Show...

I step out of the cab a few blocks from my house and race home. I couldn't sit at the traffic light any longer. I'm already late and anxious.
At home I fly down the hall and into my room where I throw my things down and jump under a hot spray of water, taking a shower that felt like thirty seconds.
After drying off, I glance at the clock. I still have forty five minutes before I have to be ready. I exhale for the first time all day. Work was a constant adrenaline rush ending late and having me nervous I would still be running late when Charlie arrived. I had looked forward to this all week. Before leaving on a business trip last week he asked if I'd be interested in going to dinner and a show on Saturday. "Of course!"
I met Charlie a couple of weeks ago at a coffee shop. I was writing in my journal and after refilling his coffee he stopped by my table and said, "Are you writing a book over there?"
His voice caught me by surprise. I looked up at him and smiled. "Somethin' like that." My what sparkly eyes you have I think to myself. Stop it. "It's just my journal."
"What happens when you fill it up?" he nods towards my hands resting on the thick journal.
"I buy a new one."
"Are you serious?" his eyebrows raise.
I nod as if this is the most normal thing in the world, suddenly wondering "doesn't everybody?"
"How long have you been doing that for?" he's firing questions at me fast than I can think and it reminds me of something I do when I like someone.
"About eight years."
"Eight years?! How many of those do you have?" he exclaims.
"Um.. I'm not sure really. Thirty? Forty?"
"You go back and read them?"
"Sometimes." I laugh.
He nods. "I'll let you get back to it."
I return to my writing trying not to giggle. A little while later he's back, after refilling his coffee again asking more questions. I notice he's been in front of a laptop the whole time he's been here.
"Whatcha doin' behind that computer screen?" I smile.
"Procrastinating mostly. Working a little."
I nod.
"Hey, do you mind if I join you?" he asks.
"Not at all."
He sets his coffee down and brings his computer over and closes it.
"I'm Charlie by the way."
...I'm standing inches from my mirror applying my 17th coat of mascara. When I'm satisfied I stand back and think "Lipstick. Where is it?" I go into my room and start looking for a purse to carry. "Umbrella. Hmm... Where did I last see it?"
This is how my brain operates before a date. It's a wonder anything gets done. "Earrings..."
Charlie called me three days after asking for my number at the coffee shop and asked me if I wanted to go to the aquarium with him on Sunday. I had to work so we agreed on dinner after I was finished.
He met me at the salon and we walked across the street to a quiet little sushi place. Dinner turned into drinks by a fireplace at one of my favorite bars. We entertained each other with stories about our life, family, school, and work. It was getting late and I had to be in class the next morning. He walked me home, stopping at my gate and carefully kissing me goodnight.
"I had fun tonight." he smiled at me.
"Me too. Thank you."
"I'll give you a call."
"Ok." I smiled and walked inside.
..."Hairspray. I walk into the bathroom again and spray my carefully styled hair until it no longer moves in pieces but as an entire unit. I'm back to looking for lipstick when I glance at my phone. I have fifteen minutes. I start rummaging a little faster through my make-up drawer.
After dinner with Charlie that Sunday he called a few days later and we decided to go to the aquarium on Thursday. We met at the coffee shop we originally met at and set out to watch the fishes.
While wandering around his hand slowly finds it's way into mine and I suddenly feel like I'm in high school again. The aquarium turns into lunch, which turns into a movie which turns into a brief trip to the suburbs. While driving back I felt we were on I-85 and would soon be under Spaghetti Junction but no, the image in front of us is wide open interstate, and the Chicago skyline. It sometimes doesn't feel real that I'm here. It's like I'm living someone else's life and eventually I'll wake up in my bed under Kat's roof, smile at Rob and and start the day.
"Will you cut my hair?" Charlie asks.
"Of course! I was going to ask you if I could."
"Really?"
"Yup. I miss cutting boy hair." I laugh.
"Does Sunday work for you? I have to fly to Colorado but we could do it before."
"Perfect."
..."found the umbrella, what about the shoes? High heels or low heels?"I pull out the sheer black tights I bought earlier in the week and carefully pulled them on, trying not to forget that I am stil not wearing lipstick. "Hmm... low heels."
Sunday arrives and I let Charlie in to my place. "Sorry about the mess. Kaci's moving out and we haven't been doing much."
He smiled and followed me to my room. I'm pulling out my cutting things and he's bent down looking at my picture on my bookshelf. Three are of Rob, three are of my travels and one is of my family and me on the day Patrick graduated from college. I can see Charlie looking back and forth from picture to picture trying to make a connection somehow.
"Was your brother in the military?"
