Caramel...

I woke up this morning missing Rob so much I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I can’t put words to this feeling. It hits without warning. Simply, it’s wanting something I can’t have and it’s maddening.
I decide to get coffee at Octane in west midtown. I get the computer set up and sit down with my soy latte. I read and respond to email first then decide to look over past things I’ve written. I’ve done this before. I’ve gone back and reread things and everything is fine. Today though it’s as if I’ve physically reliving everything that has happened in the past month all in the time it takes for me to read each blog. Tears are endless and I’m slightly embarrassed at my public display of emotion. There are two men sitting on a couch maybe 3 feet away and they’re talking about how beautiful it is outside. I want to touch them, hold their hands, hug them. I’m surrounded by people but I feel completely isolated.
I can use every excuse in the book not to write. I know when I need to because it’s the time when I don’t want to. Like right now. I feel too emotional to make any sense right now plus I’m scared of the feelings that might come up so I won’t do it. This does nothing for me but cause anxiety because I like to keep up with it.
I do write a little bit before leaving and going for another run. My shins and knees are starting to flare up again and I know that if I’m not careful I’ll blow them out and won’t be able to run for months. Still though, I can’t help it. It’s such a release to run under the sunshine and through the fabulous breeze. I don’t go far this time.
Home again and cleaned up. I run a couple of errands and Kat texts me saying she’s gone in early to work at the pub for a soccer match.
“Wanna come by?”
Why not?
It feels good to drink a beer in the middle of the afternoon in great company, watching a good soccer match. I haven’t done this in forever. When it’s over I decide I need to write more but the traffic is hideous and I’m becoming indecisive on whether or not I’ll be able to focus at home or should I go somewhere else?
I decide on somewhere else. I walk down the street to San Francisco Coffee. My phone takes that moment to blow up. Text after text after text pop up on the screen. Everyone wants to do something on the same day. People are annoyed with me that I haven’t been around. I can’t help it. I’m trying to be here, I’m trying to see everyone and I’m grateful people want to hang out but I’m overwhelmed. Even with this week off I feel like I’m still behind on things with no end in sight.
I can’t concentrate. I walk home then decide to get dinner at Java Vino. I tried to write more there but focusing is impossible. I hate when I get like this. Nothing gets done and I just end up angry. I go back home and take a shower and try yet again to write.
My phone rings at 9:45pm. I think it’s my mom until I see it’s Rob’s sister Kate.
“Hey!” I exclaim.
“Hey man. How are you?”
“I’m ok, how are you?”
“Good…what are you up to?”
“Trying to write.” I reply.
“How’s that going? Is it good for you to do that?”
“Oh yeah! I need to, it just gets hard sometimes.”
We talk about her recent job interview, her wedding dress and what the plan will be when she and my cousin Shevis get married.
“I can’t even believe it Melissa! I’ll be able to wake up next to him every day for the rest of my life. I hope that doesn’t get old.”
“It won’t!” I laugh thinking I could have woken up to Rob next to me every day forever as well.
“I work for a lawyer so I see a lot of bad stuff with people divorcing and all.”
“I know! I hear about a lot of stuff with doing hair as well.” I reply, glancing at the clock. It’s now after 10pm. I think about being on the phone with Rob at about this time. I also think that this is what it was like for him to talk with Kate. I try to imagine what his responses would be to her.
“Have you talked to Patrick?” she asks.
“Nope! We don’t really talk much.”
“What?! Are you serious? How come?”
“I don’t know. He never talks and I talk too much. I knew you and Rob talked all the time and I would tell him I was jealous of that because I wanted that with Patrick.”
“It’s never too late!”
“You’re right. I don’t know what it is that keeps me from picking up the phone.”
“I’ll bet you talk to Alex (Patrick’s fiance) more than him.” she laughed.
“I do!”
“Rob would send me emails all the time and we never went more than two or three days without talking.”
“Are you serious? I would write him and he would tell me he got the email but wouldn’t write me back.” I laughed.
