's time to go we all cab it back to our house, say goodbye to Pete and Laura and head inside. Kat and I say goodnight and I walk to my room. The bed is only unmade on the side that I've slept on. I pull on one of Rob's shirts and slide under the covers, pretending he's there with me.
Run...
It's Friday again. Only this time, I'm at work and not wrapped up in the warm comfort of my aunt's home in Florida. I feel open and raw. Random bouts of anger flooded though my veins this morning. Tiny little things will set me off. I know it's simply because Rob's gone and I know that he's not coming back. I'll never get to do it again. I am not angry with God. I know He's got a plan out there somewhere, I just can't see it right now. I'm trying to sit tight and get through this one step at a time.
I manage to work. One client at a time. I don't talk about it to anyone until my 3:30, Gregg. I've been doing his hair for years now. He's heard all about Rob during previous haircuts.
"What's going on with ya?" he asks as he sits in my chair.
"Um… a lot. I have something to tell you."
"You're getting married!"
Ouch.
"No, uh…"
"You're moving?" he interrupts
Not yet.
"No… um…. It's not good…" I can't say it. The words will not come out of my mouth.
Gregg says nothing and waits for me to speak.
"I…" I sigh. "Um…my boyfriend was killed in a car accident last week."
"Oh my God I'm so sorry." he quietly exclaims, his eyes open wider. "I can't believe that. Are you ok?"
"As well as can be expected." I nod. My eyes begin to tear. I will not lose it. I remind myself. Must. Keep. It. Together. I am a master at hiding my feelings, which isn't something to necessarily be super proud of… but I need this skill to get me through my work day.
"Melissa, really I am so so sorry."
"Thank you." I nod. I don't know what to say. "Let's get you shampooed."
He stands and hugs me. I bite the inside of my face to keep from completely breaking down.
I'm proud of the haircut I managed to deliver. I enjoy men's haircuts but lately, it's been hard. It all reminds me of Rob. He was thrilled when I asked if I could cut his hair. I enjoyed the whole process with him.
It doesn't dawn on me that when I finish with work, I won't be rushing home to get all gussied up for him. My last client walks out the door, I pack up and think, now what? I've been alone before and have entertained myself just fine. It's different this time. I didn't choose this. It's like I'm in a bubble. I almost feel my brain (or maybe it's God) is protecting me from feeling everything all at once. I'm still not able to fully recover the memories because something is telling me I can't handle it just yet. Very slowly, I get a glimpse of the life we briefly shared together. Lord, I miss him.
I arrive at my house after sitting in traffic on N. Highland for twice the amount of time I'm used to. Run, I think to myself. I need to run. My iPOD has currently taken up temporary residence in my Celica and I don't have a back up. I normally won't run without it but I need to be outside and out of my house.
I pull on my shorts, t-shirt, and slip my feet into my shoes. I leave my phone on the kitchen table and walk out the door. I bound out of the driveway and on to the street, further and further away from the place that holds most our memories. I won't hear the split second sound of his car horn as he locks the door, I won't see his face peering through the glass window on my front door, his dog Jake won't be tearing through the house, I won't kiss him hello, or look into his beautiful eyes, so happy to see him. I won't fix dinner with him, listen about his day or tell him about mine. I won't have sex with him, or curl up with him only to leave in the middle of the night because of his snoring. It's not real. I have a feeling I'll be saying this for a very long time. There is no going back and that's what hurts the most.
It's been years since I've been running without music attached to my head. All I can hear now besides the cars, is my breath, inhaling and exhaling and my feet striking the pavement. Sweat is trickling down my spine, a breeze is lifting up my hair. I imagine him running with me. I always wanting to run with him but he always backed out of it. I ran all the way to I75 and back. It was almost effortless.
I unlocked the front door and stepped inside when I finally returned. The sun is beginning to set. I'm still alone and still not quite able to accept it. My phone is lighting up, telling me I've missed a call. It's my aunt Teal. She wants to get dinner. Oh I need that more than anything right now…company.
We meet up for pizza and talk and talk and talk. It's so nice to be with her. Sometimes… I think God talks to us through other people. I've really started to examine that lately. She's telling me all these sweet things that Rob has said to me before. This whole experience has definitely raised a lot of questions. What drives me crazy is that I can't get a straight answer from any human being. I have to form my own opinion through my own experiences and my own faith.
