In my place...

I'm off today. I got up crazy early feeling anxious. I can't pinpoint where it's coming from but it's eating me alive. I put a ton of pressure on myself to enjoy every last second of my days off that I can't actually relax long enough to do it. It's like I somehow feel I don't deserve to have fun, to have a life because while assisting I've spent too much time being focused on everyone else and what they might need from me at any given time. I don't know how to turn it off. I desperately want to sink into my creative endeavors, get lost in them and scrape away the stress of the week but it never works out that way. I end up being more wound up because I can't think to write, procrastinating is much more appealing, plus I tend to get caught up too much in what people might think to make my jewelry. What happened? What happened to enjoying these things? I used to. It used to dive head first into all of it and get such satisfaction at their completion. Lately it's been such a great stressor that I won't go near the computer or open my box of sparkly making supplies. I'm scared of people again...scared of expressing myself, or letting you see that expression. My inner critic is so loud that it paralyzes me, reducing to daydreaming only.
I spend my morning bouncing from coffee shop to coffee shop trying to get comfortable. Outside influences are grating on my nerves. From the NPR radio playing at one place to the loud mouthed lady yelling her opinions about something she's trying to do with her job to a man sitting just a few inches from her, I'm not sure I'm actually going to get anything down on paper. Cipollina is where I finally settle down. For whatever reason today I'm afraid that if I'm not out and about, I might miss something. Thoughts of food consume my mind. I have no idea what I'm running from or what it is I'm so scared of. I'm sick of picking at myself for not being "productive" enough. Prodective enough for what and for whom? Who's judging me? No one. No one because I can't seem to let anyone in long enough to do so. I can't even let myself in right now because I fear the harshness I unleash on my already fragile self esteem. An hour later when I've left Cipollina I go for a run. It feels good to get out and move. I was hoping for some clarity on what's buggin' me but nothing really happens. Still, I'm glad I went. On my way home I'm stopped at stop sign waiting for a car to pass. For whatever reason I look down and see the words "I love you" spelled out next to my feet. I stare at this image and find myself smiling. "I love you, I love you, I love you..." I repeat over and over to Rob.
At home I grab my purse and head to the gym. I'm trying to slow down, calm down and breathe through my workout. Nothing is helping. When I leave I cath the train to the grocery store, then walk home. Once I'm through the door I think about all the things I could be or should be doing My head is going to explode. I drop the idea of writing, necklace making, laundry, or paying bills. In my room I find a box of "bath bombs" one of my clients gave me for Christmas. I pull out a purple one with star confetti in it, pick up a book and head to the bathroom. I turn on the water, peel off my sweaty clothes and drop the "bomb' in the tub. The sparkly confetti is released. I giggle to myself thinking those stars are going to be attached to my ass when all of this is said and done. I carefully sink into the hot water once the tub is half full. When I'm settled I reach for my book but don't open it. I stare straight ahead at the faucet. Tiny drop of water are slowly peeking out from the spout before falling with a subtle splash into the tub.
"Honey?" I say to Rob in my mind. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm all over the place and feel I can't calm down. I know you're here with me. I just feel a bit lost at the moment. I feel like I'm wandering away from you, letting food, work and guilt run my life. I just want to calm down." Tears pool in my eyes and eventually fall. I ask over and over again for him to stay, to never leave. I reach for and open my book when I'm feeling out of words. I place the bookmark on the edge of the tub. It's centered there, not leaning one way or another. There is no air circulating in the bathroom only a comfortable, still, silence. Minutes into my reading the bookmark falls to the floor. A heavy calm fills my chest as I stare at the spot where it once was. I don't move. My brain immediately tries to rationalize how this just happened. It draws a blank. Carefully I sit up, pick the bookmark up off the floor and place it back where it was. I stare at it, waiting for it to move again. It doesn't. I go back to reading. I'm not sure how much time passed but I feel I should get up and get movin'. I need to wash my hair and rinse the confetti off of me. I stand up turning the shower on after undoing the drain. The hot spray splashes onto my back. I stand there for a moment, not moving before getting to my hair and getting out. I pull the shower curtain back and step out of the tub. My favorite swimsuit from swim team in high school is draped over one end of the shower rail and my roommate's wash cloth is hanging on the other end. I reach for my towel and dry off before pulling out my blowdryer and get busy on my hair. Minutes into this my swimsuit falls to the floor. By itself. I turn the dryer off, walk over to it, pick it up and go back to my hair, keeping one eye on the suit. Again this intense calm washes over me and I feel it's Rob making his presence known. As much as I'd like to share this immediately, I think "who would believe me?" How do I describe what just happened? There is no way really to fully explain what this calm inside me feels like. It doesn't stay either. I do try very hard not to question it but accept that it's happening and enjoy it for what it is before it moves along again until the next time...