Sweetie...

Hey darlin’. It’s been a while since I’ve written you. I’ve been thinking about you. All the time, everyday. That’s a given though, as it was after that first meeting at Starbucks. I couldn’t get you out of my mind. I’ve been meaning to write but I feel silly for doing so. It’s not like I’ll be telling you something you don’t already know. Like when I wrote you before, about my feelings concerning my food issues, family issues, or issues with myself. It wasn’t anything you didn’t already know, I just needed to get it out. As always, there you were, reading every word, letting me be, helping me along.
I don’t really know what I want to say, which we know is always how my letters start and then I end up writing you a novel. I had a meeting today at work. Boss lady asked me to read one of my stories I wrote from my book. I chose “The Idiots Guide to Getting’ Ya Hair Did”. I’ve never read anything out loud like that before and it felt good she wanted me to do that. So many positive things were said this morning that I found myself wanting to text you to tell you about it. I feel physical pain when I’m suddenly reminded that I can text you all day but my phone won’t light up with your response.
Since I saw you last, I’ve managed to get closer to my family, see things in a different light and open up more to people in general. I’ve slowed down, stopped making so many damn life plans and have managed for the most part to be truly present in whatever situation I find myself in. I’ve kept a rather detailed blog about what my life is like now without you here. The outpouring of love that I’ve received from friends and your family has been one of the most amazing experiences I’ve ever had. I’ve been able to share a darker side of myself and people love me anyway, which has helped me grow in such a way that I’ll never be able to describe.
Writing has become first and foremost in my life. It comes before anything else right now. I’ve taken time off from work and I camp out in some pretty awesome coffee shops and write for hours. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do. I’m not sure if I ever told you that. I still have trouble with patience. I want it all right now. I want everything to be perfect and completed right this second. I get mad at myself when I can’t find the words I need. I forget that writing is a process and sometimes I have to stop, walk away and leave it alone for a moment.
I called the salon in Chicago yesterday. Cindy, the manager, called me today. I had trouble speaking. It took me a moment to catch my breath and say through fresh tears that you died and I’m staying in Atlanta for the time being. After her sweet condolences she said to call her when I wanted to move. I promised her I would stay in touch and that I’d re-evaluate the situation after New Year’s. Today, I keep replaying my last trip up there over and over again. When I was there, I wished so much that you were with me, seeing everything I was looking at. I wanted you to be just as caught up in the city as I was. I also wanted to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you hard when I got the job. Thank you again for being so supportive, never pushing me to stay in Atlanta, never trying to talk me out of anything, but pushing me to go after what I wanted. I am forever grateful.
Something else I wanted to share with you… I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being in such a bad mood that morning on the day you died. I don’t know what it was that possessed me to not lighten up. Maybe it was God’s way of getting me detach just a teeny bit because He knew what was coming. We addressed everything that needed to be addressed that morning. Apologies were made, love was given but I still couldn’t shake my anger. I wanted you to slow down, and touch me, hold me, and simply be with me. You were so worried about getting to Robby’s. You always were and I didn’t understand it when to my knowledge he didn’t give you any sort of schedule to adhere to and I felt you didn’t have that sense of urgency when it came to returning to Atlanta. I wanted your attention so badly and maybe you felt you were giving it but I felt you were distracted. I wanted you to stop a moment and kiss me like it was the last day of your life, because… it was.
I still love you so much I’ll never be able to put words to it. Promise me that even though I can’t touch or see you, you’ll always be here. Please don’t ever go. I love you. The most.
Love
Your Bug