Rob...

There's this song that has stuck in my head since Iwas in high school. This one line in particular sticksout in my head when I feel overwhelmed by somethingtrivial...
"The real troubles in your life are apt tobe things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind thatblindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday."
On Sunday, April 20 at 5:53pm, my phone rings. It's my dad.
"Hey, I was just calling to check on you and see howyou're doing."
"I'm ok, my neck is still sore." I get up from thetable I'm sitting at and walk outside. I was just in an accident on Friday.
"Where are you?" he asks.
"Coffee shop."
"You're not at work?"
"No." I'm wondering why he's asking all these questions. I hear something moving or shuffling aroundon the other end. I stare at the bright blue sky. It's a perfect day.
"Daddy?" I can't tell what the noise on the other end is."Daddy?!"

It was my aunt Teal that told me about Rob Jaeger in the beginning. His sister Kate has been dating mycousin for quite some time. I didn't know she had abrother. She and Kate wanted to set us up. He calledme and we set a coffee date early on a Sunday before Ihad to work. I knew this would be trouble as soon as I met him. I was going to fall in love with him. And fall I did. Hard and fast like I never thought possible. Rob could complete my sentences and read my mind from the start. Endless hours were spent on the phone asking each other obscure questions, laughing at crazy stories, and divulging the most intimate detailsof our lives. And that was only the first week. He understood my need for alone time, and also for affection. He understood my compulsive habit and could hold my hand when it got bad. He loved me with every ounce of his being as did I. It's crazy to say all this and have all these feelings so quickly,and so soon. There wasn't a doubt in my mind. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I had this feeling with me always when I was with him.It was to tell him everything I felt, all the time,hold nothing back. Even when it got hard to talk, I'd still tell him... whatever was on my mind. He listened and was so patient. He opened the car door for me, held my hand, cooked me dinner, made me laugh so hard my stomach ached, he heard me, he chiseled away at the huge, thick wall I put up for myself to reveal this scared, stripped,vulnerable little person, who for once in her life felt, understood and accepted all the love he had to give her and wanted to give all of herself in return.

The strange shuffling noise on the phone continues.
"Daddy are you there?"
"Hang on." he says.I wait. He's crying. I stare up at the white fluffyclouds and bright blue sky. I am patient and not scared. Not yet.
"I've got some bad news."
"Oh,.. ok, daddy. What is it?" I ask.
"Rob's been in an accident. He's dead."
My heart stops. I can't breathe. I blinked and my life just changed.
"What?" I squeak out.
"Your aunt just called. We thought you were with him. I don't mean to tell you this on the phone, I just had to know you were ok."
"What?! He's dead?"
"Yes. I'm so sorry."
I stumble back into the coffee shop and gather my things.
"What happened?"
I can't hear it though...Fifteen minutes ago, Jeep,malfunction, flipped, head injuries, instant, ejected,dead. I can't breathe,I'm walking home but I feel I can hardly move. I need to throw up. "Daddy. I'm supposed to see him tonight." Where is the air?! Why can't I breathe?!"Daddy, I'm never gonna see him again. I don't knowwhat to do. I'm never gonna touch him again. I can'tgo anywhere. I don't have my car. I can't be alone.What..am I going to do? Can I call aunt Teal, is thatok?"
"Yes, call her, go home."So many questions pour out of me. I call my aunt and explode into tears. She says she's coming to get me. I call Kat as I'm crossing the street I live on. She's at the pub and comes running out. I run down N. Highland until I plow into her, hugging her so hard that I hope when I open my eyes and let her go, this will all be a dream.We go home. She listens while I talk and talk and talk about Rob. I can't believe this is happening. She suggests I pack a bag. I walk to my room and stare at my bed. He was just here. This morning. I just saw him. The last thing I said to him was I love you. I stumble around my room, putting random things in a bag while calling friends. Tears come and stop and come and stop. I keep telling the story over and over. I see my aunt and we go to Rob's family's house. My parents meet us there. We talk and cry and stare at utter disbelief at each other. Home. Mom stays up with me until 1:30am, listening tome and my senseless rambling about Rob, the time we shared, the things he said, the way I felt... it all comes pouring out. I don't know where to go, what to do, or say really. I don't grieve in public. I never have. I hold everything in until I'm alone and then it comes out.This time though... this time I don't care. It's all out there. All my crying, all my stories, all my thoughts. Out there. I feel something is clawing away at my skin, shredding it until I'm reduced to nothing.
As most of you know... I write. A lot. It's my main stress reliever. May I ask to share this process with you? It hurts so much that I have to get it out and Idon't know how else to do it, so if you'll bear withme through my fumbling words and sheer delirium, I'd be forever grateful.