“His emails to me were about some part or accessory I would need when I get my Jeep. I would tell him I didn’t know what he was talking about but he would just say ‘Trust me. You need this.’ He and Shevis would talk about building me the perfect Jeep. Rob would handle the mechanical stuff and Shevis would handle the cosmetic details.”
“That’s awesome!” I laugh.
She tells me she’ll be going to Jacksonville Florida soon to see Shevis before spending two months in Montana.
“Are you flying or driving?” I ask.
“Oh I’m driving ‘old faithful’ all the way down.” she laughed.
Kate drives a Saturn. I forget the year but it’s up there in car years.
“I remember when you went down there for spring break in Rob’s Explorer. He was telling me ‘I’m driving Kate’s roller skate until she comes back from Florida.’”
We both erupted into laughter. I’ve never heard Kate laugh so hard.
“He said that?! A roller skate? He never said that to me!” she said in between breaths.
“Oh yeah. And he got stuck in that tornado mess coming to Atlanta that weekend!”
“He told me! He was so worried that the car would have hail damage.” she replied.
“I know!”
“He fixed all kinds of things on it for me. He changed the oil, replaced the wipers, and showed me how to change the headlights. He also gave me money to fix the headliner. I know it was touching his head the whole time he was driving it. It had no radio either! He must have felt he was in a sardine can. Meanwhile I was in Florida with his sunroof open, lots of room and great radio stations!”
I laugh. “I remember that! It was the weekend of your grandmother’s birthday and Rob wanted to get the oil changed that Sunday before we went down but nothing was open. He was so happy to be able to let you drive his Explorer.”
She tells me Rob’s always been obsessed with cars and various things with wheels.
“He built this ramp in our yard and would do wheelies on his bike when we were little. Later on after he could drive, he and his friends would go off-roading all the time. They rolled over several times on several occasions and always walked away. With the bikes, I would try to do what he did but nothing was ever as good as when he did it. Did you ever see his remote controlled Jeeps?” she asks.
“They were in his apartment right?”
“Yeah. Did he ever show you how they work?”
“Nope.”
“Oh, he’s so funny about them. He would buy parts off ebay for them.” she laughed.
“These boys…” I smile.
“I know. They’re all little boys at heart.” she replied.
I wish I had a tape recorder to record her every word and keep it with me forever. I love her stories and want to soak them all up. This little brain can’t hold it all. I’m tempted to write as she’s talking but I don’t out of fear I’ll miss something important. I just hope I remember when we stop talking.
We talk about people and their reactions to this whole situation when we’re having to explain what happened to Rob.
“Sometimes, I want people there and sometimes I don’t want to be touched or talked to.” she tells me.
“Me too!” I am so relieved to hear this come out of another person. “I hate that I’m that way but that’s how it is. I notice I can be very standoffish to some of my clients as they’re telling me they’re sorry about all this. I hate it too when people tell me not to cry. People! I‘m ok with crying! I just lost the best thing that‘s ever happened to me!” I exclaim.
“Yeah…people think that after a week you should be better and it doesn’t work that way. I was in Best Buy with Shevis and he wanted to look at speakers. We walk over and he’s playing with the car radios. Rob and I used to go to Best Buy and he knew that I liked the radios that lit up and he would get those for his various vehicles. Shevis was pressing all the buttons, making them light up and I just started crying. Everything reminds me of Rob. I cry at Kroger when I see soy milk. I can’t just keep doing that.”
“You can’t rush it either.” I reply.
“I know. It hurts so much to be home. I feel bad for that but I just can’t right now.”
“It’s ok. Everyone is dealing with this in their own way.”
I hear her softly begin to cry. I sit and listen, wishing I could fix it.
“Sometimes I want to drive forever in silence with Shevis. I don’t want to talk, I just want to sit there and be quiet. I want to know he’s there and I can hold his hand if I want.”
Must. Be. Strong. I remind myself. I desperately want Rob right this second. I desperately want to reach out and take his hand, and lace my fingers through his. I want to feel him next to me. I loathe this feeling of not having my other half to lean on when everyone else has their other halves.
