Recovery...

I slept hard but not much. It’s almost 7:30 when I open my eyes and see him next to me, his arms curled under his chin. I roll over and close my eyes again. I don’t move until the alarm goes off. I reached over and turned it off. He moves but doesn’t open his eyes. I push some hair off his forehead and he wakes up.
“Mornin.” I smile. “Alarm just went off.”
“It did?”
“Uh huh.”
“Ok.” He gets up and walks into the living room.
I don’t move. I’m staring out of my window watching tiny, faint images of birds darting back and forth from tree to tree, and listening to the sounds of my co-worker getting ready to leave. I get up and walk to where he is.
“I think I have everything.” he said and wraps his arms around me.
“I’ll see you in a little while.” I smile. “You know how to get to work right?”
“Yeah. That’s North Highland isn‘t it?” he points to the left.
“Yup!”
“Ok, I’ll see you later.”
“Bye.”
I get dressed and head over to San Francisco Coffee. I’m there for half an hour when my phone rings. It’s my sponsor. Oh damn! I’m supposed to meet her at Starbucks in fifteen minutes. Completely forgot!
“Hey girl! Just making sure we’re still on for this morning.” she says when I pick up.
“Oh yeah!” I smile.
“Ok, I’m gonna be about five minutes late.”
“No worries!”
We hang up and I head over there thinking I’m going to be jacked drinking another cup of coffee but maybe I need it after 4ish hours of sleep.
I’m there for a few minutes before her. I haven’t seen her in two or three weeks.
“Hey!” she exclaims and hugs me hard.
“Hi darlin’!”
She sits down in front of me.
“So what’s up? How ya been?” she props her face on her hands.
I’m immediately overwhelmed. There is so much I want to say to her, so many directions I want to go in and I don’t know how to start.
“You know how in recovery sometimes things move so slowly you wonder if anything is happening and other times they move at the speed of light?”
She nods.
“I’m in the speed of light stage again right now.”
“Good!”
“It’s so amazing but it’s blowing my mind. It’s going too fast for me to figure it out and let it sink in.”
“That’s ok.”
“I have this need to gain a better understanding of the Steps and try to do better with the whole thing, all while learning from my co-worker and how to just be there for him and losing the desire to control him.”
She nods. I email her every day with what I ate and the exercise I did for the day plus I sometimes write to her about what’s going on in my life. I have learned that I have some control issues. I want to push my co-worker into recovery but it’s not my decision to make and it’s killing me to stay on the sidelines watching and hoping he “gets it” before something awful happens.
“At some point you will need to redefine what your abstinence means to you. That changes a lot as well.” she tells me.
I nod. I’m scared of this. Right now my abstinence is no binging. I know that at some point, it will have to be absolutely no compulsive eating. No running to the store when I’m anxious to tear into cookies, no looking for food when I’m bored, and absolutely no mindless eating just because it’s “there”. All those things might be harder to kick than the binging. I binged for a year, and have been ‘sober’ from that for 8 months. I’ve eaten mindlessly for 8 years now. It’s going to be harder.
My head is everywhere and I still can’t fully grasp everything I feel I need to tell her. I look at the phone and “10:00” is displayed across the screen.
“Dammit, I have to go. I left my work stuff at home and have to get it.” I tell her.
“Ok. One more thing. I need you to try and get to at least two meetings a week and try Al Anon if you can to help with dealing with your co-worker.”
“Deal.” I smile. OA has definitely taken a backseat to everything else lately.
We leave and I get to work. My day goes smoothly but I’m still having trouble staying awake. I get to leave a little early and down another cup of coffee. I go home and write until my friend Shannon comes over. We’re going on a little adventure to Dick’s Sporting Goods in Buckhead to get…roller blades. Hehe.
Once we figure out where they are in the massive store we each grab a pair in our size, sit down and put them on. Kids are everywhere testing out bicycles. Neither of us have put on skates in years. I’m terrified of wiping out or running into one of these kids.
This rollerblade thing started when we were walking through Piedmont park and saw this girl with a perfect body flying by us on her roller blades looking like she was having the time of her life. My shins need relief from running so this is looking quite fun.
“You ready?” Shannon laughs.
“Uh huh!”
And off we go, making a tentative two laps around the store. Once we got back to where we were sitting she asks “Are we going to do this?”
“Oh yeah! I’m excited!”
We take off the roller blades and start trying on wrist guards. I decide to grab some knee guards as well, remembering how badly I’ve already jacked them up. Oddly enough, we decide against helmets…My head might get busted but my knees are gonna look good!
Once everything is paid for we head back to my house so I can change into shorts and a t-shirt before heading to Piedmont park. I’m still deliriously tired but giddy to try this new endeavor.
There is a small parking lot in the park but it’s full by the time we get there. I notice several South Carolina car tags mixed in with the many Georgia ones and it makes me smile.
“Hey look at that girl!” Shannon points to a girl on black roller blades flying passed us as we turn around to exit. She’s wearing sleek black pants, and a burgundy sports bra over her perfect body.
“That’ll be us in no time!” I laugh.
We park on a side street and put on our skates. I hang on to Shannon’s car as I make my way around to the driver’s side where she’s still getting situated.
“I’m so excited!” I giggle.
“I’m a little scared.” she replied.
“Oh I’m terrified but mostly excited!” I laugh.
She closes her door and we take off. Neither of us realized we were going to be heading down a slight hill that would take us to the main road into the park. We start coasting down this seemingly harmless hill. She’s moving faster than me.
“I can’t stop!” she calls out to me as she heads for the main road turning at the corner. Thank God there were no cars coming. I wasn’t so lucky.
“Me either! Shannon! I’m gonna hit a car!” I squeal as my body slams into the rear end of a parked Mitsubishi Eclipse. Oh damn. Ow.
Shannon’s waiting for me but I’m not sure how I’m going to get over to her without falling. I gingerly hang on to everyone’s cars until I can reach a stop sign.
“I don’t know how to get there.” I exclaim. “I don’t want to turn that corner.”
Some little old ladies are crossing the street.
“Do you need help dear?” one of them asks.
“Yes ma’am.” I laugh, turning 18 shades of red. This little old lady is going to help me across the street. Feels a little backwards…
She takes me to Shannon. I grab her hand and we slowly roll over these metal things that give me a minor heart attack each time we hit one.
Once we’re clear and passed those and any vehicular traffic I let go of her. Like baby farm animals learning to walk, we’re each taking one step at a time trying to figure this out. An ambulance is sounding off in the far distance.
“They might be on their way for us.” Shannon laughs.
I laugh and move faster trying to catch up with her.
“I like it, I like it!” I exclaim, wanting to clap my hands but I don’t feel I can multitask right now.
“Yeah. My hips are hurting though.”
“Oh me too.”
We circle the park three times before deciding to call it a night. We make plans to do it again on Tuesday. I can’t wait. I’m so excited that I may just try it again tomorrow…