Out...

I got to work today wanting to turn and walk out the door. I kept going though. One foot in front of the other until I reached our break room where I put my things down. My friend Amy had come by with two Gerbera daisies for me. They're my favorite flower.
"Thank you!" I squeal. They're bright orange.
"You're welcome! They came from my yard. I just wanted to say hello and see how you're doing."
"Thank you so much. I've gotten your messages, and I'm sorry I haven't called. It's just…" I trailed off.
"I know. I know. It's ok."
I hug her and let the tears come.
"Oh honey, don't cry." she hugs me hard.
I need to cry though. I don't care that I'm at work, my day hasn't started yet and I'll have mascara streaming down my cheeks. Don't care.
I remember a question I have for her. Amy is an EMT.
"I wanted to ask you something." I said as I lifted my head.
"Ok."
"How do you know if someone died instantly?"
"We don't unless we're there when it happened to take a pulse."
I nod, letting this sink in. "Just wondering."
We walk out of the room and into the reality that is my job today. I quietly set up my station. My first appointment is early. I enjoy doing her hair. It's pretty and easy. Everything runs smoothly. I get some coffee and sit in one of our office rooms on my lunch break to write in my journal. I'm still writing about the day he died. It's been a long process to write about it. I feel my life is passing me by and I haven't recorded any of it, which makes me anxious. I hate when I forget things. An hour goes by and I've barely managed to write a paragraph. I get so lost in my own head that times quickly passes by.
My work day ends yet again. I go home and wait for Kat to get off work. We decide to get sushi at Rob's favorite place. I haven't really talked to Kat since all of this happened and I miss her.
"How was your day?" she asks while playing with an avocado roll.
"Ok. Were you guys busy?"
"Towards the end, yeah."
I somehow start telling silly stories about random nights out with Rob, then switching gears to the day we moved his things out of his place. I'm still talking about him as if he's still here.
"We really wanted to hang out with you guys but Gordon and I both hate the weekends in the Highlands." she said.
"I know, I hated it too but when I was with Rob, it's like no one else was there. We had decided a few weeks ago to stay in more and cook."
Kat shares stories about what she went through when she lost her mother and a friend in high school. Everyone grieves so differently. It's also different for each person that you lose. She bought me this awesome journal that asks questions about memories and thoughts concerning the loss of someone. Eventually, I'll get started with it.
When we're stuffed full of raw fish and veggies we decide to head down the street to a quiet little bar not far from our house.
"I have to go to the bathroom first." she tells me.
"Me too."
While I'm waiting on her I have this intense urge to text Rob and tell him I love him. It's as if my mind thinks he's on vacation or something. I pull my phone out and type the words "I love you.", find his name in my list on contacts and press "send." In a few seconds the words "message sent" is displayed across my screen. I feel a little crazy but comforted as well. Who ever has his phone, whether it be his mom or his sisters may turn it on and see that one day.
We leave and walk down to the Cavern after dropping Kat's car off at the house. We each order Captain and Coke and sit outside on the patio. I'm still telling Rob stories, and trying to catch her up on the previous week. We run into our friend Pete's girlfriend, Laura and her roommate. Pete joins us shortly after. I listen to everyone talk about this or that and feel my eyes begin to wander a little. "Where's Rob?" I think to myself. I keep forgetting he's not with me. I can't find him in the crowds, or on the street or at my house or his. He's only in my head from now on. I suddenly feel this wave of emotion swelling up in my stomach. I'm surrounded by people but I feel completely alone. Everyone here has their other half. It's always been this way in my circle of friends. I'm always the single one. For the longest time I've been ok with that, until Rob. I never wanted to be without him. He said the same of me. I don't have a choice anymore. I just have to sit still and deal with it.
"How are you?" Pete asks after hugging me.
I shrug. "You know…"
He hugs me again. My face pressed to his chest reminds me of how I'd hug Rob. I squeeze him harder and let the tears come, knowing that when I open my eyes, yet again it won't be Rob I'm hanging on to.
"I'm so sorry Melissa." Pete says into my hair. "I can't believe you're out. I'm so proud of you."
I pull away, take off my glasses and look up at him.
"Pete. We were supposed to get brunch with you guys."
"I know." he said while his thumbs moved across my cheeks, drying my tears.
"We can still go. I mean, I want to hang out with ya'll. It's just going to be me though…" I trailed off.
He hugs me again then looks me in eye.
"I love you so much Melissa. I just want you to know that we're all here for you. Whatever you need, you call us anytime."
I sink into him again, not wanting to let go, not wanting to believe any of this is happening. I want to go home and find Rob there. I want to crawl into bed with him and wrap my arms around him, kiss his shoulder and tell him how much I love him.
We decide to go to MJQ later that evening. I can't believe I'm still awake at this point and not only that, but I wanna dance till my legs fall off. It's pretty late when we go in. Pete left his phone in the cab so we deal with that then Kat and I wander from one dance floor to another. I'm sober and I don't care what I look like. It's the first time in my life that I just dance for sheer enjoyment, unconcerned with anyone else in the room.
When it's time to go we all cab it back to our house, say goodbye to Pete and Laura and head inside. Kat and I say goodnight and I walk to my room. The bed is only unmade on the side that I've slept on. I pull on one of Rob's shirts and slide under the covers, pretending he's there with me.