Six Months...

It’s Monday, October 20th and Rob has been gone six months. The days following his funeral were spent wondering what my life was going to be like now without him and what I was going to do about it. I wondered how I’d feel in a month, in three months, six months and so on.
I expected some things to happen and others have come completely out of left field. Some good, some not so good but learning experiences nonetheless. I’m not entirely sure how to put this, or explain it but when he was here, Rob unwrapped this part of me that I kept hidden from the world. I was too afraid to be open, to share things, to even feel things. I somehow felt I wasn’t entitled to those things. I became a master at adapting to whatever situation or personality I was around at the time. I spent so much time trying to “control” myself that I managed to develop an eating disorder not realizing that it’s ok to let go and lighten up. He brought me out of my head and helped me to see that it was ok to simply be myself, that people aren’t as judgmental as I seem to have believed. He helped me relax when I was losing my mind over things, always pulling me into a warm hug, or taking my hand and saying “I’m here for you. It’s ok. Everything is ok.”
Somehow in his death, I believed this more fiercely than I did when he was here. When he died, it was the outpouring of unexpected love from the people still here that flooded in and filled me up in a such a way I’ll never be able to repay that has held me upright and kept me going. That and I don’t want to disappoint him. Even with him not here, I want to live my life in honor of him, taking better care of myself, and giving all the love I can to the people in my life.
It was Sunday, the 19th that was much harder than today. I guess it’s because he died on a Sunday that looked like this one, with bright blue skies and sunshine. I didn’t want to be at work. The day and just being in the salon reminded me so much of that day. I hid in the office in between clients. The door opened an hour after I’d been there and it made me jump. I had been staring at the computer screen.
“Hey.” my co-worker’s gingerly walks in and sits down in front of me.
“Hi.” I smile.
“How are you?”
I shrugged. “Ok, I guess. Rob’s been gone six months now and I’m having a hard time today.”
“Are you serious? Six months. Wow.”
I nod.
“Are you still up for hanging out tonight?” he asks.
“I am.”
“Good. We’re gonna have a good time, ok?”
“We will!” I laugh.
He gets up to get back to his client and I go back to my thoughts. I don’t even know if I can fake a good time tonight.
My work day ends before his and I go for a run. It feels good to move and listen to music. Once I’m showered and dressed I feel better and ready to spend time with him. When he comes over we walk up to the restaurant and sit outside. We’re the only people on the patio and a cool breeze is floating by. We immediately delve into our usual heavy discussions, debating back and forth over sushi about various experiences and views we have about anything and everything. The subject turns to Rob and he asks how I’m feeling.
“Ok.” I nod. “I definitely feel better than I did this morning.”
“Good. What do you think he’s doing right now?” he asks.
“I don’t know.” I smile. “Maybe sitting with us.”
He smiles and says “You know he’s going to always be in your heart. No matter what. No one can take that away from you. He’s always going to be there.”
I nod, willing myself not to cry.
“Do you know how strong you are? I don’t know what I’d do if I were in your situation.”
“Everyone says that and I don’t see it that way. You don’t know how you’ll react when something like this happens.”
Sometimes I feel strong other times I don’t, but what does that mean anyway? I don’t see it as being strong or weak but more like life or death. I could have let myself float away into oblivion, drowning in vices, not caring about anything anymore or I could live. Really live. Really open up, experience things, and feel things. I know I’d disappoint Rob if I wasn’t true to myself, following my gut and taking everything one step at a time.
“I hope that if I ever have a daughter, she’s just like you. You’re amazing.” my co-worker’s words have taken my breath away. He doesn’t know what that statement means to me. He doesn’t know I’ve spent a good portion of myself feeling wrong, bad, and incompetent. He has no idea how hard I’m working to reverse those feelings and his words remind me to keep going. I can now see that to earn the respect I want, I have to be honest, make my own way, live my own life, be an individual and damn proud of it. Everything else will follow.
I do wish Rob were here for me to thank him in person for the gifts he gave me without even realizing it. Until I see him again, I will continue to do the best I can with what he gave me and live the best life I can live.