Birthday!!!

My eyes opened this morning and immediately a smile spread across my face. It’s my birthday!!! I hop out of bed and go through my usual routine of breakfast and coffee at Inman Perk. My friend Tom appears out of no where while I was writing and staring out the window. He sits to chat before heading out to work.
“Where have you been?” he exclaims.
“Where have you been?!” I laugh. “I’ve been right here.”
“You have not, I haven’t seen you in a week!”
“Ah, you’re right, I’ve been going to San Fran coffee this week.” I smile.
We talk about my birthday, Sweden, Chicago, his work and travels before he has to go.
“I’ll call you when I get back in town.” he smiles before leaving.
“Deal!”
“Have a great birthday! Don’t get into too much trouble.”
“Trouble? Me? Never!” I laugh and hug him.
I get back to staring out the window, watching the rain fall. It hasn’t rained in a while. It’s not going to rain again this week and I wonder what this means. Why is it raining on my birthday?
I’m trying to identify my feelings. It’s the most bittersweet birthday I’ve ever had. I took the day off, I get to see my friends and co-workers tonight, I can’t wait to see Marian for a massage this afternoon, but nothing is fixing what’s in my head. I am aging and Rob will always be twenty six. While I’m always happy on my birthday I do allow some time for listening to Rob’s favorite song and tears.
I get my nails done, stop at a cute shop that sells cupcakes and get one before heading off to see Marian.
“Happy Birthday!” she squeals from her porch as I get out of my car.
“Thank you!” I walk up to her and hug her.
“How are you feeling?”
I shrugged. “Good, I just miss Rob extra today, if that’s even possible.”
“I understand.” she nods. “Come on back.”
I exhale once I’m on the table and she starts working. I’m there for ninety glorious minutes. Sixty of which we talk through. She tells me of her mother in-law’s amazing positive attitude and how Marian aspires to be like her. I aspire to be like Marian. Her bright sweetness is inspiring.
“You’re going to do great in Chicago, I know it!” she exclaims once she’s done and I’m dressed.
“I feel that way.” I smile. “I can’t explain it, but I feel like everything will be ok.”
“Absolutely! Enjoy the rest of your day, and I’ll see you soon!”
I leave feeling like a million dollars and drive to the salon. My co-worker and I are going shopping.
“Happy Birthday!” Matthew exclaims when I walk in.
“Thank you!” I hug him hard.
More hugs follow by assistants passing by. My co-worker finishes sweeping up his station and wraps me up in a huge hug.
“Happy Birthday.” he smiles.
“Thank you.” My perma-grin isn’t going anywhere.
“How’s your day so far?”
“Fabulous! I saw Marian a few minutes ago.”
“Nice! Are you ready?”
I nod, and we head out and over to Little Five Points. I want yet another pair of jeans I saw a while back. I’m giddy and full of energy racing around the store talking to the sales people and trying things on. I find a pair of jeans I like in no time, and we’re off again.
“It’s so gross outside.” he says once we’re in the car.
“I know!”
“What do you want to do now?” he starts the ignition.
“Hmm. I’d like to sit outside somewhere or go to the park but the sky is going to open up again at any moment.”
“Yeah… I was thinking the same thing.”
“Let’s just go back to my house for a little bit.”
“OK.”
A little bit turns into hours. We talk and talk and talk until we decide to go out back to my screened in porch and talk some more. The sun peeks out a little and I’m staring at the tops of the trees.
“What’s going through your mind?” he asks.
I shake my head. “Um… I’ve had a great day. Seriously, and I can’t wait to see everyone tonight, it’s just I really really miss Rob. I’m twenty seven today and he’ll always be twenty six.”
“I never looked at it that way before.”
“It’s weird. I used to think about our birthdays after we started our relationship and what they would be like and what we’d do. His is two weeks after mine. I never imagined this.”
We’re quiet until we remember the time. We’re meeting a few people early and I haven’t gotten ready yet.
“Oops.” I look at the clock. I have thirty minutes to look human. I usually like an hour. “I’ll be fast!” I exclaim, taking off.
I quickly shower, get dressed, do my face and hair and we’re off.
“You alright?” I ask him while he’s driving. We’re going to Apres Diem. My favorite restaurant.
He nods. “You?”
“Yup.”
We’re both nervous in social situations. I can’t wait to see everyone but I worry too much about people having a good time and everything.
“Way to be on time guys!” Maryann smiles at us from the table she and Timothy are sitting at. Her sarcasm is quite evident.
“We’re on hairdresser time!” I laughed, leaning down to hug her. We are a bit late. I walk over and hug Timothy while my co-worker sits next to Maryann. Pretty soon everyone starts to arrive. Our server moves us inside to our reserved tables in the lounge. I am ecstatic to see everyone, bouncing from chair to chair chatting away. Any sort of anxiety that was once present is now gone and for a moment, I forget my grief.
