Arrivin'...

“See. I’m not gonna miss any of this.” I gesture toward the windshield. Kat at I were on the road maybe thirty minutes before we hit Atlanta’s Friday afternoon traffic.
“I was trying to avoid it.” she sighed.
We chatted about our day while inching forward. I feel void of any emotion right now. It takes an hour before we’re up to the speed limit. The engine of the truck is so loud that it feels like it’s taking too much energy to talk. We’re both quiet after a while.
The sun goes down and the rain continues. It gets harder then slacks off then gets harder again. We cross into Tennessee and eventually have to stop at a gas station and fill up the truck.
“Do you want anything?” I ask her while sliding out of the passenger seat.
“No thanks.”
“I think I want ice cream…” I trail off while walking towards the building.
Minutes later, ice cream in tow, we’re back on the road. The rain hasn’t stopped. I find myself dozing off. I want to stay awake, and I’m trying but sleep just feels so good…
…“Ok, when we get off the exit, then what?” Kat’s voice woke me up.
“What’s that?” I look at her and see she’s on her phone. I glance at the clock. It’s after eleven. I’ve been asleep for two hours.
“Ok. Ok. Yes, I remember. We’ll see you in a little bit. Ok. Bye.” she hung up the phone.
“We’re in Kentucky!” she exclaims. We’re staying with her grandmother, and eating breakfast with her and Kat’s aunt and uncle in the morning before heading out again.
“Yay!” I clap. My eyes feel like someone poured gravel on top of them. I blink. “It’s so flat out here.” I stare out at the vast expanse of street, traffic lights and restaurants.
“You think this is flat? Just wait until tomorrow.” Kat laughed.
This particular area reminds me of Anderson South Carolina where Rob lived. I’ve see many South Carolina car tags on our way up here which has been rather comforting. I’ve always thought the South Carolina tags were Rob’s way of letting me know he was with me. What’s going to happen once I get to Illinois?
“I think I was supposed to turn back there.” Kat said.
“Hmm. You know, I don’t have an opinion.” I smiled, having no idea where we are. I’ve never been to this part of the country.
“I guess we’ll see.”
Sure enough, we were supposed to turn. She circled around and we made it to her grandmother’s a little later than we thought.
Kat’s grandmother lives in the only high rise on the street. Her one bedroom apartment is precious. The three of us talk for a little while before finally getting to bed.
I’m up early the next morning and staring at the ceiling. Kentucky. We’re in Kentucky. I’m really doing this! I really did leave. My stomach lurched and I inhaled quickly trying to catch my breath. Pete’s not next to me, there will be no coffee and long talks on the porch this morning, no cutting hair today, just driving. Driving to something completely unknown…
We’re all up an hour or so later. The sky is gray and cloudy. I called mom and dad, texted Monique, telling her I missed her this morning at the salon and we headed out to breakfast.
“I can drive.” Kat said as we loaded up the truck, bellies full.
“Are you sure? You drove all night.”
“I don’t mind. Trust me, I’ll let you know if I need to switch.”
“Ok.” I smiled. I rather she drive anyway. The damn truck scares me.
We both climbed in and laughed. “Here we go!” she exclaimed.
“Yay!”
“Will you read me the directions?” Kat asked a little while later.
I read the next few lines of the MapQuest directions she printed instructing us to merge on to another interstate in sixty four miles.
“Ok, so we have some time.” she said.
“To say the least.” I stared out the window. I think I’d be ok with driving forever and never stopping. I’m amazed my short attention span hasn’t led me to a book or writing, or even texting. My eyes haven’t moved from the window since we started driving again.
“So glad it’s clear outside.” I said sarcastically. It’s still raining!
“I know. We need to stop soon for gas.”
“Kay…”A few miles later we’re pulling off. We’re in Indiana and in the middle of nowhere, BUT there is a Starbucks!
“I’m going in for coffee! You want anything?” I squeal.
“No thanks!” she laughs.
Back in the truck, a latte warming my hands, we’re off again.
“I’ve never seen so much damn corn before in my life.” I stare out at the miles and miles of corn fields.
“Yup. This is flatter than Kentucky.”
