Work...

The next two days were a blur. I decided I would let myself do whatever my little heart desired. If that meant sleeping all day, alright. If it meant eat until I explode, great. If it meant shopping until I plowed all the way through next month’s rent, awesome. I did none of those things though. I think because I had given myself unabashed permission to do so, the idea was no longer appealing.
I slept until I woke up, I ate when hungry, and shopped a little for Christmas. I visited Lincoln Park like I always did when I came to Chicago for interviews, walking along West Armitage, looking at all the cute shops and stopping outside Art and Science on Halstead. This was the location I dropped my resume off at earlier this year and the location I was at when I accepted the job.
I turned and headed back towards the train, stopping into a chocolate shop for hot chocolate and a moment to write for a while. Once I couldn’t sit still anymore, I headed out again, this time for the Loop.
I was immediately swept up and sucked into the undertow of the city’s energy. It moved me across streets, pushed me into thick crowds of people bustling down the sidewalks and occasionally dropping me off into a store or two to catch my breath.
Borders book store downtown is one of my favorites. It’s got several floors and the café’s windows expose magnificent views of the city. I wanted to stop for coffee here but it was packed.
I took the train everywhere and loved it, wondering if it would ever get old. I loved watching the people, the views, and loved the fact that there was no traffic to sit through and I could read if I wanted to.
I knew Kaci would be home around seven and so I made sure I was there at that time both days of freedom before the seriousness of employment settled in. I realized that before seeing Kaci walk through the door, I’ve barely uttered a sentence all day.
“What have you been up to?” she asks while putting her things down in her room.
“Aimless wandering. All day. It’s been amazing!” I reply.
“You’ve been outside walking around in all this?”
I nod. It was clear today.
“It’s so cold!”
“I know!” I laugh.
We exchanged crazy travel stories, family history stories, and work stories. I told her about Kat and me coming to Chicago for my birthday last year, about meeting my friend Paul in December and the insanity of that first trip back to Chicago after my birthday. I told her about Rob and about Pete. It’s like I’ve known her forever, and I can tell her anything.
“Your life is insane!” she exclaims, perching on the counter, swinging her legs.
I smile and shake my head. Sometimes I feel I live the most boring life and other times, not so much.
“Just you wait. Once the weather gets really bad, it’ll be me and you, firing up the fire place, and making s’mores and doing crafts.” she laughs.
I can’t wait really. To talk with someone while snow is falling and making the sparklies sounds wonderful.
“Are you ready for tomorrow?” she asks.
“Yup!” I smile. “I have my clothes and everything all ready just like the first day of first grade!” I laugh. I swear, some things never change.
“Good! I like to leave a little after seven. It’s the last possible minute to leave without being late. You’re going to get there early. I’ll have another 45 minutes on the train.”
“Are you serious?”
“Oh yeah. I just take a little nap or do my make-up.”
For whatever reason, I’m not worried about a thing. It’s as if time doesn’t exist and if it does, it’s on my own terms. Even waiting for the trains today, I know I don’t have any control over them and they’ll get there when they get there. I feel perfectly relaxed as I crawl into bed, excited about this new thing I’ve started…
My alarm goes off at 6:00am. I eat breakfast and stay on the computer a little longer than I should have. I quickly hop in the shower and get dressed. I’m about to apply my make-up with I hear someone knocking on my door.
“Melissa?” Kaci whispers.
“Yeah?” I step out of the bathroom and open the door. She’s still in her pajamas.
“Can you be ready in twenty?”
Uh oh.
“Yup!”
“Kay.” she nods and walks down the hall. I get back to my face, racing through make-up application and drying my hair curly instead of wearing it straight like I had planned. I pushed my feet into a new pair of shiny high heeled boots, grabbed my purse, and walked to the kitchen.
“Ready?” Kaci asked, closing her bedroom door.
I nodded.
“Are you going to be able to walk in those?” she eyed my boots.
“Oh yeah.”
“We have a ways to go.”
“It’ll be fine.” I smile, thinking I’ve been wearing heels since the seventh grade.
I was practically crying by the time we got to the train platform. What have I done to my feet? I’m not even at work yet, plus how am I going to get back? Worry about it later I guess.
Kaci sits in the same car every morning. She likes the sweet man who takes the tickets.
“So you’ve got a friend with you this morning.” he smiles at her, and nods at me.
“Yup! She just moved here. I feel like a proud mama on my baby’s first day of school!”
We laugh, I buy my ticket and sit back, staring at the window. We’re on a double decker commuter train that heads directly north of the city. Our stop is one stop from downtown and fifteen minutes from Evanston.
“The next stop is yours.” Kaci smile at me.
“Ok. When I get off, which direction do I go?”
“Hmm. Take a right off the train, go down the stairs and take another right. I think that’s the street the salon is on.”
“Kay.” I smile.
The train stops and I stand up, pulling my coat back on.
“Fly away little bird! Have a great day!” Kaci exclaims.
“You too! I laugh.
I follow her instructions and find the salon. I’m thirty minutes early and don’t see a Starbucks. I stop into Panera and have a mocha, constantly glancing at my phone, waiting for the minutes to tick by. Finally I decide to go.
I stop outside the door and notice a cute girl leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette.
“Do you work here?” she asks.
“I do now.” I laugh. “You?”
She takes a long drag off the cigarette and nods. “Yeah, it’s my first day.”
“Me too!” I examine her a little closer. Cyndi told me I’d be starting with another girl. She’s about five feet tall with a jet black bob and bangs. Her eyes are blue and her nails are green. She’s wearing black pants and a navy blue down coat that is tied around her tiny waist. “I’m Melissa.” I offer my hand.”
“Lauren.” she smiles and shakes it. She tells me she’s from Chicago, and just graduated from school.
“I’m so nervous man!” she stomps on her cigarette. “Are you?”
“Kinda.” I smile, looking at her, thinking this was me eight years ago, starting at Van Michael. Nervous. Everything is different now. Yes I’m nervous because I don’t know anything about this company really, but at the same time, I’m not because, I’ve already done this before.
“When was your interview?” she asks.
“April.” I reply.
“Oh wow! Why are you starting now?”
“Um. Life got crazy for a minute.” I didn’t want to talk about it today.
“I understand.” I she nods.
“Are you waiting to get in?” a voice behind me startles both of us.
I turn to see a black woman with keys, unlocking the door. We nod.
“C’mon. You could’ve knocked. Someone’s there.”
Lauren and I looked at each other then walked inside.
“Have a seat. I’ll tell Cyndi you’re here.” the woman tells us.
We do as we’re told and within minutes Cyndi emerges from the back of the salon.
“Hey ladies!” she exclaims, shaking our hands. “Come on back!”
We follow her to the back of the salon where we later learn is the blow dry room. There are two 3 ring binders sitting at the stations we’re standing next to.
“Can I get you any coffee?” she asks.
“Sure.” Lauren and I say in unison.
“Ok. Let me show you where to put your coats.”
We follow her further back down a narrow hallway and stop when she shows us the rack of coats that we can add ours to.
“I’ll meet you back out with your coffee.” she smiles and disappears.
Lauren and I giggle and head back to the blow dry stations. Cyndi appears again with two cups of coffee.
“Ok, I need you guys to fill out,” Cyndi opens Lauren’s notebook and pulls out several sheets of paper. “these forms and hand them into me and we’ll go from there.”
We nod and get to it. It’s the usual employment tax forms and an acknowledgement that we’ve received the employee handbook plus a questionnaire asking about various likes and dislikes.
We finish at the same time, give the papers to Cyndi and wait for more instructions.
The day goes by quickly. It was eight hours of going over the handbook, asking questions, training, meeting the stylists and other assistants, and shampooing clients. My head was in a fog when it was all said and done. There is so much to remember. Everything has it’s place, things are to be done in a specific way, and everyone has their own idiosyncrasies that we have to learn. The process starts over again when we’re rotated to Lincoln Park, and moved again to Wicker Park. We’ll be rotating between all three salons for the remainder of our time as assistants before being placed at one location as stylists. We’ll be attending class every Monday from eleven to eight, and are expected to have models for our first class on December first. Whew!
We leave at five and I head to the train station. My feet are screaming. I noticed that all the employees wear flats. I don’t own any and am still splashing through the waters of denial that I can handle heels at work. Maybe not these damn boots but other heels, the ones I wore all the time at Salonred should be fine. Right?
I have to wait forty five minutes for the train. I can’t stand any longer. I perch my ass on the cement edge of this thing sticking out from a beam that’s helping to hold a roof over the platform.
The train comes, and drops me off at my stop. I exit the platform then stop. Which way do I go? Straight? No. Left? Maybe. I think so. Yeah. I start walking. Nothing looks familiar and it’s dark. Maybe I’m going the wrong way. I go back the other way. No this isn’t right either. Damn! I look around. There are three bus stops. One will take me home, one will take me away from home and one will take me to Lincoln Park. I don’t care anymore. I get on the one that’ll take me to Lincoln Park, knowing at least I can take the train from there. I just need to sit.
I get off the bus when I see the train station and take the brown line to the blue line. The brown line is my favorite, even though it’s slow as hell. I think it has the best views of downtown.
Kaci is home when I get there.
“Hey! How was work?” she exclaims.
“Good! There is so much to remember! It took me forever to get home!”
“How come?”
“I had to wait for the Metra then I got lost, and took the Armitage bus to the brown line and went from there.”
“Whoa! Why didn’t you take the Ashland bus?”
“I didn’t know which one to get on.”
“It’s the one on the corner right when you get off the train.” she smiles.
“I’ll remember that.”
“We taking the train tomorrow?” she asks.
“Oh yeah!” I smile and headed to my room.
I’m all freaked out. I don’t know how to explain it, but there is so much in my head at the moment that I can’t seem to focus on one thing. I eat half a box of cereal, knowing it won’t solve anything but at that exact moment the feeling of the crunchy substance beneath my teeth lulls me into a satiated numbness and I fall into bed.

Now what...?

