Each day for the past two weeks I’ve woken up and quickly thought “It’s
It’s hard to identify what it is I’m feeling upon waking up. I wasn’t really nervous but almost eager to get the day started so as not to feel any uncomfortable feelings. Maybe if I stay in motion, I won’t feel anything at all.
Pete’s roommate, Caryn made breakfast for all of us. It was so nice to enjoy one last morning with her and one last cup of coffee with Pete while sitting on his porch. When I’m in their house it’s as if I’m on vacation. Nothing else matters but what I’m doing at that exact moment. Being in my own home and all it’s disheveled madness sparks my anxiety and makes moving more real, so I’ve chosen to remain in my blissful land of coffee, long talks, and laughs sprinkled with kisses and sunshine sparkling through the huge trees that line their street.
“What do you have left to do today?” Pete asks.
“Hmm. Finish packing, and sell the car.” I reply. My mom’s co-worker is interested in purchasing it from me for her daughter. If not, it’s going to CarMax. I’m really not interested in taking a huge loss on it but if that’s what has to happen, then ok.
I’ve grown very attached to that little car. Sure it’s an inanimate object but I lusted after Toyota Celicas for years. All during my days as an assistant at Van Michael I would peek out the window sometimes and gaze out at the blue one that parked across the street everyday. Once I started making money as a stylist I finally bought my silver one.
My sweet little car has taken me everywhere without fail. It’s suffered two accidents but avoided many in the land of idiot driving. It’s carried some of my closest friends, heard some intimate conversations, and witnessed a kiss or two. It’s heard my loud singing, my incessant cussing at the dumbass in front of me and caught my tears when they fell.
Needless to say, the road hasn’t always been smooth. There have been incidents with the car’s possessed alarm, flat tires, pot holes and a few speeding tickets. My love never wavered though.
Months after making my last payment, I decided to move to Chicago and so the process of selling it began.
“Has she called you yet?” Pete sipped his coffee.
“Nope. If she wants it and I have to take it down to mom’s office, can you bring me back to Atlanta?”
“Yup. I’m going to school to take care of some things but just lemme know when you find something out.”
(Pete’s in law school)
I nod. We’re quiet for a moment looking at each other.
“Where will I see you off?” he asks.
“I hate this conversation already. My house I guess.” I reply.
“I’m really gonna miss you.” he says quietly.
“Don’t you start that! I’m going to miss you the most!” I laugh and run my fingers through the top of his hair. I cut it in my bathroom last night after midnight as we were cleaning up and packing.
“Nope! I’m gonna miss you the most!”
“I will!” I’m still laughing. We go back and forth until he kisses me.
“I gotta get moving.” I sigh.
“I know.”
He stands up and takes my hand, pulling me up. We walk inside and I get my things together. When I’m about to walk out neither of us move.
“Alright. So I’ll see you in a little bit.” I’m having a hard time looking him in the face.
“Yeah. Let me know about the car and either way, I’ll let you know about what time I’ll be done with school.”
“Deal.”
“So, uh, I’ll walk you out.”
I nod and he opens the door. I’m not sure when I’m coming home again. I never doubted my decision, I just didn’t know it was going to be this hard. He kisses me goodbye and I climb into my car. Once this ignition is started my head is spinning with the list of things I have to do before I leave. I decide to start with the bank.
As I leave Candler Park, my phone rings. It’s mom’s co-worker and she’s decided not to buy the car. CarMax it is. I text Pete and Kat. A few minutes later, Kat is calling.
“Hey darlin’! I pick up.
“Hey, where are you?”
“Going to the bank.”
“You still have the car right?”
“I do.”
“Ok, Gordon is going to call you in a bit. I think he wants to buy it.”
“What?!” I exclaim. (Gordon is Kat’s boyfriend)
“We just hate to see you take such a loss on it.”
“This… is amazing!”
“Yay! So he’ll call you soon, ok?”
We get off the phone and I’m relieved beyond comprehension. I get to the bank then home again.
As I race around, trying to get all the last minute crap done, I feel there is no air circulating through my lungs. Since Rob, I’ve become so familiar with that feeling and move faster to avoid the walls closing in around me. Maybe it’s time that’s closing in though and it just feels like walls.
Gordon calls and wants to test drive the car at 2:00pm. I get the truck packed and at this point I feel I’m pacing back and forth doing not much of anything. Pete calls and is on his way. Once he gets to my place I melt into his arms.
“So you’re all packed?” he asks.
“Yup.” I nod. We sit down on the stairs that lead up to my front door. “Gordon is going to test drive the car soon. He’s up the street.”
“Sounds good. Is he going to buy it?”
“Hope so.” I smile.
“I have no suggestions as to what to do right now. I just wanted to be with you before you left.”
“Same here. Why did you have to go and come in for a haircut and complicate things?” I laugh. “I was doing just fine until you came along!”
“I know. It was worth it though.”
“You’re right.”
“You want to get lunch?”
“Sure. Whatcha thinking?
“Hmm. How about Atkins Park?” he asks.
Atkins Park was one of Rob’s favorite places. I wasn’t sure if I’d go back before I left but here I am, holding hands with Pete up the street to the restaurant. I wait until we’re seated before telling him this.
