Sweetness...

It was back to work for me today after my glorious week off. I’m not ready to return of course but then again, after time off, who is? I put on jeans, a sparkly top and heels for the first time in a week and set out to pretend to be happy.
During my first haircut I noticed I was suddenly speeding up through the sections of his hair. I was thinking about Rob and how I’d see him tonight. I couldn’t remember what we were doing though so when I finished my client and checked my phone’s calendar I was gently reminded that I’d be getting dinner and watching a movie with my friend Laura tonight. Rob isn’t here.
“Melissa, you’re next one is here.” Cheyenne’s voice says to the back of my head.
“Thanks.” I say to the phone and place it back on the table.
My next client is Karen. I’ve been doing her hair since the very beginning of my career. I share her with a Van Michael colorist, Jeremiah. When I moved to Salonred she began scheduling her appointments every six weeks with him in the morning on Saturdays, allowing a gap of time for her to drive to Candler Park and then I’d cut her hair. She and I have seen each other through all sorts of ups and downs. She’s a breast cancer survivor. I’ve seen her through many surgeries, man issues, and job issues, child issues. I know so much about her daughter (who is my age) that I feel I’m friends with her by now.
Of course Karen knows her fair share about me too. I’ve disclosed to her all the ups and downs of the crazy people I’ve dated, the traveling I’ve done, moves I’ve made, and other various things.
The last time I was supposed to see her was last Saturday and she cancelled. In six years, she‘s not cancelled on me once. I figured something medically related came up. I was preparing myself to hear whatever she had to say and to tell her about Rob when I walked out of the break room and over to the chair where she was sitting.
“Hi!” I smiled.
“Hey.” her tone wasn’t bright and her color was done. I wondered if she had been to Van Michael already today or last week. Jeremiah knew about Rob.
She stood up and wrapped her arms around me in the most loving embrace I’ve ever received from a client. Everything seems to be moving in slow motion.
“I’m so sorry Melissa. Jeremiah told me.”
I sank into her and cried and cried and cried.
“It’s gonna be ok.” she said into my hair. “It’s all going to be ok.”
I nod. Feeling her tears beginning. When we finally let go we’re both mascara streaked messes, laughing at each other.
“It’s crazy.” I said. “This whole thing.”
“I know. Jeremiah’s really worried about you. He’d like you to call him when you can.”
“I should go up there and see everyone.” I laughed. It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve set foot in the place.
“Definitely. You wouldn’t believe the rumors that have spread. They think that he was with you and bunch of other people, and you were badly hurt. You know how things get blown out of proportion.”
I rolled my eyes. “I know. And no, I wasn’t even there. Rob was alone. Come on back.” We walked to my station and I began her haircut. I explained everything that happened during the week following Rob’s death. The subject slowly changes to details of her life. She did cancel for medical reasons last week but everything is under control.
“I was wondering about you!” I laughed.
“You guys know I don’t cancel! Everything is fine though.”
“Good.” I smile.
When I’m done with her hair and have walked her up front, she hugs me and reminds me to call Jeremiah.
“I’ll see you in six weeks!” she smiles.
“Yes ma’am!”
During my lunch break I delve back into the book I started this weekend. I had to put down the grief books for a while and read something else entirely. One of my favorite authors, Stephanie Klein just published a new book called “Moose. A memoir of fat camp.” I love her style and have been waiting for this book to finally appear on bookshelves.
In this book she’s recounting her time spent as an overweight adolescent and the camp she went to one summer. As she’s leaving her parents, she has the following thoughts on the bus ride to camp. “…at least I was the one leaving, with a summer stretched before me. It always seemed easier to leave than to be left behind. Because when others leave, you’re left with negative spaces, left to focus on what was once there. Your routine is the same while they’re out exploring and experiencing something new. You can’t help but feel abandoned, despite all the rational thoughts in your head. The hardest part is the unknown.”
I read the paragraph over and over again, turning the words over in my head. I thought about all the Mondays I woke up long after Rob had left for work, wanting to close my eyes again because I didn’t like waking up without him next to me. This weird emptiness would hang over me until my phone beeped with a text message from him. The emptiness is infinite now as I wake up day in and day out without him. I think also about him being in Heaven and finding myself almost jealous that he gets to experience something that none of here get to experience just yet. I want to know what he knows. I want to ask him questions. I asked him a lot when he was here but I want more now.
“Melissa, your client is here.” Again Cheyenne’s voice brings me back to the present moment.
“Thanks.” I smile and close my book.
Three clients later, Robert comes in. He’s one of my favorites. He’s got the most gentle demeanor that always immediately puts me at ease no matter how crazy I am or my day has been.
I tell him about Rob and we talk about death and grief and how people handle it. (or don’t) His father died almost two years ago.
“People don’t know what to do with death. They like to brush it under the rug, pretend that it didn’t happen and then act like everything is fine.”
“Exactly!” I exclaim. “I’ve had enough of people trying to distract me from things. I don’t need distractions. I need to get through this on my own time in my own way.”
“I understand.” he nods. “Everybody handles it so differently too.”
“Absolutely.”
I finish his hair and eventually my work day ends. I pack up my station thinking today was amazing but I’m really tired. I walk in the stifling heat to my car and head to Laura’s.
“Hi!” she exclaims and throws her arms around me.
“Hey!”
“How was work?”
“Good.” I smile.
“Good. I’m almost ready, come on back.” she says and I follow her to her bathroom where she begins to dry her hair.”
“Can you talk about Rob or not?” she asks.
“I can talk.”
“You sure? I don’t want to upset you.”
Why are people afraid of tears?
“You won’t upset me!” I laugh and then recount the events of Rob’s death again.
“Wow. I’m just so sorry.”
I nod. “Yeah it’s crazy.” I say that all the freakin’ time. I’m getting on my own nerves with my broken record response, but yeah, it really is crazy. The silence is killing me and I pipe up again. “Are you hungry?”
“Oh yeah!”
We decide on Doc Chey’s in the Virginia Highlands. I’ve been there only once and it was delicious.
“I need to come here more often!” I laugh.
“Isn’t is awesome?” Laura replies, putting her chop sticks down.
She tells me about work and her life and I elaborate more on mine. Although I miss Rob terribly, I’m quite content with my friend. We go back to her house and watch American Gangster. It’s after 1am when I leave. As I drive back down North Highland toward home, the streets are still buzzing with people and I think what would I be doing if Rob were still here? No sense in that I think to myself and fall into bed.