I’m up early and milling around my room, trying to figure out how I’m going to unpack all these boxes and where am I going to put everything. Kat is still asleep and everything is very quiet. We agreed we’d be up at eight to get ready for brunch.
Once showered and ready to go we look at the map of Wicker Park.
“Oh my gosh, this is illegal.” I giggle. “We can walk there! I’m going to be four hundred pounds!”
“This is trouble.” Kat laughs.
I found the Bongo Room over a year ago when Kat and I came to Chicago and I was on the lookout for chocolate chip pancakes. Although they didn’t have any, everything else looked so delectable that I insisted we go and each time I went back to Chicago after that, I stopped in.
We get bundled up and head out. There is no wait and we realize that we made it just in time as a swarm of people came through the door.
After ordering we sit back and sigh.
“I still feel like this is vacation.” I smile.
“It’s not going to feel like it once I get on that plane!” Kat laughed.
“I know…” I trail off.
“Don’t you start. There will be no crying.” she warns.
“I’m not.” I assure her, remembering Pete saying the same thing. I reach into my messenger bag and pull out a blue Tiffany’s bag. “Got something for ya.” I push towards her.
“Ooo…” she smiled and pulled out a box that matched the bag. When she pulled out the necklace, I exclaimed, “It’s the bean! It reminded me of our first trip when we ran over to the park to see the bean sculpture before rushing to the airport!”
“Yay!” she exclaims, examining it. “ Not gonna cry, not gonna cry… she blinks while clasping the necklace around her neck. I’m chewing on my face to keep from losing it. She pulls out the card containing a letter I wrote her explaining how much she means to me.
“Don’t read that now.” I swallow.
“Ok.” she smiles. “Thank you.”
“Thank you. I couldn’t do this without you.”
“Sure you could have.”
“Hell no. Who was gonna drive?”
We both laugh and chatter on about various things.
“Promise me you’ll go to a bar one night and simply watch a Bears game, just to be around people. I know football isn’t your thing, but just go.”
I nod. “I can watch a game for a little bit. ’Bout third quarter though, I’m bored.”
I never really understood the game anyway. I start asking questions and before I know it, Kat has various table items like sugar packets and little vials on cream spread out on the table, explaining the game.
The food arrives and we’re quiet for a little bit. Again, the weird feeling I had with Pete and wanting things to just speed up so I could get over the uncomfortable feelings of missing him have returned and are continuing with Kat.
“I think I’m going to take a cab back.” she announces.
“Ok.” The train is down this weekend.
“So I need to get my things and probably get a cab at Division and Milwaukee.”
I nod. “Kay.” We pay the bill and head back.
“You want to take that road instead?” she asks as we approach a street we passed on the way to brunch.
“Sure.” I nod.
“Are you going to be able to find your way back over there?” she asks.
“Eventually!” I laugh. “The pancakes will lead me!”
Half way down the street words painted on a fence catches my eye. They read “I love you so much!”
“Hang on Kat.” I call out to her, digging in my bag for my camera. I snap a picture of the fence wondering if it’s Rob’s way of saying hello. We resume out trek home.
“Hey you guys!” Kaci’s voice calls to us from the kitchen as we walk in.
“Mornin’!”
“What have ya’ll been up to?” she asks.
“The Bongo Room!” I chirp. “Kat’s got to head to the airport now.”
“Yeah…” Kat trails off.
“Ok, well if you want, I’m going to the grocery store a little later. You can come with me and I can show you around after that.” Kaci looks at me.
“Sounds good!” My head is swimming again. This is real! I live here and there really isn’t any going back…
Kat gets her things and we head down Division, crossing the street, neither of us saying anything, and my mind void of any emotion.
“Alright!” she says as we approach a cab. “Have fun!” she hugs me hard.
“Will do!” I exclaim as if I’ll see her sometime that evening, as if she’s not going to get on a plane, as if I’m still on vacation…
She closes the cab door and I turn to walk across the street again. My hands fumble in my bag for my phone. Whatever feelings that might hit, I don’t want them. I dial Pete’s number.
“Hey darlin’! his warm, deep voice answers. I want to keep his voice in my ear always to recall when I need some sort of calming down.
“Hi!” I squeak.
“How’s it going?”
“Um. Good. Uh, Kat just got in a cab to go to the airport…”
“Oh…how you feeling?”
“Don’t know yet.”
He tells me stories of his past couple of days, getting together with some friends from law school and I tell him all about our drive up here until I look up and realize that I don’t know where I am. I must have crossed the at the wrong street. Dammit. I walk back in the other direction and find the street I need to be on, eventually making it home. Pete and I stay on the phone a little longer then it’s time for me to head to the store with Kaci.
“I think I left my list at home.” she tells me as we’re half way there.
“Uh oh.” I glance at her. I didn’t actually need anything, just didn’t want to be alone just yet.
“Don’t let me forget coffee filters.”
I nod. We weren’t at the store long before heading out again.
“Ok, so I’ll show you what’s all around here. You can walk to Art and Science from here and when the weather gets really bad you can either take the blue line on the train, or the Division bus.”
I nod, having a feeling I’ll be doing lots of nodding and lots of trying to understand everything.
“The buses will become your best friend.” she says.
“I don’t, or well, I haven’t done buses. They freak me out. I can never tell which direction they’re going in.”
“It’s tricky at first but I promise, eventually, it’ll click. Ok, so this is Bucktown. This is where all the fancy shopping is. Lots of good restaurants as well. There’s a coffee shop.” she pointed to our left. “They have great coffee.”
I glance inside as we walk by. It’s attached to this little bakery with fancy cakes displayed in the window.
“Starbucks is right there.” she pointed across the street.
“Good to know.” I smile. “I’m in need of some fabulous coffee shops. Atlanta has a lot of independent ones but I haven’t noticed too many in Chicago.”
“Well. There are like, six right here.”
“Perfect!”
We stop in a couple of stores and continue on our way, telling stories, laughing, leaves crunching under our feet, bright blue sky hovering above us. I couldn’t be happier.
“I start work in Evanston on Wednesday. How should I get there?” I ask as walk back into our place.
“What time do you have to be there?”
“Eight thirty.”
“Oh! You can take the Metra with me. It’s the commuter train.”
Could this be anymore perfect?
“Are you serious?!” I laugh.
“Yeah, it’ll drop you off right at the salon.”
“This is fabulous!” I exclaim.
“I know!”
Later I retreat back to my room, talking to mom on the phone, unpacking, stumbling over boxes, texting Kat, stopping to eat, and unpacking some more.
“You’ve made a lot of progress!” Kaci exclaims standing in my doorway.
“Yay” I clap. “Trying to…”
“It looks good.” she smiles and walks away.
It isn’t long before I’m done. Actually finished with the whole project and I fall happily into bed.

Arrivin'...

