Lovin'...

I was about to perform an exorcism on my car when my phone rang. It’s 10am on Thursday, already 1,000 degrees outside and if the possessed car alarm demon fairy who has sucked the life out of my brand new battery doesn’t stop right this minute I’m gonna blow the whole thing up.
“Hi!” I squeal into the phone while still giving the car (who is still delivering half hearted chirps) the evil eye.
“Hey sweetie.” My co-worker Matthew smiled on the other end. “How’s the car?”
“Well. I can’t find the fuse box we talked about yesterday and the alarm went off AGAIN when I shut the driver’s door. Sooo… there must be a little juice left in the battery. I just don‘t know what to do now.”
“Ok. You still want me to come over and take a look?” he asks.
“Yes please.” I sigh.
“Alright. See you in a little bit.”I hang up the phone and retreat back into the air conditioning.
One hour later…
“Sweetie, I don’t know.” Matthew sighed, sitting in the passenger seat of my car.
Both doors are open and so is the hood. I’m holding on to the owner’s manual, sitting in the grass next to him.
“I don’t know either.” I shut the manual. “Let’s jump the thing and take it to the shop near work.”
“Aw! I hate for you to do that.” he stands. I do the same and we walk over to the exposed engine. “I know it’s a simple little thing. We just have to find the fuse.”
“Yeah…” I lean over the edge, peering at the guts that make the machine I depend on so much operate. “I just want it back.”
“I know. I’ll get my jumper cables.”
I call the shop to make sure they can disable the alarm.
“Oh, this happens all the time!” Missy exclaimed when I told her what was happening.
Huh. Really. Why does everyone laugh when I tell them about driving while the alarm is screaming instead of commiserating with me? J
We miraculously make it to the shop without so much as a peep out of the alarm. That bitch knows she’s headed for death. On the way, I silently ask Rob ‘why is my car choosing to blow up and you’re not here to work your magic?’ I smile to myself and think ‘you’re laughing at me aren’t you?’ I look over to a row of parked cars and see a South Carolina tag on a white Mercedes.
Once the car was in the shop, Matthew took me home.
“Thank you for being amazing!” I hug him hard, so very grateful he took the time to come out.
“Anytime! Have a good day!”
I quickly got ready for work and took Gordon’s car.
Two hours later, Cheyenne walks over while I’m blow drying my client telling me the shop called and the car is ready. “They’ll bring it by when they close. Is that ok?” she asks.
“Absolutely!”
By the time I finished my last client I was ready to crawl out of my skin. I suddenly felt I was unable to talk anymore. I haven’t been on a run in three days and my anxiety level has reached new heights all the sudden. I quickly pack up and take Gordon’s car home, put on my running clothes and run back to work to get my car. I make it there in a record 26 minutes.
I’m still trying to figure out what it is about running that puts me on top of the world. My mind can go to the most spectacular places. Sometimes, I go crazy fast, and other days I can barely go. I still manage to find time for it. I don’t make many excuses not to, even when I should.
The drive home is lovely. There was no delay in the engine starting. I’m finally calm.
I stay awake reading once I‘m showered and in bed. My eyes are heavy but I really want to finish this one last story. The author writes short stories based on her life experiences. Most of them have me laughing out loud. Every now and then she throws in a super sweet one or a sad one. I’m tangled up in a sad one right now about the loss of her dog. Even though she no longer had her she still walked the same path every day that she did when the dog was alive. One day she came across a random woman with a Golden Retriever. She asked her if she could pet the dog, explaining she had just lost hers.
This. This is what I was feeling when I was with my co-worker last night but was unable to understand. It’s what I wanted to say to him. “Can I just hold your hand? The one that used to reach for mine is gone and I miss that.” I didn’t say anything though.
I finish the story and close the book, staring at the ceiling. My mind replays a conversation we had once we sat down at dinner yesterday. He said he cared a lot about what I thought about him.
“Why?” I ask.
“Because I think you’re a good person. I have a lot of respect for you and I like you.” he replied.
I didn’t know what to say to that. It kills me to say that I believe he has these thoughts but I don’t know why. I’m unable to grasp the concept of respect and what it means. I don’t often feel like a good person.
I got out of bed, turned the light off and went to sleep.
I wake up just before my alarm goes off and go through my usual routine of eating oatmeal and going to Inman Perk. I have an intense craving for cookies and San Francisco Coffee’s chocolate chip pumpkin bread all at the same time.
“Don’t do it.” I tell myself while sitting at a traffic light. If I go straight, I’ll be at Inman Perk in no time. If I make a slight detour when the light changes, I could get cookies and briefly soothe my little anxious mind, if only for a moment before the guilt sets in.
Before I have another thought I text my sponsor. “I’m not getting cookies or pumpkin bread today.” I hit send and the light turned green. I go straight. Let’s see how long I can go today without hurting myself.
My second client is a woman I met in a coffee shop when I first started working at Salonred. I adore her bubbly personality and her massive amounts of hair. Rob had been gone three weeks when I last saw her.
“Hi!” She wrapped me up in a huge hug.
“Hey darlin’!” I’m beaming.
“How are you? Well, I mean, I know how you are. I read your blog, but…”
“I’m good.” I laugh, remembering she’s able to read what I write but forgetting she actually does. I’m deeply flattered.
“I just want you to know you’re awesome. OK? You are so awesome.” she nods at me.
My eyes fill up. I wasn’t expecting to cry when I saw her today but I feel so…special? Is that the right word? I don’t know, I feel something overwhelmingly fabulous and it’s brought tears to my eyes.
She hugs me again and tells me not to cry. How do I tell her what I’ve felt the past few days? There isn’t enough time in her appointment to explain how touched I’ve been by so many people lately, and I don’t think they have a clue. How do I tell her that I’m trying so hard to put the food down when it’s hardest right now and in return I’m actually able to feel love? It’s the one thing I’m looking the hardest for when I stumble upon some food instead. Eating happens faster than the receiving of love sometimes.
That doesn’t even scratch the surface though. There is so much more floating around in my head that I want to get out but I don’t understand it just yet. I’m trying to be patient…