The rain stopped sometime in between cornfields. We cross the state line into Illinois.
“Ok, what do we do now?” Kat asked.
“Gotta get to the toll road. Stay to the right.” I read the directions then looked out in front of us. There were two toll roads we drove through before we eventually saw the sign that read “Welcome to Chicago”.
“Yay!” I squealed.
“Do you want to call Kaci and tell her where we are?” Kat asks.
Kaci is my roommate that I found online five weeks ago, and have never met or spoken to.
“Um, I think I’ll text her.” I pull out my phone.
We continue to follow the directions further into the city. It’s getting dark despite it being almost five in the afternoon. Kat and I sigh at the view of the buildings. I live here now…really?!
“Get off at the next exit.” I tell Kat. Kaci hasn’t texted me back yet.
“OK, then what?”
“Turn right. We’re close.”
“You want to call her now?”
“Nope. Let’s get there. I can’t talk and read directions at the same time.”
We get to the street I live on and find it’s one way and we’re going the wrong way.
“Dammit. Hang on. I’m gonna turn around and go up a block, then come down the street.”
“Ok.”
She turns our bus around and heads down the street, stopping in front of my new residence.
“This is it!”
“Love!” I sigh. It’s a narrow brick building across from a huge church.
The skyline is behind the church and I can hardly breathe. “Wow. I think I’ll call Kaci now.” I dial her number.
“Hello?” a voice answers.
“Kaci? It’s Melissa!”
“Oh hey! Are you here yet?”
“We are! Where should we park?”
“Stay there. I’m right down the street.”
“Ok…”
We hung up and I looked at Kat. “She said stay. She’s right down the street.”
“Hmm. I guess I’ll put my flashers on.” she pressed the button and we were quiet, waiting.
Ten minutes later a pretty girl with curly brown hair and another girl with long dark hair walk up to the front of our truck. I jump out.
“Hey!” I exclaimed and shook the first girl’s hand.
“Hey! I’m Kaci and this is my friend Julia.” she shook my hand.
“Hi!”
“Ok, so you guys need to circle around to the back and pull in the alley-way and I’ll direct you from there.” Kaci said.
“Ok.” I nod. I feel I can barely move. I jump back in the truck and tell Kat this.
“Oh boy.” she says. “This is gonna be tight.”
Oh and it was. We had to circle the block twice to get it right and not side swipe another building, but we made it!
“Before you start moving things in, let me show you the place!” Kaci said and walked us up the back stairs to a small deck, and through a door that is my bedroom.
“This is your room, your closet,” she flipped on the light switch and I gasped. It’s fabulous!
“Wow…”
“Yeah, your closet is great!” Kaci laughed. “Here’s the bathroom. The other roommate, Stacey’s stuff is still in there but she’s going to move it out. She works like, three jobs.”
Kat and I nod and we keep walking.
“So this is the kitchen and the living room! I’m sorry my stuff is still everywhere…” Kaci looks around. There is fabulous amounts of cabinet space, a cute table and chairs and two comfy looking couches in front of a t.v. and a large window that looks out onto the church. “Julia and I are going down the street to get keys made for you while you’re moving everything in. Stacey should be home soon so you’ll get to meet her as well.”
“Ok.” I nod.
“Shall we?” Kat looks at me.
“Yup!” I smile. We go back through my room and the back door while Kaci and Julia head out the front door.
“I really like it!” Kat smiles.
“Me too!”
We walk to the back of the truck and pull the sliding door up revealing everything I brought. Something begins to fall from the sky and float around us. We stop and look at each other.
“Snow!” We both exclaim and erupt into a fit of slap happy, lost our minds laughter.
In an hour and a half we have everything inside after uttering every explicative in existence. (the bed was hard and the last thing we had to move…) we’ve met Stacey who I believe is our resident supermodel, (she’s so pretty it’s illegal), and have keys now that Kaci and Julia are back.
“So we need to take the truck back. The place we drop it off at is in Wrigleyville. How do we get back?” Kat asks Kaci.
“Um, take the red line to Clark and Division then take bus number seventy to Division and you’ll know where you are. Call me if you need help.” she replies.
