Recharge...

I…am jacked on caffeine. Just needed to say that before I launch into this. I have a feeling I’ll be scattered, so again, I apologize ahead of time.
Writing has been really difficult. I can’t clear my head long enough to form sentences that actually mean something. I’m still not clear but thought I’d try to fill this blank space.
I’m leaving in a couple of days for Stockholm! It’s been on my list of things to do for two years now. I’ve finally made the effort to get up and go. I pulled out my passport last night and glanced at the picture of my 22 year old self, smiling at the camera as if a cookie was attached to it. I flipped through the random stamps that I’ve acquired from entering a country and smile for the memories of racing through the airport, heart exploding, praying to God I make this flight or that flight, desperate for something new.
My heart is still racing. There is always a little glitch in the plan. Right now for me, it’s work. I’ll be cutting it close getting to the airport and won’t calm down until I’m happily seated on the plane breathing recycled air for 10 hours.
“What are you going to do while you’re out there?” My co-worker asked me in between clients yesterday.
“I don’t know yet. Aimless wandering, some sightseeing, a lot of writing. Not really sure…”
“Just to breathe new air is going to be nice!”
“I know! I was thinking the same thing!” I laughed. “I’m nervous though.”
“How come?”
“Um, I’m afraid I’m going to cry a lot once I get there. I’ll be completely alone, and I’m scared of things sneaking up on me.”
“Why are you afraid of crying?” he asked.
I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
“If you cry, then cry. It’s ok. It’s good for you.” he smiled.
“I know.” I smiled back. “I’m afraid of food too. I’m afraid of being so emotional that I’ll eat and eat until I explode.”
“Fear isn’t a bad thing. Use it to make a good decision and not eat.”
I nod.
I’ll have to make some changes on this trip. It won’t be like my other ones. I’ll have to be careful with what I consume. I won’t be drinking. I will try to learn to relax. I will make an effort to keep my head clear, to take all the time I need to write, to think, to walk, to actually inhale and exhale. I won’t be putting myself on any guilt trips for not doing this or that. It’s my trip and I’ll define it how I see fit.
When I come home I won’t be taking anything personal when my clients ask what I did and all I respond with is “I relaxed.” I didn’t see everything there was to see, I didn’t run around like a crazy person trying to fit everything in, I did what I wanted and if that’s stare at the ocean for a week, and do nothing then so be it.
This is a tall order but I’m going to try it and see how it goes. I also feel I have a lot riding on this trip. I want some clarity. I want to feel grounded, and come home feeling a little more sane than what I feel like right now.