"Nope. That's Rob..." I look at the picture he's looking at of Rob dressed in his Citadel uniform on the day he graduated. "...my deceased boyfriend." I wasn't hoping to have this discussion just yet but didn't want to remove the pictures before he came over either.
"Oh. I'm sorry." Charlie's eyes don't meet mine.
"Thank you."
I cut his hair, so happy to feel the blades of my shears move over his head. We don't talk much. He watches me in the mirror and I watch his hair take shape, stopping to smile at him every so often.
"So how do you feel about getting dressed up on Saturday and going out for dinner and a show downtown?" he asks.
"Are you serious? That would be amazing!"
"I haven't done that here yet."
"Me either." I smile.
I go to O'hare with him when I'm done with his hair. We say goodbye at security and I take the train home.
...I don't find the damn lipstick I was hoping to wear, so I settle for lipgloss and decide it's good enough. I pick up a bottle of lotion and apply it. It was Rob's favorite. I wore it on our first date and he didn't stop talking about it. I didn't wear anything else until after he died. I move the creamy substance over my arms and look over at the pictures of him on my bookshelf. I smile at the one of him in the car looking at me. For a brief moment I wish so hard that it was him I was going out with tonight. I remember racing home after work on Fridays and getting all fancy for him before he came over, anxiously awaiting his knock on my door so I could sink into him. I barely let him in before squeezing him and melting into his kisses. Guilt fills me up and I stop thinking about anything but getting dressed. I step into a black and magenta dress and zip it up the back. My phone beeps with a text message. I snatch it up and smile when I read a message from Charlie. "I'm at your door." I race down the hall passed Kaci.
"Well look at you." she says to my back.
I turn and grin at her, hand on the doorknob. "I'm so excited!" I fling the door open and run downstairs, opening the front door and exhaling.
"Hi!" I beam.
"Hey." Charlie smiles at me. "You look nice."
"So do you."
He's dressed in a suit, holding his phone. "You ready?"
"Almost. Come up. I need to get my coat."
Minutes later we're out the door, my arm looped through his.
"So I wanted to surprise you and pick you up from work. I went to Evanston thinking you were there, but you weren't and I was almost late getting back." he tells me.
"Seriously?!" I squeal at the sweetness of this gesture.
He nods.
"Thank you though. I appreciate the thought."
"I wouldn't make a good stalker apparantly." he smiles.
He hails us a cab and opens the door for me. A few minutes later we're downtown, pulling over to the curb. He gets out and offers his hand. I smile and take it, sliding out of the cab and onto the pavement underneath the glittering lights of the theater. We're going to see the Broadway musical "Chicago."
"Wow." My eyes are about to pop out of my head. He grins and we walk in.
Once seated we quietly chat about our week until the show starts. "This is my life!" I'm squealing to myself. "I'm really here, really doing this and it's so fun I can hardly breathe!"
The show is one of the best I've seen. We both talk about how this is what we thought our lives would be like once moving here. (he moved from Madison three years ago) I wonder how many people make a habit of going to the theater...
We have dinner at a cute Italian place around the corner. I'm telling him about Atlanta, Kat and how I met her.
"She's coming to Chicago in April!" I exclaim.
"When? Don't say the weekend of the eighteenth."
I laugh. "Yup, that's when she'll be here."
"Damn. I'm going to be in Wisconsin. I want to meet her."
"You'd like her. I'm trying to decide if I'm going to fly back with her. Um. Rob..died on April twentieth. I can't figure out if I want to be home then or not. I took the day off work. It's weird. I don't know how I'm going to feel...if I'll want to be in Atlanta, or in Chicago with friends or completely alone wandering around aimlessly..." I trail off trying to take in air. His hand reaches across the table and takes mine. I smile and look away.
"Don't do it." he says.
"Do what?" I almost snap. "Cry? I'm not. Why is everyone so afraid of a crying person? I can talk about him and not lose it. Sometimes it catches me off guard though, but I'm ok with that. I don't think a lot of people are though."
Charlie watches my face as if he's waiting for me to say something else. The subject begins to change until we realize we're the only two people in the restaurant and decide we should probably go.
It isn't until the next day that I find myself crying for no reason. I wonder if I'm going to cry after every date I have with someone. It's like something else is stirring itself up in me and it's only way out is through my tears but I can't put words to it. I enjoy the company of another person but find myself scared to give anything to them. I'm terrified of getting hurt, terrified of getting too far away from my feelings for Rob, terrified of my own tears, of seeming unstable.
Despite all these feelings, it still doesn't keep me from exploring this path I seem to be on at the moment...