Huh? Bus? Really? I guess I have to learn sometime…
“Ok!” Kat replies and we’re off again.
I’m so delirious I have no idea what’s going on as Kat backs our huge ass out of the tight spot we’re in.
“Dammit, I can’t see anything.”
“I’ll direct you!” I exclaim and jump out. Once she’s backed out we realize the street we’re heading down dead ends.
“Great. I think I’m going to have to back out the whole way down the street.” she rolled her eyes.
“Um…Yeah….” There was no where to turn around. With both of us looking in the mirrors and saying a prayer, we got it out of the street unscathed.
“I can’t wait to get rid of this thing!” she exclaimed.
“I know!” I laughed.
We found the drop off place with no problem. Parking it was going to be the problem. The only spot available was in front of a car on a trailer.
“I’m going to have to block that car in.” she sighed.
“Dumbass shouldn’t have put the car there in the first place. I guess if they needed it they would have put it in a better spot.” I observe.
“Fine. I don’t see another place to put it.” She pulls in, we get out, drop the keys off and look at each other.
“I’m starving.” I look around.
“Me too.”
“Whatcha want?” I ask.
“Food. I don’t care.”
“Me either.”
We start walking and stop in the first bar we see. We sit in a high top table and both order a beer.
“We made it!” she exclaims!
“Yay!” We clink our glasses.
We order a stupid amount of food and are practically silent as we feast on it like we’ll never eat again.
“This still isn’t real. It still feels like I’m on vacation… with everything I own.” I tell her.
“Oh it’ll be real tomorrow when I get on that plane!” Kat laughs.
“Let’s not talk about that!”
Eventually we roll ourselves out of there and onto the train.
“Clark and Division right?” she looks at me.
“Uh huh.”
We’re off in two stops.
“Which bus?” she looks at me.
“Dunno.” I smile.
“I think it’s that way.” she points across the street to a bus stop.
“Ok.”
We stand there with no sign of any bus coming from anywhere.
“I’m freezing. Let’s get a cab” I look at her.
“Alright. Let’s give it ten minutes.”
“Deal.”
Ten minutes later…
“West Division and North Cleaver.” I’m telling the cab driver.
“Ok.” he replies and takes us there.
Kaci is in the kitchen when we get home.
“How’d it go guys?”
“Good!” Kat and I said at the same time and laughed.
“Fabulous!”
We stay up a little while longer until I’m no longer able to form sentences anymore. Kat and I agree we’re going to breakfast in the morning at my favorite spot, The Bongo Room then she’ll be off to the airport. Sleep comes with little effort…

Leavin'...

Leavin’…
Each day for the past two weeks I’ve woken up and quickly thought “It’s , damn. At least it’s not Friday.” Today I woke up and it was Friday.
It’s hard to identify what it is I’m feeling upon waking up. I wasn’t really nervous but almost eager to get the day started so as not to feel any uncomfortable feelings. Maybe if I stay in motion, I won’t feel anything at all.
Pete’s roommate, Caryn made breakfast for all of us. It was so nice to enjoy one last morning with her and one last cup of coffee with Pete while sitting on his porch. When I’m in their house it’s as if I’m on vacation. Nothing else matters but what I’m doing at that exact moment. Being in my own home and all it’s disheveled madness sparks my anxiety and makes moving more real, so I’ve chosen to remain in my blissful land of coffee, long talks, and laughs sprinkled with kisses and sunshine sparkling through the huge trees that line their street.
“What do you have left to do today?” Pete asks.
“Hmm. Finish packing, and sell the car.” I reply. My mom’s co-worker is interested in purchasing it from me for her daughter. If not, it’s going to CarMax. I’m really not interested in taking a huge loss on it but if that’s what has to happen, then ok.
I’ve grown very attached to that little car. Sure it’s an inanimate object but I lusted after Toyota Celicas for years. All during my days as an assistant at Van Michael I would peek out the window sometimes and gaze out at the blue one that parked across the street everyday. Once I started making money as a stylist I finally bought my silver one.
My sweet little car has taken me everywhere without fail. It’s suffered two accidents but avoided many in the land of idiot driving. It’s carried some of my closest friends, heard some intimate conversations, and witnessed a kiss or two. It’s heard my loud singing, my incessant cussing at the dumbass in front of me and caught my tears when they fell.