Dinner is delicious. People come and go and eventually there are a few of us left talking about what the plan is going to be next. Everyone is looking at me.
“MJQ?” I grin.
“Let’s go!” Matthew pipes up.
We all get up and walk out to the parking lot agreeing to just meet over there.
“Are you having a good night?” my co-worker asks as he parks on the street next to the club.
“I am.” I smile. “You?”
“Oh yeah. It’s good to be out.”
We get out of the car. I put my purse in his trunk and we meet up with everyone and head in.
It’s chilly inside and the dance floor is quiet. We’re all sitting against the wall, talking and looking curiously at the huge black man asleep on the bench across from us. (never a dull moment.) Eventually things get moving and I’m up and on the dance floor. Misti goes with me along with a friend of hers. We dance and dance until the music gets weird and we meet the boys back against the wall and talk until something good starts playing again and we’re back on the floor. This continues most of the night. I danced with Misti, alone and at some point was getting spun around by a short Mexican that I presumed to be gay. When that got weird I was off to find the boys again.
“How are you?” I plop down next to my co-worker.
“Good.” he nods.
“Dance with me!” I exclaim.
“Nope.” he shook his head. He doesn’t dance. Ever. Doesn’t stop me from trying.
“Do it! Don’t make me pull the birthday card!” I laugh, knowing this is hopeless.
“No! You can’t pull the birthday card!”
“I can! It’s my birthday! Come on!”
“Maybe. If a good song comes on.” he replies. I know this is a no and I go back out.
Later, Misti is sucked into a one-sided conversation with a guy that looks maybe eighteen. He wants to take her fishing. We’re back at the spot we originally parked ourselves against the wall. I don’t know where my co-worker is and it’s probably getting late. Just a little more dancing…
I don’t remember the song that was playing when I went back out to dance. I don’t remember seeing Misti, but knew she wasn’t far away. A rush of uncomfortable, inescapable feelings flooded my head. It all hit so hard and so fast that I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to wish them away. I suddenly found myself wanting to run until my legs fell off, drink until my liver corroded, and eat until my stomach exploded. My rational side quickly came to the rescue and reminded me what I was doing and to stop entertaining such ideas. I found myself walking back to find my co-worker. Misti wasn’t far behind me.
“Are you ready?” he asks once I sit next to him.
I nod.
We all get up and head out, quickly saying goodbye and heading to our cars. He starts the ignition and presses the gas. I find myself staring at the dashboard but not really seeing it.
“What’s going through your mind?” he asks.
I shake my head. “I need to cry. I can’t and it’s uncomfortable.”
“Are you ok? Did you not have a good time?”
“Oh I did!” I perk up. “I did. I don’t know what this is. I’m overwhelmed.”
He pulls into my driveway, turns off the car and looks at me. I don’t want him to go. I don’t want to be alone. “Just say it.” I tell myself. “Just tell him. Ask him to stay.” I don’t though. He’s got his own thing going on right now and I don’t want to cross any boundaries.
“Give me a hug.” he says and reaches for me. I squeeze him hard.
“I need to get my purse out of your trunk.” I remind him.
“Oh yeah.” We both open our doors and walk to the back of the car.
“There you are.” he hands it to me.
“Thanks.” I nod.
“I’ll see you Friday.” he says, hugging me again and kissing my cheek.
“Deal.” I smile.
I hear him get into the car and start the ignition again as I walk through my front door. Kat and Gordon had set presents on my couch. I open a box from them and pull out soft gray gloves that are perfect for Chicago. They are a pair I had wanted but never said anything about. It’s then that the tears come. I’m leaving and it’s not something I want to think about at the moment. I look at the time. It’s after two in the morning. It’s October ninth. The sparkliness of my birthday is gone, and I’ll be back to work tomorrow. I finish unwrapping the rest of the box, smiling at the hat, scarf and book that are tucked away inside.
Next I pick up a card made by Jhoni. Her words are so unbelievably kind that I dissolve yet again. She made me a pair of earrings, making me smile through the messiness of my tears. I slowly, carefully, unwrap everything else smiling though the still endless tears, then walk to the bathroom where I start a hot shower. I smell like bar and don’t want to take that to bed with me.
Once I’m in bed and thinking I’m sane enough to fall asleep, I’m crying again. I feel completely alone at the moment and nuts for thinking that being I just spent the whole night with fabulous people. I desperately want my co-worker next to me. I don’t really want to talk because I can’t find the words but just knowing someone was there would be most comforting. Needless to say sleep doesn’t come easily…