Music...

Since I was twelve years old I’ve been obsessed with music. I’ve been singing my whole life, played the piano for five years and at the lovely age of twelve put together my first “mixed tape”. It consisted of random things like Paula Abdul, The Cranberries and Tom Petty. Hearing “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” still to this day takes me back to the days of big pink glasses, braces, and dresses with puffy sleeves. (I hear you laughing over there!)
Music has always been something I’ve turned to when there’s something going on in my life. Whether I was singing, playing or listening to the radio searching for the lyrics that I could apply to a particular situation, nothing takes me into or out of a moment like a good song.
Now, more than ever I feel extra clingy to certain songs, absorbing all their words trying to find some relief, some sort of message. They all run together at times saying…“take me away to better days…you’re the nicest thing I ever did see…take time to realize that your warmth is crashing down on in…just breathe…nobody said it was easy, nobody said it would be this hard, take me back to the start…I don’t care what they say, I’m in love with you…you cut me open and I keep bleeding love…I’m so addicted to you… it’s a beautiful day, a beautiful sunrise, I can’t stand to see you cry, I can take away your pain, …tell me how am I supposed to breathe with no air… I’m watching you breathing for the last time…you treat me like I’m a princess, I’m not used to liking it…”
The list is endless. I sing more now than I ever have before, enjoying the vibrations of my vocal cords and the places my mind goes in the middle of a song. The only song I can remember without sheet music on the piano is “The Unchained Melody”. I sang it in tenth grade at a school function and miraculously still remember how to play it ten years later. Recently I bought a Sarah McLachlan CD with her version of the song. I got completely lost in the melody. It was an interesting accompaniment. Her haunting voice swept me up and enveloped me in this quiet moment while driving one Sunday afternoon. I burst into tears before I could even recognize what was happening. “Oh…My love, my darling…” she sang through the speakers. “I’ve hungered for your touch, a long lonely time…I need your love, God speed your love to me…”
I still pray. A lot. I stare at Rob’s pictures. I ask him to talk to me, show me things, help me find words, help me write, show me the path I’m supposed to be on. When I ask of these things, I eventually find the words I need and the strength to write. Then sometimes while driving I’ll see a South Carolina car tag and smile. It’s usually after praying or after crying that I see one of these and it doesn’t happen that often. I feel extra special when it does. On Friday my client and friend Emily came in to see me. I haven’t seen her since December. She doesn’t know that I even met Rob or anything else.
“I brought you a CD!” she exclaimed after giving me a hug.
“Really!”
She hands me the disc.
“I burned it for you. It’s this band called Griffin House and some other funny stuff like that Miley Cyrus song.” she giggled.
I laugh.
“I’ve not heard of them but I’m excited! Thank you!” I exclaim.
“Of course.”
I don’t get to listen to the CD until I’m driving to mom and dad’s. The melody of the first song sounds sweet. Some lyrics catch my ear. “…Save me from myself. You got my back when I need help.” I smile and think of how Rob would always tell me I could count on him whenever I needed something. I certainly held him to it.
It’s Monday. I’m up early and driving to Marietta. I remember Emily’s CD and want to hear that first song again. I listen very closely to the lyrics this time…
Honey when you doubt my love for you Looking in my eyes what I'm going through Even if we change and fall out of You hold my hand and it's better than love Save me from myself You got my back when I need help It's no one else in the world You will always be my girl You will always be My girl Sometimes dreams they don't come true I was scared that night when I met you Well I stayed patient and I stayed kind Telling you to take your time Turn my life around You made it okay to let you down There's no one else in the world You will always be my girl You will always be My girl So when I'm walking down the road and feeling fine Can't understand the things you do Nothing turns out the way we planned You're still my baby and I'm still you're man Save me from myself You got my back when I need help It's no one else in the world You will always be my girl You will always be My girl
The singer’s voice is gentle and I sing along with him over and over again. Three times while driving I see a South Carolina car tag (one of which says 10/08 on it.) and I can’t help but to think Rob chose the song for Emily to give to me and he’s singing right along with me. If Rob were still on this planet I’d be going on and on about the song to him like he was to me about Saving Abel’s “Addicted”. I think we both could apply the lyrics to each of our lives with each other. Like I needed him to “save me from myself” (and cookies) and “sometimes dreams don’t come true” certainly pertains to the current situation. “You made it ok to let you down.” makes me think of how he was late all the time. Despite the fact that I was livid half the time about it, I could calmly state how I just wanted to see him and his being three hours late cut into that time. That’s all. He liked that I put it that way instead of yelling at him. And yes of course, holding his hand was better than love.