It's after eleven when we finally get back to my house. My cousin, Shevis calls her to tell her he just proposed to Rob's sister Kate. EEK! So excited! Of course there is this part of me that wants to break down completely, thinking I'll never have that with Rob, but I can't. I really am so happy for them. Kate is a fabulous addition to our family.
"You know Rob would've done the same thing if he were here." my aunt smiles at me.
"Yup." I smile back. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that we'd get married.
She makes sure I get in ok. I lock the door behind me and wander to my room. Jake's blanket isn't on my floor tonight and neither are his food and water bowls. I begin to peel off my clothes. Rob's not in the bathroom. I pull on a shirt of his. He's not in bed. I pull on his pajama pants. There are no kisses that land on my face in the dark. I crawl into bed trying to figure out how I'm going to learn to sit with this and be ok with it. This is my new normal.
I manage to work. One client at a time. I don't talk about it to anyone until my 3:30, Gregg. I've been doing his hair for years now. He's heard all about Rob during previous haircuts.
"What's going on with ya?" he asks as he sits in my chair.
"Um… a lot. I have something to tell you."
"You're getting married!"
Ouch.
"No, uh…"
"You're moving?" he interrupts
Not yet.
"No… um…. It's not good…" I can't say it. The words will not come out of my mouth.
Gregg says nothing and waits for me to speak.
"I…" I sigh. "Um…my boyfriend was killed in a car accident last week."
"Oh my God I'm so sorry." he quietly exclaims, his eyes open wider. "I can't believe that. Are you ok?"
"As well as can be expected." I nod. My eyes begin to tear. I will not lose it. I remind myself. Must. Keep. It. Together. I am a master at hiding my feelings, which isn't something to necessarily be super proud of… but I need this skill to get me through my work day.
"Melissa, really I am so so sorry."
"Thank you." I nod. I don't know what to say. "Let's get you shampooed."
He stands and hugs me. I bite the inside of my face to keep from completely breaking down.
I'm proud of the haircut I managed to deliver. I enjoy men's haircuts but lately, it's been hard. It all reminds me of Rob. He was thrilled when I asked if I could cut his hair. I enjoyed the whole process with him.
It doesn't dawn on me that when I finish with work, I won't be rushing home to get all gussied up for him. My last client walks out the door, I pack up and think, now what? I've been alone before and have entertained myself just fine. It's different this time. I didn't choose this. It's like I'm in a bubble. I almost feel my brain (or maybe it's God) is protecting me from feeling everything all at once. I'm still not able to fully recover the memories because something is telling me I can't handle it just yet. Very slowly, I get a glimpse of the life we briefly shared together. Lord, I miss him.
I arrive at my house after sitting in traffic on N. Highland for twice the amount of time I'm used to. Run, I think to myself. I need to run. My iPOD has currently taken up temporary residence in my Celica and I don't have a back up. I normally won't run without it but I need to be outside and out of my house.
I pull on my shorts, t-shirt, and slip my feet into my shoes. I leave my phone on the kitchen table and walk out the door. I bound out of the driveway and on to the street, further and further away from the place that holds most our memories. I won't hear the split second sound of his car horn as he locks the door, I won't see his face peering through the glass window on my front door, his dog Jake won't be tearing through the house, I won't kiss him hello, or look into his beautiful eyes, so happy to see him. I won't fix dinner with him, listen about his day or tell him about mine. I won't have sex with him, or curl up with him only to leave in the middle of the night because of his snoring. It's not real. I have a feeling I'll be saying this for a very long time. There is no going back and that's what hurts the most.
It's been years since I've been running without music attached to my head. All I can hear now besides the cars, is my breath, inhaling and exhaling and my feet striking the pavement. Sweat is trickling down my spine, a breeze is lifting up my hair. I imagine him running with me. I always wanting to run with him but he always backed out of it. I ran all the way to I75 and back. It was almost effortless.
I unlocked the front door and stepped inside when I finally returned. The sun is beginning to set. I'm still alone and still not quite able to accept it. My phone is lighting up, telling me I've missed a call. It's my aunt Teal. She wants to get dinner. Oh I need that more than anything right now…company.
We meet up for pizza and talk and talk and talk. It's so nice to be with her. Sometimes… I think God talks to us through other people. I've really started to examine that lately. She's telling me all these sweet things that Rob has said to me before. This whole experience has definitely raised a lot of questions. What drives me crazy is that I can't get a straight answer from any human being. I have to form my own opinion through my own experiences and my own faith.
