Taking Care...

I'm laying face down on Marian's massage table as her hands are working on my back. I feel the crunchy stuff on the right side of my spine move under my skin.
"Melissa, you're really tight. What's going on?"
"I don't know." I lie.
"Have you told the salon in Chicago about Rob?"
"I haven't." I replied.
"You really need to do that!" she exclaims. "Just tell them and let it go. Your muscles are out of control right now."
"You're right." I agree, but I don't know if I'm ready. When will I be ready?
When she's finished an hour and a half later she tells me to stretch often and deal with whatever is going on right now.
"Don't put it off anymore."
I nod, thank her and leave.
I end up staying awake way too late and waking up way too early. After breakfast I'm set to get some writing done at Inman Perk. As I'm in the middle of swimming through a sea of words, thoughts and memories my computer shuts off without warning. I feel rage bubbling under the surface of my skin and I try to remain calm. It's done this before. Carefully, I pack it up and go home, change clothes and go for a run. I'll deal with it later.
While running, Marian's words from yesterday are still haunting me. I am angry and not enjoying my run at all. So much in fact that I just stop and walk, trying to figure out where this anger is coming from. I've put so many things off. For starters, I really do need to call Chicago and tell them what's happened. I have a stack of cards that need to be mailed, bills that need to be paid, plus countless of other things that I simply want to do, but have not made time for. The one thing that weighs heaviest on my mine is the hardest to write about, which we all know is precisely the subject I need to unleash. So here we go…
Food is slowly finding it's way back into my life in the most unhealthy way. I'm using it to deal with a larger issue which I'm using to deal with the largest issue which is my grief. This larger issue is that I see myself looking hard for male attention in some very wrong areas of my life. I want it to fill this huge gaping hole that is left by the absence of Rob as quickly as possible so I don't have to face this loss. The hands that have rested on mine are not Rob's, the eyes I'm looking into do not reflect his love, the skin beneath my fingers is not his. I feel I'm standing on the edge of this enormous cliff. My skin is on fire and eating me alive. If I jump off the cliff I'll land in cool refreshing water and be relieved for a moment, but the water's too cold and eventually, if I don't get out, I'll freeze to death. I see how this will end and slowly I back away, further and further from the edge feeling the heat from my skin leave and I have to find another way down from the cliff. This angers my 'addict' self and it's like I have two little angels sitting on each shoulder. One telling me to end this situation because it's not good for me and one telling me to 'go on…just a little further. You can handle it." I can't though and each time I give in, I get further sucked in until I'm completely isolated from people and doing anything and everything for a 'fix'. I finally turn away from the insistent voice that keeps telling me what I want to hear but it's all a lie.
I keep walking, filled with a sense of purpose. Saying no is the hardest part for me. I can see the other side of this fence though. If I let this obsession for physical affection go and trust that one day I'll get it back with an emotionally available person, I'll feel better. I'll be able to get a better grip on myself. I'm scared though, scared that there will be nothing to lean on if I let this situation go, nothing there to catch me when I'm drowning in my grief but I'm reminded that God is there. If I can just trust that, I won't be left alone. I'll be able to handle anything.
'Ok.' I think to myself. 'When I get home I have to deal with the cards I want to send, then the bills. After that, I need to call Chicago, and after that I have to deal with the 'situation'. The anger that was taking over is now gone. The obsession with food I felt this morning upon waking up has practically fallen away and it's simply because I'm making a decision to take care of myself. If I can just love myself enough I won't need any external 'void fillers'. I feel a million times better by just mapping out a plan and sticking to it. I walk through my front door and immediately tackle the cards. I had everything I needed right in front of me and let it sit for weeks. I see this isn't a good approach and yet I procrastinate anyway. When that's done I prepare to deposit my paycheck and head to the bank. It takes all of five minutes. Again, why do I wait?
As I'm driving down Spring street I realize that the next step is Chicago. It feels as if an anvil is dangling from my heart as I reach for my phone. My head is swimming back to that day in early April when I got the job. Rob was telling me before my interview to calm down, enjoy the process and they'll hire me on the spot.
"You worry too much." I hear his words through the phone.
"I know. I can't help it."
"You're going to do great. Lemme know how it goes."
After we hang up I race to the train station and get to the salon. This is my second interview with Art and Science and I have to demonstrate a couple of blow dry techniques plus interview with what I thought were two other managers. When I get there, I see it's eleven managers/educators, all firing questions at me. I'm at ease though, remembering Rob's words and enjoying the process. It's the most animated I've ever been at an interview.
I finish my demos and as I was packing up I was offered the job on the spot.
"We want you to start tomorrow!" Cindy, the manager exclaimed.
I am filling with such happiness that they want me and I want them that I can hardly speak. We decide that I'll call her later in the week for a start date. I leave the salon feeling elated. I hang on to this feeling while riding the train to the airport. I don't call or text anyone right away. As I'm changing trains I start texting.
To Rob I type in all caps "I GOT THE JOB!!!"
His response is immediate. "I told you they would hire you on the spot! Congratulations! Now c'mere so we can properly celebrate!"
I still have that text message saved on my phone. Making this call while driving probably isn't the best idea but I'm desperate all of the sudden to have it completed. I scroll down my list on contacts and stop at 'ArtandScience'. I press the green 'call' button and listen to the monotone ring on the other end until a voice picks up.
"Thank you for calling Art and Science Salon. This is Molly, how may I assist you?" the chipper voice floats through my ears.
"Hi Molly, is Cindy available?"
"She's not in yet, may I take a message?"
"Sure. Please tell her this is Melissa Nipper and to call me when she gets a chance." I exhale.
She takes my number and we hang up. I place the phone down on the seat next to me and exhale. I did it. Now I just have to wait. Next step, address the 'situation'. I decide to save that one though for later.
Kat and I go to see Sex and the City. We sat in front of a giggly dramatic group of woman who wanted to sing along with every song that would play.
"I'm glad my hetero-life mate doesn't make her own soundtrack to movies." I laugh to Kat as we walk out of the theater.
"You wouldn't want me to anyways." she laughs.
We eat lunch then get our nails and toes done. I was in desperate need. The last time they were done was the day of Rob's viewing. It was so good to be able to spend time with her. We didn't talk much but knowing she's right there was enough for me.
At home I get my computer, pray it operates and head to Aurora coffee down the street. I press the blue button to turn it on and fires up right away. Yay! I write my 'situation' and explain how I have to stop the madness. He writes back immediately and apologizes. I write back and say "No need for all that, I was making decisions I shouldn't be making." He writes back asking if everything is ok now. "It is."
A huge wave of relief washes over me and I feel quite proud of myself. As fun as it is to give in to whatever my little heart desires at the moment it doesn't always result in feeling stellar when it's all said and done.
It's late when I finally get home. I think about staying up a little while longer to read but my eyes are heavy. I give in to sleep.