The Grieving Ladybug...

Work today is much calmer than yesterday. Thank God. Yesterday, even though it was tough, I made this old lady’s curling iron set my bitch, told a crazy chick that no, I was not cutting her bangs because the first thing she said to me when she sat in my chair was “Don’t touch my bangs.” and made some picky college girls happy with several long layered haircuts.
Today though, everyone was calm, including me. No one really had instructions for their hair, they just wanted it to look better. This frees my brain up to have it move as it wants, creating what I want within the boundaries that have been set upon meeting these people, such as “don’t cut it too short but I don’t mind a lot of layers” and the like.
I start feeling a little weird about my blog all the sudden after a few haircuts. My mind wanders to the Facebook friend request that I got from Jeff the day after we met. The link is attached to Facebook. Hmmm…I text him.
“Love, have you read any of my blog?”
He texts back, “Some of it. Not as much as I’d like to. I like the way you write. Do you mind?”
“Nope.” It’s not that I mind, I’m just nervous.
“I’ve read up to “Heart Shaped Cloud.” he texts.
I get online and log on to the blog, looking to see what he knows already. I was thinking about telling him about OA tonight. I’m starting to feel a little weird about food and feel that I need to explain, plus I want to share about my Wednesday night “mystery” plans. I scroll through the entries leading up to “Heart Shaped Cloud” and see that he does in fact know about OA. Oh damn. I wasn’t entirely expecting that.
“Hmmm. That’s the tough part.” a friend tells me when I unload all of this blog/OA mess on her. “You never know how they’re going to react. That’s their deal though. I know it’s tough. You just gotta do it, just gotta say it. Besides, he already knows and hasn’t gone running for the hills yet. I think you’re ok.”
I exhale. I think she’s right. It’s just the anticipation of talking about this that puts me on edge.
Work ends. I meet Jeff at the Belmont red line stop. Today is Valentine’s Day. We go to a Mexican place not far from the train. It’s not crazy but still busy. We’re seated next to a huge window.
After ordering I’m trying to figure out how to bring up this OA thing. He practically does it for me though when he mentions my blog again admitting to reading it on his breaks at work.
“So you’ve read up to Heart Shaped Cloud right?” I ask.
“Oh I’m done with 2008.” he grins.
I laugh and tell him I’m asking because I wanted to tell him some stuff and was curious as to how much he’s read.
“I started with your most recent one. “Closer” I think it is? Then decided to start at the beginning.”
“How long have you been reading it?” I ask.
“Since we became Facebook friends.”
Oh my.
“So I knew about Rob and everything.” he says.
I nod. “I realize my blog is very much public and it’s attached to my Facebook account but I was still taken aback when I saw what you’ve read so far.”
He laughs and I feel my skin heat up.
“So…you’ve already read about what I wanted to tell you.” I stare at the wall avoiding eye contact. “I can’t keep saying “Oh I have this “thing” to do every Wednesday night without eventually explaining it. I have a compulsive eating disorder.”
He nods. I exhale. “Substance Abuse?” he quotes the title of one of my blog entries.
“Yup.”
I go on to tell him about some of the people I’ve met here through OA, my experience with Charlie, and about some co-workers I’ve opened up to.
He listens until I’m quiet and asks if giving me cupcakes and candy if off limits.
“Yup.” Of course I want to eat all of it but know better.
Back at my apartment we’re cuddled up on my bed and I’m listening to him tell me things about his life. I devour his words, grateful for his ability to open up, his expression of his feelings and relaying of past events. This leads me to open up more to him. It’s scary but words leave my mouth, relaying more heavy stuff, and he hears them.
“You’ve been through a lot.” he says quietly.
I nod, not knowing what to do next.
“You’re a really strong person.”
I still feel really broken after all the crazy that’s happened. I hope I haven’t scared him…