It's after eleven when we finally get back to my house. My cousin, Shevis calls her to tell her he just proposed to Rob's sister Kate. EEK! So excited! Of course there is this part of me that wants to break down completely, thinking I'll never have that with Rob, but I can't. I really am so happy for them. Kate is a fabulous addition to our family.
"You know Rob would've done the same thing if he were here." my aunt smiles at me.
"Yup." I smile back. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that we'd get married.
She makes sure I get in ok. I lock the door behind me and wander to my room. Jake's blanket isn't on my floor tonight and neither are his food and water bowls. I begin to peel off my clothes. Rob's not in the bathroom. I pull on a shirt of his. He's not in bed. I pull on his pajama pants. There are no kisses that land on my face in the dark. I crawl into bed trying to figure out how I'm going to learn to sit with this and be ok with it. This is my new normal.
Atlanta...
I have to go back to work today. I've missed my co-workers so much, but I'm not ready for my clients. I'm not ready to rehash this whole thing hundreds of times. I'm not ready to focus on work but I crave the therapeutic action of sectioning hair and feeling my blades open and close over each of those sections.
I go to my apartment first to unload everything I had brought to mom and dad's. Everything is silent. I walk to the kitchen and stare at the wine glasses Rob and I used last week, sitting on the counter. Dishes are still in the sink. Everything has been left untouched. I put my bags down on the couch. Walking into my bathroom, I look for something Rob may have left. Nothing. Only the towel he used is still hanging on the towel rack. In my room the coolant I bought for my car is still sitting by the door. I had been in the shower when he added it to my car weeks ago on Easter Sunday. The bed is still unmade. I walk over to it and pick up the pillow he slept on. I bring it to my face and inhale it, hoping to smell him. Nothing. As I place it back on the bed I notice short brown hairs scattered over it's surface. I exhale and walk down the hall, out the door and into the car.
Work is good. I manage to calmly explain everything that happened to the clients that asked. I squeeze the life out of my co-workers, trying to absorb all their love. I'm forever searching for the love he gave me. I'm trying so hard to find it here on Earth, knowing good and well, it's not here. At least not in the tangible form I was so used to.
When I finish my last client I pack up my station and walk outside. The sun is still out but it'll be going down soon. The temperature is perfect. I call Rob's parent's and Lesley answers the phone.
"Hi darlin'. How are you?"
"I'm ok, how are you?" she replies. I can barely hear her.
"Good, I was just calling to say that I'm on my way to come see you guys."
"Ok."
"See you in a little while."
"Ok. Bye."
"Bye."
I climb into my mom's car. My little Celica is still in the shop with $6,000 worth of damages to it. I miss it. It's also the last thing I want to think about right now.
I get onto I20 and drive while singing some ridiculous rap song. (stop laughing.J ) It helps me to relax, this whole singing thing. I've done it my whole life. I don't focus so much on getting everything perfect, just open my mouth and let it all come out. I'm surprised at how calm and relaxed all the lyrics are as they escape me. For the first time in years, I sat at my parent's piano yesterday and decided to play. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed creating music. Again, I didn't focus on whether or not I got the notes right, I just played, and with keeping that mindset, my mind opened and I was able to play things I completely forgot about.
I get off the exit and turn right. I keep thinking he's here with me. It feels so weird to visit his family without him. It's even weirder to see his car parked in their driveway and knowing he's not inside.
Rob's dad is outside, smoking with a neighbor.
"Hey there!" I chirp as I get out of the car.
"Hey Melissa, how are ya?"
"I'm ok. How are you?" I reply, hugging him.
"I'm good. Melissa, this is Jimmy." he introduces me to his neighbor.
"Hey there."
"Good to meet you." he nods at me.
"Ya know that's bad for you?" I tease Rick.
"So they say."
"I'll see you inside." I smile and walk up the driveway, pausing only briefly to etch the memory of Rob's Explorer in mind. I walk into the house.
"Hey! Come on in!" Rob's mom, Judy greets me. "How was your first day back?"
"It was ok." I smile.
Lesley walks into the kitchen with us. I hug her. The front door opens and closes and Rob's dad comes up the stairs.
"You guys wash up if you need to, and fix your plates." Judy tells us.
When we're all seated at the table, we take each other's hands while Rick says the blessing. Rob was always the one to do it. When I open my eyes, it's Lesley next to me, not Rob. She begins to tell us a story about school. I watch her hands as she gestures. Her nails have been bitten down to the white meat like Rob's. I notice that in fact she has a girl version of Rob's hands. Long fingers, wide palms. I look up at his mom and she smiles and winks at me exactly like Rob did. I smile back thinking that little pieces of him are with me always, wherever I am.