“The day Rob died, I got off work before him and had a feeling he’d want to come here. I kept telling my dad that I was supposed to see him tonight…”
Pete takes my hand and we’re quiet. I stare out the window. It’s gray outside. Memories flood my head. Many days were spent walking up North Highland for the guy I assisted, going on coffee runs at a Starbucks, or getting lunch for us. Many Sunday mornings were spent at that same Starbucks with my computer, instant messaging friends, and working on my book, stopping occasionally to stare out the window. For six years I’ve watched the leave on the trees that line the side streets change colors, fall away and grow again.
Many nights were spent walking home after one too many Captain and Cokes with Kat at Limerick, endless talks and laughs were had over sushi and Thai food at Harry and Sons. There have been plenty of ups and downs and more to come but this part is coming to a close. The person I am now will not be the same one that returns to Atlanta, for visits or for something more permanent if the road goes that way. I’m both terrified and ecstatic.
“Don’t you start.” Pete warns me.
“What?” I look over at him.
“Crying. I see you over there.”
“I’m not gonna cry. What’s wrong with crying anyway?”
“If you cry, then I’ll cry.” he states.
“Is that such a bad thing?
“Men don’t cry. Sign of weakness.” he winks at me.
“I never understood that. If you gotta cry then cry.”
The food arrives and we’re quiet. I feel guilty for wanting everything to speed up. Let’s go ahead and rip the band-aid off so I can hurry on through the hurt of leaving I’m inevitably going to feel.
I check the time once our bellies are full. “Kat’s going to be home soon.” I look at Pete.
“Shall we then?” he holds his hand out to take mine.
“I guess.” I smile.
“Promise me we won’t lose touch.” he says once we’re outside.
“Deal, although you have to meet me half way on the keeping in touch route.”
He nods. “I told you though, I am bad about it.”
“And I told you I’m the opposite.”
We walk up the stairs to my house and I open the door. I had left my car key for Gordon and I’m assuming he’s still driving it around.
“Got something for you.” I walk over to the ironing board where I had a package wrapped for Pete. I hand it to him.
“Do I open it now?”
“If you want.”
He does and smiles immediately. “All my favorite things!” he laughs and pulls out the little card last. I watch him read it and keep the smile plastered on my face. I’m about to cry and don’t want to start it. He folds the card and carefully places it in the envelope. He wraps his arms around me and buries his face into my shoulder.
“I feel the same way.” his voice cracks into my skin, his tears soaking my shirt, and my own tears start. Basically, in the card, I told him how much it’s meant to me to have him in my life and how grateful I am for his unwavering kindness.
When we pull away we’re giggling and wiping our faces.
“Sooo… that card, um, I was going to write this, but thought I’d just tell you. For Easter, Rob gave me the box of cards (there is a ladybug on the front and the words “thank you” are written underneath the bug.) and I wrote one to my sponsor but never gave it to her. After he died I decided to keep the rest of them. And then you came along and I couldn’t help myself.”
The crying starts again.
“Pete, I love you darlin’.” the words come out of my mouth faster than I can think.
“I love you too. I wanted to tell you that but didn’t want to make it even harder.”
I nod.
“You’re going to do great things in Chicago. Be careful ok? Don’t walk around with your iPOD in your ears, and check the reflections in the buildings to make sure someone isn’t following you. If you feel like someone is, stop into a bar or crowded place. Um… I think that’s all the advice I have.”
“Thanks.” I kiss him.
Kat comes home and changes clothes. She and Gordon are walking back and forth as Pete and are still milling around.
“Melissa? Can you come over for a sec?” Gordon says from the other side of our duplex.
“Hey!” I turn the corner and follow him into the kitchen after grabbing the title to the car.
“Do you have the title to the car?”
“Right here!” I pull it out.
“Good. I’ve never done this before!”
“Neither have I.” I smile.
“OK, so it says for you to sign here.” he points to the line where it’s asking for the seller’s signature. I carefully sign my name. The car no longer belongs to me. He hands me an envelope.
“That ok?”
“Uh huh.” my eyes are wide. I need to find a bank. There’s no time. This should be interesting.
“I’ll miss you darling.” he hugs me and we both start to cry. “How long have I known you?”
“Seven years.” I whisper.
“Since Van Michael right?”
“Yup! You just started dating Kat.” I laugh.
“Melissa are you about ready?” Kat’s voice is behind me.
“I think so.” I wipe my face again. “Where’s Pete?”
“In the living room. I’m just going to get a couple more things and then we need to get going.”
“Ok.” I smile and walk back to my side of the house. Pete is on the couch. I curl up next to him and hold his hand.
“Sell your car?” he smiles.
“Sure did!”
We sit there until Kat peeks in. “You ready?” she exclaims.
“Yeah..” I smile, peeling my ass off the couch.
We all walk outside. Pete and I share longs hugs, lots of kisses and smiles. Kat shuts her door, I squeeze in one more kiss from Pete before saying “see you later!” because I don’t like saying “goodbye”. He and Gordon wave to us as Kat starts the ignition.
“Here we go!” she laughs.
“Yay!” I squeal and we both clap our hands, laughing.
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