Substance abuse...

Substance abuse…
It’s really late. I should be in bed, asleep but I can’t. My head is spinning and the tears won’t stop.
So I should tell you something that I normally don’t vocalize. For nearly 8 years now I’ve battled a compulsive eating disorder. I eat when I’m stressed, when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m angry, when I’m bored… the list is endless. When it first started I would eat a little of this or a little of that every day just to “quiet my head”. Over time the amount of food increased dramatically to where I was stuck in the middle of full blown binges two to three times a week. I’ve eaten to the point to where my teeth hurt, to where my stomach aches so badly I have to sleep to forget about what I just did to myself.
I finally got to a point where I ‘hit bottom’ and found Overeaters Anonymous. Over time and through weekly meetings I’ve managed to complete a 12 Step program and have found a sponsor who keeps me accountable. The most sobering words I’ve ever said were “Hi. I’m Melissa and I’m a compulsive overeater.” I’m coming up on six months now with no binging.
I told Rob about this within three days of knowing him. I don’t know why I told him so soon. It usually takes me ages to open up about this and even then I won’t disclose everything. I guess I told him because it’s a huge part of my life. I finally accept that I have this problem and I need my significant other to accept it as well if we’re going to continue. And accept it he did. He understood completely without me having to explain every last detail. He just ’got’ it. I didn’t feel like such a freak show when telling him about going to meetings and writing my sponsor about what I eat every day. This came to me as such a relief that it helped me to share more of myself with him and vice versa. When things got hard he’d simply remind me, “I’m right here. I’m always here for you. You can come to me.”
It’s not like I didn’t believe him, it’s just that I didn’t see why he wanted to bother with me. I told him once, “I believe that you love me, I just don’t know why.” I hate I had those thoughts.
I tried to take care of myself when he was literally here with me. It was a constant battle. I felt safe with him but at the same time I could feel myself sliding back into old habits like cleaning my plate when we were out, forgetting to pay attention that my stomach said I was full 30 minutes ago. Alcohol was a problem. Drinking with food only made the eating worse. Sometimes I couldn’t talk about what was going on in my head so I’d write him. I’d mail the letters on occasion or just wait until I saw him to give them to him. He always just quietly read them and on most occasions, put them away. It’s all I ever needed. I didn’t expect him to fix it, just listen. Sometimes I’d have to remind him of that when he tried to offer feedback, telling him it’s not something he can change about me or fix. I just need to know he’s there.
Then he was gone. Instantly. For days following his death, I didn’t eat much or sleep. I was somehow reminded that I had to take care of myself. I can’t explain this feeling but it was intense and made me stand up open my eyes and put one foot in front of the other. It made me see that everything is to be done one step at a time. I could now understand what it meant to trust in something greater than myself. Everything I’ve ever learned in OA became very clear when Rob died. I could now see that the food (or whatever substance) will not ‘fix’ the current situation. It won’t bring him back. It won’t do anything but temporarily mask what’s really going on if I choose to go back down that road. I finally saw that I was looking for love the whole time I was eating my way into oblivion. I had found that love was finally able to receive it and in doing so the obsession with food fell away.
It’s not entirely gone though. It sometimes takes on the form of something else. With Rob being gone I feel I’m stumbling around in the dark pushing buttons trying to find a ‘fix’ that will fill the void from losing him. I give into things only to feel worse about it later. I clearly see that in doing this, I’m going down the wrong path. I clearly see that I’m only trying to fill this void and take my mind off losing him and in return I’m hurting myself so deeply that I’ll get sucked right back into the insanity of this ’disease’, this time though it won’t be food I’ll give into. I will then end up working twice as hard to dig myself out of the mess I’ve gotten into.
At the current moment I feel angry with myself for trying to control the situation instead of letting God handle it. Every time I become overly confident, thinking I can handle a sketchy situation I fail. The definition of crazy is to keep doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. This time instead of falling into a complete relapse I’m trying to understand that I am not perfect. I will make mistakes and I’ll have to move on from them and let them go. Until then, I’m gonna try and get some sleep.