Disappear...

Disappear…
We’re standing next to his Explorer early one Sunday morning at the salon, saying goodbye when he kisses me, telling me to have a good day at work. It’s bright outside and we’re both suffering from mild hangovers that resulted from last night’s debauchery. Despite the fact I can barely recite my name right now I’m all sorts of giddy. He told he loved me last night and it made my entire life. I kiss him one more time before turning to walk into the salon. I’m almost to the door when I hear his voice call out behind me.
“Hey!”
I turn around and see him standing next to the driver’s door.
“I love you.” he says in the most sincere tone my ears have ever heard. My heart melts completely and my stomach flips.
“I love you too.” I smile and we both go our separate ways.
It’s Sunday again, and I’m walking through the salon door remembering that day and how I wanted to run back to him, jump into his arms and forget all about work. Have you ever wanted something so badly that your entire being ached? That feeling sneaks up on me sometimes, sucks the air out of my lungs and punches me in the stomach when I realize he’s not here.
I’m still sleepy. I want to disappear. I don’t want to work. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be with anyone. I don’t have the energy for anything. I don’t know what to do with “gone forever”. I’m uncomfortable, and indecisive. I loathe people, traffic, and the busyness that results when it’s pretty outside.
Earlier this week I was staring at delta.com, searching flights to my favorite cities. I feel I can’t stand to sit still here in Atlanta for another second, yet traveling stresses me out in another way. I want to be surrounded by something different with no distractions. I am indecisive on where to go. I took this time off from work to write. It’s going to be hard to do that when I’m some place else, wanting to explore. It’s also hard here in Atlanta when everything I’ve ever known is right here and distractions are so easily accessible. I started writing again like it’s my job. During the eight years I’ve done hair, never have I ever put my career on hold, but I feel like I have now. The only thing that matters to me is reliving my memories through writing and somehow trying to make sense of what my life is going to be like now.
I work and finish. Talking about Rob this week has been… interesting. I notice that I don’t want any affection, pity or anything from any of my clients. I brush the subject off as if it didn’t actually happen to me, but to someone else. I’m not sure where this is coming from. With my co-workers though, I want to share everything. I want to be close to them. I’m so used to putting on a ‘happy face’ for my clients, regardless of how I actually feel that I don’t know how to be anyone else. I don’t like to admit that I’m a human with more than one emotion. I feel they see me as a little robot, so to be anything else is rather uncomfortable.
I’d like to write when I get off but the coffee shops I pass along the way home are packed. I feel my Sundays are dictated by these crowds and it puts me in an even more darker mood.
I run instead. For ten miles I run. All through the neighborhoods, trying to avoid cars and other pedestrians, hoping to clear my head. I think about flying to London, Paris, Barcelona, Seattle and Charleston. Rob and I were supposed to go up there at some point this summer.
“I want to show you around, show you where I went to school, take you to my favorite restaurants.” he told me.
“I’m off for the weekend at the end of May.” I piped up. “I was actually going to go with mom, but we haven’t talked about it in a while.”
“We’ll see.” he replied.
I catch myself rolling my eyes. Rob liked for things to be his idea I learned. I remember he had something in his eye at my apartment one afternoon and was struggling to get it out.
“I have eye drops in the bathroom.” I offered.
“No, I’m fine.” he says, still digging in his eye.
He goes to the bathroom to find whatever it is that’s eating his eye. I follow him.
“You sure you don’t want the drops?” I ask.
“No, I’ll get it out.”
I watch him for a while not saying anything else. Minutes go by.
“I’ll be back.” he says while walking out of the bathroom.
“Where ya going?”
“To my car to get my eye drops.”
I think to myself, “Lord! He’s such a man!”
Can I even handle going to Charleston without him? Is that the smartest thing right now? I need to stay put and focus on writing like I planned. I’m terrified though. As much as I want and need this time, I’m scared of the feelings that may come up. I’m scared I won’t know how to handle it. Maybe that’s way I want to fly right now and be so far away that I may fall off the planet. I’d still be stuck with all the mess floating in my brain, no matter where I end up. There is no trip I could take that would heal what’s going on in my heart and head right now and I know it.
I make it home with my shins and knees still intact. Lord knows what it’s going to feel like in the morning. I take a shower and get dressed. Shannon and I are going to dinner tonight. She knocks on my door as I’m changing purses. I’ve missed her. We chat for a minute and decide to go to Apres Diem. We talk about Rob, work, life. I can feel myself calming down a good bit. She listens to my stories and I feel safe, like she’s not pitying me, or dismissing my grief and all it’s weirdness. She’s just there and for once this week, I’m comfortable.