Hurt...

Memories of having sex with Rob the morning of the day he died crept into my head when I woke up this morning. Actually it’s only one tiny piece of a memory that keeps replaying. It’s the palm of my hand finding his and my fingers lacing between his. I am seriously in awe at how our brains work. How does this even happen? Where did this memory come from and why is it choosing this moment to remind me of what I’ll never get to feel again with him? Why do I even try to entertain the idea of replacing it? It hurts so much I can’t see straight.
Make it stop. I feel I’m being eaten alive. Well,… I’m the one doing the eating. I thought I was doing pretty well there for a short while but this shit is no joke. This and my other ‘vices’ sneak up on me very slowly letting me think I can ‘handle it’ then out of the clear blue sky I’m knocked on my ass, mouth full of something sweet, wondering what the hell happened.
A lot of things have shifted since talking with my co-worker. Things I didn’t even know needed shifting, shifted and I still can’t quite put words to it. I’ve started a couple of letters to him, trying to get it out but I still can’t. I want to write him but it makes me nervous. I had reserved that part of my life for Rob. I’m scared of… I don’t know…scared of being hurt more than I already am by being open with him.
I get to work, happy to see everyone and maybe get out of my head for a little while. I have a painfully slow day but feel ok with being still. I text my sponsor telling her what I plan to eat that day so I don’t go too far off the path.
Later on Rae and I are talking in the break room.
“So I heard you guys saw us on Saturday night!” she laughed.
“Oh yeah!” My co-worker and I saw her and her boyfriend walk by when we were sitting outside of my house.
“Sooo…” she smiled.
“Nothing happened!” I laughed. I told her about falling asleep with him.
“I just…” I’m trying not to cry.
“You just wanted a warm body there.” she finished for me.
I nodded. “He doesn’t know this is what was going through my head.”
“It’s just nice sometimes.”
“Yeah.” I smile.
I’m bored and end up eating. Not much, but I still feel like ass for doing it. I text my co-worker. “I’m fucked up, pissy and full. Grr.” He’s with a client. I walk outside and call my sponsor. Her voicemail picks up.
“Hey. It’s Lissa…” I started but so did the tears. I explain as best as I can what’s been in my head today. It’s the longest voicemail I’ve ever left for someone. I hang up and begin scrolling down the list of names in my phone. Rob’s name is highlighted when I stop scrolling. I knew he’d have the answer…saying I worry too much and everything will be ok. So I called him and got his voicemail. Over and over I dialed, smashing the phone to my ear to hear him. I eventually stopped and scrolled down to Nathan. I haven’t talked to him since Rob’s funeral. I call him. As the phone rings I think to myself. “I’m actually calling people. Not eating anything else but picking up the phone to make a connection with another human being…” I do want to get better. I really really do.
“Hey!” his voice exclaimed on the other end.
“Hey sugar!” I smiled.
“What’s going on?”
“Oh ya know… are you at work?” I ask.
“Yeah.”
“Do you have a minute?”
“Yeah, what’s up?”
I go into how much I miss Rob, how some days are worse than others and today is one of those days.
I cry and cry and cry and he listens to me, not saying anything until I can breathe again. I tell him about my co-worker and how much he means to me but how I’m scared of the whole thing. I gave Rob everything. Now it’s like I give pieces of everything to certain people. There isn’t just one whole person anymore. One of the scariest pieces is all the emotional shit that happens in my head before getting into anything edible and I feel I’m walking on a fragile line with my co-worker. It’s nothing he’s done but my own insecurities that make me nervous.
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to unleash all this on you.” I smile.
“It’s ok. I told you to call whenever you need to.”
He tells me about his newlywed life, and about work and his family. It’s interesting. He’s married now, it’s not to me, and I’m ok with it. He’s still one of my very best friends.
For a little while longer we entertain each other with random stories until I have to go back inside and wait for my client. We say goodbye and I head back into the air conditioning.
I put my phone away and walk into the break room. My co-worker walks up next to me and hugs me. I press my face into his chest and chew on my cheek to keep from crying.
“You ok?” he asks when he lets me go.
“Nope!” I smile.
“When’s your next one?”
“Four fifteen.” I glance at the clock.
He nods. “It’s hard to be here all day waiting around isn’t it?”
“Yup.” I nod.
“Almost done though.” he reminds me before walking out to get his client.
I walk upstairs to the spa and text Monique while trying to write. Her last message to me ends with “Love you.” I dissolve again. I cannot stop crying. I can’t even write anymore. Why can’t this be enough? Why can’t I accept love that people are giving me? Why am I looking for it everywhere else but where I know it is?! What sense does that make?!
I pick up my phone. It’s 5:41pm. My next one will be here in 4 minutes. I look like a train wreck. I peel my busted ass off the couch, dry the tears and go downstairs with my ‘happy face’.
“Melissa, your client’s here.” Matthew tells me when I reach the bottom of the stairs.
“Thanks.” I put my things down in the break room and go find her.
I leave work a little later than expected. I’m fighting every urge to eat on my way home and it’s killing me. I’m choosing to write this instead of ordering something “to go” from the restaurants around the corner from my house. The urge to eat hasn’t left my mind but I’m trying very hard to sit still and feel this. I don’t know what it’s like to sit with it. I always give in and for this moment, right now, I promise to be still.