Needless to say, the road hasn’t always been smooth. There have been incidents with the car’s possessed alarm, flat tires, pot holes and a few speeding tickets. My love never wavered though.
Months after making my last payment, I decided to move to Chicago and so the process of selling it began.
“Has she called you yet?” Pete sipped his coffee.
“Nope. If she wants it and I have to take it down to mom’s office, can you bring me back to Atlanta?”
“Yup. I’m going to school to take care of some things but just lemme know when you find something out.”
(Pete’s in law school)
I nod. We’re quiet for a moment looking at each other.
“Where will I see you off?” he asks.
“I hate this conversation already. My house I guess.” I reply.
“I’m really gonna miss you.” he says quietly.
“Don’t you start that! I’m going to miss you the most!” I laugh and run my fingers through the top of his hair. I cut it in my bathroom last night after midnight as we were cleaning up and packing.
“Nope! I’m gonna miss you the most!”
“I will!” I’m still laughing. We go back and forth until he kisses me.
“I gotta get moving.” I sigh.
“I know.”
He stands up and takes my hand, pulling me up. We walk inside and I get my things together. When I’m about to walk out neither of us move.
“Alright. So I’ll see you in a little bit.” I’m having a hard time looking him in the face.
“Yeah. Let me know about the car and either way, I’ll let you know about what time I’ll be done with school.”
“Deal.”
“So, uh, I’ll walk you out.”
I nod and he opens the door. I’m not sure when I’m coming home again. I never doubted my decision, I just didn’t know it was going to be this hard. He kisses me goodbye and I climb into my car. Once this ignition is started my head is spinning with the list of things I have to do before I leave. I decide to start with the bank.
As I leave Candler Park, my phone rings. It’s mom’s co-worker and she’s decided not to buy the car. CarMax it is. I text Pete and Kat. A few minutes later, Kat is calling.
“Hey darlin’! I pick up.
“Hey, where are you?”
“Going to the bank.”
“You still have the car right?”
“I do.”
“Ok, Gordon is going to call you in a bit. I think he wants to buy it.”
“What?!” I exclaim. (Gordon is Kat’s boyfriend)
“We just hate to see you take such a loss on it.”
“This… is amazing!”
“Yay! So he’ll call you soon, ok?”
We get off the phone and I’m relieved beyond comprehension. I get to the bank then home again.
As I race around, trying to get all the last minute crap done, I feel there is no air circulating through my lungs. Since Rob, I’ve become so familiar with that feeling and move faster to avoid the walls closing in around me. Maybe it’s time that’s closing in though and it just feels like walls.
Gordon calls and wants to test drive the car at 2:00pm. I get the truck packed and at this point I feel I’m pacing back and forth doing not much of anything. Pete calls and is on his way. Once he gets to my place I melt into his arms.
“So you’re all packed?” he asks.
“Yup.” I nod. We sit down on the stairs that lead up to my front door. “Gordon is going to test drive the car soon. He’s up the street.”
“Sounds good. Is he going to buy it?”
“Hope so.” I smile.
“I have no suggestions as to what to do right now. I just wanted to be with you before you left.”
“Same here. Why did you have to go and come in for a haircut and complicate things?” I laugh. “I was doing just fine until you came along!”
“I know. It was worth it though.”
“You’re right.”
“You want to get lunch?”
“Sure. Whatcha thinking?
“Hmm. How about Atkins Park?” he asks.
Atkins Park was one of Rob’s favorite places. I wasn’t sure if I’d go back before I left but here I am, holding hands with Pete up the street to the restaurant. I wait until we’re seated before telling him this.
“The day Rob died, I got off work before him and had a feeling he’d want to come here. I kept telling my dad that I was supposed to see him tonight…”
Pete takes my hand and we’re quiet. I stare out the window. It’s gray outside. Memories flood my head. Many days were spent walking up North Highland for the guy I assisted, going on coffee runs at a Starbucks, or getting lunch for us. Many Sunday mornings were spent at that same Starbucks with my computer, instant messaging friends, and working on my book, stopping occasionally to stare out the window. For six years I’ve watched the leave on the trees that line the side streets change colors, fall away and grow again.
