Pancakes...

I am obsessed with chocolate chip pancakes. I’m not sure exactly when it started but I somehow discovered them and did a Google search for them in Atlanta. I found that Dakota Blue in Grant Park had them and I went with some friends on my 25th birthday before jumping out of a plane.
Since then, I’ve been back numerous times to relive the deliciousness all over again. I eventually invited Rob to join me in my delightful Sunday morning sugar high. He fell in love with something that wasn’t so sugar filled and soon we found ourselves going back again and again.
I haven’t been back since died. I think about it often, I just don’t go. I now have one Sunday left in Atlanta. I gotta have my pancakes one more time. I contemplate going alone…
Saturday was my last day of work. It was filled with amazing clients, wonderful conversations and fun haircuts. I carefully went through the motions of packing up my station. I was doing everything I could not to cry as I packed up my license and all my brushes. It’s like I had all these things to mark time with. Like when I decided to move, I had to wait until Monday to call Art+Science. That happened, then I had to tell Salonred and give a notice. The goal was November 8th. I had five weeks at that point. It’s now November 8th and I can’t believe my station is now empty. Time is moving at the speed of light and I just need it to slow down so I can catch my breath.
Not to mention, I’m still seeing my client. (Pete!) We don’t say much about this whole moving thing. We agree and say often that we’re going to miss each other but nothing else beyond that is said and the subject usually changes quickly.
Once I finish at work, I stop by Rob’s favorite sushi place one more time. I don’t know how I feel or how to articulate what’s in my head. This whole thing is becoming more and more real as each minute passes and I’m not sure I’m ready. Not that it matters because November 14th is coming whether I like it or not.
Pete calls later and I meet him at his place. I don’t have anything to say. He asks me about my day, and I try to explain but it’s requiring too much energy. He’s standing across from me at the kitchen counter when I find myself saying, “Do you want to come with me to get chocolate chip pancakes in the morning?”
“Sure! Where we going?”
“Dakota Blue in Grant Park. I gotta have them one more time!”
“Sounds good!” he walks over to me and stands behind me, wrapping his arms around my torso. He holds me there, neither of us saying anything. When he lets go he looks at me and says he’s got to get some sleep. I nod and follow him to his room.
Once in bed I warm my feet on his legs, trying to breathe deeply so as not to cry.
The sun is peeking through the blinds, waking me up. I look over at Pete trying to will him awake but that doesn’t work. I doze off and wake up several times before he gets up.
“Hi.” he smiles and hugs me.
“Hey.” I kiss his nose. “Still up for pancakes?”
“I am. May I make some coffee first?”
“Of course.”
I make the mistake of drinking two cups on an empty stomach. My hands began to shake a little. It’s amazing I was able to operate my car once we got going.
“Hey guys! Sit wherever you like!” the hostess tells us upon walking in.
“Where you wanna sit?” I look up at him.
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Over there?” I point to a table in a corner.
“Yup.”
Once seated we’re grinning at each other. I don’t look at the menu but watch him. When he’s figured out what he’s getting he looks up and around at the dark blue walls.
“I like this place. I didn’t know it was here.”
“Yeah, I used to drive by it when I’d meet my friend Les to go run.”
The server comes by and takes our order. Pete’s still smiling at me. I want to talk but don’t know what to say or how to start. I haven’t told him anything about coming here with Rob or even about skydiving. We eventually float in and out of conversation. The food arrives and he’s laughing at my excitement.
“So I was looking for chocolate chip pancakes one day in Atlanta and..” I started.
“You Googled them didn’t you?!” he exclaimed.
“I did!” I laugh. “I found this place had them and wanted to come for my 25th birthday. It was so much fun! I can’t believe I’m not going to get them again for a while. I couldn’t find any in Chicago.”
“I’m glad I got to be here to watch you eat them.” he smiles.
“Me too.” I nod.
We’re quiet again for a moment when I look up at him. “I feel like I have all this stuff I want to tell you about Rob and I don’t know how to say it. I want to ask you something and can’t find the words to form the question. I don’t know how to be with all this. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or anything.”
“Darlin’, you can say whatever it is you want to me.” he replies.
I sigh. I still don’t know, so I start talking in hopes I’ll make some sense.