“See. I’m not gonna miss any of this.” I gesture toward the windshield. Kat at I were on the road maybe thirty minutes before we hit Atlanta’s Friday afternoon traffic.
“I was trying to avoid it.” she sighed.
We chatted about our day while inching forward. I feel void of any emotion right now. It takes an hour before we’re up to the speed limit. The engine of the truck is so loud that it feels like it’s taking too much energy to talk. We’re both quiet after a while.
The sun goes down and the rain continues. It gets harder then slacks off then gets harder again. We cross into Tennessee and eventually have to stop at a gas station and fill up the truck.
“Do you want anything?” I ask her while sliding out of the passenger seat.
“No thanks.”
“I think I want ice cream…” I trail off while walking towards the building.
Minutes later, ice cream in tow, we’re back on the road. The rain hasn’t stopped. I find myself dozing off. I want to stay awake, and I’m trying but sleep just feels so good…
…“Ok, when we get off the exit, then what?” Kat’s voice woke me up.
“What’s that?” I look at her and see she’s on her phone. I glance at the clock. It’s after eleven. I’ve been asleep for two hours.
“Ok. Ok. Yes, I remember. We’ll see you in a little bit. Ok. Bye.” she hung up the phone.
“We’re in Kentucky!” she exclaims. We’re staying with her grandmother, and eating breakfast with her and Kat’s aunt and uncle in the morning before heading out again.
“Yay!” I clap. My eyes feel like someone poured gravel on top of them. I blink. “It’s so flat out here.” I stare out at the vast expanse of street, traffic lights and restaurants.
“You think this is flat? Just wait until tomorrow.” Kat laughed.
This particular area reminds me of Anderson South Carolina where Rob lived. I’ve see many South Carolina car tags on our way up here which has been rather comforting. I’ve always thought the South Carolina tags were Rob’s way of letting me know he was with me. What’s going to happen once I get to Illinois?
“I think I was supposed to turn back there.” Kat said.
“Hmm. You know, I don’t have an opinion.” I smiled, having no idea where we are. I’ve never been to this part of the country.
“I guess we’ll see.”
Sure enough, we were supposed to turn. She circled around and we made it to her grandmother’s a little later than we thought.
Kat’s grandmother lives in the only high rise on the street. Her one bedroom apartment is precious. The three of us talk for a little while before finally getting to bed.
I’m up early the next morning and staring at the ceiling. Kentucky. We’re in Kentucky. I’m really doing this! I really did leave. My stomach lurched and I inhaled quickly trying to catch my breath. Pete’s not next to me, there will be no coffee and long talks on the porch this morning, no cutting hair today, just driving. Driving to something completely unknown…
We’re all up an hour or so later. The sky is gray and cloudy. I called mom and dad, texted Monique, telling her I missed her this morning at the salon and we headed out to breakfast.
“I can drive.” Kat said as we loaded up the truck, bellies full.
“Are you sure? You drove all night.”
“I don’t mind. Trust me, I’ll let you know if I need to switch.”
“Ok.” I smiled. I rather she drive anyway. The damn truck scares me.
We both climbed in and laughed. “Here we go!” she exclaimed.
“Yay!”
“Will you read me the directions?” Kat asked a little while later.
I read the next few lines of the MapQuest directions she printed instructing us to merge on to another interstate in sixty four miles.
“Ok, so we have some time.” she said.
“To say the least.” I stared out the window. I think I’d be ok with driving forever and never stopping. I’m amazed my short attention span hasn’t led me to a book or writing, or even texting. My eyes haven’t moved from the window since we started driving again.
“So glad it’s clear outside.” I said sarcastically. It’s still raining!
“I know. We need to stop soon for gas.”
“Kay…”A few miles later we’re pulling off. We’re in Indiana and in the middle of nowhere, BUT there is a Starbucks!
“I’m going in for coffee! You want anything?” I squeal.
“No thanks!” she laughs.
Back in the truck, a latte warming my hands, we’re off again.
“I’ve never seen so much damn corn before in my life.” I stare out at the miles and miles of corn fields.
“Yup. This is flatter than Kentucky.”
The rain stopped sometime in between cornfields. We cross the state line into Illinois.
“Ok, what do we do now?” Kat asked.
“Gotta get to the toll road. Stay to the right.” I read the directions then looked out in front of us. There were two toll roads we drove through before we eventually saw the sign that read “Welcome to Chicago”.
“Yay!” I squealed.
“Do you want to call Kaci and tell her where we are?” Kat asks.
Kaci is my roommate that I found online five weeks ago, and have never met or spoken to.
“Um, I think I’ll text her.” I pull out my phone.
We continue to follow the directions further into the city. It’s getting dark despite it being almost five in the afternoon. Kat and I sigh at the view of the buildings. I live here now…really?!
“Get off at the next exit.” I tell Kat. Kaci hasn’t texted me back yet.
“OK, then what?”
“Turn right. We’re close.”
“You want to call her now?”
“Nope. Let’s get there. I can’t talk and read directions at the same time.”
We get to the street I live on and find it’s one way and we’re going the wrong way.
“Dammit. Hang on. I’m gonna turn around and go up a block, then come down the street.”
“Ok.”
She turns our bus around and heads down the street, stopping in front of my new residence.
“This is it!”
“Love!” I sigh. It’s a narrow brick building across from a huge church.
The skyline is behind the church and I can hardly breathe. “Wow. I think I’ll call Kaci now.” I dial her number.
“Hello?” a voice answers.
“Kaci? It’s Melissa!”
“Oh hey! Are you here yet?”
“We are! Where should we park?”
“Stay there. I’m right down the street.”
“Ok…”
We hung up and I looked at Kat. “She said stay. She’s right down the street.”
“Hmm. I guess I’ll put my flashers on.” she pressed the button and we were quiet, waiting.
Ten minutes later a pretty girl with curly brown hair and another girl with long dark hair walk up to the front of our truck. I jump out.
“Hey!” I exclaimed and shook the first girl’s hand.
“Hey! I’m Kaci and this is my friend Julia.” she shook my hand.
“Hi!”
“Ok, so you guys need to circle around to the back and pull in the alley-way and I’ll direct you from there.” Kaci said.
“Ok.” I nod. I feel I can barely move. I jump back in the truck and tell Kat this.
“Oh boy.” she says. “This is gonna be tight.”
Oh and it was. We had to circle the block twice to get it right and not side swipe another building, but we made it!
“Before you start moving things in, let me show you the place!” Kaci said and walked us up the back stairs to a small deck, and through a door that is my bedroom.
“This is your room, your closet,” she flipped on the light switch and I gasped. It’s fabulous!
“Wow…”
“Yeah, your closet is great!” Kaci laughed. “Here’s the bathroom. The other roommate, Stacey’s stuff is still in there but she’s going to move it out. She works like, three jobs.”
Kat and I nod and we keep walking.
“So this is the kitchen and the living room! I’m sorry my stuff is still everywhere…” Kaci looks around. There is fabulous amounts of cabinet space, a cute table and chairs and two comfy looking couches in front of a t.v. and a large window that looks out onto the church. “Julia and I are going down the street to get keys made for you while you’re moving everything in. Stacey should be home soon so you’ll get to meet her as well.”
“Ok.” I nod.
“Shall we?” Kat looks at me.
“Yup!” I smile. We go back through my room and the back door while Kaci and Julia head out the front door.
“I really like it!” Kat smiles.
“Me too!”
We walk to the back of the truck and pull the sliding door up revealing everything I brought. Something begins to fall from the sky and float around us. We stop and look at each other.
“Snow!” We both exclaim and erupt into a fit of slap happy, lost our minds laughter.
In an hour and a half we have everything inside after uttering every explicative in existence. (the bed was hard and the last thing we had to move…) we’ve met Stacey who I believe is our resident supermodel, (she’s so pretty it’s illegal), and have keys now that Kaci and Julia are back.
“So we need to take the truck back. The place we drop it off at is in Wrigleyville. How do we get back?” Kat asks Kaci.
“Um, take the red line to Clark and Division then take bus number seventy to Division and you’ll know where you are. Call me if you need help.” she replies.
Huh? Bus? Really? I guess I have to learn sometime…
“Ok!” Kat replies and we’re off again.
I’m so delirious I have no idea what’s going on as Kat backs our huge ass out of the tight spot we’re in.
“Dammit, I can’t see anything.”
“I’ll direct you!” I exclaim and jump out. Once she’s backed out we realize the street we’re heading down dead ends.
“Great. I think I’m going to have to back out the whole way down the street.” she rolled her eyes.
“Um…Yeah….” There was no where to turn around. With both of us looking in the mirrors and saying a prayer, we got it out of the street unscathed.
“I can’t wait to get rid of this thing!” she exclaimed.
“I know!” I laughed.
We found the drop off place with no problem. Parking it was going to be the problem. The only spot available was in front of a car on a trailer.
“I’m going to have to block that car in.” she sighed.
“Dumbass shouldn’t have put the car there in the first place. I guess if they needed it they would have put it in a better spot.” I observe.
“Fine. I don’t see another place to put it.” She pulls in, we get out, drop the keys off and look at each other.
“I’m starving.” I look around.
“Me too.”
“Whatcha want?” I ask.
“Food. I don’t care.”
“Me either.”
We start walking and stop in the first bar we see. We sit in a high top table and both order a beer.
“We made it!” she exclaims!
“Yay!” We clink our glasses.
We order a stupid amount of food and are practically silent as we feast on it like we’ll never eat again.
“This still isn’t real. It still feels like I’m on vacation… with everything I own.” I tell her.
“Oh it’ll be real tomorrow when I get on that plane!” Kat laughs.
“Let’s not talk about that!”
Eventually we roll ourselves out of there and onto the train.
“Clark and Division right?” she looks at me.
“Uh huh.”
We’re off in two stops.
“Which bus?” she looks at me.
“Dunno.” I smile.
“I think it’s that way.” she points across the street to a bus stop.
“Ok.”
We stand there with no sign of any bus coming from anywhere.
“I’m freezing. Let’s get a cab” I look at her.
“Alright. Let’s give it ten minutes.”
“Deal.”
Ten minutes later…
“West Division and North Cleaver.” I’m telling the cab driver.
“Ok.” he replies and takes us there.
Kaci is in the kitchen when we get home.
“How’d it go guys?”
“Good!” Kat and I said at the same time and laughed.
“Fabulous!”
We stay up a little while longer until I’m no longer able to form sentences anymore. Kat and I agree we’re going to breakfast in the morning at my favorite spot, The Bongo Room then she’ll be off to the airport. Sleep comes with little effort…

Leavin'...