Many nights were spent walking home after one too many Captain and Cokes with Kat at Limerick, endless talks and laughs were had over sushi and Thai food at Harry and Sons. There have been plenty of ups and downs and more to come but this part is coming to a close. The person I am now will not be the same one that returns to Atlanta, for visits or for something more permanent if the road goes that way. I’m both terrified and ecstatic.
“Don’t you start.” Pete warns me.
“What?” I look over at him.
“Crying. I see you over there.”
“I’m not gonna cry. What’s wrong with crying anyway?”
“If you cry, then I’ll cry.” he states.
“Is that such a bad thing?
“Men don’t cry. Sign of weakness.” he winks at me.
“I never understood that. If you gotta cry then cry.”
The food arrives and we’re quiet. I feel guilty for wanting everything to speed up. Let’s go ahead and rip the band-aid off so I can hurry on through the hurt of leaving I’m inevitably going to feel.
I check the time once our bellies are full. “Kat’s going to be home soon.” I look at Pete.
“Shall we then?” he holds his hand out to take mine.
“I guess.” I smile.
“Promise me we won’t lose touch.” he says once we’re outside.
“Deal, although you have to meet me half way on the keeping in touch route.”
He nods. “I told you though, I am bad about it.”
“And I told you I’m the opposite.”
We walk up the stairs to my house and I open the door. I had left my car key for Gordon and I’m assuming he’s still driving it around.
“Got something for you.” I walk over to the ironing board where I had a package wrapped for Pete. I hand it to him.
“Do I open it now?”
“If you want.”
He does and smiles immediately. “All my favorite things!” he laughs and pulls out the little card last. I watch him read it and keep the smile plastered on my face. I’m about to cry and don’t want to start it. He folds the card and carefully places it in the envelope. He wraps his arms around me and buries his face into my shoulder.
“I feel the same way.” his voice cracks into my skin, his tears soaking my shirt, and my own tears start. Basically, in the card, I told him how much it’s meant to me to have him in my life and how grateful I am for his unwavering kindness.
When we pull away we’re giggling and wiping our faces.
“Sooo… that card, um, I was going to write this, but thought I’d just tell you. For Easter, Rob gave me the box of cards (there is a ladybug on the front and the words “thank you” are written underneath the bug.) and I wrote one to my sponsor but never gave it to her. After he died I decided to keep the rest of them. And then you came along and I couldn’t help myself.”
The crying starts again.
“Pete, I love you darlin’.” the words come out of my mouth faster than I can think.
“I love you too. I wanted to tell you that but didn’t want to make it even harder.”
I nod.
“You’re going to do great things in Chicago. Be careful ok? Don’t walk around with your iPOD in your ears, and check the reflections in the buildings to make sure someone isn’t following you. If you feel like someone is, stop into a bar or crowded place. Um… I think that’s all the advice I have.”
“Thanks.” I kiss him.
Kat comes home and changes clothes. She and Gordon are walking back and forth as Pete and are still milling around.
“Melissa? Can you come over for a sec?” Gordon says from the other side of our duplex.
“Hey!” I turn the corner and follow him into the kitchen after grabbing the title to the car.
“Do you have the title to the car?”
“Right here!” I pull it out.
“Good. I’ve never done this before!”
“Neither have I.” I smile.
“OK, so it says for you to sign here.” he points to the line where it’s asking for the seller’s signature. I carefully sign my name. The car no longer belongs to me. He hands me an envelope.
“That ok?”
“Uh huh.” my eyes are wide. I need to find a bank. There’s no time. This should be interesting.
“I’ll miss you darling.” he hugs me and we both start to cry. “How long have I known you?”
“Seven years.” I whisper.
“Since Van Michael right?”
“Yup! You just started dating Kat.” I laugh.
“Melissa are you about ready?” Kat’s voice is behind me.
“I think so.” I wipe my face again. “Where’s Pete?”
“In the living room. I’m just going to get a couple more things and then we need to get going.”
“Ok.” I smile and walk back to my side of the house. Pete is on the couch. I curl up next to him and hold his hand.
