Relationship...

The sun is out and the air is rather chilly on my walk home with Charlie. It’s almost 10:00 am. My co-worker Alyx is picking me up and we’re headed downtown for a hairshow. My arm is looped through his and neither of us are saying anything until I pipe up, trying not to hyperventilate. “I noticed you called me your girlfriend yesterday when you were entering your time in for work.” (he was using me as an example of his daily occurrences “Walk my girlfriend to work.” Then insert correction… “Walk Melissa to get coffee” …and so on.)
“Yes, you’re a girl and you’re my friend. I corrected myself and called you “Melissa” afterwards.” he replied.
“I noticed that as well.”
“Scott calls you my girlfriend too.”
(Scott is Charlie’s best friend.)
“Really. And do you correct him?” I ask.
“I do.” he said after a slight hesitation. “Hey, are you trying to have the talk with me?”
“I dunno, am I?”
Neither of us say anything else. My heart is going to explode. Did I just screw this up? I imagine this is how Rob felt when he was trying the same thing with me and I changed the subject.
Alyx picks me up a few minutes later as we were standing at my front door. I quickly kiss him goodbye and he tells me he’ll see me later. On our way downtown I tell her about the conversation we just had.
“I’m all freaked out now.” I roll my eyes.
“Don’t be. I doubt he’s thinking about it.” she smiles at me.
Once at the show we lose our minds. We both bought supplies and watched the American Crew stage show twice. (Several of our co-workers and former co-workers put the show together.) There was so much to see and so much…interesting hair, it was overwhelming. Several hours later we were back at my apartment. Alyx dropped me off and I went for a run.
That evening, Charlie fixed us dinner. I told him if I freaked him out this morning, I was sorry.
“You didn’t. It’s not a big deal really.”
“Kay.” I smile.
A few days later he offers to take me to work. We’re at my apartment, him on the phone with a client, me racing around trying to get my work things together when I hear him say, “I need to call you after ten, I’m taking my girlfriend to work.”
I don’t look at him, just keep moving almost pretending like I didn’t hear him. He hangs up and looks at me. “Yeah, I said “girlfriend”.”
I smile and say “I’m happy to be your girlfriend.”
After Rob died people were constantly telling me that I’d find someone else, that everything would be ok. I knew this but wanted time to grieve the loss that just sucked the air out of me. I wanted to get used to the idea that the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life again was gone forever. There aren’t many things that are permanent like this. I remember telling Rob’s mom that the next person I managed to get into a relationship with had some really tall shoes to fill, whoever he was. I felt badly for this unknown person because I didn’t know how it was going to be for him following something like this. Half the time I don’t know what to do with it. How can I expect someone else to?
Charlie though, has handled the whole thing perfectly. He lets me talk and if he’s afraid of my tears, he doesn’t show it. I feel so safe and taken care of when I’m with him.
I asked him a little later if he’d come to Atlanta with me for Easter. He quickly agreed. I dragged my feet on telling my family though. I didn’t want anyone to think for a minute that this new relationship would mean that Rob was gone from my mind or that the grieving process was magically over. I also feared being watched super closely as if people would try and dissect my actions with Charlie and compare them to how I acted with Rob. I am judgmental of that myself. I love playing with Charlie’s hair, I constantly want to tell him how amazing he is, how much I adore him. I want to write him because it’s somehow easier for me to say certain things that way and helps me make sense of stuff I have trouble talking about. I find myself doing these things but being hesitant about it or avoiding it all together because it’s what I did with Rob. I’ve noticed myself sometimes being very quiet with Charlie because I’m afraid once I start talking, I’ll explode and cry and won’t be able to stop. Saying nothing only results in me eventually wanting to pick at him because he’s not reading my mind, and that isn’t acceptable either.
I don’t know where to go from here, what to do, or say half the time. What I do know is that overall, I’m very happy and trying to take all of this, once again, one day at time.