Leavin’…
Each day for the past two weeks I’ve woken up and quickly thought “It’s , damn. At least it’s not Friday.” Today I woke up and it was Friday.
It’s hard to identify what it is I’m feeling upon waking up. I wasn’t really nervous but almost eager to get the day started so as not to feel any uncomfortable feelings. Maybe if I stay in motion, I won’t feel anything at all.
Pete’s roommate, Caryn made breakfast for all of us. It was so nice to enjoy one last morning with her and one last cup of coffee with Pete while sitting on his porch. When I’m in their house it’s as if I’m on vacation. Nothing else matters but what I’m doing at that exact moment. Being in my own home and all it’s disheveled madness sparks my anxiety and makes moving more real, so I’ve chosen to remain in my blissful land of coffee, long talks, and laughs sprinkled with kisses and sunshine sparkling through the huge trees that line their street.
“What do you have left to do today?” Pete asks.
“Hmm. Finish packing, and sell the car.” I reply. My mom’s co-worker is interested in purchasing it from me for her daughter. If not, it’s going to CarMax. I’m really not interested in taking a huge loss on it but if that’s what has to happen, then ok.
I’ve grown very attached to that little car. Sure it’s an inanimate object but I lusted after Toyota Celicas for years. All during my days as an assistant at Van Michael I would peek out the window sometimes and gaze out at the blue one that parked across the street everyday. Once I started making money as a stylist I finally bought my silver one.
My sweet little car has taken me everywhere without fail. It’s suffered two accidents but avoided many in the land of idiot driving. It’s carried some of my closest friends, heard some intimate conversations, and witnessed a kiss or two. It’s heard my loud singing, my incessant cussing at the dumbass in front of me and caught my tears when they fell.
Needless to say, the road hasn’t always been smooth. There have been incidents with the car’s possessed alarm, flat tires, pot holes and a few speeding tickets. My love never wavered though.
Months after making my last payment, I decided to move to Chicago and so the process of selling it began.
“Has she called you yet?” Pete sipped his coffee.
“Nope. If she wants it and I have to take it down to mom’s office, can you bring me back to Atlanta?”
“Yup. I’m going to school to take care of some things but just lemme know when you find something out.”
(Pete’s in law school)
I nod. We’re quiet for a moment looking at each other.
“Where will I see you off?” he asks.
“I hate this conversation already. My house I guess.” I reply.
“I’m really gonna miss you.” he says quietly.
“Don’t you start that! I’m going to miss you the most!” I laugh and run my fingers through the top of his hair. I cut it in my bathroom last night after midnight as we were cleaning up and packing.
“Nope! I’m gonna miss you the most!”
“I will!” I’m still laughing. We go back and forth until he kisses me.
“I gotta get moving.” I sigh.
“I know.”
He stands up and takes my hand, pulling me up. We walk inside and I get my things together. When I’m about to walk out neither of us move.
“Alright. So I’ll see you in a little bit.” I’m having a hard time looking him in the face.
“Yeah. Let me know about the car and either way, I’ll let you know about what time I’ll be done with school.”
“Deal.”
“So, uh, I’ll walk you out.”
I nod and he opens the door. I’m not sure when I’m coming home again. I never doubted my decision, I just didn’t know it was going to be this hard. He kisses me goodbye and I climb into my car. Once this ignition is started my head is spinning with the list of things I have to do before I leave. I decide to start with the bank.
As I leave Candler Park, my phone rings. It’s mom’s co-worker and she’s decided not to buy the car. CarMax it is. I text Pete and Kat. A few minutes later, Kat is calling.
“Hey darlin’! I pick up.
“Hey, where are you?”
“Going to the bank.”
“You still have the car right?”
“I do.”
“Ok, Gordon is going to call you in a bit. I think he wants to buy it.”
“What?!” I exclaim. (Gordon is Kat’s boyfriend)
“We just hate to see you take such a loss on it.”
“This… is amazing!”
“Yay! So he’ll call you soon, ok?”
We get off the phone and I’m relieved beyond comprehension. I get to the bank then home again.
As I race around, trying to get all the last minute crap done, I feel there is no air circulating through my lungs. Since Rob, I’ve become so familiar with that feeling and move faster to avoid the walls closing in around me. Maybe it’s time that’s closing in though and it just feels like walls.
Gordon calls and wants to test drive the car at 2:00pm. I get the truck packed and at this point I feel I’m pacing back and forth doing not much of anything. Pete calls and is on his way. Once he gets to my place I melt into his arms.
“So you’re all packed?” he asks.
“Yup.” I nod. We sit down on the stairs that lead up to my front door. “Gordon is going to test drive the car soon. He’s up the street.”
“Sounds good. Is he going to buy it?”
“Hope so.” I smile.
“I have no suggestions as to what to do right now. I just wanted to be with you before you left.”
“Same here. Why did you have to go and come in for a haircut and complicate things?” I laugh. “I was doing just fine until you came along!”
“I know. It was worth it though.”
“You’re right.”
“You want to get lunch?”
“Sure. Whatcha thinking?
“Hmm. How about Atkins Park?” he asks.
Atkins Park was one of Rob’s favorite places. I wasn’t sure if I’d go back before I left but here I am, holding hands with Pete up the street to the restaurant. I wait until we’re seated before telling him this.
“The day Rob died, I got off work before him and had a feeling he’d want to come here. I kept telling my dad that I was supposed to see him tonight…”
Pete takes my hand and we’re quiet. I stare out the window. It’s gray outside. Memories flood my head. Many days were spent walking up North Highland for the guy I assisted, going on coffee runs at a Starbucks, or getting lunch for us. Many Sunday mornings were spent at that same Starbucks with my computer, instant messaging friends, and working on my book, stopping occasionally to stare out the window. For six years I’ve watched the leave on the trees that line the side streets change colors, fall away and grow again.
Many nights were spent walking home after one too many Captain and Cokes with Kat at Limerick, endless talks and laughs were had over sushi and Thai food at Harry and Sons. There have been plenty of ups and downs and more to come but this part is coming to a close. The person I am now will not be the same one that returns to Atlanta, for visits or for something more permanent if the road goes that way. I’m both terrified and ecstatic.
“Don’t you start.” Pete warns me.
“What?” I look over at him.
“Crying. I see you over there.”
“I’m not gonna cry. What’s wrong with crying anyway?”
“If you cry, then I’ll cry.” he states.
“Is that such a bad thing?
“Men don’t cry. Sign of weakness.” he winks at me.
“I never understood that. If you gotta cry then cry.”
The food arrives and we’re quiet. I feel guilty for wanting everything to speed up. Let’s go ahead and rip the band-aid off so I can hurry on through the hurt of leaving I’m inevitably going to feel.
I check the time once our bellies are full. “Kat’s going to be home soon.” I look at Pete.
“Shall we then?” he holds his hand out to take mine.
“I guess.” I smile.
“Promise me we won’t lose touch.” he says once we’re outside.
“Deal, although you have to meet me half way on the keeping in touch route.”
He nods. “I told you though, I am bad about it.”
“And I told you I’m the opposite.”
We walk up the stairs to my house and I open the door. I had left my car key for Gordon and I’m assuming he’s still driving it around.
“Got something for you.” I walk over to the ironing board where I had a package wrapped for Pete. I hand it to him.
“Do I open it now?”
“If you want.”
He does and smiles immediately. “All my favorite things!” he laughs and pulls out the little card last. I watch him read it and keep the smile plastered on my face. I’m about to cry and don’t want to start it. He folds the card and carefully places it in the envelope. He wraps his arms around me and buries his face into my shoulder.
“I feel the same way.” his voice cracks into my skin, his tears soaking my shirt, and my own tears start. Basically, in the card, I told him how much it’s meant to me to have him in my life and how grateful I am for his unwavering kindness.
When we pull away we’re giggling and wiping our faces.
“Sooo… that card, um, I was going to write this, but thought I’d just tell you. For Easter, Rob gave me the box of cards (there is a ladybug on the front and the words “thank you” are written underneath the bug.) and I wrote one to my sponsor but never gave it to her. After he died I decided to keep the rest of them. And then you came along and I couldn’t help myself.”
The crying starts again.
“Pete, I love you darlin’.” the words come out of my mouth faster than I can think.
“I love you too. I wanted to tell you that but didn’t want to make it even harder.”
I nod.
“You’re going to do great things in Chicago. Be careful ok? Don’t walk around with your iPOD in your ears, and check the reflections in the buildings to make sure someone isn’t following you. If you feel like someone is, stop into a bar or crowded place. Um… I think that’s all the advice I have.”
“Thanks.” I kiss him.
Kat comes home and changes clothes. She and Gordon are walking back and forth as Pete and are still milling around.
“Melissa? Can you come over for a sec?” Gordon says from the other side of our duplex.
“Hey!” I turn the corner and follow him into the kitchen after grabbing the title to the car.
“Do you have the title to the car?”
“Right here!” I pull it out.
“Good. I’ve never done this before!”
“Neither have I.” I smile.
“OK, so it says for you to sign here.” he points to the line where it’s asking for the seller’s signature. I carefully sign my name. The car no longer belongs to me. He hands me an envelope.
“That ok?”
“Uh huh.” my eyes are wide. I need to find a bank. There’s no time. This should be interesting.
“I’ll miss you darling.” he hugs me and we both start to cry. “How long have I known you?”
“Seven years.” I whisper.
“Since Van Michael right?”
“Yup! You just started dating Kat.” I laugh.
“Melissa are you about ready?” Kat’s voice is behind me.
“I think so.” I wipe my face again. “Where’s Pete?”
“In the living room. I’m just going to get a couple more things and then we need to get going.”
“Ok.” I smile and walk back to my side of the house. Pete is on the couch. I curl up next to him and hold his hand.
“Sell your car?” he smiles.
“Sure did!”
We sit there until Kat peeks in. “You ready?” she exclaims.
“Yeah..” I smile, peeling my ass off the couch.
We all walk outside. Pete and I share longs hugs, lots of kisses and smiles. Kat shuts her door, I squeeze in one more kiss from Pete before saying “see you later!” because I don’t like saying “goodbye”. He and Gordon wave to us as Kat starts the ignition.
“Here we go!” she laughs.
“Yay!” I squeal and we both clap our hands, laughing.

Pancakes...

I am obsessed with chocolate chip pancakes. I’m not sure exactly when it started but I somehow discovered them and did a Google search for them in Atlanta. I found that Dakota Blue in Grant Park had them and I went with some friends on my 25th birthday before jumping out of a plane.
Since then, I’ve been back numerous times to relive the deliciousness all over again. I eventually invited Rob to join me in my delightful Sunday morning sugar high. He fell in love with something that wasn’t so sugar filled and soon we found ourselves going back again and again.
I haven’t been back since died. I think about it often, I just don’t go. I now have one Sunday left in Atlanta. I gotta have my pancakes one more time. I contemplate going alone…
Saturday was my last day of work. It was filled with amazing clients, wonderful conversations and fun haircuts. I carefully went through the motions of packing up my station. I was doing everything I could not to cry as I packed up my license and all my brushes. It’s like I had all these things to mark time with. Like when I decided to move, I had to wait until Monday to call Art+Science. That happened, then I had to tell Salonred and give a notice. The goal was November 8th. I had five weeks at that point. It’s now November 8th and I can’t believe my station is now empty. Time is moving at the speed of light and I just need it to slow down so I can catch my breath.
Not to mention, I’m still seeing my client. (Pete!) We don’t say much about this whole moving thing. We agree and say often that we’re going to miss each other but nothing else beyond that is said and the subject usually changes quickly.
Once I finish at work, I stop by Rob’s favorite sushi place one more time. I don’t know how I feel or how to articulate what’s in my head. This whole thing is becoming more and more real as each minute passes and I’m not sure I’m ready. Not that it matters because November 14th is coming whether I like it or not.
Pete calls later and I meet him at his place. I don’t have anything to say. He asks me about my day, and I try to explain but it’s requiring too much energy. He’s standing across from me at the kitchen counter when I find myself saying, “Do you want to come with me to get chocolate chip pancakes in the morning?”
“Sure! Where we going?”
“Dakota Blue in Grant Park. I gotta have them one more time!”
“Sounds good!” he walks over to me and stands behind me, wrapping his arms around my torso. He holds me there, neither of us saying anything. When he lets go he looks at me and says he’s got to get some sleep. I nod and follow him to his room.
Once in bed I warm my feet on his legs, trying to breathe deeply so as not to cry.
The sun is peeking through the blinds, waking me up. I look over at Pete trying to will him awake but that doesn’t work. I doze off and wake up several times before he gets up.
“Hi.” he smiles and hugs me.
“Hey.” I kiss his nose. “Still up for pancakes?”
“I am. May I make some coffee first?”
“Of course.”
I make the mistake of drinking two cups on an empty stomach. My hands began to shake a little. It’s amazing I was able to operate my car once we got going.
“Hey guys! Sit wherever you like!” the hostess tells us upon walking in.
“Where you wanna sit?” I look up at him.
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Over there?” I point to a table in a corner.
“Yup.”
Once seated we’re grinning at each other. I don’t look at the menu but watch him. When he’s figured out what he’s getting he looks up and around at the dark blue walls.
“I like this place. I didn’t know it was here.”
“Yeah, I used to drive by it when I’d meet my friend Les to go run.”
The server comes by and takes our order. Pete’s still smiling at me. I want to talk but don’t know what to say or how to start. I haven’t told him anything about coming here with Rob or even about skydiving. We eventually float in and out of conversation. The food arrives and he’s laughing at my excitement.
“So I was looking for chocolate chip pancakes one day in Atlanta and..” I started.
“You Googled them didn’t you?!” he exclaimed.
“I did!” I laugh. “I found this place had them and wanted to come for my 25th birthday. It was so much fun! I can’t believe I’m not going to get them again for a while. I couldn’t find any in Chicago.”
“I’m glad I got to be here to watch you eat them.” he smiles.
“Me too.” I nod.
We’re quiet again for a moment when I look up at him. “I feel like I have all this stuff I want to tell you about Rob and I don’t know how to say it. I want to ask you something and can’t find the words to form the question. I don’t know how to be with all this. I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or anything.”
“Darlin’, you can say whatever it is you want to me.” he replies.
I sigh. I still don’t know, so I start talking in hopes I’ll make some sense.
“Rob and I came here a lot. I haven’t been back since he died.” I inhale, looking out the window at the orange and yellow leaves hanging off the trees, getting blown around by the wind. “I remember a month or so afterwards, his dad and I were talking about the places we’d go together and he said “I hope one day you’ll be able to take someone special to all the places you and Rob went to.” I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t want to think about it, but here you are.” I smile.
“Thank you.” Pete says quietly. “I’m glad you did and I got to share it with you.”
I nod. “I wasn’t sure whether or not I was going to do this by myself or not.”
“I’m glad you asked.”
“Me too.” I smile. “I still want to ask you something and I still can’t figure out what it is.”
“Hmm. Tell me about him then. What was he like?”
“He was a really really good person.” I reply, knowing that doesn’t scratch the surface. “He was so sweet to me.”
“What did he do?”
“He was a civil engineer. So damn smart. He was able to understand math and science perfectly but also had amazing English skills. I’ve never met anyone who did both so well.”
Pete’s hand unfolds and reaches for mine.
“See.” I say, placing my hand in his. “You do that. Just like he did.” My eyes fill with tears as I watch my ring sparkle in the sun shining through the window. “I know you’ve said before that you think you’re a hurdle for me. Your presence in my life is supposed to make it harder to leave but I feel like you’re helping me in a way. I’m so calm with you. It’s like everything is ok with you. Rob’s the only other person I’ve had that with.”
The tears were about to fall when he says “You wanna take a walk?”
I nod.
We walk out and along the sidewalk. Most of it is littered with colored leaves crunching beneath our feet. Pete’s still got a hold of my hand and I’m trying to catch my breath.
We turn the corner and he wraps his arm round my waist. I do the same to him as we continue.
“I’ve never liked someone as much as I like you.” he tells me. “I usually give myself to unavailable people.”
“Me too!” I laugh. “What is that?”
“Don’t know.”
We cross the street and walk into Grant Park. The trees are so beautiful, the grass is a perfect shade of green, the air is chilly but not cold and Pete is twirling me around before wrapping me up in a huge hug.
I look up and smile at him before he kisses me.
“Every time I’ve been this open with someone, I’ve gotten hurt.” he tells me.
“The last time I was this open with someone, he died.” I said quietly and dissolved in tears. I don’t try to stop it this time. Pete hangs on to me and says nothing. I somehow wonder if Rob sent him to me. He posses all my favorite things about Rob but is completely different. I somehow manage to start talking incessantly again. I say all this so as to explain myself in a way.
“I wanted to tell Rob everything always. There was this urgency I felt that I had to get it all out at that moment, no matter what. I did it because I was so afraid he was going to leave me once I moved to Chicago, even though he encouraged my decision to go. Two weeks after taking the job, he died. He left me. He wasn’t supposed to drive the Jeep…” I trail off and a fresh wave of tears start. Pete is quiet, rubbing my head and back.
“You’re still here.” he says. “You’re still here and you’re still living and going on, and he’s so proud of you. No matter what happens to us, where ever we are, where ever we go, I want you to know I am always here for you, for whatever you need.”
“Same here.” I say into his neck.
“It feels so good to be able to give you one hundred percent.” he says.
“Me too! What is that?” I laugh.
“I trust you!” we say at the same time and laugh.
“It feels good to give to someone who gives back.” I look up at him.
“It does. You’re going to be just fine. When you get to Chicago, you’ll finally see what everyone else already sees.”
I kiss him. This has got to be one of the most incredible moments I’ve ever had with another person. I can’t fully explain what it all feels like except that I wish I had a way of bottling it up and keeping it with me always to look back on and experience all over again. Between the clear sky, sparkly sun and changing leaves, plus this amazing conversation, I can’t see how it could get much better.
On our way back to the car, he takes my hand in his and smiles at me.
“Melissa, in five years, if we’re still single, lets get married and have some kids and a dog.”
I laugh. “I don’t want kids, but I’ll settle for the dog and maybe a cat.” When I look at him and his expression I laugh again and say, “OK. Kid. Maybe one, but nothing plural, and you’ll have to do a lot of sweet talkin’! Even then it’s not definite!”
He laughs and we head home to get the rest of our day going.

