Push...

It’s…so….early…Jeff and I are both up and dressed, and stumbling around trying to get ready for work.
“How old are we?” he smiles.
“I know…” I laugh. Neither of us will bounce back as quickly as our 22 year old selves. I’m planning on crashing, shears in hand at 3:30pm. Right now, I feel pretty good.
I take the bus to the red line, then to the purple line all the way to Evanston. I’m nodding off like a narcoleptic on heroin trying desperately to stay awake long enough to get off at the right stop.
Oh work…good day, mildly irritating but everything went well despite my bumbling around in search of caffeine wishing I could sleep with my eyes open. Jeff and I text each other all day. He offers to come to Evanston to give me a shoulder to sleep on for the ride home. I want to curl up with some good food from the Chicago Diner, preferably with him before I pass out on him. I ask and he agrees, meeting me at the salon as I finish up.
We chat on the train all the way to the Diner. I’m still mildly irritated and am sure it’s from the lack of sleep and the long work day. I’m happy listening to him but feel I can’t contribute much.
There is lots of grinning and giggling over dinner. I feel my toes curling in my boots and I try to relax. I feel he can see into my soul and that’s a wee bit scary being I don’t think I’ve even seen what‘s in that place. I realize the curling of my toes is some sort of distraction to keep myself from being 100% present. I’ve done this for as long as I can remember. If it’s not my toes, it’s something else like playing with my hair, readjusting myself constantly in my chair, or reaching out to tickle him. I do it to break the intensity of the situation. I never want to sit still too long out of fear he might actually see me. Then what? He runs? Why would he? I don’t know. I’ve never really let anyone in. It feels too scary but I don’t know why or where I learned that it wasn’t ok to be myself. Last time I attempted it God decided he needed the boy with Him more than I did as I knew him here on earth.
Jeff delivers all sorts of sweetness. He tells me how pretty he thinks I am, he holds my hands and wants to share cake with me instead of asking “Are you going to eat that?” before discussing the substance’s caloric content. I want this delightful lovin‘. I do. I want to soak up all his kindness and sink into it but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to be still and allow myself to walk through life with a healthy available person who wants to spend time getting to know me.
What I do know is how to push away. A teeny little sliver of me is wanting just that. I can see it, feel it and I’m trying to kill it before it takes over and ruins any opportunity at something wonderful. If I don’t change now, if I don’t learn to open up, to accept the love another human being is willing to give I’ll never have a solid relationship. It’s so hard though to give all of myself when I can’t anticipate the outcome. I can’t see into the future which makes this unknown daunting. I look at work and how I knew assisting would be temporary. The goal was to learn through assisting and class then become a stylist again. I would have to complete a series of tasks to get there and I did. With a relationship, I only see a beginning. The unknown is what drives me insane.
What kind of sense does that even make though? Why am I not ok with sharing my life, my thoughts, and emotions? What and or who am I saving them for?
After dinner we head to my place. I listen to him tell me about his most recent ex girlfriend. This reminds me of Rob talking about his ex, Ginger. I don’t mind it. I’m surprised that I don’t mind it. I almost need it. I want to know every inch of him, his life, his thoughts, his wants, likes and dislikes.
I enjoy the tone of his voice, the feeling of his skin beneath my fingers and the blanket of comfort I feel in his presence. I feel like a delicate slice of cake that he’s carefully turning over and examining before consuming it with the utmost care. This I allow myself to open up to and feel to it’s entirety simply because I’ve craved it in a way I can’t explain.
Our chatting is sprinkled with kisses until we start to lose focus and fall asleep…