I took off my coat, changed my shoes and set up my station. My first one cancelled so I decided to work on my IL/GA State Board issue. I’m trying to get an Illinois license being the state reciprocates with Georgia instead of taking the exam again but it’s looking like I’m going to have to take the exam and I’m not a happy camper.
A new piece of paper on our break room wall catches my eye. There is a salon meeting on Feb 10th. Rage boils under my skin. Calm down. I tell myself. It’s only a couple of hours…
I want to be alone that day. I’m not accepting of it. I don’t want to see that it’s been two years since I met Rob, that I’ve lived two years without him, and that I am being reminded yet again that he’s not here. I am jealous still of my parents celebrating their anniversary. I hate having these feelings. I hate admitting it. I hate that my emotions are all over the place and are out of my control. I glare at the paper, trying to find a way out, wanting to go to Wicker Park’s meeting on the 11th. Hmm.
“Hey Melissa. How you feeling?” Shana, an assistant, asks me as she walks into the break room and sits across from me. I feel myself wanting to be honest so instead of the obligatory answer that consists of “Good!” before walking away I tell her I’m a bit stressed.
“What’s going on?”
“Well, there this state board crap…” I begin, telling her a little about that before launching into Rob and this meeting action. “ I don’t want to do it! I want to be alone!“ I exclaim. “I feel like I need to tell Jeff about all of this. Soon.” I’m trying not to cry, embarrassed at my outburst. “I don’t know how though. I don’t know how to bring it up.” I was seriously hoping to wait on unleashing all of this on him but it just so happens we met at about this time and I feel I’m going to need to explain my erratic moods and emotions.
“Just go to Wicker Park’s or Halsted’s meeting. I’m sure they’ll understand.” Shana tells me. “And with Jeff, just tell him what’s going on. Sometimes you’ve gotta give into the word vomit and let it all out.”
“When will it not be in the forefront of my mind? I don’t even know if I want that really. I have so much trouble just feeling anything. I judge myself so harshly.” I explain.
“It doesn’t get better. I just get’s a point where it sit in your heart a little more. The sadness is always there.” She says quietly then tells me her dad died on his birthday 12 years ago. It feels so good to talk to someone who “gets” it, who isn’t going to tell me to get over it, or shy away from me or my words. “This is part of who you are now.” she reminds me. “It’s ok to share it.
I never looked at it that way before. I’m ok with Rob while he was alive being a part of my life but his death being a current part of it? I don’t do too well with that. I want to carve that part out and forget that it ever happened.
“It takes a ton of time.” Shana says and I nod believing her but not wanting to…
Back to work…
I enjoy my clients. I’m trying to be as present as possible. Jeff and I text each other through out the day. He’s my breath of fresh air. When I finish my last client I get on the train home feeling beaten down but have found enough energy to write for a while. Before turning off the computer a couple of hours later, and climbing into bed, I remember that Jeff told me yesterday that he like hearing me talk. No one has ever said that before. I feel self conscious when talking about myself and about the fact that I almost need to. It’s a release for me, but I’m scared of it though. It’s so much easier to hold it all in. I quickly send him an email before heading to bed, thanking him for his comment.
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