Nothingness...

I'd been anticipating feeling a void inside of me once Charlie left for Wisconsin. I've spent more time with him that anyone since I moved to Chicago. Even since breaking up, we've still managed to spend the majority of the past three weeks together. Over the course of these three weeks his things have made their way into boxes, furniture has shifted and the living room is no longer "liveable". Most of our time has been spent having dinner and watching Californication until we went to sleep. There were days where he had me laughing hysterically and days where there wasn't anything but an empty nothingness hanging over us leaving me to wonder what the hell I was doing. There were times my insides screamed at me to get up and get out. Even in the middle of the night my body ached to crawl home but I didn't move. When I tried to speak the words wouldn't come. I've never run into a wall like this before. It's like we both were repelling each other in some weird way. Something inside me felt pushed away. I wanted sometimes desperately to place my face on his chest, to put my arms around him, to feel him wrap around me but there was nothing.
The day before he was set to move I sat on the edge of his stripped down bed, legs swinging off the edge like a five year olds.
"I don't like this Mr. Russell." I simply state.
"It's not like I'm going forever. There are still cars, trains, email, and snail mail..." he replies sitting next to me.
I know this. It's not his leaving that is the problem. It's the fact that I will officially have to deal with myself. Everything I've managed to bury during all this time we've spent together will come to the surface and I don't know what that will look like. The unknown is a scary place for me.
We're both quiet, staring out the window. I'm going to miss it with all it's wide open
exposure. It's everything I'm not right now but aspire to be. It reveals everything. On the other side of the glass I see every human on the street below us. I see the cars racing by on the interstate, and the twinkling lights spread out all over the city. I've been on this side of the glass for far too long, watching other people live their lives. I want my own. I want to be on the outside. I want to be on the street walking with a purpose. I want the wind to tear my face off, I want to hear the cars racing by, I want to see the twinkling lights that are in front of me, I want to feel something.
"I have to drop some boxes I didn't use off at UPS. You wanna come with me and I'll drop you off at home?" Charlie breaks the silence.
"Sure."
We're quiet on the way to the store. It doesn't take long to drop everything off and get back into the car. I'm back to staring out yet another window. When we're stopped at a traffic light something grabs my attention. It's a silver SUV doning a South Carolina license plate. I stare at it as if it's the most beautiful image my eyes have ever come across. A delicious calm washes over me as I'm reminded that Rob, in his own way is still here, and still looking after me and I am not to worry about a thing...and maybe...there won't be any void to fill once Charlie leaves. Maybe the void is already present and will fill itself once this part of my life is all said and done.
At my apartment, Charlie pulls over and we get out of the car. He walks me to the front door, quickly kisses me goodbye and is gone almost as fast as he was here.
I walk inside, put my keys on the table, and drop my purse on the chair that I always sit in when on the computer. I turn on my laptop, check email and decide to order sushi online, having it delivered to the apartment. It arrives an hour later, I eat it,enjoy it then read for a little while before falling into bed. I close my eyes trying to identify what I'm feeling. Nothing.