“Rob and I came here a lot. I haven’t been back since he died.” I inhale, looking out the window at the orange and yellow leaves hanging off the trees, getting blown around by the wind. “I remember a month or so afterwards, his dad and I were talking about the places we’d go together and he said “I hope one day you’ll be able to take someone special to all the places you and Rob went to.” I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to think about it, but here you are.” I smile.
“Thank you.” Pete says quietly. “I’m glad you did and I got to share it with you.”
I nod. “I wasn’t sure whether or not I was going to do this by myself or not.”
“I’m glad you asked.”
“Me too.” I smile. “I still want to ask you something and I still can’t figure out what it is.”
“Hmm. Tell me about him then. What was he like?”
“He was a really really good person.” I reply, knowing that doesn’t scratch the surface. “He was so sweet to me.”
“What did he do?”
“He was a civil engineer. So damn smart. He was able to understand math and science perfectly but also had amazing English skills. I’ve never met anyone who did both so well.”
Pete’s hand unfolds and reaches for mine.
“See.” I say, placing my hand in his. “You do that. Just like he did.” My eyes fill with tears as I watch my ring sparkle in the sun shining through the window. “I know you’ve said before that you think you’re a hurdle for me. Your presence in my life is supposed to make it harder to leave but I feel like you’re helping me in a way. I’m so calm with you. It’s like everything is ok with you. Rob’s the only other person I’ve had that with.”
The tears were about to fall when he says “You wanna take a walk?”
I nod.
We walk out and along the sidewalk. Most of it is littered with colored leaves crunching beneath our feet. Pete’s still got a hold of my hand and I’m trying to catch my breath.
We turn the corner and he wraps his arm round my waist. I do the same to him as we continue.
“I’ve never liked someone as much as I like you.” he tells me. “I usually give myself to unavailable people.”
“Me too!” I laugh. “What is that?”
“Don’t know.”
We cross the street and walk into Grant Park. The trees are so beautiful, the grass is a perfect shade of green, the air is chilly but not cold and Pete is twirling me around before wrapping me up in a huge hug.
I look up and smile at him before he kisses me.
“Every time I’ve been this open with someone, I’ve gotten hurt.” he tells me.
“The last time I was this open with someone, he died.” I said quietly and dissolved in tears. I don’t try to stop it this time. Pete hangs on to me and says nothing. I somehow wonder if Rob sent him to me. He posses all my favorite things about Rob but is completely different. I somehow manage to start talking incessantly again. I say all this so as to explain myself in a way.
“I wanted to tell Rob everything always. There was this urgency I felt that I had to get it all out at that moment, no matter what. I did it because I was so afraid he was going to leave me once I moved to Chicago, even though he encouraged my decision to go. Two weeks after taking the job, he died. He left me. He wasn’t supposed to drive the Jeep…” I trail off and a fresh wave of tears start. Pete is quiet, rubbing my head and back.
“You’re still here.” he says. “You’re still here and you’re still living and going on, and he’s so proud of you. No matter what happens to us, where ever we are, where ever we go, I want you to know I am always here for you, for whatever you need.”
“Same here.” I say into his neck.
“It feels so good to be able to give you one hundred percent.” he says.
“Me too! What is that?” I laugh.
“I trust you!” we say at the same time and laugh.
“It feels good to give to someone who gives back.” I look up at him.
“It does. You’re going to be just fine. When you get to Chicago, you’ll finally see what everyone else already sees.”
I kiss him. This has got to be one of the most incredible moments I’ve ever had with another person. I can’t fully explain what it all feels like except that I wish I had a way of bottling it up and keeping it with me always to look back on and experience all over again. Between the clear sky, sparkly sun and changing leaves, plus this amazing conversation, I can’t see how it could get much better.
On our way back to the car, he takes my hand in his and smiles at me.
“Melissa, in five years, if we’re still single, lets get married and have some kids and a dog.”
I laugh. “I don’t want kids, but I’ll settle for the dog and maybe a cat.” When I look at him and his expression I laugh again and say, “OK. Kid. Maybe one, but nothing plural, and you’ll have to do a lot of sweet talkin’! Even then it’s not definite!”
He laughs and we head home to get the rest of our day going.