“Sometimes I think, what if Rob were in my shoes?” Kate begins. “How would he deal with it? I don’t think he would deal with it. He’s so sweet. He’s such a softie that I think he’d fall into a depression and never get out. Maybe we’re the strong ones. That’s what gets me through sometimes. I just have to remember that we’re the strong ones.”
I never looked at it that way before. I don’t know how he’d react if he lost Kate. I know I’d never leave his side and would try to give him everything he needed but for him to lose her, I don’t know what would happen.
The subject moves again to talk of my relationship with Rob.
“He used to call me saying he said something wrong and ‘messed up’. I would tell him that he had to say exactly what was on his mind for people to understand what it was he wanted. He was never good with words and a little slow to do things.”
I laugh, thinking I had that impression of him when I met him. He was always on “Rob time”.
“Everything happened so fast with you two.” she said.
“I know! It freaked me out at first because I knew I wanted to move to Chicago, but I loved him so much so quickly!”
“He was looking to move out there as well.”
“What?! I had no idea! He said he thought about visiting with me one day before I moved but that was all he said.” I exclaim.
“Oh yeah, he was freaked out about getting too close to you because you wanted to move. He wanted you to take that job if it’s what you wanted but he didn’t want to invest too much emotionally because he’s done the long distance thing before and it resulted in him being the one to have to do everything. He always had to go to Ginger. She never came to him.”
“I told Rob I had all the faith in the world that we’d work it out. I would do whatever it took.” I said.
“I know. I told him that love has a way of working things out.”
“Ok, so I have to ask you this. I was going to ask Rob and never did. He told me one night that he wanted to slow things down and I said that we were going to slow anything down. We either end it or move forward. Was he going to end things?” I asked.
“No, he was never going to break up with you. I’ve never seen him so happy in my life. He was just freaked out about how quickly things were going. I remember him telling me about that night.”
“Oh yeah. I just got home from Chicago and he springs that on me after I had just told him I was anxious about our relationship.”
“I know.”
We’re quiet for a moment.
“Rob loved how you didn’t require fancy dinners and things. You were completely happy with a cup of coffee and his company. I told him ‘See Rob, this is what it’s like to date a real girl. A nice one. They do exist.’ He didn’t even know what he had been missing out on. He kept getting caught up with these high maintenance girls who expected him to do everything.”
“I just don’t understand that. I also don’t understand how they didn’t appreciate him.”
“I know. They didn’t though. Rob and I both liked how you two could have a disagreement, calmly work it out and let it go. You didn’t pout or be mean afterwards.”
I remember never raising my voice at him, never saying anything mean, just how I felt about something he may have said or did that may have hurt my feelings or bugged me. We’d calmly address the situation and move on. It was like I knew life was too short to argue about stupid stuff. I usually don’t let things go so quickly.
“I didn’t mean for the conversation to go in this direction. I normally can’t talk about him. I just miss him so much. It hurts so much.” she says quietly.
“I know. I want to hear everything you have to say whenever you want to say it.” I reply. My eyes travel to the picture I have of Rob on my dresser. He’s smiling back at me and I want more than anything to climb into that image and be there with him.
It’s almost midnight. I can’t believe I’m still awake and furthermore, can’t believe I’ve been able to function on such little sleep. I’ll be up again at 6am to write again in the morning and happy to do it.
“I’m gonna get to sleep darlin’.” I tell Kate.
“Yeah man, I need to do the same thing. It’s so good to talk to you.”
“Same here.”
“I just… since all this, I just want to hug everyone a little tighter, talk a little longer, ya know?” she says quietly.
“I know. I’ve felt the same way. Nothing matters anymore but spending time with people.”
“I know. Ok. You have fun writing tomorrow. Put some caramel in that soy latte and think of me.” I hear her smile.
“Will do.” I reply.
“I got Rob turned on to that.”
“I know!” I laugh.
You sleep good ok?” she says.
I look at Rob’s picture again. He used to say that to me.
“Yes ma’am, you too.”
“Yes ma’am. Goodnight.”
Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.
“Goodnight.” I reply. Again, Rob would say these exact words to me.
We get off the phone and I place it on my dresser. Everything is silent. I turn the light out and curl up in bed once again wrapped in Rob’s shirt hoping sleep comes fast.