Full...

Time is closing in around me and is no longer of the essence. I feel myself putting up walls to separate myself from any uncomfortable feelings I may be currently experiencing. It makes me hostile and I find myself turning to food more and more often these past few days. While I can see that everything is fine, and will be fine, I have trouble really accepting that I have little control over what is happening in my life. Series of events have unfolded, words have been exchanged and have left me standing here wondering where the hell has all of this been my whole life and what is the point of all of it coming to a head as I have one foot out the door? It’s so much information, experience, and thoughts flooding my life all at once that I don’t know what to do with it all.
Writing has been next to impossible. While I want to capture every shared word, thought, and feeling, I can’t pin point one feeling or thought to focus on and write out. I think I’m unsure as to what I feel like because I don’t want to feel anything. I’ve stuffed it all down with edible items and sinking into my comfortable numb place where nothing exists but what’s in my mouth.
I am still spending a lot of time with my client which has been incredible. It’s given me the chance to see that even without Rob here, I can still stand on my own, be myself and accept the love this person has to give. He’s helped me along this path in ways I can’t articulate. I only wonder why he’s come into my life now, as I’m leaving.
I was feeling extra special insane when I went to see him the other night and for whatever reason I just so happened to look over at a shelf in his living room and saw the words “One day at a time.” spelled out across the front of the shelf. I’ve been in his living room many times and don’t remember seeing that before. I stared at those words like it was a damn message from God. If I could only remember that, and simply be…right now.
I keep reminding myself that I’m the one who chose this path. I know if I stay I’ll regret not ever leaving. I just don’t understand why now everything seems so bright and sparkly. I’m suddenly fascinated by the Marta trains that go back and forth across the street from the salon. I stare up at the sky and watch the sun shine through the leaves on the trees, making them sparkle. I drive through all the familiar streets, seeing things I don’t remember seeing or etching other little things into my mind hoping to sear their memory deep in my mind. There isn’t enough time, words or capacity it my head to absorb all that I’m surrounded with and remember it. I want to though, desperately. I feel that my writing won’t do all of it justice so I keep putting it off more and more until I’m stressed out that yeah, of course I’ll forget things if I don’t write them down.
My client called shortly after I got home this evening.
“How are you?” he asks.
“I’m, um, rather emotional today.”
“Wanna be emotional at my house?” I hear him smile.
“Yes sir, I do.”
Once I arrive we sit on the love seat out on his porch.
“So tell me, what’s in your head?” he asks while putting his arm around me.
I draw my knees up to my chest while resting my head on his shoulder. “I’m overwhelmed. Work is about to end, I still have so much left to do. I went to rent a truck to move in and burst into tears. I sent Kat an email asking for help. I know everything is fine and will be, it’s just I feel like everything is closing in on me.”
“It’s a big deal, what you’re doing. It’s exciting and scary, and you’re going to feel a lot of things. You’re doing something really hard to yourself. Not to mention the trauma you’ve already experienced.” he says quietly.
“Yeah. It’s been a hard year that’s for sure.” My eyes fill with tears as my head sinks to his chest but they don’t spill over my cheeks. “I chose this though. I’m choosing to do this.”
“Of course. There’s a reason for it and I think you’ll be a better, stronger person for doing so.”
I nod.
“I’m going to miss you though.” he says.
“Oh my goodness. I can’t even handle it. I’m going to miss you too.”
Again, why is it that all of this is happening all at once? What’s the point? I do understand there’s a reason but what is it? What am I supposed to be learning?

Date...Part 2

I didn’t sleep as well as I had wanted last night. I find myself moving at a snail’s pace into the salon. I quietly set up my station and walk to the break room, trying to figure out what’s going on in my head. I had a really good time last night. Figuring out what all this feels like and putting it out there is impossible right now.
“How are ya?” Amber walked up to me.
“I’m a little crazy. How are you?”
“Yeah, I’m ok. What’s going on?”
“It’s everything. It’s moving, and all that. I don’t have much time left here. That and I went on a date last night and had a great time.” I smile.
“Really! How’d you meet?”
I told her the story of the haircuts, coffee etc…
“That’s so fun!”
“It is! I had a great time but I’m leaving! Lord! I miss Rob a lot today too. Everything is still moving forward but sometimes, I‘m over here looking back.”
She nods, hugs me and I cry.
“I wish I understood.” she tells me.
“You don’t want to understand.” I smile.
We each go about our morning routine and start our first clients. After I finish my third one I join Timothy at his station.
“Sooo… How was last night?” he smiled.
“So fun!” I laughed. “I feel kinda crazy today though. I want to tell him about Rob. I feel like it’s this thing that I have to get out of the way. I don’t know what to do about it.”
“Tell him. It’ll explain any weird off the wall moods you might be having.”
“I will.” I nod. “I think I’m going to see him tonight.”
“Good.”
My work day ends and I text my client. He calls and is out with a friend watching the Georgia game.
“Can I call you after the game?”
“Yup.”
I go home, shower, and read for a little while. I don’t know how much time has passed when my phone rings, starling me. I smile when I see my client’s number appear.
“Hi!”
“Hey cutie, how are you?”
“Good. Tired. You?”
“I’m good. You wanna hang out?”
“I do, but I’m not gonna last too much longer.”
“That’s Ok. I’m pretty tired too. Come whenever though.”
We get off the phone and I drive over to see him and his friend on the porch, both of them leaning back in comfy chairs, talking. It’s chilly outside but the air is still and the sky is clear.
“Hi!” I smile at my client, then introduce myself to his friend before sitting down in a chair across from them.
They go back and forth telling stories, cracking me up, although I feel I have nothing to contribute so I remain quiet and listen. I’m not sure how long we’re out there before my client’s friend announces he has to go. We all say our goodbyes and I head inside with my client.
“I’ll be right back.” he tells me and disappears while I gingerly lay myself across his bed on my back. I’m staring at the ceiling wondering when am I going to unload all this on him.
When he returns he lays down next to me on his side. “So what’s this family thing you have to do tomorrow.”
My heart stopped. I completely forgot I told him I was doing family stuff the next day. Family meaning Rob’s family.
“Um. Well. Funny you should ask. I was just trying to figure out how to tell you this.”
He’s quiet. My eyes are still fixated on the ceiling but I feel his eyes on me. I feel the part of my brain that shuts down when something gets hard turn itself off and without warning my mouth is taking words and making them into sentences, explaining the events between the months of February and April.
“So two weeks after I accepted the job in Chicago, Rob was killed in a car accident. I blinked and my life changed.” my mouth closed and my eyes remained on the ceiling.
“I’m so sorry.” he said quietly. “You have my deepest sympathies.”
“Thank you.” I say to the ceiling.
Out of the corner of my eye I see his arm reach around me. He pulls me into him, wrapping me up in a long, warm, hug and didn’t let go. I tried to inhale him, to relax, but my mind was still shut off. When he unwrapped me I went back to the ceiling.
“I was mad at him that morning.” I volunteered. “I couldn’t shake it and knew something wasn’t right. The whole day I had this uneasy feeling.”
I told him about being at work, walking home, then getting coffee.
“My dad called and told me. I spent a week with my parents, moved Rob out of his place, spoke at his funeral, took more time off and wrote a lot…” I trailed off and stopped talking when there was no response from my client. I don’t know what the protocol is for all this. I don’t know what is too much information and what isn’t. My head opens up sometimes and I will volunteer the most random things sometimes.
He props himself up on his elbow and looks at me. “I want you to know that if you ever need anything, anyone to talk to, whatever, you can talk to me. No matter where you are, you can call me.”
The sincerity playing across his face fills me up. “Thank you.” I nod. I feel silly for being able to cry at the drop of a hat yesterday and yet today, as I’m telling the story I’m completely void of anything. He pulls me to him again and my head is resting on his chest.
“You’re a really strong person.” he says after a while.
I look up at him. “Seriously. Why does everyone say that? I don’t see it, and I don’t understand it.”
“You’re moving forward. You didn’t stop living. That takes a lot of strength.”
I didn’t see where I had a choice. I didn’t want to go the other way.
The subject slowly starts to change. I’m there for a little while longer before I feel my eyes getting heavy.
“I have to get going darlin’.” I pull myself up.
“Ok. Will I see you tomorrow?”
I nod and smile.
He walks me out and I drive home feeling a million times better for getting all that out. I fall into bed once I’m home and sleep finds me easily.

