Serenity Now!!!

Serenity now!!!
I did everything I needed to do for the most part yesterday. Why is my head still floating around in outer space? What is it that I want? I am in such a rush. I’m in such a hurry to get all these feelings out. I know I can’t rush this. What’s the hurry, and why do I feel so guilty for not being able to handle all the emotions that come up when writing? There are times where I’m literally smiling as my fingers fly across the keyboard of my laptop, unable to keep up with my brain, remembering some delicious memory of something I shared with Rob. Other times, I cry and then there are times where I’m staring at a blank page with that little blinking cursor waiting for instruction and I have no words. I’m writing about my life. How hard can it be?
I’m about to deliver a little bit of ‘too much information’. I have a serious, homicidal case of PMS for reasons that are unbeknownst to me. It wasn’t always like this. Once a month for a week I turn into a completely different person. My PMSing little self is a spoiled bitch who throws a tantrum every time I don’t give in to what she wants. (especially when it comes to food.) When I try to figure out what it is that she wants she’ll change her mind and want something completely different. I feel like I run circles around myself trying to shut the bitch up but nothing works. That compounded on top of my grief has pushed me into solitary confinement. Aside from thanking the girl behind the counter at the coffee shop, the guy at the bookstore and a brief conversation with my mom I haven’t uttered a single word all day to any other human and I couldn’t be happier.
I tried going for a walk. Twice. It didn’t calm my nerves down. I feel like I’m going to crawl straight out of my skin. Nothing satisfies me, nothing calms me down. I’m grateful to not be at work during all this. I’ve been holed up in my house with my laptop and a good book, alternating between the two for the better part of the day.
Thoughts of ice cream creep into my head. Ben and Jerry’s is within walking distance, but that means walking passed Limerick, our favorite Irish pub where I’m sure to see someone and feel like I need to chat, when really, it’s the last thing I want to do. I decide on Publix and get into my car.
I don’t need no stinkin’ ice cream. It’s not going to solve the world’s problems and yet I find myself driving there anyways, on a serious mission to get a pint and get the hell out. Of course I run into a friend and have to explain my whole Rob situation. The feeling of wanting to jump out my skin escalates with each passing minute. I remind myself that she’s just being sweet and doesn’t know what to say and that’s ok. I just need to go!
We say goodbye and I quickly race over to the ice cream section before anything else happens and grab a pint of mint chocolate chip. “What the hell am I doing?” I think to myself. My pace slows as I walk towards the checkout counter. “Put it back.” I turn around at that moment and walk the pint back to it’s home and walk out of the store feeling quite pleased with myself for not giving in.
I contemplate going for coffee but I still hate people and I’m afraid of any sort of meanness that could erupt out of me at any given time. Today I hate stopping for the 4,000 pedestrians that have plagued North Highland. I hate that every move I make, I seem to be in someone’s way or they’re in mine. I hate hearing the noise that surrounds the city. I hate feeling I have to be social when I don’t want to be, putting on a smile when I don’t want to. I hate the pressure I simply put on myself for making an attempt at getting out and being with people when I know good and well I don’t want to. I hate that I hate people but that’s how it is for a little while and then it goes away and I love everybody again.