Space case...

I sit at Inman Perk feeling the sun shining through the window, burning my back. I email my dad asking if he’d be interested in taking a day trip with me to Washington D.C. soon to look at a couple of museums. I’ve asked before and it’s something we’ve entertained the idea of but haven’t done yet. This makes me think about bugging him a while back to take me to his work (Delta Airlines) and show me his office, various shop departments, and the hangers. It took a year but he finally took me. I had a ball listening to him explain how things work, looking at the massive engines, and the enormous aircrafts that fly all over the world.
Somehow my email takes a turn and I want to tell him about my conversation with Kate last night. I feel the tears come again. I don’t open up to my dad very often but here I am, explaining how much I miss Rob, how much I wish he were here, and how alone I feel when I see that everyone around me has their significant other.
“Daddy, I’ll never touch him again. I’ll never see him again.” I repeated over and over to him on the phone trying to breathe, while walking home when he called to tell me about Rob’s accident.
I manage to write for a while before heading to various appointments I had to take care of this morning. While dealing with people I try to smile, act interested and not distracted. I save all my tears for when I’m in the car. After I finish everything up I decide to go to San Francisco Coffee again and write more. I feel fairly productive. My phone beeps telling me I have a text message. It’s my client Stuart.
“Hey! Court has finally ended! We still on?”
“Yup!” I text him back. We’re going to meet at Atlantic Station to see Iron Man.
“Iron Man is coming out soon. You wanna see it with me?” Rob asked while we were standing in line at Atlantic Station to see The Bank Job.
I raise an eyebrow as if to say ‘Are you serious?’
“C’mon! It’s gonna be awesome!”
“I don’t know about that.” I tease him. Of course I’ll go. I’m just going to give him a hard time about it first. “If I go, I think you need to come see Sex and the City with me.”
His face literally fell.
“No.” he shook his head.
“I guess you’ll be seeing Iron Man by yourself then!” I laughed.
Ah, but it’s me by myself. I was going to see it alone until I learned that Stuart wanted to see it so I asked him to go with me. We agreed to a 2:20pm show. I finish up a paragraph and leave to drive to midtown.
I pull up to a traffic light that just turned red. The vehicle in front of me is a black Eddie Bauer Explorer with a tag on the back that says Oct, 08. This vision alone reduces me to a puddle of tears. I’ve seen Explorers and Jeep Wranglers all over the place and I am reminded of Rob but today for whatever reason I can’t handle seeing another one.
The light turns green and I’m trying to concentrate on the road. I turn onto West Peachtree and get a hold of myself. My head is pounding. I park at Dillards once I get there and meet Stuart outside.
“How are you?” he asks.
“I’m fucked up!” I exclaim, complete with a huge smile because I don’t know what else to do. That about sums it up.
“I’m sorry.”
I don’t say anything, feeling ok with being quiet. Stuart’s one of those people I can tell my life story to, or say nothing at all and it’s perfectly acceptable.
“Who knew this would have happened?” he said.
I nod.
“You ready to go in?”
“Yup.”
Off we go. The theater is quiet. In my opinion the best time to see a movie is in the middle of the day. I usually go on Mondays.
“Where do you want to sit?” he asks.
“Don’t care.” I reply, suddenly remembering a guy I went to see a movie with asking me this. I was 21 then and couldn’t give him an answer. He tells me that we weren’t going anywhere until I made a decision, which has been a very difficult task for me. I finally did it though.
Stuart doesn’t move so I walk ahead remembering that brief memory plus Rob always encouraging me to have an opinion. I choose seats in the middle.
“This ok?” I ask.
“Yeah.”
Neither of us say a word until the movie ends. Rob was right. It was awesome and certainly something he would have enjoyed. I imagine us seeing it on a Friday night and him wanting to go to Atkins Park or the Highland Tap afterwards for dinner.
“Whatcha think?” Stuart asks.
“So good!” I exclaim.
“Yeah it was!”
We walk outside. It feels so hot already and it’s not even June yet.
“Thank you for seeing it with me.” I tell him, the sun burning my eyes.
“Of course! Glad to.” he smiled. “I need a haircut soon!”
“I’m in next week, then off the next, then back on track after that.” I reply.
“I’ll try and get in early next week.”
“Kay.” I nod. “Thanks again.”
“You’re welcome.”
I get into my car and sit in traffic for a while but I don’t care. I change clothes and put on my running shoes once I’m home. I promised myself I’d take today off and rest a bit but I can’t help it. It’s beautiful outside and my head needs some clearing. I go for eight miles. ‘Am I trying to blow out my knees?’ I think to myself. Apparently I’m a glutton for punishment. Apparently I enjoy causing myself pain, and trouble as a form of distraction. Maybe if my legs hurt it’ll take away from the hurt I’ve felt by stumbling into this black hole of grief that has swallowed me up.
When I make it back home, I grab my purse and walk to Trader Joes and buy some grapes. The walk back home was nice with the temperature dropping.
My eyes are heavy and of course my legs hurt. I take a shower and survey the situation in my room. It’s a mess. “What day is it?” I have to think. “Oh, Thursday.” I am reminded of the routine I had in place on Thursdays. I had everything put up and sparkly for when Rob would come over on Friday. I’ve slowly descended into messiness again without him. “Later.” I think to myself. At some point I’ll hate it and clean it. For now though, I’m going to sleep.