Aftercare...

The next morning I’m up at six. I immediately, without giving it much thought, consume the last of some granola I made last week. I try to calm down, reminding myself that I have no need to rush or hurry through my day. I have no reason to eat compulsively either. Not that I ever did or do but it’s such a welcome relief that I forget about the chaos that ensues later on.
I feel numb and slightly panicky. I’m afraid of the influx of feelings that I most certainly will feel at some point. It’s all the stuff I’ve avoided, but really, I have no idea what that even looks like right now.
I head to Alliance like usual on Sunday mornings. I order a large Americano and like usual, I sit in the window, wanting to write but do nothing but stare at my blank screen wishing for something to happen. I can’t think. Everything is fragmented and nothing makes sense. I don’t feel the glorious relief I felt when Charlie and I broke up. I feel like I’m trying to force something, some sort of emotion. I’m sad and confused. Tears spring to my eyes but dry before spilling. I’m trying to be still and let whatever is going to come up and out happen. I’m reminding myself that my thoughts and feelings won’t destroy me and that even though I’ve hit a rough patch, ultimately, I’m ok.
Dr. M.’s words turn over in my head. “Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. Just wait for the dust to settle and things will be a little more clear.”
After finishing my Americano and jotting down some of my fragmented thoughts, I leave to go for a run. I keep checking in with myself trying to narrow down what it is I want to do. I desperately want to inhabit my body and care for myself, acknowledge myself instead of escaping. I won’t be seeing Jeff today. There is no rush to speed through anything. Allowing myself to simply be and not shoot from point A to B is a comforting relief. My decision to leave though, doesn’t feel completely right. It doesn’t feel wrong though. For the first time in months I am calm and not scrambling to get to where ever he is. I’m still turning over in my head what exactly happened, what it means and how I can change in the future.
I run for an hour and a half. I don’t remember the last time I did that. I actually have the energy and desire to do so. It felt amazing and I didn’t want to go home and contemplated going longer. I decided against it when my body started slowing down.
Once home I get cleaned up and head out again for the Paper Source. I wanted to get some things for my jewelry. Earlier in the month a co-worker helped explain the retail side of things to me when it comes to soliciting to stores. I’ve got a spreadsheet typed up and now, I need folders, a “look book”, and price tags among other things. I wander the store, fingers tracing everything. Nothing else in the world matters right now, but…right now. Why can’t I always be this way? When does the serenity come to an end the crazy begins?
I find what I’m looking for and head out again. I want a waffle with Nutella at the Iguana café. While walking there, out of no where, tears pour out of me hard and fast. These crying spells are the weirdest I’ve ever had. I’m not thinking anything, they just happen. In no time, they’re drying up and I’m walking through the door to sit by a window, with pen, paper, orange juice and the best waffle my mouth has ever experienced.
Later, back at home, I have an email from Jeff. He’s wanting to know if everything is ok because our breaking up was so out of the blue for him. He was also wondering if I felt I could no longer talk to him.
I’m not sure. I’m really not sure about anything. I sigh and decide to respond when I have something coherent to say. That comes faster than expected when my phone rings and Jeff’s name is blinking across the screen. I pick up and minutes later he’s on his way so we can go to a park and talk.
Talk about what I’m not sure. He’s upset with me most definitely. I’m not sure what exactly we’ll accomplish but I’m willing to see.
“Hi!” I beam because it’s so easy when I see him upon opening the door half an hour later.
“Hi.” he adjusts his backpack and I step aside, letting him in.
We walk upstairs and into my apartment where he places his bag on the floor and I get my keys.
“You wanna go to Millennium Park, or go across the street?” I ask.
“Across the street is fine.”
It’s weird not kissing him hello, not holding his hand as we walk. I’m trying to breathe and be normal .
“So.” I begin as we sit across from each other in a corner of the small park across from my apartment. “Why are you mad at me?”
Kids are playing in the pool behind us, and I think there’s a softball game going on as well. The sun is bright and hot…
“Because you broke up with me.”
I nod and begin bumbling through an explanation of how I wanted this work but it doesn’t for me.
“So what I’m hearing is that you’re not into me.”
I sigh and explain that I’m still attracted to him. I still find him amazing, I just need to seriously be alone. I feel the stuff I need to work on is stuff I have to do on my own.
The conversation moves all over the place. It’s one of the most honest conversations I think I’ve had with someone that I’ve been involved with. I can see how closed off I’ve been. I see how much I kept from him. I see and understand his fears and thoughts as well, and I wonder why it’s all coming out now that our relationship no longer exists. Why couldn’t we just talk about all of this when we were together? Why can’t I give myself to someone who is so obviously available and who obviously loves me and all my parts?
“I still like you. I still want to date you.” he tells me. “I just don’t want to talk you into doing something you don’t want to do.”
“You’re not.” I want to date him too. He feels I keep him at arm’s length. I feel I keep everyone there. I fear losing something that’s really good because of my issues with not being able to open up. Then again, is it who we are together that keeps me in this weirdness of being mostly, but not completely open? I don’t even think I know what completely open is.
It’s getting chilly outside as the sun is going down. We decide to get dinner after deciding to try and simply date each other. His hand finds mine as we walk to a new Indian place not far from my house. Sitting across from him I feel calm. I listen to his soft deep voice tell me stories over spicy vegetables and rice and think ok, I can do this. Baby steps…