Jacksonville...

My legs feel like lead as I walk through the sliding glass doors of Atlanta's airport. It's Friday. I walk to the kiosk and check in. My eyes are welling up with tears as I watch my fingers press the images on the computer screen. My heart feels as if it's physically floating and is going to explode out of my body at any given moment. I remind myself to keep it together as I approach security. I walk through the line with a sea of strangers. My head is swimming. I land in Jacksonville Florida shortly after. I'm going to hang out with my mom's sister Cheryl, my brother and my grandparents. This is a welcome distraction. Upon seeing her, my legs feel light and normal again, and my heart returns to it's grounded position. The whole afternoon was spent talking and catching up. She tells me we're going to see James tomorrow in St Augustine. My head begins to swim again. James is a psychic that I saw in November with my aunt Cheryl and her best friend Lynn. I went in with an open mind and zero questions. After a few minutes he managed to dig up some pretty deep stuff. I decided to see him again after losing Rob. I woke up Saturday morning feeling short of breath again. It's as if something is squeezing my heart. My stomach lurches every time the reality of Rob's death hits me in the face each morning. It's as if I expect to wake up and have something different happen. Like maybe I'll wake up from this nightmare and he'll be next to me, laughing at my insanity. I try to write in my journal. I'm stuck on the day he died. Slowly I'm getting through it. I keep a notebook with me always so I can write down whatever thought or memory pops into my head. I'll catch everything up at some point. Right now I want to share everything with you and maybe not so much with myself. I shower, cry, and get dressed. Everything I do is done slowly, deliberately, and with care. I'm beginning to grasp what it feels like to be gentle with myself, to allow myself this valuable time. I don't want to self medicate. There aren't enough pills, alcohol, or cookies in the world to bring him back. As hard as all this is, I want to feel it, experience it, learn from it and keep going. Aunt Cheryl and I go down to St Augustine and into the cute little house that James works in. He remembers meeting me before but doesn't remember what we had talked about. I have an hour with him. My heart is pounding and I'm shaking as I sit at small table across from him. He tells me to choose a deck of cards that I feel drawn to. I pick a deck that looks like a shirt Rob would wear. They're white with a blue linear design on them. James begins by exposing the first card. He says there have been some irreconcilable differences in my life lately. He pulls another card. "You've been dealing with some heartbreak." I nod, the tears coming again. I tell him I lost Rob and I want to know where he is, is there anything I need to know, and is there anything I need to tell his family. "I've never felt like this about anyone before. It was so intense." I explain. James nods and pulls another card. "Hmm. Soul mates. He was your soul mate and that's why you've never felt like this before. You have had past loves with him before. Probably three different times." He pulls more cards and tells me Rob is in a good place and wants very much to talk with us. I'm strangely calm despite my shaking limbs. James tells me that Rob isn't close to his angels right now. He's still in shock and wants some space before he gets to why this happened. "He's trying to discover why he's not alive." He asks Rob if there's anything he wants to say to me. James pulls more cards. "He's saying that he wants you to remember him as strong and vital, enthusiastic, full of integrity and very much a partner of yours." I smile and nod. "He also want you to develop your intuitive abilities. He knows you have them, you just have to use them." This was an ongoing thing with me and Rob. He knew I was a master people pleaser and would have none of it. "I know you have an opinion, Melissa." he'd often tell me.The conversation moves to his family. He (Rob) worries about his mom. I am to help her emotionally through all this. James says if anyone is to benefit from this happening, it's me and Rob's mother. He says (while pulling more cards) that Rob wants to tell his mom to celebrate and be happy, start a business, look at her relationship with her husband, think of memories of Rob as a child and don't worry so much about everyone else and take care of herself.James then asks if Rob's burial is what he wanted, after I tell him that whole story. " He's saying yes. Symbolically, you did a huge thing." "Good." I smile.James then asks "Rob what were you most proud of when you were here? (more cards are pulled) He says he had good ideas, he made good choices, he was against people taking advantage of others, he was a gentleman a scholar, and an overachiever protecting his mother." Tears are uncontrollable now. It's all true. That's who he was. He then asks "Rob, if you were given one more year with us, what would you do differently? He says he'd love more,be closer to God,and spend quality time alone." The subject changes to my career and other opportunities. I want to be an author. "Melissa. You have to write." James says after pulling up more cards. "If not for yourself, then for other people. Rob feels you wouldn't find happiness unless you pursued it. In fact, he believed so strongly in the power of your communication that he was willing to give his life so your life could be bigger. He knew it would take the most tremendous loss of all to force you to do that. He promises to meet you half way if you just start." I'm freakin' bawling. Rob said right from the start that I needed to get moving and write more. He believed in me one hundred percent. Before meeting him I had been searching for the carefree seven year old I once was. She got lost and buried along my journey through life. Something else took over and I became terrified to be myself, scared to say anything or express myself, afraid of what people might think of me. Every now and then I'd catch a glimpse of her, but she'd disappear. Rob slowly pulled her out of me. His death was her life. Since losing him things that were important are no longer. I feel that part of myself is standing on wobbly kid legs, learning to walk again. Eventually she'll run, laugh, be silly, and I'll be whole again.Our session ends. There is soooo much information, that I couldn't take it all in or write it all out so I'm sharing what I got from it. I tell my aunt and she told me that years ago she and my mom both said it would take something tragic happening to me to open my eyes. I'm awake alright. I now recognize the value of my life. I walked around all day with this feeling of being enveloped in something comforting. There is so much in my head that I'm dying to get out but I can't find a way to communicate it. Lots of intuitive things... I manage to get some sleep.