Dear Stranger...

Hello there, person I’ve never met. Do you have a moment? I need to give something away. It’s something I don’t know how to give to someone that is already established here in my life, someone who already knows me. I need you dear stranger to hold this for me if you will, simply because you don’t know me, because I don’t fear your reaction to my emotional outbursts, because you don’t know me as the “sweet”, “happy” girl that everyone else sees. Don’t get me wrong, I am that person but I am many other things as well, and I somehow came to the understanding that those other things aren’t acceptable.
I don’t know what to do with all of it though. I need to get it out but I don’t know where to place it. I’m a ball of energy bouncing around with no direction right now. I’m scared of being “caught” of being “held” in place because that will make me stop for a moment and actually feel something. On the flip side though, I want to feel it. I want all the grief, all the sadness, all the hurt to fill me up so I can let it go and take a another step forward. Problem with that is I don’t let it go. It comes up like bile and sits in my throat instead of continuing along it’s course, exiting through my mouth. I hold it in place because I’m afraid of letting it out. I’m afraid of the rush I’ll feel, the spark of emotion that might send me into an oblivion I don’t want to know or see. I know what happens when I let it all stay trapped in my throat. I get angry because I’m choking on it, fighting with it, but eventually I learn to swallow and digest it that way until it wants to visit again and the cycle repeats.
There are times though when I let a little go. I’ll cough something up to someone and sometimes it feels good and sometimes I still get angry because well, I don’t want to admit to needing anything. I don’t want to admit that Rob’s gone and has been for a while now. I don’t like that my feelings could and certainly do bring up other emotions for the person I’m speaking to. I don’t know where to go with it though so if you don’t mind I’d like to simply hold all of this for me until I feel I can take it back and function in the world again…