“Sell your car?” he smiles.
“Sure did!”
We sit there until Kat peeks in. “You ready?” she exclaims.
“Yeah..” I smile, peeling my ass off the couch.
We all walk outside. Pete and I share longs hugs, lots of kisses and smiles. Kat shuts her door, I squeeze in one more kiss from Pete before saying “see you later!” because I don’t like saying “goodbye”. He and Gordon wave to us as Kat starts the ignition.
“Here we go!” she laughs.
“Yay!” I squeal and we both clap our hands, laughing.

Pancakes...

I am obsessed with chocolate chip pancakes. I’m not sure exactly when it started but I somehow discovered them and did a Google search for them in Atlanta. I found that Dakota Blue in Grant Park had them and I went with some friends on my 25th birthday before jumping out of a plane.
Since then, I’ve been back numerous times to relive the deliciousness all over again. I eventually invited Rob to join me in my delightful Sunday morning sugar high. He fell in love with something that wasn’t so sugar filled and soon we found ourselves going back again and again.
I haven’t been back since died. I think about it often, I just don’t go. I now have one Sunday left in Atlanta. I gotta have my pancakes one more time. I contemplate going alone…
Saturday was my last day of work. It was filled with amazing clients, wonderful conversations and fun haircuts. I carefully went through the motions of packing up my station. I was doing everything I could not to cry as I packed up my license and all my brushes. It’s like I had all these things to mark time with. Like when I decided to move, I had to wait until Monday to call Art+Science. That happened, then I had to tell Salonred and give a notice. The goal was November 8th. I had five weeks at that point. It’s now November 8th and I can’t believe my station is now empty. Time is moving at the speed of light and I just need it to slow down so I can catch my breath.
Not to mention, I’m still seeing my client. (Pete!) We don’t say much about this whole moving thing. We agree and say often that we’re going to miss each other but nothing else beyond that is said and the subject usually changes quickly.
Once I finish at work, I stop by Rob’s favorite sushi place one more time. I don’t know how I feel or how to articulate what’s in my head. This whole thing is becoming more and more real as each minute passes and I’m not sure I’m ready. Not that it matters because November 14th is coming whether I like it or not.
Pete calls later and I meet him at his place. I don’t have anything to say. He asks me about my day, and I try to explain but it’s requiring too much energy. He’s standing across from me at the kitchen counter when I find myself saying, “Do you want to come with me to get chocolate chip pancakes in the morning?”
“Sure! Where we going?”
“Dakota Blue in Grant Park. I gotta have them one more time!”
“Sounds good!” he walks over to me and stands behind me, wrapping his arms around my torso. He holds me there, neither of us saying anything. When he lets go he looks at me and says he’s got to get some sleep. I nod and follow him to his room.
Once in bed I warm my feet on his legs, trying to breathe deeply so as not to cry.
The sun is peeking through the blinds, waking me up. I look over at Pete trying to will him awake but that doesn’t work. I doze off and wake up several times before he gets up.
“Hi.” he smiles and hugs me.
“Hey.” I kiss his nose. “Still up for pancakes?”
“I am. May I make some coffee first?”
“Of course.”
I make the mistake of drinking two cups on an empty stomach. My hands began to shake a little. It’s amazing I was able to operate my car once we got going.
“Hey guys! Sit wherever you like!” the hostess tells us upon walking in.
“Where you wanna sit?” I look up at him.
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Over there?” I point to a table in a corner.
“Yup.”
Once seated we’re grinning at each other. I don’t look at the menu but watch him. When he’s figured out what he’s getting he looks up and around at the dark blue walls.
“I like this place. I didn’t know it was here.”
“Yeah, I used to drive by it when I’d meet my friend Les to go run.”
The server comes by and takes our order. Pete’s still smiling at me. I want to talk but don’t know what to say or how to start. I haven’t told him anything about coming here with Rob or even about skydiving. We eventually float in and out of conversation. The food arrives and he’s laughing at my excitement.
“So I was looking for chocolate chip pancakes one day in Atlanta and..” I started.
“You Googled them didn’t you?!” he exclaimed.