I go to my apartment first to unload everything I had brought to mom and dad's. Everything is silent. I walk to the kitchen and stare at the wine glasses Rob and I used last week, sitting on the counter. Dishes are still in the sink. Everything has been left untouched. I put my bags down on the couch. Walking into my bathroom, I look for something Rob may have left. Nothing. Only the towel he used is still hanging on the towel rack. In my room the coolant I bought for my car is still sitting by the door. I had been in the shower when he added it to my car weeks ago on Easter Sunday. The bed is still unmade. I walk over to it and pick up the pillow he slept on. I bring it to my face and inhale it, hoping to smell him. Nothing. As I place it back on the bed I notice short brown hairs scattered over it's surface. I exhale and walk down the hall, out the door and into the car.
Work is good. I manage to calmly explain everything that happened to the clients that asked. I squeeze the life out of my co-workers, trying to absorb all their love. I'm forever searching for the love he gave me. I'm trying so hard to find it here on Earth, knowing good and well, it's not here. At least not in the tangible form I was so used to.
When I finish my last client I pack up my station and walk outside. The sun is still out but it'll be going down soon. The temperature is perfect. I call Rob's parent's and Lesley answers the phone.
"Hi darlin'. How are you?"
"I'm ok, how are you?" she replies. I can barely hear her.
"Good, I was just calling to say that I'm on my way to come see you guys."
"Ok."
"See you in a little while."
"Ok. Bye."
"Bye."
I climb into my mom's car. My little Celica is still in the shop with $6,000 worth of damages to it. I miss it. It's also the last thing I want to think about right now.
I get onto I20 and drive while singing some ridiculous rap song. (stop laughing.J ) It helps me to relax, this whole singing thing. I've done it my whole life. I don't focus so much on getting everything perfect, just open my mouth and let it all come out. I'm surprised at how calm and relaxed all the lyrics are as they escape me. For the first time in years, I sat at my parent's piano yesterday and decided to play. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed creating music. Again, I didn't focus on whether or not I got the notes right, I just played, and with keeping that mindset, my mind opened and I was able to play things I completely forgot about.
I get off the exit and turn right. I keep thinking he's here with me. It feels so weird to visit his family without him. It's even weirder to see his car parked in their driveway and knowing he's not inside.
Rob's dad is outside, smoking with a neighbor.
"Hey there!" I chirp as I get out of the car.
"Hey Melissa, how are ya?"
"I'm ok. How are you?" I reply, hugging him.
"I'm good. Melissa, this is Jimmy." he introduces me to his neighbor.
"Hey there."
"Good to meet you." he nods at me.
"Ya know that's bad for you?" I tease Rick.
"So they say."
"I'll see you inside." I smile and walk up the driveway, pausing only briefly to etch the memory of Rob's Explorer in mind. I walk into the house.
"Hey! Come on in!" Rob's mom, Judy greets me. "How was your first day back?"
"It was ok." I smile.
Lesley walks into the kitchen with us. I hug her. The front door opens and closes and Rob's dad comes up the stairs.
"You guys wash up if you need to, and fix your plates." Judy tells us.
When we're all seated at the table, we take each other's hands while Rick says the blessing. Rob was always the one to do it. When I open my eyes, it's Lesley next to me, not Rob. She begins to tell us a story about school. I watch her hands as she gestures. Her nails have been bitten down to the white meat like Rob's. I notice that in fact she has a girl version of Rob's hands. Long fingers, wide palms. I look up at his mom and she smiles and winks at me exactly like Rob did. I smile back thinking that little pieces of him are with me always, wherever I am.
Seven Days...
I open my eyes and before I look at the clock I know what time it is. I've been getting up at exactly 7:05am every day now for three days...regardless of what time I actually went to sleep. I lay in bed and stare at the window. Seven days ago I was awake a tabout this time, getting up and wandering into my room to find Rob still asleep. Today I'm wrapped up in his pajama pants, and button up shirt, hidden under the sheets. I never knew I'd be desperate to hear him snore again.
I walk downstairs notebook in hand, just incase I remember a bit of something about Rob to write and save. My aunt and uncle are immersed in their morning routines.
"Good morning." my Aunt Cheryl smiles when I walk intothe kitchen
"Hi."
