Smattering of Ramblings...

It’s February tenth again. I’m off from work and trying to get comfortable. Nothing will ease my mind. Caffeine certainly isn’t helping. I want to go through my usual routine of running, the gym, coffee and writing but I’m unsettled. Nothing is interesting or feels worth doing today.
I try to write in my journal, try to write Jeff a letter but nothing is really coming out. I’m frustrated because I have the time to do whatever, to write and or say whatever and I can’t seem to get to a place where that’s possible.
Anger keeps everything in. It always does. I keeps me from expressing anything. It’s my “go-to” emotion. It’s the one that blankets everything else. I don’t know how to move past it.
I go to OA. It’s one of the only places where I can be wide open, totally honest and without fear. Sure I’m scared of what might come out of my mouth but I know it’ll be met with love. It feels safe to be here within these four walls. Not so much in the outside world. I actually wasn’t so much interested in going to a meeting. It’s cold, wet and gross outside. I went so I could express myself. It’s the only place I feel I can besides here or on paper and even then that’s questionable.
The tears come right after saying the obligatory “Hi, I’m Melissa and I’m a compulsive overeater.” I explain that I met Rob today, that he died in April and it’s all really tough. I talk about my gratitude for Jeff, how I feel so lucky to have him in my life, but I don’t know how to let him in. I don’t know how to tell him that I go to 12 Step meetings on top of all of my feelings of grief over Rob. Right now, I just say “I have plans tonight.” Eventually I believe that he’ll pick up on the pattern that I have these “plans” every Wed at the same time and start asking questions.
Of course like Rob, OA is a part of my life. I may not like it. I hate it in fact. I hate that I have to go to a support group because I manage my emotions with a substance but at least I have a place to go. I’m trying to see that with having Jeff in my life regardless of where it may go or what might happen, or how each of us may feel, I am to learn to open up, trust someone who is clearly there for me. I try to remind myself that it’s ok to let him in. With Rob I felt I should let him in, I felt I had to because somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I wouldn’t get the opportunity again. With Jeff it’s I have to simply because I can. If he runs away, it’s his choice, but for me, I feel it most important to figure out how to be myself when with someone.
It’s not really Rob I need to talk about but his absence and what that means for me. I don’t even know what that is. I know it means I get really angry but am never able to really pinpoint why. I know I get insanely sad and I know I don’t know how to talk or express any of it. It’s not like my thought process goes “I wish Rob were here.” then that’s followed with me getting angry because he’s not. It’s these anniversaries that I don’t know what to do with. It’s not like I can celebrate with him the day that we met. I feel lost, aimlessly meandering looking for comfort, knowing that this awkwardness will pass but in the meantime it blows…