Last Day...

I use the calendar in my cell phone to remind me of things quite often. Sometimes I attach an alarm to the reminder but most of the time, I don’t. I noticed this morning (Aug 23) that the date in my phone was highlighted. I didn’t have plans tonight. I clicked on it and the words “Last day of work” popped up. I was supposed to move to Chicago on Monday. I absolutely cannot believe the day has finally arrived…and I’m not going right now.
When my work day ended I thought to myself, ‘if this were to be my last day it was a damn good day!’ I enjoyed the company of my clients and laughing with my co-workers.
Later, while at dinner sitting across from my co-worker a our favorite Thai restaurant I say to him that I was supposed to move this weekend.
“Wow! Really?” he put the menu he was holding down.
“Yeah, it’s so weird how everything changed.”
“Are you still going at some point?” he asked.
“Someday.” I smile.
We each order our favorite dishes and talk in low voices about things despite the typical loudness of the restaurant.
“I can’t believe I ate all that.” he laughed once we were done.
“It’s so good!”
“What do you want to do?” he asked.
“I don’t care, walk, see a movie, doesn’t matter.”
“Let’s go to Urban Outfitters.”
“OK!”
We leave and walk down the street to the huge store. I watch him dart from one corner to another randomly asking my opinion on various things.
“What do you think about this hat?” he said, wearing a black and turning in front of the mirror.”
“I like it.” I smile.
“I don’t look weird?”
“No!” I laughed.
“I don’t know about it.” he puts it back on the table.
Each time I went astray to look at something he reeled me back in to show me this or that. I eventually stayed with him. I don’t like to shop for me with other people around anyways.
We left a little while later and went for a long walk. Rain drizzled on us and stopped, then started, and stopped. We of course were talking about our habits as usual.
“Does it bother you that we mostly talk about this?” he asked.
“Not really. It’s what’s in your head right now and until that changes, well, it’s how it’s going to be for now. When I don’t want to hear anymore I’ll tell you and I hope you’ll do the same for me.”
“I will. It’s just, I get tired of hearing myself sometimes.” he looked at the ground. We’re sitting in a park under the dark sky.
“I know what you mean. I was the same way. Even going back and reading some of my journals from before OA I drive my own self crazy with the details of my food obsession.”
“Wanna head back?” he asked after a while of sitting in the damp air.
“Sure.”
The rain began it’s drizzle again.
“I don’t even want to know what my hair is doing now.” he said a few minutes later.
I laughed, being we both have curly hair and we both straighten it. “Me either.” I could see the tiny curls already trying to form around his hairline.
Back at my house we stayed up watching TV until two in the morning. He passed out on my couch and I retreated back to my room.
The next morning I was up before my alarm. He was too. We both silently shuffled around until his phone started ringing. Over and over it rang. He stared at it for a while then said “I don’t know who this is.” It kept ringing. I shook my head.
“I’ll be back.” he walked outside.
I could hear his voice elevate as he snapped at whoever was on the other end. Minutes later he rushed back inside and grabbed his bag. “I have to go. I’ll see you at work.” He was gone before I could say a word.
I was taking care of my parent’s dog, Gus, while they were out of town. I stared at the dog trying to figure out where to go from here. Do I get coffee and write like I planned or do I take Gus back to Jonesboro before work because I can’t think to write? Jonesboro it is.
I loaded him up and set off down I-75. I’m angry. Why am I angry. I’m angry at my co-worker. I’d rather feel the grief than this much anger right now. I try to break this down in my head. What did he do? Nothing. What do I want from him? Oh damn. That’s it. I want him and his company to solve my problems, to ease my grief. He has no idea, and never stood a chance against my unbelievably high expectations. I knew good and well he wasn’t going to be able to ease my grief. Nothing and no one can. Certainly didn’t stop me from trying. “Ok then.” I exhale. Now I know and now I can try to make better decisions.
I quickly unload Gus and his things and drive back to Atlanta. I get ready for work and go in and do my clients. I don’t get a chance to say much of anything to my co-worker.
Work ends and I meet my friend Amy for coffee then talk to my sponsor before falling into bed. I feel the waves of grief crashing against the walls of my head again without the buffer of food or the presence of another human and desperately try to close my eyes and sleep.