Funeral...

I stayed up last night and wrote what I was going to say at Rob's funeral this morning. It was hard to sum everything up. I had to stop and pray. I asked God to give me the proper words to convey to everyone what Rob meant to me. When I was satisfied, I decided to go to bed. I wanted to be awake, and coherent in themorning. I laid in bed and stared at the ceiling. I told Rob over and over that I loved him. I told him I was nervous about tomorrow. I wanted him there to hold my hand. My thoughts faded as my eyes closed and I actually slept. My alarm woke me up and I practically exploded out of bed. My heart began to pound again, and I want to know where the air is. Breathe, calm down. My whole body shakes as I try to make breakfast. I turn on the cd Ibought on Monday.(Saving Abel) I sit at the computer and open email. It's one sweet message after another. Some are from friends that I see practically every day and some are from people that I haven't seen in over a year. Tears come hard and fast, without warning. I grip the computer table, trying to get a hold of myself. I didn't anticipate such a rush of emotion. I respond to everyone as best as I can. The lyrics that are being sung through the speakers catch me."It's a beautiful day. It's a beautiful sunrise. I don't want to see you cry. But I can take away your pain." I look out the window. The sun is so bright it hurts my eyes. The cd had been on repeat on this other song but something told me to listen to the other songs when I turned it on. Those lyrics caught me when I was crying the hardest. This whole situation has been so full of coincidences that it takes my breath away.
Alright. Take a shower. When I start having trouble focusing on what I need to do, I stop, take a deep breath and keep going. I do my make-up and hair. I put on the delicious smelling lotion that he loved, and slip on my favorite black dress. Kat comes to get me and off we go. I am overwhelmed by how many people are lined up outside. We park and walk up to meet everyone. I link my arm through Kat's andhang on tight. I see my grandparents, my parents, my cousin Stacy, and Nathan. I squeeze Stacy hard and the tears return. I latch on to Nathan even harder. It means so much to me to have him here. Rob's youngest sister Lesley tells me she'd like me to come with her to be with their family before the service. We walk into the room. It's full. Everyone introduces themselves and the preacher walks in. He says a prayer and reads Psalm 23. I.Can't.Stop.Crying. His sister Laura holds my hand as we walk into the sancuary. It's packed. There are people standing thein back. It's amazing. I sit between his mom and Laura. We sing the "Battle Hymn of the Republic" then Kate speaks. She pauses for a moment and I pray that God gives her the stregnth to move forward and say what she needs to say. She begins and tells funny stories about her and Rob when they were little,moving through his life to college and what a wonderful brother he was, and how she'll always be in his shadow. She spoke so beautifully and perfectly. Everyone clapped. I was next. I didn't have time to really go over and practice this. I trusted that Rob was with me, holding my hand and that I would get through it without breaking down. I stood, and walked passed his casket, trying to breathe as I approached the podium. I placed the printed words out in front ofme and looked up and out at a sea of faces. Wow. I felt calm though. It felt like I was in a room full of friends that I've had all my life. I felt loved. I introduced myself and told everyone that I wanted to share with them what a special person Rob was to me. I told the story of how Rob and I met, and I closed with,"Rob understood and accepted me, as I am, right from the start. He read my mind and completed my sentences. He opened doors for me and pulled out my chair when we went out to dinner. He cooked for me. He listened to me, held my hand when I had a bad day, or just because. He made me laugh so hard my stomach hurt, and he treated me as if I was the most precious person to ever walk the Earth. By receiving his love, I learned to accept it, cherish it, and give it back. Never have I ever loved someone so much, simply for who he was. Even though our time together was short I feel so incredibly lucky that our paths crossed. He taught me so much about giving and receiving love. I am forever grateful. I'll forever have a very special place in my heart for him."
As I was looking out, I caught the eyes of Nathan, my first love, looking up at me and smiling from ear to ear. That meant so much. Everyone clapped.I stepped down, and passed the casket. His dad hugged me hard. I let myself cry then. The service ended with the song "How Great Thou Art." We follow the casket out. This isn't real. This isn't happening to me. Laura holds my hand as we step outside into the warm sunshine. My family comes out behind us. They all hug me and tell me what a beautiful job I did. All kinds of people come up to me saying this. His uncle hugs me hard and says,
"I know Rob heard you."
I hope so. I ride in his car with his parents and Lesley. His dad said such kind things to me. He said no one would want to speak after Kate and me because we'd already blown them out of the water. Rob's mom shares that the timing of everything has been so perfect, even though the situation has been tragic.
"Rob started working for Robbie, the day he met you, and we started keeping his dog, Jake on the weekends. We were able to get used to his routine andnow we have him."
Rob's dad shares that he had to give$500 to the funeral directors and the ATM only let himwithdrawl $400. He was going to get the other $100later. When he went to the funeral home and countedout the money, there was $500 there. No explanationfor that. Crazy.
We go to the grave site. Rob's family lets me sit upfront with them. I stare at the casket hovering over the grave. I barely hear what the pastor is saying. Just staring at the container that my dear sweet love is now residing in. Everything is suddenly finished. I quickly turn to my mom and Kat and hug them. Nathan comes over and hugs me. Mom puts her arms around us and says to Nathan, "You've always been there forher."
"Yes you have." I whisper. A fresh wave of tears come as I hug him again. I feel him cry.
"I love you." I smile at him.
"I love you too. Call me anytime."
" I will." More people come up to say hello and to say thanks for what I had to say this morning. I'm filled with somuch love that I'm beaming. I'm standing alone when I hear a voice behind me.
" Hey Melissa." I turn to see a guy I grew up with at church. I haven't seen him in over 10 years. I throw my arms around him.
"I grew up with Rob." he says into my hair.
"Oh my gosh!" I squeak. "Amazing."
I hang onto him a little longer while we stare at the casket. He's taken away by Rob's dad and I wander to find my mom.We eat lunch at the church's fellowship hall then my aunt and I go to hang out at Starbucks and talk. The only word to describe how today went is magical. Everything was so perfect. I feel that through meeting Rob, I've learned to open up to people. He's lifted me up this week and given me the stregnth to be myself,to talk, to share, to laugh, to cry, to love. I feel I've grown so much emotionally, grown in a way I never thought possible. My heart aches because he's not here for me to physically tell him this but I know he's with me, in my heart and watching over me all the time.