Heart Shaped Cloud...

My alarm wakes me up at 5:45am. I scarf down some breakfast, get dressed and put on my new running shoes. I smile and think of Rob when I notice half the shoe is favorite color, dark blue.
I get into my car and drive down the road to Kat’s condo. I know that from her place to the GA Power building downtown and back is eight miles. I decide to push myself and see if I could do it twice, totaling sixteen miles. I’ve never gone that far in my life. I bring my phone just incase I need emergency assistance.
I do make it though! All sixteen miles! During that time I had my iPOD in and Snoop Dogg, Lil Wayne and Khia were singing to me, making me laugh thinking about Rob and me driving out I-20 to his parent’s singing along with his iPOD.
“I can’t believe you know all the words to these songs!” Rob exclaimed.
No one expects a lil Georgia girl to know all the words to Khia’s ‘My Neck, My Back’, but that’s part of the fun.
“I know all the songs you’ve played so far!” I laugh.
“I’m glad we have nothing in common.” he teased.
“Yeah, I don’t even know why you’re still with me.”
He hold his hand out for me to place mine in it. I do and smile.
“You’re amazing.” he tells me.
“You are!”
Also during my time spent running this morning, I contemplated suicide from the pain in my feet and I think at some point my hips went numb. We won’t even talk about the knees. When I finished and returned to my car my hair resembled that of Mufasa’s and my skin was covered in a light film of dirt. I was meeting my homo life mate Rio at Starbucks in midtown with no time to clean up. Delicious.
I got there first and when he arrived he hugged me hard.
“Hi!”
“Hey.” I feel really quiet all the sudden.
“I’m gonna get coffee, hang on.” he turns and walks to the counter as I sit back down. When he returns he asks “How are you?”
“I don’t have an answer for that.”
He nods.
I want to talk. I do, I just don’t know where to start. I also don’t have the energy so I listen instead.
“What are you doing about Chicago?” he asks.
I don’t know. I thought I had everything in place. I did actually. Set to go in August.
“I have no idea. I haven’t called them yet.”
“It might do you a world of good to leave right now.” he reminds me.
“It might but I don’t think so. I’m content right where I’m at right now. That job will kick my ass without all this with Rob going on and I know it. I have to be able to give them 100% or I’ll fall on my face.”
He nods.
We talk a little longer, get something to eat then I’m off to shower and start the rest of my day. Mom and dad come up to get mom’s car, I write at Java Vino for a little bit. I’m still having some trouble. I want to write. I do. I look forward to it but I can’t get comfortable. I can’t seem to get my head straight and organized. I knew damn well this would bring up all sorts of emotions, and I thought I was prepared for it but it’s harder than I thought. I feel guilty for not being able to sit still and focus. I keep getting lost. I know good and well that writing is process. Sometimes it all comes pouring out and sometimes I have to wring it out. Where is my patience?
I decide to leave Java Vino and go to San Francisco Coffee at Amsterdam and N. Highland. I haven’t been there since Rob died. It’s where I was when dad called to tell me about him.
I get settled with some coffee and my notebooks, trying yet again to get focused. I feel a little disturbed but manage to get to work. I notice my phone is lighting up under the fabric of my purse alerting me that I’ve missed a call. ‘How did that happen?’ I think to myself and pull it out. It’s Rob’s mom. I check the voicemail and go outside to call her back.
“Laura and I are going to the movies. We wanted to know if you wanted to come with us?” she asks.
“I’d love to but I’m meeting my friend Jeff for a belated birthday dinner.”
We stay on the phone a little longer and I find myself looking up at the sky. I do that a lot nowadays. There is a huge, fluffy white cloud in the shape of a heart hovering over me. I stare extra hard at it to make sure I’m seeing this correctly. Yup. It’s a heart. I don’t want to stop looking at it. Are you there honey?
“Alright Melissa, we’re thinking about you. Come see us anytime.” Judy tells me.
“Same here!”
I go back inside after we hang up and continue to write until it’s time to see Jeff. He’s asked me to drive out to Mableton where he and his roommate live. I enjoy the interstate for once, tuning the radio up loud and singing along, all the way to Jeff’s place.
“How are you?” he says when I step through his front door.
“I am… I’m happy to see you.”
He nods. “It’s good to see you too. Are you ready?”
“Yup.”
Dinner is delicious. It was good to sit and talk with him. I don’t see him often. For a few hours I had forgotten my grief.
“We have to do this again!” I exclaim. “Let’s not just talk about it but actually do it!”
“I know! We will.”
I get into my car and head back to Atlanta, this time with the windows down and the music up. I’m almost disappointed when I make it home thinking it should have taken longer.
Kat and Gordon return home shortly after me. Kat sits at the kitchen table with me while I write.
“I’m so proud of you for writing.” she smiles.
Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry….
“I’m tryin’.”
“I wish I could fix everything for you.”
“I wish you could too!” I laugh.
We decide to sit outside for a little bit. It’s well after midnight and I’m still wide awake and exhausted all at the same time. She and Gordon ordered pizza and when it arrives they go in to eat. I go back to the computer. Still awake…