Stuck...

It feels like someone chopped my head off, played soccer with it, lost the game and gave it back, leaving me to fix it. How did I let this happen? Who said you could have my head? Give that shit back and leave me alone. I’m now stuck with it in my lap, stitching pieces of skin back on, popping my eyes back in and trying to figure out how the hell I’m going to breathe again.
Oh I am angry!!! Lately, things had to be re-evaluated and rearranged and now I’m living with my decisions and trying my absolute best to stand up but the floor sure is looking nice. I’ve managed to manipulate myself, eating around the things I told my sponsor I wouldn’t eat. It’s not fixing the problem obviously. I’m sedated only for the duration of consumption and then I get to feel all the guilt. I hate it but somewhere in my mind, I feel it’s better than feeling the alternative… which is what’s making me eat to begin with.
Basically, when I get to the bottom of everything that’s been done, everything that’s happened, good and bad it’s simply because I miss Rob. I’m unable to sit still. I’m unbelievably lonely but don’t feel up for company. I can’t talk. I don’t know what to say. I can’t explain what it is because I don’t understand it. I just want to know how to just experience it. I’m too good at bouncing from one vice to another, never stopping to think how it’s is going to feel later. Needless to say, I’m a little slow in the learning department.
I leave work and go home. Shannon and I go to the park and roller blade. After that I’m home again. It’s dark and quiet. I poke around my room looking for my sketch pad and pencils. I found them buried in my closet. For the next couple of hours I sit in the kitchen, Tori Amos singing to me while I draw. It’s very very rare that I draw anymore. Usually things are really bad when I get out the pencils and paper. I’m unable to communicate any other way so this is it for now. My subject matter usually consists of ladybugs, butterflies and a spider here and there.
I’m too angry to worry about whether or not what I’m drawing is right or wrong, whether the proportions are correct or not. My mind takes off, trying to repair itself while my hands flutter around the once blank page. I’m quite content with what I’ve created once I finish.
I think about my co-worker while glancing at the time. I pick up the phone and text him, explaining how angry I am, and how badly I want to eat and not doing so is killing me.
“What do you mean? What’s going on?” he texts back.
“It feels like I have no skin left on my body. I can’t sit still.” I text back, the image of my phone blurring from tears.
“You can come over if you want.”
I think about that. I want to, I want to unleash all this insanity on him but it’s getting late. Hmm.
“I’d like to. It’ll take a minute to get there.”
We keep texting back and forth until he doesn’t respond and I wonder if he’s fallen asleep. I look at the clock again. I should go to sleep.
I woke up early this morning, ate breakfast and headed to Inman Perk. I wasn’t there long before going back home to drop off my computer and picking up my roller blades. I went to Piedmont Park and skated while watching the sun come up over the midtown skyline. My hips an legs are on fire but my breathing is deep and for once I’m perfectly calm and relaxed. I’ve realized that when I run, my feet take on the rhythm of the music I’m listening to. Same thing is happening while on the skates but I like a different tempo on the skates than when running.
It rained last night and everything seems extra green. I wonder what Rob’s doing. A new song begins playing on my iPOD and it brings on two memories. The first is the Saturday before Rob died he and I were at my friends Amy and Jamie’s house. A song was playing on her computer and I loved it. It was by “Band of Horses”. I had to get her tell me the name of the band three times. Rob and Jamie talked about other various bands they liked while Amy and I tried not to giggle too loudly at Rob’s preciousness. (I’m sure he’s thrilled to know that right now I’m calling him ‘precious’.J ) Amy texted me the next day saying they loved Rob and couldn’t wait to hang out again with us. The next week I was calling her, waiting for her to pick up, trying to find the words to explain what had just happened.
The second memory is recent. My co-worker and I are in his car on our way to the theater when he pulls out his iPOD.
“Have you ever heard of “Band of Horses?” he asks while plugging it in.
“Oh my gosh! Yes! You just reminded me I need to download a song by them!” I exclaim and immediately make a note to do so in my phone.
“I really like them. This is my favorite song.” he says while pressing ‘play’. “It’s called “The Funeral”.
We’re quiet as the song plays. It’s not the one I heard at Amy’s but I can’t believe the title of it.
We pulled into the parking lot when it stops playing.
“Awesome isn’t it?” he looks at me.
“Yup.” I nod. We get out of the car.
“Where are they from?” I ask, already pretty sure I somehow know the answer.
“Um, South Carolina.”
I knew it! I tell him about the night Rob and I had with Amy and Jamie and how he and I just listened to a song titled “The Funeral”.
“How weird is that?” he looks at me.
“I know.”
At Inman Perk this morning I eventually found the song I heard at Amy’s on iTUNES. I bought the whole CD.
When it feels that my ass is literally gonna fall off I decide it’s time to take the skates off. I put my shoes on, and text my sponsor, telling her what I will be and will not be eating today before heading to the grocery store. I’m desperate to be happy again. I want to try and make today better.