"Miss Meliss! You sleep ok?" My uncles pipes up.
"Yup." I sit at the table and watch my aunt fix breakfast for all her parrots. No joke, she's got 9 of them, and a few other various types of bird. My uncle gets up and walks down the hall. I'm trying to identify what I'm feeling at the moment. I can't put a word to it.
"Whatcha wanna do today?" My aunt asks while chopping up grapes.
I shake my head. "I dunno." It's so pretty outside I feel we should be out.
"I have to go to the mall but that's it." she replies.
I nod. "I'm going to meet Patrick for dinner at 7. We could go to TownCenter." (It's a huge outdoor mall)
"Let's do that then!"
While she's feeding the birds, I carefully make my own breakfast. Cereal and bananas. I usually inhale food but I haven't had much interest in that. Again, each bite is slow and deliberate. Like clockwork, I check email, cry, shower, makeup my face, put clothes on and off we go. I'm listless as we go from one store to another,looking at this or that. I'm content to be here but my mind is elsewhere. It jumps from trying to physically grasp Rob,to trying to make sense of everything andthe fact that he's not here, to memories, to Atlanta,to feeling completely alone. It's like my brain is trying to figure out how to fix the situation andsomething else is telling it that it can't and it needs to be still. That constant battle leaves me gasping for air. I don't know where to turn, or where to go. I want to focus on what's in front of me but I can't be still. I want to run hard and fast, I want someone to hold my hand, I want to scream, where isthe FUCKING AIR?! We walk to Victoria's Secret. I have this *thing* for frilly underwear. I've been this way since I was little. The last time I bought anything from here itwas with Rob in mind. "Look how pretty that bra is." My aunt points to ahuge picture of a woman wearing a soft pink bra. I smile. "You wanna go look at it?" she asks."Ok."We walk in and are bombarded by two sales girls. Iknow they're just doing they're job but get the fuckout of my space. I didn't know how I'd feel coming inhere. It's not fun. I don't want new anything. I don't want to think about all the pretty things that he'll never see. The sales girls go away and it's just me and my aunt. I could vomit from the intensity of the overwhelming feelings that are caving in around me. I feel as ifsomething is protecting me from thinking about all thesweet times we had alone. I want to re-live it toremember it but at the same time, I'm not going to getit back and that's too scary to actually face rightnow. I hate looking at all this. I could wait outside... My phone rings. It's Rob's dad.
"Hey! I was just calling to check up on you."
"I'm ok. It's been up and down. I'm in Florida with mymom's sister."
"Good. She taking good care of you?" he asks.
"She is." I smile.
"I just want to tell you again what a beautiful job you did speaking at Rob's funeral. You told an amazing love story."
My eyes fill with tears. "Thank you."
"I just wanted to see how you are. Don't be a stranger."
"Thank you. I won't. I'm going to come see you guys on Wednesday." I manage to get out.
"Ok, we'll see you then."
"Kay. Bye."
"Bye."We leave the store as I hang up the phone. Outside the breeze is ruffling up my hair. The sun is bright, andthe air is clear. I stare at the trees and remind myself that I'm ok. Everything is ok. Rob told me all the time. "I'm right here. I've got you. Don't worry about anything."
It's funny now that I have more faith that he's here with me right now than I did when he was alive. I can't explain it. I knew he loved me and was always there for me when he was here, it's just that maybe I felt I didn't deserve all that at the time. My heart breaks when I look back and see how difficult it was for me at first to let go and let him love me. I was just getting the hang of it when everything was cut short. My phone rings again. It's Patrick. We agree to meet at the bookstore here at TownCenter at 7. My aunt has to go. It's 6pm. We walk to her car, say goodbye and I walk back to the bookstore. I don't feel so grounded anymore now that I'm alone. I'm scared of the thoughts that might creep into my mind. I sit on a bench to try and be still. I'm desperate for alone time but I'm desperate to reach out to people. What is this?! I'm so frustrated. I can't focus. As soon as I do one thing, I want another. I call my mom. We talk until Patrick gets here. He and I go to a Mexican place. It was so delicious! Patrick is as quiet as I am... not. I talked his ear off for a long long time. He took me back to my aunt's where she and I stayed up talking some more. I have to go home tomorrow. Don't want to. It's as if this won't be real if I just stay right here...
I walk downstairs notebook in hand, just incase I remember a bit of something about Rob to write and save. My aunt and uncle are immersed in their morning routines.