Date...

I went to work on Friday and saw that a particular client I have a bit of a crush on was my first appointment. I cut his hair once, a couple months ago and really enjoyed his company. I was happy to see him again before moving.
“I’m back!” he exclaims, sitting down in my chair.
“I’m glad!” I laugh.
“You did a great job so more of the same would be great.” he tells me.
“Deal.”
I get him shampooed and start cutting. We talk about what’s been happening in between his last haircut and now. I tell him about Chicago.
“You’re leaving me?” he turns to face me when I stop cutting.
“Kinda.” I grin. “I’ll be back to visit.”
“That’s not the same! Who’s gonna cut my hair? I finally find someone who does a good job…” he trails off.
“I’ll get you set up with someone else in between my flying back and forth.” I‘m still grinning.
He smiles back then we continue our non-stop talking until I’m done cutting.
“Do you have someone right after me?” he asks.
“I have an hour in between you and my next one.”
“Whatcha gonna do?”
“Get coffee.” I know where this is going and my face is heating up.
“May I join you?”
Please do.
“Sure.” I take the cape off of him and we walk up front. “I’ll be right back.” I tell him and walk to the break room to toss the towels I used, get my purse, and take a deep breath.
At the coffee shop, we’re still talking ninety miles an hour. He’s intense and I’m intrigued by that. Two of my co-workers, Kristen and Timothy walk by us, grinning. I feel my head is swimming.
“What are you doing tonight?” he asks.
I’m drowning.
“I haven’t thought beyond work yet.”
“Do you…wanna hang out?”
I do, I don’t know, I’m scared…
“Sure.” I smile.
“Ok, lemme get your number and I’ll give you mine. Text me when you get off and we can do whatever. Maybe dinner?”
“Perfect.”
“You like the Vortex?”
“Oh yeah!” I laugh.
“We’ll go there.”
“Deal!” I glance at my phone. It’s almost time for my client to be finished with color. “I have to go back.”
We walk out the door and he hugs me. “See you tonight.”
“Yup!”
I’m trying to catch my breath walking back to the salon. This is my first real date since Rob. I don’t really know how I feel about this. Although I’m really excited, the stuff in my head feels really intense right now.
“Who was that Missy?” Timothy asked when I returned.
“A client…a really cute client…we have a date.” I smile.
“He is cute! I was checkin’ him out when he walked in!” Clay piped up.
“Well good.” he smiles.
“You have a date?” Kristen walks in.
I nod, still smiling, head still swimming.
“With that boy you were just with?”
I’m still nodding.
“You liiike him.” she giggles. “You could tell by the way you were sitting.”
“That obvious huh?” I laugh.
“Just an observation.”
My co-workers know me too well…
As the day goes on, the usual “what am I going to wear, contacts or glasses, straight or curly hair?” questions bounce around in my head. I don’t know. I don’t know how to be, or what to be right now.
Work ends and suddenly I’m in a rage. I leave the salon, get stuck in traffic and find myself crying. My client is not Rob. It’s ok that he’s someone else, it’s just I’m still having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that Rob isn’t here for me to go on dates with, for me to plan outfits for, do my face and hair for. It’s all new and that’s scary. I’m curious enough to try it though… just see what happens.
I meet my client at his house. He’s on the porch when I walk up.
“Hey!” he hugs me hard.
“Hi!”
“I’ve been looking forward to seeing you all day!” he exclaims.
“Me too!”
He shows me his house and then we’re off to dinner. It’s so damn good! Even though I feel a little crazy, I’m at ease with him. He’s easy to talk to and I find myself laughing at his stories.
“So I’ve had this crush on you since you cut my hair last.” he confesses.
I’m laughing again and admitting my own crush on him. “I tried to get you to come back and you wouldn’t reschedule!”
“I couldn’t tell you if were trying to build your business or if you liked me.”
“Both!” I smile.
“I knew I was coming back though.” he smiles back.
Once we’re finished we head to the car trying to decide where to go from here. Everything is going to be packed and I really want to be able to hear each other and not scream. When we’re quiet for a moment he leans over and kisses me. I kiss him back, trying not to shake. Even though my eyes are closed they are flooded with tears. I don’t know what sparked them so quickly as if on command but I’m grateful it’s dark outside when we stop. He’s smiling at me and I’m smiling back but I feel so broken. God bless the man that dates me now after going through all this. My client has no idea about Rob or anything. I want to tell him but I’m saving it for later, almost trying to see how long I can go without bringing it up.
“How about the Righteous Room on Ponce?” he asks.
“I’ve never been there!”
“Let’s go then!”
Once inside the small cozy little bar, we settle into a perfect table just barely big enough for two people between a wall and a window and continue our story telling, people watching and laughing.
“Do you wanna do a shot?” he asks.
Yes.
“No, I better not. Gotta little problem with the alcohol.” I’m surprised at the words leaving my mouth.
“Yeah?”
I nod. “I just don’t really drink much anymore.”
Somehow we get on the topic of emotions and actually experiencing them after the alcohol subject.
“Feelings are meant to be felt. There’s no sense in trying to hide from them behind something.” he says.
It’s taken me years to get that! Where the hell did he come from and how does he know this? I’m not sure what to say to that, so I find myself nodding quietly, soaking up his words and saving them for later.
“I like you Melissa Nipper.” he firmly states.
“I like you too.” My face is heating up again.
“I know you’re moving, but I’d like to spend more time with you before you go.”
“That would be awesome.” It is in this moment that I’m able to see that I’m sitting across from an emotionally available person who is interested in me. He’s not a project I can carefully pick up, examine, and try to fix but simply himself and it’s a welcome breath of fresh air.
I’m noticing a change in my own behavior. I’m able to say what I want without hesitation, without wondering “what is he going to think about me?” My usual questioning in search of “deal breakers” has ceased. I am able to see and hear this person and enjoy him for exactly who he is, instead of looking for the things I find “wrong” with him, just incase he decides he might want to leave me first, and I feel the need to beat him to it.
None of that matters now. I already had this incredible relationship with someone I loved and trusted with every ounce of my being. I feel I’ll get to have that again at some point. In the meantime, while I’m not ready to go down the relationship road again, I’m learning what it feels like to really be with someone, really engage in conversation, not have any sort of expectations, and let go of any desire to control them or myself, just have an experience and enjoy it for exactly what it is.
“What are you doing tomorrow?” he asks as I’m leaving.
“Working until six.”
“Wanna hang out?” he smiles.
“I do.”

Straightjacket...

I’ve been picking up and putting down this obscure book of short stories lately. I keep waiting for something to happen, waiting for the author to tie the characters together. I picked it up again and started reading a story about this particular character named Patrick who loses his little brother in a freak accident. In his adult life, he is still continuing his dealings with grief and referring to it as being strapped into a straightjacket. His vices “loosen” the grip of the straightjacket for a short time before it’s tightened again. I don’t remember breathing while reading. Although his experience is different from mine, I’m quite intrigued by this straightjacket reference, because yes, I feel the same way. There’s nothing I feel I can do to get away from it.
It’s Rob’s 27th birthday today. I went about my usual routine wondering what I’d be doing if he were here. I was almost tempted to pick up the phone and call him, forgetting that he’s not within reach. This creates such frustration. He was just here! Why can’t I have him? I don’t understand.
I visit Karen, my therapist and melt into tears on the way home. I am so deeply saddened I have no words to describe what all this feels like. How do I acknowledge someone’s birthday when they aren’t here?
I get ready for work after a quick run. I’m going to cut my favorite client Stuart’s hair for the last time, at least for a little while. Detaching from these wonderful people who have shared their lives with me and going to a place where I don’t know anyone and have to start over again is more painful than I’d care to admit so I brush it aside for now. I know good and well it’s gonna kick my ass later. Maybe not now, but a month into my adventure in Chicago the weight of these experiences and how much I miss my Atlanta clientele will hit hard.
I have a handful of clients that have been coming to me since my career started. These are the hardest to leave. I’ve shared the most with them and their loyalty has meant more to me than they’ll know. Stuart and his wife Kathleen are among these people. I remember when they bought their first house, all their various vehicles, Stuart’s business opening and discussing furniture he’d put in the office, and Kathleen telling me that leaving my first job is toughest, but everything is easy afterwards when I was struggling with leaving Van Michael. We’ve swapped stories about various travels, the occasional dumbass I’d end up dating for a little while, and my elated excitement when I had met someone normal, Rob. They followed me to Candler Park when I finally left my previous position, I’ve watched Kathleen’s stomach grow and deflate, producing two beautiful boys and they were among the first people to know that Rob died after my dad called.
How do I even deal with this? They’re two people among the many that I have connected with, shared intimate details of my life and listened to theirs in the forty five to sixty minutes it takes to do my job every few weeks for years. How do I handle this when I’m still dealing with the loss of Rob, the stress of moving, and trying to squeeze everything in?
Cookies. That’s how I like to deal with it. I’ve already had some today and had to stop before it got out of hand. With Stuart in my chair I don’t think about any of that. It’s when my work day ends and I get one step closer to leaving that I want to eat everything in sight.
“This is my last haircut with you!” he exclaims.
“I know!”
“What am I gonna do?”
What am I going to do? I think to myself. I shake my head instead though. “Don’t know.” I don’t like thinking about it.
“You’re in denial aren’t you?” he asks me as I’m finishing up.
“Sure am! I couldn’t even say goodbye to Kathleen!” I had cut her hair right after my birthday. I turn on my dryer and dry his hair, neither of us saying anything. My mind races back through all the times I cut his hair at Van Michael. It was every three weeks at 7:15. I now barely recognize that person, usually dressed in all black, racing back to her station to take care of her last client after a long day of constant motion. Everything is so different now.
Time is still passing whether I like it or not. I finish his hair. He didn’t reschedule his next appointment but we didn’t say goodbye either.
“We’ll see you before you go.” he tells me.
“Yup!”
I have a few minutes before Nancy, my next one who is getting her color rinsed out. I sit in the break room and try to figure out what I’m feeling.
“Melissa, she’s in your chair.” Shali pops her head into the break room. No thinking for me!
“Hi!” I beam at her.
“Hey there! How are you?”
“Good. How are you? I’ve missed you!”
“I’m good.”
I see Nancy every four weeks and she likes the same haircut each time. She was in the salon when I cut Rob’s hair for the last time. She watched us walk up front and saw him turn to face me and tap his cheek wanting a kiss. I kissed him, turned eight shades of red and couldn’t stop smiling as he walked out and I went back to my station to finish the rest of my day.
When I told her about his accident shortly after returning to work she said that her husband died nearly ten years ago. She explained her grieving process to me and gave me her number incase I needed to talk. It’s so easy to tell her what’s in my head. It all comes pouring out before she can even ask. I don’t know why I’m not always like this with other people. Maybe I don’t trust myself around people who haven’t lost a spouse. I’m scared of any reaction they may have, good or bad. I’ve noticed the ones that have experienced this particular loss completely understand my weirdness. They get it when I say I want everyone and no one. They understand my incessant need for affection and my wanting to fill my huge void with things that aren’t so good for me. It requires little explanation because they know but because they don’t ask a trillion questions, they just listen it’s easiest to open up.
“It’s Rob’s birthday.” I blurt out to her.
“Oh honey. Wow. He’s twenty seven?”
“Yes.” I nod. “It’s weird. My birthday was the eighth and I had this wonderful day, it’s just that he wasn’t here and it was sad wondering what we’d be doing.”
“I know. I completely understand. Birthdays are hard. We’re still here going on without them.”
I nod. “What’s it like with your husband being gone ten years?’
“Hmm. Well. I don’t get sad anymore. I do think about him and I do feel his presence every so often.’ she smiles.
“I’m so jealous of that! I’d love to feel Rob! I believe he’s right here I just don’t actually feel anything.”
We talk about Chicago and what’s happening with that a little while later.
“You don’t seem stressed.” she says when I tell her I’m freaked out.
“I know.” I laugh. “No one really sees it. Especially at work. I can talk all day and not think much about it. It’s when I’m home either at night or even in the morning that it hits and I cry a lot. I do the same when I’m caught up in thoughts about Rob. I’m not really able to cry in front of most people for some reason.”
She nods. “You’re going to be just fine up there.”
“I think so too.” I smile.
I leave the salon a little while later. I don’t want to be home, I don’t want to be with people but on the other hand company wouldn’t be horrible. Hmm. I decide to get sushi at Rob’s favorite place. After ordering I settle into my journal writing about today and trying to make some sense out of it. It’s weird not to look up and see Rob across from me, his hands reaching for mine. I’ve never felt more alone but at the same time, I’m ok in my little bubble of thoughts and words splashing across the pages in front of me.
Dinner is good. I leave and stop by San Francisco coffee for cake. I sit there writing for another couple of hours remembering being here when dad called to tell me about Rob. I still don’t want to go home. Kat and Gordon are out of town and the emptiness in the house isn’t doing much for me at the moment.
The coffee shop is shutting down. There is no way I’m going to be able to sleep. I’ll just keep writing until my fingers won’t move anymore…

