Raw...

I had too much caffeine this morning. I raced around the salon like a maniac trying to hurry up and finish whatever it was I was working on just to sit still for a moment. Once I had the moment to sit still I wanted hair to play in.
I barely spoke to my co-workers today, didn’t take my lunch, and kept on working. While the blades of my shears flying through my client’s wet hair I wonder just what it is I’m rushing for. I can’t speed the time up, can’t make it stay still so what is it?
I guess I’m wanting a distraction from my meandering thoughts. Usually talking to my clients pulls me out but not today. Everyone wants to talk about Chicago, wanting to know why I’m leaving, where I’m going and what I’ll be doing, living, etc… Explaining the exact same thing over and over again is wearing on me. I don’t have a lot of answers to everyone’s questions just yet and some of it, I’m not willing to share. Chicago is for me. I’m going to meet the person I’ll become once I get there. I’m not running from anything, not hiding from anything. It’ll be a place to exist in where for a while, no one will know my name or my story. I can share it if I want but it won’t feel like it’s posted on my forehead like it does now. I’m hoping to be able to make more sense of things once I leave. Until then…
I still feel completely exposed and raw. I can’t sit still and when I do, I’m unable to quiet my head. It keeps me from writing, from concentrating, from packing, from doing anything productive. Instead I focus on what I want, or what I think I want. It’s a temporary fix. Just a little instant gratification.
I see myself wanting your attention, climbing over myself to try and reach it. It will do nothing for me in the end, but right now, in this moment, I want to consume you. You’ll have none of me which amplifies my wanting. I’m embarrassed at myself for wanting anything. Embarrassed to see myself vying with outside circumstances for your time, because time spent with you is time not spent wanting to eat or drink, or anything else. Nothing else is present but the current moment and when you go, everything all comes rushing back again.
Work ends and I go for a run. All the way to downtown and back my feet carry me, my mind trying to work itself out. When I get home, I start the shower and go back to my room and get undressed. I look down at my bare feet. There is a mark on the hardwood floor of my bedroom under my right foot. A memory of me and Rob laughing one night sucker-punches me in the stomach. I want to vomit. Instead I walk into the shower, and under the hot spray of water and dissolve into tears feeling completely depleted and empty. Still though, I am unable to fully communicate what’s in my head at the moment. I want to be kissed, touched, loved and lost completely in an endless release. I desperately want to open my eyes and see Rob in front of me, as if this was all a really really bad dream. I want him to wrap me up in his arms, smile and kiss me and ask me what I’m crying for because he’s right here and everything is ok.
When I do open my eyes, it’s the water that’s in front of me and I’m still alone. I finish up, turn the water off, dry off and pull on one of Rob’s shirts. I dry my hair, looking at his shirt that hangs off of one of my shoulders while I’m maneuvering the dryer, wishing it wasn’t on me, but on him. I feel I shouldn’t waste time wishing for impossible things but I’m still having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that he was once here and now he’s not.