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Time is closing in around me and is no longer of the essence. I feel myself putting up walls to separate myself from any uncomfortable feelings I may be currently experiencing. It makes me hostile and I find myself turning to food more and more often these past few days. While I can see that everything is fine, and will be fine, I have trouble really accepting that I have little control over what is happening in my life. Series of events have unfolded, words have been exchanged and have left me standing here wondering where the hell has all of this been my whole life and what is the point of all of it coming to a head as I have one foot out the door? It’s so much information, experience, and thoughts flooding my life all at once that I don’t know what to do with it all.
Writing has been next to impossible. While I want to capture every shared word, thought, and feeling, I can’t pin point one feeling or thought to focus on and write out. I think I’m unsure as to what I feel like because I don’t want to feel anything. I’ve stuffed it all down with edible items and sinking into my comfortable numb place where nothing exists but what’s in my mouth.
I am still spending a lot of time with my client which has been incredible. It’s given me the chance to see that even without Rob here, I can still stand on my own, be myself and accept the love this person has to give. He’s helped me along this path in ways I can’t articulate. I only wonder why he’s come into my life now, as I’m leaving.
I was feeling extra special insane when I went to see him the other night and for whatever reason I just so happened to look over at a shelf in his living room and saw the words “One day at a time.” spelled out across the front of the shelf. I’ve been in his living room many times and don’t remember seeing that before. I stared at those words like it was a damn message from God. If I could only remember that, and simply be…right now.
I keep reminding myself that I’m the one who chose this path. I know if I stay I’ll regret not ever leaving. I just don’t understand why now everything seems so bright and sparkly. I’m suddenly fascinated by the Marta trains that go back and forth across the street from the salon. I stare up at the sky and watch the sun shine through the leaves on the trees, making them sparkle. I drive through all the familiar streets, seeing things I don’t remember seeing or etching other little things into my mind hoping to sear their memory deep in my mind. There isn’t enough time, words or capacity it my head to absorb all that I’m surrounded with and remember it. I want to though, desperately. I feel that my writing won’t do all of it justice so I keep putting it off more and more until I’m stressed out that yeah, of course I’ll forget things if I don’t write them down.
My client called shortly after I got home this evening.
“How are you?” he asks.
“I’m, um, rather emotional today.”
“Wanna be emotional at my house?” I hear him smile.
“Yes sir, I do.”
Once I arrive we sit on the love seat out on his porch.
“So tell me, what’s in your head?” he asks while putting his arm around me.
I draw my knees up to my chest while resting my head on his shoulder. “I’m overwhelmed. Work is about to end, I still have so much left to do. I went to rent a truck to move in and burst into tears. I sent Kat an email asking for help. I know everything is fine and will be, it’s just I feel like everything is closing in on me.”
“It’s a big deal, what you’re doing. It’s exciting and scary, and you’re going to feel a lot of things. You’re doing something really hard to yourself. Not to mention the trauma you’ve already experienced.” he says quietly.
“Yeah. It’s been a hard year that’s for sure.” My eyes fill with tears as my head sinks to his chest but they don’t spill over my cheeks. “I chose this though. I’m choosing to do this.”
“Of course. There’s a reason for it and I think you’ll be a better, stronger person for doing so.”
I nod.
“I’m going to miss you though.” he says.
“Oh my goodness. I can’t even handle it. I’m going to miss you too.”
Again, why is it that all of this is happening all at once? What’s the point? I do understand there’s a reason but what is it? What am I supposed to be learning?