Six Months...

It’s Monday, October 20th and Rob has been gone six months. The days following his funeral were spent wondering what my life was going to be like now without him and what I was going to do about it. I wondered how I’d feel in a month, in three months, six months and so on.
I expected some things to happen and others have come completely out of left field. Some good, some not so good but learning experiences nonetheless. I’m not entirely sure how to put this, or explain it but when he was here, Rob unwrapped this part of me that I kept hidden from the world. I was too afraid to be open, to share things, to even feel things. I somehow felt I wasn’t entitled to those things. I became a master at adapting to whatever situation or personality I was around at the time. I spent so much time trying to “control” myself that I managed to develop an eating disorder not realizing that it’s ok to let go and lighten up. He brought me out of my head and helped me to see that it was ok to simply be myself, that people aren’t as judgmental as I seem to have believed. He helped me relax when I was losing my mind over things, always pulling me into a warm hug, or taking my hand and saying “I’m here for you. It’s ok. Everything is ok.”
Somehow in his death, I believed this more fiercely than I did when he was here. When he died, it was the outpouring of unexpected love from the people still here that flooded in and filled me up in a such a way I’ll never be able to repay that has held me upright and kept me going. That and I don’t want to disappoint him. Even with him not here, I want to live my life in honor of him, taking better care of myself, and giving all the love I can to the people in my life.
It was Sunday, the 19th that was much harder than today. I guess it’s because he died on a Sunday that looked like this one, with bright blue skies and sunshine. I didn’t want to be at work. The day and just being in the salon reminded me so much of that day. I hid in the office in between clients. The door opened an hour after I’d been there and it made me jump. I had been staring at the computer screen.
“Hey.” my co-worker’s gingerly walks in and sits down in front of me.
“Hi.” I smile.
“How are you?”
I shrugged. “Ok, I guess. Rob’s been gone six months now and I’m having a hard time today.”
“Are you serious? Six months. Wow.”
I nod.
“Are you still up for hanging out tonight?” he asks.
“I am.”
“Good. We’re gonna have a good time, ok?”
“We will!” I laugh.
He gets up to get back to his client and I go back to my thoughts. I don’t even know if I can fake a good time tonight.
My work day ends before his and I go for a run. It feels good to move and listen to music. Once I’m showered and dressed I feel better and ready to spend time with him. When he comes over we walk up to the restaurant and sit outside. We’re the only people on the patio and a cool breeze is floating by. We immediately delve into our usual heavy discussions, debating back and forth over sushi about various experiences and views we have about anything and everything. The subject turns to Rob and he asks how I’m feeling.
“Ok.” I nod. “I definitely feel better than I did this morning.”
“Good. What do you think he’s doing right now?” he asks.
“I don’t know.” I smile. “Maybe sitting with us.”
He smiles and says “You know he’s going to always be in your heart. No matter what. No one can take that away from you. He’s always going to be there.”
I nod, willing myself not to cry.
“Do you know how strong you are? I don’t know what I’d do if I were in your situation.”
“Everyone says that and I don’t see it that way. You don’t know how you’ll react when something like this happens.”
Sometimes I feel strong other times I don’t, but what does that mean anyway? I don’t see it as being strong or weak but more like life or death. I could have let myself float away into oblivion, drowning in vices, not caring about anything anymore or I could live. Really live. Really open up, experience things, and feel things. I know I’d disappoint Rob if I wasn’t true to myself, following my gut and taking everything one step at a time.
“I hope that if I ever have a daughter, she’s just like you. You’re amazing.” my co-worker’s words have taken my breath away. He doesn’t know what that statement means to me. He doesn’t know I’ve spent a good portion of myself feeling wrong, bad, and incompetent. He has no idea how hard I’m working to reverse those feelings and his words remind me to keep going. I can now see that to earn the respect I want, I have to be honest, make my own way, live my own life, be an individual and damn proud of it. Everything else will follow.
I do wish Rob were here for me to thank him in person for the gifts he gave me without even realizing it. Until I see him again, I will continue to do the best I can with what he gave me and live the best life I can live.

Raw...

I had too much caffeine this morning. I raced around the salon like a maniac trying to hurry up and finish whatever it was I was working on just to sit still for a moment. Once I had the moment to sit still I wanted hair to play in.
I barely spoke to my co-workers today, didn’t take my lunch, and kept on working. While the blades of my shears flying through my client’s wet hair I wonder just what it is I’m rushing for. I can’t speed the time up, can’t make it stay still so what is it?
I guess I’m wanting a distraction from my meandering thoughts. Usually talking to my clients pulls me out but not today. Everyone wants to talk about Chicago, wanting to know why I’m leaving, where I’m going and what I’ll be doing, living, etc… Explaining the exact same thing over and over again is wearing on me. I don’t have a lot of answers to everyone’s questions just yet and some of it, I’m not willing to share. Chicago is for me. I’m going to meet the person I’ll become once I get there. I’m not running from anything, not hiding from anything. It’ll be a place to exist in where for a while, no one will know my name or my story. I can share it if I want but it won’t feel like it’s posted on my forehead like it does now. I’m hoping to be able to make more sense of things once I leave. Until then…
I still feel completely exposed and raw. I can’t sit still and when I do, I’m unable to quiet my head. It keeps me from writing, from concentrating, from packing, from doing anything productive. Instead I focus on what I want, or what I think I want. It’s a temporary fix. Just a little instant gratification.
I see myself wanting your attention, climbing over myself to try and reach it. It will do nothing for me in the end, but right now, in this moment, I want to consume you. You’ll have none of me which amplifies my wanting. I’m embarrassed at myself for wanting anything. Embarrassed to see myself vying with outside circumstances for your time, because time spent with you is time not spent wanting to eat or drink, or anything else. Nothing else is present but the current moment and when you go, everything all comes rushing back again.
Work ends and I go for a run. All the way to downtown and back my feet carry me, my mind trying to work itself out. When I get home, I start the shower and go back to my room and get undressed. I look down at my bare feet. There is a mark on the hardwood floor of my bedroom under my right foot. A memory of me and Rob laughing one night sucker-punches me in the stomach. I want to vomit. Instead I walk into the shower, and under the hot spray of water and dissolve into tears feeling completely depleted and empty. Still though, I am unable to fully communicate what’s in my head at the moment. I want to be kissed, touched, loved and lost completely in an endless release. I desperately want to open my eyes and see Rob in front of me, as if this was all a really really bad dream. I want him to wrap me up in his arms, smile and kiss me and ask me what I’m crying for because he’s right here and everything is ok.
When I do open my eyes, it’s the water that’s in front of me and I’m still alone. I finish up, turn the water off, dry off and pull on one of Rob’s shirts. I dry my hair, looking at his shirt that hangs off of one of my shoulders while I’m maneuvering the dryer, wishing it wasn’t on me, but on him. I feel I shouldn’t waste time wishing for impossible things but I’m still having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that he was once here and now he’s not.

Pieces...