“I did!” I laugh. “I found this place had them and wanted to come for my 25th birthday. It was so much fun! I can’t believe I’m not going to get them again for a while. I couldn’t find any in Chicago.”
“I’m glad I got to be here to watch you eat them.” he smiles.
“Me too.” I nod.
We’re quiet again for a moment when I look up at him. “I feel like I have all this stuff I want to tell you about Rob and I don’t know how to say it. I want to ask you something and can’t find the words to form the question. I don’t know how to be with all this. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or anything.”
“Darlin’, you can say whatever it is you want to me.” he replies.
I sigh. I still don’t know, so I start talking in hopes I’ll make some sense.
“Rob and I came here a lot. I haven’t been back since he died.” I inhale, looking out the window at the orange and yellow leaves hanging off the trees, getting blown around by the wind. “I remember a month or so afterwards, his dad and I were talking about the places we’d go together and he said “I hope one day you’ll be able to take someone special to all the places you and Rob went to.” I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to think about it, but here you are.” I smile.
“Thank you.” Pete says quietly. “I’m glad you did and I got to share it with you.”
I nod. “I wasn’t sure whether or not I was going to do this by myself or not.”
“I’m glad you asked.”
“Me too.” I smile. “I still want to ask you something and I still can’t figure out what it is.”
“Hmm. Tell me about him then. What was he like?”
“He was a really really good person.” I reply, knowing that doesn’t scratch the surface. “He was so sweet to me.”
“What did he do?”
“He was a civil engineer. So damn smart. He was able to understand math and science perfectly but also had amazing English skills. I’ve never met anyone who did both so well.”
Pete’s hand unfolds and reaches for mine.
“See.” I say, placing my hand in his. “You do that. Just like he did.” My eyes fill with tears as I watch my ring sparkle in the sun shining through the window. “I know you’ve said before that you think you’re a hurdle for me. Your presence in my life is supposed to make it harder to leave but I feel like you’re helping me in a way. I’m so calm with you. It’s like everything is ok with you. Rob’s the only other person I’ve had that with.”
The tears were about to fall when he says “You wanna take a walk?”
I nod.
We walk out and along the sidewalk. Most of it is littered with colored leaves crunching beneath our feet. Pete’s still got a hold of my hand and I’m trying to catch my breath.
We turn the corner and he wraps his arm round my waist. I do the same to him as we continue.
“I’ve never liked someone as much as I like you.” he tells me. “I usually give myself to unavailable people.”
“Me too!” I laugh. “What is that?”
“Don’t know.”
We cross the street and walk into Grant Park. The trees are so beautiful, the grass is a perfect shade of green, the air is chilly but not cold and Pete is twirling me around before wrapping me up in a huge hug.
I look up and smile at him before he kisses me.
“Every time I’ve been this open with someone, I’ve gotten hurt.” he tells me.
“The last time I was this open with someone, he died.” I said quietly and dissolved in tears. I don’t try to stop it this time. Pete hangs on to me and says nothing. I somehow wonder if Rob sent him to me. He posses all my favorite things about Rob but is completely different. I somehow manage to start talking incessantly again. I say all this so as to explain myself in a way.
“I wanted to tell Rob everything always. There was this urgency I felt that I had to get it all out at that moment, no matter what. I did it because I was so afraid he was going to leave me once I moved to Chicago, even though he encouraged my decision to go. Two weeks after taking the job, he died. He left me. He wasn’t supposed to drive the Jeep…” I trail off and a fresh wave of tears start. Pete is quiet, rubbing my head and back.
“You’re still here.” he says. “You’re still here and you’re still living and going on, and he’s so proud of you. No matter what happens to us, where ever we are, where ever we go, I want you to know I am always here for you, for whatever you need.”
“Same here.” I say into his neck.
“It feels so good to be able to give you one hundred percent.” he says.
“Me too! What is that?” I laugh.
“I trust you!” we say at the same time and laugh.
“It feels good to give to someone who gives back.” I look up at him.
“It does. You’re going to be just fine. When you get to Chicago, you’ll finally see what everyone else already sees.”
