April 1...

"What is that noise?" I think to myself as I'm being jolted out of sleep by what seems to be a phone. My phone. Ringing. Probably should pick it up. I can't move though and close my eyes again. Curiosity gets the best of me and I can't get back to sleep. I pick up the phone and see it's Rob's dad. I press the voicemail prompt and listen to the message. He's calling to say hello and asking how things are up here. "I'm not going to call you on the twentieth. That's your day and mine too. It's going to suck but we have to do it our own way." I continue listening until the end of the message and hang up. I sit up, put the phone back on the table and explode. Rage fills every inch of me when I suddenly see where I am, alone in my room in Chicago. It's like there's a teeny little part of me that doesn't believe Rob is gone. Then something happens that reminds me of it and it sends me into a fit that needs to be restrained by a straight jacket. Tears fell so hard and fast I couldn't see. It's April first. I can't help but to think what I was doing this time last year. It was a Tuesday, so I was probably at work, later talking on the phone to Rob until one of us fell asleep I assume. I'd be leaving for Chicago for interview number two with Art+Science two days later. He'd be gone two weeks after that.
I stand up and go to the kitchen, making my oatmeal like always. I have no interest in it, the tears starting again. Everything is quiet. I'm trying to keep still and not make too much noise. I eat without tasting anything, get dressed, put my laptop in it's bag and head to the coffee shop I like to go to when I don't want to be social. I set up in a room in the back of the place and try to write but that turns into mostly staring out the window, thinking, remembering, and crying.
My phone beeps next to me with a text message alert. I nearly jumped out of my skin. It's Charlie saying that after a shower he's ready to go whenever I am. I text him back, telling him where I am and say that I too need a shower. We're going out to Shaumberg to the mall up there. I finish typing a sentence and shut the computer down. I'm still operating slower than molasses while walking home and taking that much needed shower. Still crying, still feeling...I don't know. Confused maybe? How is it that I care so much for both Charlie and Rob all at the same time when Rob's not here anymore? How do I even convey that message?
I get dressed and text Charlie. Twenty minutes later he's at my door and off we go. I'm completely exhausted and surprisingly enough, haven't felt the effects of the super strong coffee I just consumed. I feel my brain is split in two at the moment. On one side, I'm walking down N. Highland to get bagels with Rob on a Sunday morning and on the other side I'm right here next to yet another incredible human listening to his sweet voice tell me about his work wondering how did I get here? I'm scared of falling for Charlie because where does that leave Rob? Is this even fair? I can't imagine what it's like to be on the receiving end of my grief.
We get to IKEA first. Charlie's circling the parking lot looking for a spot. It looks as if the economy hasn't affected this place at all. It's a Wednesday morning and packed. He pulls into a spot next to a black Honda Accord with a shiny South Carolina plate on the back. Upon seeing it, I exhale and get out of the car, almost feeling the effects of this morning melt away. It's like Rob's little reminder that he's still here just not like he was. It still doesn't make it any easier to understand.
Charlie and I wander the store, stopping every so often to investigate something. He takes my hand as we express our opinions on various pieces of furniture and room designs. Once we've seen all we wanted to see we head to the mall. We spend the rest of the afternoon wandering into and out of stores. I feel perfectly content waching his decision making process over various articles of clothing.
"I think I'm done." he tells me after buying shoes.
"Kay." I nod.
I run my fingers through his hair while he drives us back to his place. Once there I'm laying on my stomach across his bed watching him carefully remove the tags from the pants he just bought.
"I know there's a faster way of doing this." he says while snipping away at the tiny threads that bind the tags to the garment.
Yup. I think to myself. I usually rip them off. I smile though, and don't say anything.
"But I want to do it right." he carefully investigates the fabric.
I smile and think Rob would do the same. My eyes move from watching Charlie's fingers to his face. His eyes catch mine and he smiles before going back to the tags. I continue to watch him trying to contain the giggling that is trying to erupt out of me. He looks at me again, moves the pants to the side, along with the scissors and already cut tags, and kisses me. I wrap my arms around him, completely, totally, and utterly grateful for his presence.