I’ve had a little sugar bug following me around lately, patiently waiting to be eaten. He taunts me from time to time, nipping at my skin sending little rushes of pleasure right through me and intoxicating my thoughts. It’s like a blanket is being laid down over my grief, suppressing it more and more with every little bite the bug takes out of me. I’ve seen the sugar bugs before and more often than not, I do eventually give in and eat them. This one looks especially delicious which is a warning that it’s going to hurt especially when I bite him back.
My irrational, addict self says she’s hungry and wants the bug. My sane, rational half reminds me that every time I eat a sugar bug I feel worse after it’s digested and there is no bug left to follow me around, distracting me from life. What’s left is an uncomfortable, full, hurt belly and the life I didn’t want to deal with staring me in the face saying “I told you not to eat the bug.“ The irrational side though, knows another one will come around again and she’ll wait quietly for that while the rational side cleans up the mess from the previous consumption.
The bug bites me hard one last time before I turn around and snatch him up. Instead of squashing his ass, I pop him into my mouth. The irrational side of my head cheers, happy to have what she wanted and delighting in the delicious flavor of the bug. The rational side is drowning and can’t be heard over the flood of sugar and delirium that is pulsing through my body.
Once the bug is swallowed, it’s sharp contents scrape at my esophagus like shards of glass and the irrational side disappears, knowing what’s going to happen next. The bug will digest and there will be no more sugar for the rational side to drown in she’ll be cleaning the mess in my mind all on her own. The irrational side wants nothing to do with cleaning and everything to do with mess making. She retreats to her cozy chair in the living room of my brain and takes a nap.
Meanwhile, with no bug left buzzing around my head keeping me looking up and not straight ahead, the grief that I’ve managed to ignore sucker punches me hard in the stomach. Over and over it hits hard, stripping me of skin, angry at me for eating the bug, thinking I could forget it’s presence.
Once again, I feel raw, wide open and bare. My limbs are filled with lead, and the tears come in uncontrollable waves. Memories float in and out of my head and it’s almost as if I can touch Rob, feel his skin, his hair and hear his voice. How stupid of me to think that that an extra special delicious sugar bug could replace that, or even mask that feeling.
I’m now left standing here asking “now what?” Where do I go from here? I don’t know. I’m afraid of the next little bug that will come along. It’s inevitable. They always come and provide the most wonderful distraction until I give in and eat them and I’m back to where I started, but a little stronger than I was before. My mind is repairing itself faster after each consumption and I’m able to move forward longer and faster in between bugs.
Until then, it’s me, my grief and my rational side cleaning up the mess and taking everything one step at a time…

Birthday!!!

My eyes opened this morning and immediately a smile spread across my face. It’s my birthday!!! I hop out of bed and go through my usual routine of breakfast and coffee at Inman Perk. My friend Tom appears out of no where while I was writing and staring out the window. He sits to chat before heading out to work.
“Where have you been?” he exclaims.
“Where have you been?!” I laugh. “I’ve been right here.”
“You have not, I haven’t seen you in a week!”
“Ah, you’re right, I’ve been going to San Fran coffee this week.” I smile.
We talk about my birthday, Sweden, Chicago, his work and travels before he has to go.
“I’ll call you when I get back in town.” he smiles before leaving.
“Deal!”
“Have a great birthday! Don’t get into too much trouble.”
“Trouble? Me? Never!” I laugh and hug him.
I get back to staring out the window, watching the rain fall. It hasn’t rained in a while. It’s not going to rain again this week and I wonder what this means. Why is it raining on my birthday?
I’m trying to identify my feelings. It’s the most bittersweet birthday I’ve ever had. I took the day off, I get to see my friends and co-workers tonight, I can’t wait to see Marian for a massage this afternoon, but nothing is fixing what’s in my head. I am aging and Rob will always be twenty six. While I’m always happy on my birthday I do allow some time for listening to Rob’s favorite song and tears.
I get my nails done, stop at a cute shop that sells cupcakes and get one before heading off to see Marian.
“Happy Birthday!” she squeals from her porch as I get out of my car.
“Thank you!” I walk up to her and hug her.
“How are you feeling?”
I shrugged. “Good, I just miss Rob extra today, if that’s even possible.”
“I understand.” she nods. “Come on back.”
I exhale once I’m on the table and she starts working. I’m there for ninety glorious minutes. Sixty of which we talk through. She tells me of her mother in-law’s amazing positive attitude and how Marian aspires to be like her. I aspire to be like Marian. Her bright sweetness is inspiring.
“You’re going to do great in Chicago, I know it!” she exclaims once she’s done and I’m dressed.
“I feel that way.” I smile. “I can’t explain it, but I feel like everything will be ok.”
“Absolutely! Enjoy the rest of your day, and I’ll see you soon!”
I leave feeling like a million dollars and drive to the salon. My co-worker and I are going shopping.
“Happy Birthday!” Matthew exclaims when I walk in.
“Thank you!” I hug him hard.
More hugs follow by assistants passing by. My co-worker finishes sweeping up his station and wraps me up in a huge hug.
“Happy Birthday.” he smiles.
“Thank you.” My perma-grin isn’t going anywhere.
“How’s your day so far?”
“Fabulous! I saw Marian a few minutes ago.”
“Nice! Are you ready?”
I nod, and we head out and over to Little Five Points. I want yet another pair of jeans I saw a while back. I’m giddy and full of energy racing around the store talking to the sales people and trying things on. I find a pair of jeans I like in no time, and we’re off again.
“It’s so gross outside.” he says once we’re in the car.
“I know!”
“What do you want to do now?” he starts the ignition.
“Hmm. I’d like to sit outside somewhere or go to the park but the sky is going to open up again at any moment.”
“Yeah… I was thinking the same thing.”
“Let’s just go back to my house for a little bit.”
“OK.”
A little bit turns into hours. We talk and talk and talk until we decide to go out back to my screened in porch and talk some more. The sun peeks out a little and I’m staring at the tops of the trees.
“What’s going through your mind?” he asks.
I shake my head. “Um… I’ve had a great day. Seriously, and I can’t wait to see everyone tonight, it’s just I really really miss Rob. I’m twenty seven today and he’ll always be twenty six.”
“I never looked at it that way before.”
“It’s weird. I used to think about our birthdays after we started our relationship and what they would be like and what we’d do. His is two weeks after mine. I never imagined this.”
We’re quiet until we remember the time. We’re meeting a few people early and I haven’t gotten ready yet.
“Oops.” I look at the clock. I have thirty minutes to look human. I usually like an hour. “I’ll be fast!” I exclaim, taking off.
I quickly shower, get dressed, do my face and hair and we’re off.
“You alright?” I ask him while he’s driving. We’re going to Apres Diem. My favorite restaurant.
He nods. “You?”
“Yup.”
We’re both nervous in social situations. I can’t wait to see everyone but I worry too much about people having a good time and everything.
“Way to be on time guys!” Maryann smiles at us from the table she and Timothy are sitting at. Her sarcasm is quite evident.
“We’re on hairdresser time!” I laughed, leaning down to hug her. We are a bit late. I walk over and hug Timothy while my co-worker sits next to Maryann. Pretty soon everyone starts to arrive. Our server moves us inside to our reserved tables in the lounge. I am ecstatic to see everyone, bouncing from chair to chair chatting away. Any sort of anxiety that was once present is now gone and for a moment, I forget my grief.
Dinner is delicious. People come and go and eventually there are a few of us left talking about what the plan is going to be next. Everyone is looking at me.
“MJQ?” I grin.
“Let’s go!” Matthew pipes up.
We all get up and walk out to the parking lot agreeing to just meet over there.
“Are you having a good night?” my co-worker asks as he parks on the street next to the club.
“I am.” I smile. “You?”
“Oh yeah. It’s good to be out.”
We get out of the car. I put my purse in his trunk and we meet up with everyone and head in.
It’s chilly inside and the dance floor is quiet. We’re all sitting against the wall, talking and looking curiously at the huge black man asleep on the bench across from us. (never a dull moment.) Eventually things get moving and I’m up and on the dance floor. Misti goes with me along with a friend of hers. We dance and dance until the music gets weird and we meet the boys back against the wall and talk until something good starts playing again and we’re back on the floor. This continues most of the night. I danced with Misti, alone and at some point was getting spun around by a short Mexican that I presumed to be gay. When that got weird I was off to find the boys again.
“How are you?” I plop down next to my co-worker.
“Good.” he nods.
“Dance with me!” I exclaim.
“Nope.” he shook his head. He doesn’t dance. Ever. Doesn’t stop me from trying.
“Do it! Don’t make me pull the birthday card!” I laugh, knowing this is hopeless.
“No! You can’t pull the birthday card!”
“I can! It’s my birthday! Come on!”
“Maybe. If a good song comes on.” he replies. I know this is a no and I go back out.
Later, Misti is sucked into a one-sided conversation with a guy that looks maybe eighteen. He wants to take her fishing. We’re back at the spot we originally parked ourselves against the wall. I don’t know where my co-worker is and it’s probably getting late. Just a little more dancing…
I don’t remember the song that was playing when I went back out to dance. I don’t remember seeing Misti, but knew she wasn’t far away. A rush of uncomfortable, inescapable feelings flooded my head. It all hit so hard and so fast that I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to wish them away. I suddenly found myself wanting to run until my legs fell off, drink until my liver corroded, and eat until my stomach exploded. My rational side quickly came to the rescue and reminded me what I was doing and to stop entertaining such ideas. I found myself walking back to find my co-worker. Misti wasn’t far behind me.
“Are you ready?” he asks once I sit next to him.
I nod.
We all get up and head out, quickly saying goodbye and heading to our cars. He starts the ignition and presses the gas. I find myself staring at the dashboard but not really seeing it.
“What’s going through your mind?” he asks.
I shake my head. “I need to cry. I can’t and it’s uncomfortable.”
“Are you ok? Did you not have a good time?”
“Oh I did!” I perk up. “I did. I don’t know what this is. I’m overwhelmed.”
He pulls into my driveway, turns off the car and looks at me. I don’t want him to go. I don’t want to be alone. “Just say it.” I tell myself. “Just tell him. Ask him to stay.” I don’t though. He’s got his own thing going on right now and I don’t want to cross any boundaries.
“Give me a hug.” he says and reaches for me. I squeeze him hard.
“I need to get my purse out of your trunk.” I remind him.
“Oh yeah.” We both open our doors and walk to the back of the car.
“There you are.” he hands it to me.
“Thanks.” I nod.
“I’ll see you Friday.” he says, hugging me again and kissing my cheek.
“Deal.” I smile.
I hear him get into the car and start the ignition again as I walk through my front door. Kat and Gordon had set presents on my couch. I open a box from them and pull out soft gray gloves that are perfect for Chicago. They are a pair I had wanted but never said anything about. It’s then that the tears come. I’m leaving and it’s not something I want to think about at the moment. I look at the time. It’s after two in the morning. It’s October ninth. The sparkliness of my birthday is gone, and I’ll be back to work tomorrow. I finish unwrapping the rest of the box, smiling at the hat, scarf and book that are tucked away inside.
Next I pick up a card made by Jhoni. Her words are so unbelievably kind that I dissolve yet again. She made me a pair of earrings, making me smile through the messiness of my tears. I slowly, carefully, unwrap everything else smiling though the still endless tears, then walk to the bathroom where I start a hot shower. I smell like bar and don’t want to take that to bed with me.
Once I’m in bed and thinking I’m sane enough to fall asleep, I’m crying again. I feel completely alone at the moment and nuts for thinking that being I just spent the whole night with fabulous people. I desperately want my co-worker next to me. I don’t really want to talk because I can’t find the words but just knowing someone was there would be most comforting. Needless to say sleep doesn’t come easily…