Next Day...

I was up at 5:30am. I can't sleep. I didn't want momto leave me last night. I don't want to be alone...for once in my life I can now say that yes, I need people. Lots of them. I write for a while. I text my high school sweetheart,Nathan at 6:40am. "Are you awake?"
The sun comes up. I eat breakfast but it tastes like cardboard. I stare into space, not accepting the reality that is my life at the moment. I cry. I write some more. How do I put all this into words? How do I explain how I feel? There is so much. There are somany memories that I want to etch into my mind so as to never ever forget. How do I explain how he looked at me? Like I was the only person in the world. His bright green eyes sparkled so much. How do I convey what it is I felt when I was with him? What it felt like to sink into him. It was the safest I've ever felt. My body is wrapped in a shirt that belonged to him andsome pajama pants that I *stole*. I'm reaching for anything I can grasp that might have something to do with him. Mom wakes up. We talk forever. I tell her that Rob was the answer to my prayers. He taught me to accept love,to be myself, and that my life was valuable. I was just getting to a place where I was realizing that when God placed him in my life...cementing it. I was mad at first because I'm moving to Chicago. Why now? Why is he here now and where was he ages ago? I let go of that and just thanked God that he blessed my life with this amazing person.
Mom and I go to Atlanta to get clothes and things. We meet my grandparents and my cousin for lunch. Nathan texted me back and we meet up. I can't stop crying. He doesn't know what happened. He just held me. When I can speak, I tell him that I have to tell him the whole story. He listens patiently. I tell him that Rob's best friend Robby goes to church with Nathan and they were working on their preacher's boat. Nathan interupts me,
"There was an accident."
"How do you know that?"
"The pastor told me this morning after Robby called him. I'm so sorry."
My eyes fill with tears again. I finish everything Iwanted to say and he held me again.
"I have something to tell you." he says.
I nod.
"I had a dream last night. I was in a field by myself.It was dark and I didn't know where I was. I heard a car accident and someone screamed. I felt everything that person who screamed felt at that moment. It was so intense that it woke me up. I've never felt that in my life. Then I got your text message."
We're both crying now.
"I'm so glad you got the chance to have what you hadwith him. I'm glad he was good to you."
I stay and talk with Nathan for a while before he has to go. I go to Best Buy and get a cd that Rob bought last week. I then decided to go to the Shane company. I'd like to have a band of diamonds to have in memory of Rob. I wanted to marry him. The woman who helped me was amazing. I tried on all kinds of things, waiting for that feeling that let's you know you've found what you're looking for. I found one sparkly that I was pretty sure I wanted, until she produced a band she found in the stockroom. Before she placed it on myhand, I knew that it was what I was looking for. The diamonds were a perfect size, and the white gold looked strong and sturdy, much like Rob. It looked like something he would buy. It was a perfect fit. I wore it out of the store. Home. I'm by myself. Mom and dad are out. I listen tothe cd I just bought and cried so hard I thought I might squeeze my eyes out of my head. I see the pictures of us and think, honey where are you? I miss you. Come here. You were just here. I just saw you.You were just at my door. My cousin calls and says that he and two of Rob'ssisters (Kate and Laura) are going to Athens to their dorms then going to Anderson SC to Rob's apt in the morning to pack everything up and put it into storage."You can come if you want.""I'm there." He picks me up and off we go. We're fairly quiet onthe way up to Athens. Laura holds my hand while I cry."It's ok. I'll take care of you." she whispers. Athens. We all stay up and chat a while. None of us can sleep. Kate goes upstairs and my cousin and I talk.
"I've never seen Rob so happy in his whole life than when he met you. He's never talked about a girl theway he talked about you. He was always saying how amazing you were and how much fun ya'll were having."
I hug him. We tell a few more stories and I head upstairs. Kate is getting clothes ready for tomorrow. We talk until Idon't know when. We have to be up early tomorrow. I'm laying awake in the dark. Why can't I sleep? Justclose my eyes. Why is this so hard?