I kiss him. This has got to be one of the most incredible moments I’ve ever had with another person. I can’t fully explain what it all feels like except that I wish I had a way of bottling it up and keeping it with me always to look back on and experience all over again. Between the clear sky, sparkly sun and changing leaves, plus this amazing conversation, I can’t see how it could get much better.
On our way back to the car, he takes my hand in his and smiles at me.
“Melissa, in five years, if we’re still single, lets get married and have some kids and a dog.”
I laugh. “I don’t want kids, but I’ll settle for the dog and maybe a cat.” When I look at him and his expression I laugh again and say, “OK. Kid. Maybe one, but nothing plural, and you’ll have to do a lot of sweet talkin’! Even then it’s not definite!”
He laughs and we head home to get the rest of our day going.

Full...

Time is closing in around me and is no longer of the essence. I feel myself putting up walls to separate myself from any uncomfortable feelings I may be currently experiencing. It makes me hostile and I find myself turning to food more and more often these past few days. While I can see that everything is fine, and will be fine, I have trouble really accepting that I have little control over what is happening in my life. Series of events have unfolded, words have been exchanged and have left me standing here wondering where the hell has all of this been my whole life and what is the point of all of it coming to a head as I have one foot out the door? It’s so much information, experience, and thoughts flooding my life all at once that I don’t know what to do with it all.
Writing has been next to impossible. While I want to capture every shared word, thought, and feeling, I can’t pin point one feeling or thought to focus on and write out. I think I’m unsure as to what I feel like because I don’t want to feel anything. I’ve stuffed it all down with edible items and sinking into my comfortable numb place where nothing exists but what’s in my mouth.
I am still spending a lot of time with my client which has been incredible. It’s given me the chance to see that even without Rob here, I can still stand on my own, be myself and accept the love this person has to give. He’s helped me along this path in ways I can’t articulate. I only wonder why he’s come into my life now, as I’m leaving.
I was feeling extra special insane when I went to see him the other night and for whatever reason I just so happened to look over at a shelf in his living room and saw the words “One day at a time.” spelled out across the front of the shelf. I’ve been in his living room many times and don’t remember seeing that before. I stared at those words like it was a damn message from God. If I could only remember that, and simply be…right now.
I keep reminding myself that I’m the one who chose this path. I know if I stay I’ll regret not ever leaving. I just don’t understand why now everything seems so bright and sparkly. I’m suddenly fascinated by the Marta trains that go back and forth across the street from the salon. I stare up at the sky and watch the sun shine through the leaves on the trees, making them sparkle. I drive through all the familiar streets, seeing things I don’t remember seeing or etching other little things into my mind hoping to sear their memory deep in my mind. There isn’t enough time, words or capacity it my head to absorb all that I’m surrounded with and remember it. I want to though, desperately. I feel that my writing won’t do all of it justice so I keep putting it off more and more until I’m stressed out that yeah, of course I’ll forget things if I don’t write them down.
My client called shortly after I got home this evening.
“How are you?” he asks.
“I’m, um, rather emotional today.”
“Wanna be emotional at my house?” I hear him smile.
“Yes sir, I do.”
Once I arrive we sit on the love seat out on his porch.
“So tell me, what’s in your head?” he asks while putting his arm around me.
I draw my knees up to my chest while resting my head on his shoulder. “I’m overwhelmed. Work is about to end, I still have so much left to do. I went to rent a truck to move in and burst into tears. I sent Kat an email asking for help. I know everything is fine and will be, it’s just I feel like everything is closing in on me.”
“It’s a big deal, what you’re doing. It’s exciting and scary, and you’re going to feel a lot of things. You’re doing something really hard to yourself. Not to mention the trauma you’ve already experienced.” he says quietly.
“Yeah. It’s been a hard year that’s for sure.” My eyes fill with tears as my head sinks to his chest but they don’t spill over my cheeks. “I chose this though. I’m choosing to do this.”
“Of course. There’s a reason for it and I think you’ll be a better, stronger person for doing so.”
I nod.
“I’m going to miss you though.” he says.
“Oh my goodness. I can’t even handle it. I’m going to miss you too.”
Again, why is it that all of this is happening all at once? What’s the point? I do understand there’s a reason but what is it? What am I supposed to be learning?