Kisses...

I can’t remember where I was when I heard the tail end of Matt Nathanson’s “Come on Get Higher”, but I knew I was in love with the song. I thought I’d remember to download it, to hear it to it entirety but I forgot. Rob was still alive then and the song made me think of him.
I heard it today, again, the tail end of it and remembered to download it while at Inman Perk. As soon as I could leave, I was back home, transferring the song to my iPOD. I quickly changed into my running clothes and raced outside, pounding the pavement that lined N. Highland. Matt’s voice reverberated in my ears as I approached Freedom Park. The smell of fresh cut grass filled my head and made me smile. The melody, his sweet voice and the lyrics picked me up and took me to delicious memories of Rob’s kisses.
I thought about the first kiss, which happened after our first dinner together as he unlocked the passenger door of his Explorer. For whatever reason I was hanging on to his fourth finger of his right hand shaking it when he turned away from the door and kissed me. The air was clear and the temperature was perfect. The butterflies in my stomach woke up as his tongue pushed into mine. When we stopped, he smiled at me and asked me to get into the car. I could barely move.
I hate to admit the last kiss was, on my end, half hearted as I was angry he was leaving but at the same time, grateful he was standing in front of me in his jeans and blue t-shirt, his red bag thrown over his shoulder. He told me he loved me, I returned the I love you and we kissed.
I loved his mouth. His smile lit me up in a way I’ll never be able to put words to. The first kisses of every weekend, shared as I opened the door and stood before him, held me in a perfect moment as I felt all my stress and madness melt away. My mouth took up residence on his bottom lip, barely letting him get in the door before wanting to devour him. I could swallow him whole.
It makes me crazy to know I won’t get that with him again. I’ll never be wrapped up in his arms, feeling the thick heaviness of his tongue against mine, his hands rubbing my back and sometimes my hair. I’ll never open my eyes and meet his, inches from my face. That wonderful feeling of being loved, taken care of, and safe with him will never flood my chest again.
What’s replaced it is this lovely burning emptiness in my stomach. I’m still not sure what to do with “gone forever.” I keep wanting to share this song with him. I’ve played it over and over through my run. I keep wanting to email him and say “Listen to this when you get a chance. It describes how it feels for me to be in love with you.”
I walk into my house, and get ready for work. I cry the whole way to the salon. Again, the tears come without warning. I find myself still staring at things, lost in thought. I carefully set up my station and as I’m waiting for my client I open up to my co-worker, Rae and tell her that I’m a mess. It’s so hard. I tell her about crying all the way to work for no reason. Nothing sparked it, it just happens.
“It’s bigger than you.” she simply states. Her grandfather died recently. “I still cry and still like to torture myself some more by looking at his pictures while I’m crying. I pull out letters he wrote me and stare at his name.” she shakes her head. “It’s something about seeing his name…”
I think about her words for a moment, turning them over in my head. I do that. I stare at Rob’s name in my phone. I’ve saved some text messages from him and I read the words constantly but I really stare at his name and try to absorb any sort of energy that could still be left of him. I miss seeing his name blinking on my phone when he called. I miss hearing the beep of a new text message and hoping it’s him but knowing it’s not.
While working on my clients I watch my hands move through all the sections of hair. I have to blink back random tears, but I keep my eyes on my hands. It’s like they’re not even mine. My body is here but my brain is so far out in space I don’t know when I’ll see it again. I’m glad my hands know what to do.
I finish work and I’m meeting my sponsor for coffee. I decide I want to pierce the top of my ear. She wanted a new sparkly for her lip piercing so we meet at Kolo in Little Five Points instead of our usual Starbucks.
We’re both chatterboxes until it’s my turn to go back into a small room and perch on this padded table. The woman doing my piercing is Jen. She examines my ear asking if I wear glasses. Damn, I forgot to bring them.
“We’ll work around that.” she tells me, while measuring my ear.
When all this is said and done I’ll have a bar that goes through the top of my right ear. (kind of like an arrow was just shot through it) The first time I saw this piercing was on the guy that was teaching me how to be an assistant at Van Michael. I’ve seen it since and have kept in the back of my head that I wanted one.
“Ok, I’m going to put it here to allow for your glasses and swelling.” Jen said as she finished looking at my ear. I can’t see what she’s talking about but I trust her.
She cleans my ear and marks it with a Sharpie.
“Take a look in that mirror. That placement ok?”
I pick up the hand mirror and look at the black marks on my ear.
“Yup.”
“Ok, lay down on your left side.” she tells me.
I do but not before seeing the needle that is about to meet my ear. Why did I just look at that?
“Ok, this is going to pierce you twice and not going to feel great. Some people say the second one hurts worse but I think it’s just because you know it’s coming. I advise you to close your eyes and take deep breaths.”
Again, I do as I’m told. I feel her fingertips on my ear doing something. I immediately ask when her birthday is to get her talking.
“May second.” I hear her smile. “And you?”
“October eighth.” I giggle.
“Ok, inhale…”
I do.
“Exhale.”
As the air leaves my lungs the needle pushes into my cartilage at the top of my ear. I hear the skin give way under the sharp object. Wasn’t too bad. I open my eyes. Jen’s stomach is in my face.
“Ok, one more. Inhale.”
I do and close my eyes.
“Exhale.”
The needle pushes again. Ow!!! Ok! I’m awake! That shit hurt! My eyes fly open. “Oh yeah, the second time was worse!” I laugh.
“Ok, now I just need to put the bar in.” she’s still smiling.
I close my eyes again, feeling her hands working with the jewelry until she tells me to sit up and take a look in the mirror.
“Perfect!” I squeal examining the new shiny object that has taken up residence in my ear.
“Good! Be good to it. You’re all set.”
“Thank you.” I smile and hop off the table, thinking about her instructions to ‘be good to it’.
My sponsor tells me the same thing as our evening ends a couple of hours later.
This little outing has completely taken me out of my own head and placed me somewhere else entirely. I’m glad. I like being in my head, I do, it’s just that sometimes, I need to get out and get some air. I fall into bed later than I wanted to, thoughts of Rob’s kisses filled my head until there weren’t anymore left.