Sleepy...

I woke up this morning after only a few hours of sleep. I had to meet Amy for coffee in midtown. I barely know my name right now, but I feel strangely grounded. It’s as if while I slept I went somewhere else entirely, got something I needed and I’m still holding on to it’s peaceful implication.
I hang on to and examine this feeling as I drive to meet Amy. It’s an interesting blessing, I finally decide, that I can’t put into words. A gift that was given to me but I can’t reciprocate it necessarily. I’m not entirely sure of where it came from but I’m grateful.
Amy and I have a blast talking despite my delirium. She just listens to me without offering much feedback unless I ask. It’s all I really need. I get mad and shut down when someone tries to steer me in a direction I don’t want to go in. It used to be that I’d put up with it, but now, I’m quick to defend my own thoughts and decisions and to change the subject if need be.
When we leave the coffee shop I drive home to get my computer and set out again. I loathe holidays that fall on Mondays. It screws up my usual routine. I find myself going to my favorite coffee shops, prepared to write and seeing there aren’t any tables available. I get back in the car and start driving, unsure of where it is I’m going but I end up on the interstate. I travel up I-85 and merge onto GA400. I’m headed for Buckhead. I hate Buckhead. Why am I going up there? I get off at the exit that will take me to Lenox and remember there’s a Borders on Peachtree. Perfect! I park and go in. It’s not busy and feels like Antarctica. I drink my second latte of the day, trying to clear the fog in my head.
This latte does nothing for me but speed my heart up, leaving my brain behind. I’m still staring listlessly at a blank page on the computer screen. Alright. Maybe it’s just not going to happen today. I can’t make sense of anything so I shut the computer down and wander around the store. I’m still indecisive on where to go and what to do so I head back to the interstate and stay on it until I get to my parent’s house.
It‘s my Dad‘s birthday. He and I are sitting outside listening to the frogs chirp. We have random conversations about World War II, and what we’re going to do in D.C. this Saturday. This reminds me of a time spent with him when I was much younger, talking outside about stars and how each of us agreed that science was our favorite subject. Although time has faded the memory, it’s still one of my favorites.
Mom and I talk for a little while after dinner. She asks how I am. I’m still fucked up but she doesn’t like that word so I sit there for a moment.
“I don’t know.” I finally say.
“You know how you feel.”
Don’t tell me what I know and don’t know. I don’t say anything else.
People ask all the time to tell them what I need. It’s taken me a while to figure out what that is. What exactly is it that I need? What I’ve come up with so far is that I need people to listen, to hold my hand and to understand that I don‘t know where I‘m headed right now and I‘m ok with that. Please don’t rush me. I’m trying to figure it out. I can‘t think about Chicago. I have no answers. I haven’t forgotten about it but uprooting my whole life is too much right now, and will not solve my problems. The city will still be there when I’m ready to finally go. I am capable of making a decision, although it may take me a while to do so. When I’m incapable I’ll let you know.
I ask for patience with my erratic behavior and forgiveness for not responding at times. I haven’t forgotten anyone but I feel I’m in a constant state of ‘overwhelmed’. I promise I’ll come around. Please don’t pull me too hard out the hole I’ve dug myself into. I’m still examining what’s down here. If I’m pulled too hard my arms might break and then I won’t be able to climb out.
I am learning to stand on my own two feet and I see where I have to go but sometimes I have to stop, sit, and rest for a while because the road I’m on is long, unpredictable and I’m worn out.
The sun is setting and I need to go before it gets dark and I fall asleep while driving. I say goodbye to my parents and get into my car. As I approach I-75 I roll my windows down, turn my music up and enjoy the ride home.