The Ladybug...

Shortly after meeting Rob, he felt it important to have some sort of pet name for me. Not long after he made this declaration he decided this name would be “ladybug”. I’ve been obsessed with the red and black winged insect for nearly fifteen years so it made sense and made me smile.
I was one devastated lil bug when I found out I would no longer hear his voice say “Hey ladybug…” hence the name of my blog being what it is. After his funeral Nathan pointed out that life from here on out would be my “new normal”. I wasn’t looking for a “new normal”. I liked my “normal” normal thankyouverymuch.
Whether or not I liked it, adjustments had to be made. Processing of this loss had to happen along with every day life. Writing lets me process as well as talking to people, creating, or even taking some time out to talk to Rob. One day at a time a new normal was created and, one day at a time is still being created. Some days are like giant abstract paintings full of bright energetic colors, revelations, epiphanies and the like while some days are photographs of lush, captivating landscapes that seen to go on forever and still some are gray, full of clouds and rain.
With the loss of Rob nearly three years behind me I have grown and changed more than I ever have before. There have been plenty of set backs, icky, messy days, but also so many days full of more light and wonderfulness than I ever thought possible. Without the experience of his love and acceptance of who I am as a whole person I would have no idea how to recognize it today.
I used to lose my mind when, shorty after Rob died, mom would remind me that I would find someone else. I knew this. I just needed time to move through the current situation. For a little while I didn’t know how to be with someone else. I hated that I was attracted to Pete back in Atlanta. I hated that I wanted to go on a date with him. In the end my curiosity got the best of me and kept one foot in front of the other in acknowledging that dating someone doesn’t discount what I had. Pete was easy though. I was moving and he was still in law school. I didn’t feel there was much to lose because the loss had already practically happened when we, in not so many words, knew this wouldn’t last after I left.
Then, in walked Jeff, or should I say I walked in…to his place of employment and everything changed once again. Upon meeting him, going on a date with him, and choosing to walk this path with him, I found a kind of love that I’m not sure would ever exist for me. I’m used to dramatic encounters, always on a high of some sort. With Jeff the “high” is that of a stable, normal, loving relationship. One I can sink my feet into. It’s something I’m learning to open doors to, invite him in and allow him to love me while reciprocating that love. Writing those words feels very familiar. I had an idea of what that kind of love was like before it turned into something else, pulling us apart and into different worlds. I have remained grateful for the experience but I never knew I’d be grateful because it taught me to see, understand and give back that kind of love to someone else. It wasn’t a lesson I thought I was going to have to learn in the way I’m learning it. It’s been one of my biggest challenges in this grieving process, loving someone else with every ounce of my being and doing my absolute best to trust that he’s there and it really is ok.
All that being said, my “new normal” has moved again to another kind of normal. It’s one where I’m spending time (as guiltlessly as possible…) cultivating more creativity, learning more about myself, inside and outside of my grief, all while continuing to grow in my relationship with this wonderful, beautiful, incredible person that I love more than I ever thought possible.
I won’t stop writing here but my focus is shifting to other ideas and subject matter. I think it’s time I start taking baby steps into something else, being a ladybug that is not grieving so much but something else, something I can’t describe yet. I’ve recently began sharing other parts of myself on a new blog titled www.theredsquirrelsnest.blogspot.com. Ironically enough I chose the title because Jeff has said that I remind him of a squirrel. It made me laugh and I found it fitting and so the title and blog were born! Here I’m working more on finding my creative voice and expressing what that looks like for me. It’s a difficult process as well being I don’t let many people into this part but I hope to learn one entry and image at a time.
Words cannot express the amount gratitude I have for all of you that have followed me through this excruciating time, helping me along with your kindness, understanding and presence. It has meant the absolute world to me. I love you.