Julie and Julia...

I wake up in my bed next to Lucas the day after flying back into Chicago. He's in town from Atlanta for a couple of weeks before moving to Denver. He picked me up from O'hare when I landed. We went to dinner and out for drinks afterward. Our friendship is unlike anything I've had with anyone before. We don't talk much on a regular basis but when we do we're open books and share everything with each other. It's comfortable, easy and just what I need at the moment.
I'm quick to replace something once I "lose" it. Charlie's gone and I want love. I want it in every way I can have it. Hell I wanted it even when I was with him. Sat there waiting for just a drop of it to leave his being and fall on to me. I want to sink into another human living like a parasite until I'm full and fall away or they pull me off. Ok that's gross but you get the picture...
I'm awake before Lucas. His back is to me and I'm eyeing the curvature of his shoulder. "Stop it." I tell myself when my mind starts to wander. I'm not giving in. I don't need to "replace" anything. There was never anything to replace. I'm going to sit here and deal with it. I remind myself that God is giving me everything I need right now.
He rolls over and faces me, his blue eyes opening. "Hi."
"Mornin' sunshine."
"What time is it?"
"I don't wanna know." I reply sitting up and fumbling for my glasses. "Ten thirty?!" I squeal when I see the clock. I hate sleeping this late!
"Seriously?"
"Ugh." I flop backward onto my pillow.
"Breakfast?"
"Definitely."
An hour later after I've made us coffee and we're set to go we hop on the train and head to "Orange", a delicious little breakfast place that serves orange flavored coffee.
"This is awesome." he smiles at me after we've both downed our first cup.
Our conversation flows from one thing to the next like usual. I'm perfectly content, not wanting to rejoin society when he leaves.
"So, what's the point of your book? What's your protagonist learning?" he asks when the subject of writing comes up.
"How to be herself. How to stop being a doormat and go her own way, even if it's less than popular. She needs to figure out how to please herself and stop pleasing everyone else first. I'm having trouble though figuring out where to go with it. How far do I take certain things, how much do I disclose, what's good what's bad, etc..."
"I think you just need to write. Don't worry about anything or anyone. Just get it out."
"I think you're right but I'm still sketched out by where my brain can go. I judge my process so harshly and of course am scared of what people may think."
"Isn't that what you're protagonist is learning?" he grins. "Not to care?"
"You're right!" I laugh. "You're right I know. It's just hard when I've been a certain way all my life."
A few hours later Lucas is packed up and leaving. We quickly say goodbye and he too is gone almost as fast as he arrived. I feel jarred all the sudden. I push myself to change clothes, grab my gym stuff and get moving even though I'm going at a snail's pace. Once there I lift weights then swim for a while. Back and forth, back and forth, I go from one end to the pool to the other concentrating on spacing out my breathing, the pulling of my arms, stretching of my stomach and the kicking of my legs and feet. I do this until I can't anymore and get out.
Rob's mom let me borrow her copy of the movie "Julie and Julia" exclaiming that Julie is me and I need to see it immediately. Once home, I make dinner and set it up. I knew I wanted to watch it alone because more than likely, I'm going to cry. Not because it's sad or happy or anything but because I have a feeling it'll tap into something I've been scared of.
Oh and I cry. It's at the most random moments. I don't even think I could go back and identify these moments if I had to. This reminds me of watching Friday Night Lights with Kaci and feeling the need to cry. When I told her about this she explained that she feels it's because the show is so real.
I want what Julie accomplished. I feel like I just spent the evening with Rob and that he's "telling" me to get up off my ass and do this. I'd love to get my act together. Really I would. I love thinking about writing for a living. I love thinking about composing the pages, and telling my stories. I love to imagine my finished manuscript. I enjoy playing images in my head of being on the train and seeing someone reading my book. It's wonderful but it all lives in my head, never surfacing because surfacing means it's real and real can fail. Living in my little dream world is so much easier but accomplishes nothing. It's what's familiar though. Sitting in this is what I'm used to. I've never done anything different. It's a slow process this learning thing. I didn't get to this point overnight that's for sure. It took twenty eight years. I'm just now trying to turn all my critical, self doubting, negative thinking around. Sure this task is hard but I truly believe it'll so be worth it when it's all said and done. One day at a time...