Monday...

The cardinal slammed into the window as I was talking to my mom in her kitchen. We both practically jumped out of our skin then leaped up to look out the window where the bird was now sitting on the deck, obviously stunned.
"That's the second one this week." Mom says while walking to the door that leads to our deck.
In the seconds it took for us to get out there the bird had turned over on it's back. She leaned down and picked it up. He was still breathing, and sitting very still in her hands.
"It a baby." she said while my fingertips grazed the top of his feathered head. I said nothing but stared at this little creature with his bright red tail and soft brown body that was sprinkled with red feathers. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. It's not every day you get to pet a cardinal.
We were both very still and very quiet, watching him inhale and exhale. Minutes later his beak was beginning to open wider as if to take in more air.
"He's not going to make it." Mom said.
His breathing became more labored while we stood there feeling completely helpless. I watched the little guy take his last breath before his tiny body went limp. Where did he go? I thought to myself. He was just here.
I stop by a coffee shop before going to visit mom and dad. As I'm walking out my phone rings. It's my friend Shannon. I sit in the parked car and talk to her for a bit. It gets hot and I turn the car on but didn't crank the ignition. Stale air blows on me for about 15 minutes before I decide to turn the car's ignition on. It doesn't start. Oh hell no. Don't tell me I've blown up two cars in two weeks. I keep trying to crank it. I'm going to lose my shit at any moment. It's not turning over. All the lights are on, so it can't be the battery. Starter? Alternator? Hell if I know. I squeal to Shannon that the car isn't starting and she says she's right down the street and will be over there asap. We get off the phone. I keep trying to crank it. Nothing. I pop the hood, and get out to have a look. I don't see anything crazy. Dammit. Back in the car. I pull out the owner's manual for whatever reason. Not really sure what I'm looking for. I think to myself. "Where is Rob? He knows how to deal with this stuff." I try to crank it again. Nothing. I sit there and think about calling Rob and think about what he'd say to do. I have no idea. I pray for the car to not be blown up. "Fix it honey. I have no idea what to do with it!" I think to myself. I stare out the windshield and take a deep breath. I really need to calm down. I try turning the key one more time. The engine starts. EEK! I drive it a little. Everything sounds fine, feels fine. I have no idea what just happened but I'm quite grateful. I call Shannon and tell her it's all under control.
I get to mom and dad's and try to read but I'm dozing off. I talked to dad for a little bit before he went out to do some yard work. I think about playing the piano but I'm having trouble concentrating. Mom comes home and we eat dinner. I feel like I want to talk but I don't know what to say. I listen to her talk about her day and watch dad clean up the dishes.
After dinner and the cardinal incident, I am stretched out on the living room floor, mom in her chair. I stare at the ceiling, letting my mind wander… It's Sunday afternoon and the sun is shining through the window. I'm sitting at the kitchen table of my apartment with some papers from work spread out before me. I'm trying to snap out of the bad mood that has crept up on me, but I'm finding it to be rather difficult. Rob walks in and sits next to me. I manage a smile but have a hard time looking him in the eye when I get like this. I'm not sure what to do so I get up and sit in his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck and resting my chin on the side of my elbow, my cheek pressed against his. I feel his arms circle around my waist, gently squeezing me in a long hug. I let go and press my mouth to his. Over and over I kiss him deeply, completely sinking into him and enjoying every second. He reciprocates and I think to myself that this is sheer ecstasy.
He pulls away and says "You're kissing me like you don't believe I love you."
I stare at him trying to make sense of what he just said. "That's exactly what I'm looking for. Love." I smile and our lips meet again and again and…
"So how are you? I mean, really, how are you holding up?" Mom's voice interrupts my thoughts.
I can't speak. I'm still staring at the ceiling. I don't have an answer. I don't know how I am. I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm anxious. I'm happy. I'm grateful. None of those words describe how I really feel though.
"I don't know." I reply. "I wish I knew, but I don't have words for it."
She doesn't say anything.
"I really don't want to work tomorrow." I sigh. "I know I need to, I just don't feel like taking care of anyone else right now."
"You seem to be handling things ok though." she replies.
"Everyone says that."
"Well, I mean, you've done a lot of crying which helps a lot and you've been able to talk about it a good bit. I think that's a really good thing."
I nod.
Things that were important before Rob are no longer. Work and the constant obsession I have with my body is not the center of my life anymore. I'm finding it most important to connect with people, telling them what's on my mind and how I feel. It's not holding out for another chance I think I might get. It's doing everything I've ever wanted to do, never waiting until tomorrow. It's taking chances and having faith. It's learning something new. It's asking obscure questions and really listening to the answers. It's about smiling at people on the street, letting someone in front of me in traffic, picking up someone else's tab, loving with everything I've got. It's about taking care of myself for once and doing things I enjoy. It's about experiencing little moments in life like making out with the person I loved most on a random Sunday afternoon that makes this whole life journey that much sweeter.