Shampoo,Blowdry, Repeat...

At 4:45am, my eyes are open wide, blinking at the ceiling. Last night comes at me faster than lightning and I can’t breathe again. I lay there, thinking about getting up. It would be in my best interest to go back to sleep but I can’t. I roll out of bed, still wanting air. My hands reach for my running clothes and toss them aside as I peel off my pajamas then pull on my favorite pants, sports bra and sweatshirt. I push my feet into my shoes, walk into the kitchen, grab my iPOD and keys and go outside.
The air I was desperately looking for fills my lungs as my feet pound the pavement. I am nothing and nowhere as I run down Milwaukee Ave. My head has nothing to focus on except the music playing in my ears and the direction I have to go in. I make it to Grand Ave, turn around and head back. I should go home but my legs take me across Division and further up Milwaukee Ave. I go my usual route, turning on to Damen and going for a while before realizing that I do have to work, and if I don’t head back I’m going to be scrambling to get there.
I try to write in a Starbucks with a grande soy latte once I get over to the Lincoln Park area. My head is drowning in a sea of thoughts and craziness. An hour later I’m shampooing for a stylist, remembering work is my little island away from my thoughts, and the life I carry on outside of the building. For eight hours I can rest in this escape and simply do what I know best. Shampoo, blow dry, repeat…
“Melissa?” Seven’s voice has a sternness to it as she approaches me. I’m standing at the sink, washing the color bowls.
“Yes love?” I smile. She met me for coffee earlier and discussed last night’s recent developments. She asked if I’ve cried yet to which I replied no, unsure of whether I would or not. We’ve currently been so busy working that we’ve barely spoken since.
“Do you know where we keep the cotton?” she asks through clenched teeth.
I look over her shoulder to see a woman standing in front of the mirror, her face inches from it, rubbing at her skin around her hairline with a paper towel.
“Um, I don’t but I will find some. What’s going on?”
“She’s insane. She can’t use a towel to get the color off her hair because it’s “dirty”.”
“Does she not think we wash them?” I giggle.
“I dunno, but I want it to be over. She thinks she needs cotton to get the stuff off.”
“I’ll be back.”
I race downstairs to the stylist’s floor and dig through all the spaces I think might be holding the cotton. Finally I have to ask my manager Patrick where it is.
“C’mere.” he says, stepping away from his client. I follow him to the basement. “What’s going on?”
“Oh Seven’s client is being crazy. She needs cotton to get the color off her skin.” I say to Patrick’s back as he examines the shelves that hold our extra product.
“Huh. I thought it was here.” he turns around. “There it is. How much do you need?”
“Who knows.” I laugh. I take a handful and we head back upstairs.
“Patrick?” I say as his foot steps on the first step. He turns to face me. “Can I share something with you?”
“Of course.”
This feels so awkward but I can’t help it, I want to tell him.
“Charlie and I broke up.” I exhale.
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Thanks. I just, I don’t know. I just wanted to tell you.”
“No problem. I’ll be around later if you want to talk.”
“I do.” I say before I can think.
“In a way I guess I should say congratulations. If it’s not working then well, it doesn’t do any good to stay in it.”
“You’re right.” I smile. We head upstairs and get back to our clients.
I race around the entire day, smile intact, eyes sparkly and slightly crazy, hands always in motion, with air being the elusive necessity. Nothing is worse than Rob dying. I remind myself. I can do loss. I’ve been doing loss. All of these feelings are familiar and nothing in comparison to what I’ve already been through.
Yet I still fear it. Still afraid of what might happen when the hurt catches my speedy little self, wraps it claws around my neck and squeezes.
No. I won’t be allowing that. I again, have to remind myself. It’s ok to be upset but I’m not sinking into it, it’s not going to steal my life. I will continue to move forward, and know there is something else to be learned, something else to be experienced and this is simply part of the process.
I find myself back in the basement again a little later. I’m not sure why. I glance at the computer and turn to go back up when suddenly I’m doubled over and tears are pouring out of my eyes. It hits hard and fast and I let it wash over me. I allow the tears to come knowing they won’t be back. Quickly, I let the thoughts pass through my mind. I won’t be going to Charlie’s after work, I won’t be making dinner with him again, no more mornings at Lovely with coffee and muffins. I’m no longer part of a “couple” but walking a new path all on my own. It’s ok. I’m ok.
I stand upright again once my crying has stopped. I wipe my face, inhale, exhale and head back upstairs.
“I know you’re not going to want to hear this right now but this breakup couldn’t have happened at a better time.” Patrick tells me after taking a sip of his beer. We’re seating across from each other at a little bar next to the salon. Work is done, and I’ll be heading home to get ready for Seven’s birthday action soon. “You’re going on the floor soon and will be able to focus all your energy into building your business.”
“You’re right.” I smile. I know I couldn’t handle Evanston if I were still in this relationship.
Rarely do I say anything but hello and goodbye to Patrick. Even when he’s cutting my hair I’m usually very quiet. I’ve gravitated toward him though since I started working at Art+Science. I’ve felt the need to share all sorts of things about Rob, work, and now Charlie with him but I haven’t let myself open up. The flood gates open up though and I vomit up all the insanity my head has been through these past nine months. I talk and talk and talk. He listens and allows me speak freely. I’m surprised at myself but so grateful for all of this. I’ve been silent for so long and now everything is pouring out of me faster than I can keep up with. I feel completely free…
At home, I’m dancing around my apartment, mascara wand in hand, haphazardly getting ready to meet up with everyone. Dressed in my favorite purple sleeveless top, and jeans, I’m searching for shoes, stopping to apply more make-up and contemplating what earrings I’m going to wear if any. I feel desperate to write, dance, sing express myself in any which way I can. I’ve contained all my thoughts and emotions for far too long and had no idea.
“Hi!” I squeal when I see Seven sitting among a group of people I’ve never met before.
“Hello love!” she stands, hugs me and introduces me to everyone. I sit next to her friend Kate and we start talking about work. She works for the salon I interviewed at before Art+Science. After hearing about her life there I am filled with gratitude once more to be right where I am.
“Melissa!!!” my co worker Candice yells upon approaching our table.
“Hi!” I exclaim, jumping up to hug her.
“You never come out!” she laughs.
“I know.” I lower my eyes knowing this will change and soon I’ll be more comfortable in social situations. I will no longer be preoccupied as to whether or not Charlie will want me. I want me and that’s enough. These people right here want to be with me and it’s more than enough.
“Let me buy you a drink!” she smiles.
Here we go…
I maintain a perfect buzz all night, never having too much but over the course of the night, yeah, it was more than I anticipated having. I talk and listen to everyone, meeting new people, hearing new stories. We go to another place where we’re dancing around and being silly. I’m still a little afraid to completely let go of myself and get really into dancing but I’m still happy.
Later I find myself in the car with Candice and another co-worker Gianna. We’re off to “Underdog” for veggie dogs and fries. This is one of those places you only go to after some drinks and after midnight. Of course the place is packed. Of course some wasted guy makes some lewd comment in our direction but we’re in and out fairly quickly with three veggie dogs and fries. Gianna takes me home where I sink into the unhealthy deliciousness and fall into bed.