"Good morning." my Aunt Cheryl smiles when I walk intothe kitchen
"Hi."
"Miss Meliss! You sleep ok?" My uncles pipes up.
"Yup." I sit at the table and watch my aunt fix breakfast for all her parrots. No joke, she's got 9 of them, and a few other various types of bird. My uncle gets up and walks down the hall. I'm trying to identify what I'm feeling at the moment. I can't put a word to it.
"Whatcha wanna do today?" My aunt asks while chopping up grapes.
I shake my head. "I dunno." It's so pretty outside I feel we should be out.
"I have to go to the mall but that's it." she replies.
I nod. "I'm going to meet Patrick for dinner at 7. We could go to TownCenter." (It's a huge outdoor mall)
"Let's do that then!"
While she's feeding the birds, I carefully make my own breakfast. Cereal and bananas. I usually inhale food but I haven't had much interest in that. Again, each bite is slow and deliberate. Like clockwork, I check email, cry, shower, makeup my face, put clothes on and off we go. I'm listless as we go from one store to another,looking at this or that. I'm content to be here but my mind is elsewhere. It jumps from trying to physically grasp Rob,to trying to make sense of everything andthe fact that he's not here, to memories, to Atlanta,to feeling completely alone. It's like my brain is trying to figure out how to fix the situation andsomething else is telling it that it can't and it needs to be still. That constant battle leaves me gasping for air. I don't know where to turn, or where to go. I want to focus on what's in front of me but I can't be still. I want to run hard and fast, I want someone to hold my hand, I want to scream, where isthe FUCKING AIR?! We walk to Victoria's Secret. I have this *thing* for frilly underwear. I've been this way since I was little. The last time I bought anything from here itwas with Rob in mind. "Look how pretty that bra is." My aunt points to ahuge picture of a woman wearing a soft pink bra. I smile. "You wanna go look at it?" she asks."Ok."We walk in and are bombarded by two sales girls. Iknow they're just doing they're job but get the fuckout of my space. I didn't know how I'd feel coming inhere. It's not fun. I don't want new anything. I don't want to think about all the pretty things that he'll never see. The sales girls go away and it's just me and my aunt. I could vomit from the intensity of the overwhelming feelings that are caving in around me. I feel as ifsomething is protecting me from thinking about all thesweet times we had alone. I want to re-live it toremember it but at the same time, I'm not going to getit back and that's too scary to actually face rightnow. I hate looking at all this. I could wait outside... My phone rings. It's Rob's dad.
"Hey! I was just calling to check up on you."
"I'm ok. It's been up and down. I'm in Florida with mymom's sister."
"Good. She taking good care of you?" he asks.
"She is." I smile.
"I just want to tell you again what a beautiful job you did speaking at Rob's funeral. You told an amazing love story."
My eyes fill with tears. "Thank you."
"I just wanted to see how you are. Don't be a stranger."
"Thank you. I won't. I'm going to come see you guys on Wednesday." I manage to get out.
"Ok, we'll see you then."
"Kay. Bye."
"Bye."We leave the store as I hang up the phone. Outside the breeze is ruffling up my hair. The sun is bright, andthe air is clear. I stare at the trees and remind myself that I'm ok. Everything is ok. Rob told me all the time. "I'm right here. I've got you. Don't worry about anything."
It's funny now that I have more faith that he's here with me right now than I did when he was alive. I can't explain it. I knew he loved me and was always there for me when he was here, it's just that maybe I felt I didn't deserve all that at the time. My heart breaks when I look back and see how difficult it was for me at first to let go and let him love me. I was just getting the hang of it when everything was cut short. My phone rings again. It's Patrick. We agree to meet at the bookstore here at TownCenter at 7. My aunt has to go. It's 6pm. We walk to her car, say goodbye and I walk back to the bookstore. I don't feel so grounded anymore now that I'm alone. I'm scared of the thoughts that might creep into my mind. I sit on a bench to try and be still. I'm desperate for alone time but I'm desperate to reach out to people. What is this?! I'm so frustrated. I can't focus. As soon as I do one thing, I want another. I call my mom. We talk until Patrick gets here. He and I go to a Mexican place. It was so delicious! Patrick is as quiet as I am... not. I talked his ear off for a long long time. He took me back to my aunt's where she and I stayed up talking some more. I have to go home tomorrow. Don't want to. It's as if this won't be real if I just stay right here...
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