Run...

It's Friday again. Only this time, I'm at work and not wrapped up in the warm comfort of my aunt's home in Florida. I feel open and raw. Random bouts of anger flooded though my veins this morning. Tiny little things will set me off. I know it's simply because Rob's gone and I know that he's not coming back. I'll never get to do it again. I am not angry with God. I know He's got a plan out there somewhere, I just can't see it right now. I'm trying to sit tight and get through this one step at a time.
I manage to work. One client at a time. I don't talk about it to anyone until my 3:30, Gregg. I've been doing his hair for years now. He's heard all about Rob during previous haircuts.
"What's going on with ya?" he asks as he sits in my chair.
"Um… a lot. I have something to tell you."
"You're getting married!"
Ouch.
"No, uh…"
"You're moving?" he interrupts
Not yet.
"No… um…. It's not good…" I can't say it. The words will not come out of my mouth.
Gregg says nothing and waits for me to speak.
"I…" I sigh. "Um…my boyfriend was killed in a car accident last week."
"Oh my God I'm so sorry." he quietly exclaims, his eyes open wider. "I can't believe that. Are you ok?"
"As well as can be expected." I nod. My eyes begin to tear. I will not lose it. I remind myself. Must. Keep. It. Together. I am a master at hiding my feelings, which isn't something to necessarily be super proud of… but I need this skill to get me through my work day.
"Melissa, really I am so so sorry."
"Thank you." I nod. I don't know what to say. "Let's get you shampooed."
He stands and hugs me. I bite the inside of my face to keep from completely breaking down.
I'm proud of the haircut I managed to deliver. I enjoy men's haircuts but lately, it's been hard. It all reminds me of Rob. He was thrilled when I asked if I could cut his hair. I enjoyed the whole process with him.
It doesn't dawn on me that when I finish with work, I won't be rushing home to get all gussied up for him. My last client walks out the door, I pack up and think, now what? I've been alone before and have entertained myself just fine. It's different this time. I didn't choose this. It's like I'm in a bubble. I almost feel my brain (or maybe it's God) is protecting me from feeling everything all at once. I'm still not able to fully recover the memories because something is telling me I can't handle it just yet. Very slowly, I get a glimpse of the life we briefly shared together. Lord, I miss him.
I arrive at my house after sitting in traffic on N. Highland for twice the amount of time I'm used to. Run, I think to myself. I need to run. My iPOD has currently taken up temporary residence in my Celica and I don't have a back up. I normally won't run without it but I need to be outside and out of my house.
I pull on my shorts, t-shirt, and slip my feet into my shoes. I leave my phone on the kitchen table and walk out the door. I bound out of the driveway and on to the street, further and further away from the place that holds most our memories. I won't hear the split second sound of his car horn as he locks the door, I won't see his face peering through the glass window on my front door, his dog Jake won't be tearing through the house, I won't kiss him hello, or look into his beautiful eyes, so happy to see him. I won't fix dinner with him, listen about his day or tell him about mine. I won't have sex with him, or curl up with him only to leave in the middle of the night because of his snoring. It's not real. I have a feeling I'll be saying this for a very long time. There is no going back and that's what hurts the most.
It's been years since I've been running without music attached to my head. All I can hear now besides the cars, is my breath, inhaling and exhaling and my feet striking the pavement. Sweat is trickling down my spine, a breeze is lifting up my hair. I imagine him running with me. I always wanting to run with him but he always backed out of it. I ran all the way to I75 and back. It was almost effortless.
I unlocked the front door and stepped inside when I finally returned. The sun is beginning to set. I'm still alone and still not quite able to accept it. My phone is lighting up, telling me I've missed a call. It's my aunt Teal. She wants to get dinner. Oh I need that more than anything right now…company.
We meet up for pizza and talk and talk and talk. It's so nice to be with her. Sometimes… I think God talks to us through other people. I've really started to examine that lately. She's telling me all these sweet things that Rob has said to me before. This whole experience has definitely raised a lot of questions. What drives me crazy is that I can't get a straight answer from any human being. I have to form my own opinion through my own experiences and my own faith.
It's after eleven when we finally get back to my house. My cousin, Shevis calls her to tell her he just proposed to Rob's sister Kate. EEK! So excited! Of course there is this part of me that wants to break down completely, thinking I'll never have that with Rob, but I can't. I really am so happy for them. Kate is a fabulous addition to our family.
"You know Rob would've done the same thing if he were here." my aunt smiles at me.
"Yup." I smile back. There wasn't a doubt in my mind that we'd get married.
She makes sure I get in ok. I lock the door behind me and wander to my room. Jake's blanket isn't on my floor tonight and neither are his food and water bowls. I begin to peel off my clothes. Rob's not in the bathroom. I pull on a shirt of his. He's not in bed. I pull on his pajama pants. There are no kisses that land on my face in the dark. I crawl into bed trying to figure out how I'm going to learn to sit with this and be ok with it. This is my new normal.