Twenty one...

It’s Sunday, Mother’s Day and raining when I wake up this morning. Daddy is sick and we’re not going to church today. I roll out of bed and eat breakfast, trying to stop concentrating on the fact that yet again, Rob isn’t next to me.
I get dressed and drive to west midtown to Octane. It’s one of my favorite coffee shops. As I approach the parking lot, I see they’re closed. Damn. I go back towards the Highlands and decide on Inman Perk. I pass Java Vino on the way and something tells me to turn around. Rob and I went there for wine and the occasional cup of coffee. We laughed how it was when it rained that we went the most. The last time we were here, we were on the couch and looking up “Saving Abel” and his favorite song “Addicted.” It was late…
I turn the car around and go back, parking in the lot in the same place Rob usually parked. I go inside and order a soy latte, then get my computer set up. I’m going to update my iTUNES software and load up my new Shuffle. I was with Rob at Best Buy when I saw the little purple device.
“Are you going to buy it?” he asked.
I knew I would but knew it wouldn’t be now.
“Nope.”
It was after my accident and his that I bought it. The same purple one I saw just weeks before. My original is in my Celica. At least that’s where it better be.
I watch the computer install the software. That gets boring so I stare out of the window and think about this week.
On Thursday I was driving home from Whole Foods and saw this gigantic turtle in the road. I swerved to miss him. Something told me to stop and get him out of the road, so I stop the car and get out, hoping I don’t get killed myself. The road winds and people speed on it all the time. I feel safe though for whatever reason and gently pick up this creature and put him safely on the other side of the road among the dirt and trees and continue home. That’s never happened to me. I’ve never saved a turtle. I’ve seen them when I was with mom or something. Never alone.
That night after work, I have a feeling that I need to go to the bookstore. It’s going to rain though and I don’t want to get stuck in that mess. I argue with said feeling saying I’ll go tomorrow. It argues back and says to go now. No! I win and go home.
I’m exhausted and decide to watch “P.S. I Love You.” Hillary Swank’s character loses her husband and he manages to put together this grand scheme of sending her letters every month. I watched it in the theater back in December when it came out. I remember thinking, “I hope I never have to go through that.” Sure enough, here I am, wrapped up in Rob’s shirt and eating a damn pint of ice cream, crying with Ms Swank as she makes her way through her grief. It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone. We all go through grief.
On Friday, I have computer trouble. I decide on my lunch break that I’ll work on it then. By the time my lunch break rolls around I could care less about the computer because the feeling telling me to go to the bookstore has returned with determination. Ok, ok, I’m going.
Once I’m there, I wander, unsure of where to go. I look at a couple of things and stop to think about the days following Rob’s death. For the first time in my life, I was questioning, what happens to us when we die? Where are we? How is it that Rob can be with me, his family and friends all at the same time? How is it that he can hear all of us and fill us all with his love? Days were still going by and sometimes I’d have to dismiss the thoughts because it got to be too overwhelming. One day though the word “energy” popped into my head. That’s it. I thought to myself. We’re all energy. Energy can go anywhere and do anything, especially if it’s part of God. I felt this overwhelming sense of comfort after that piece of the puzzle clicked in my head.
I stop in the “New Age” section of the bookstore. This stuff usually freaks me out. One book in particular pops out at me. “Do Dead People Watch You Shower?” by Concetta Bertoldi. I picked it up and began to flip through it. The author is a medium and she answers the most commonly asked questions about life after death. I’m fascinated. I can’t buy it though, I’ve already got too much to read. The feeling returns though, washing over me and instructing me to buy the book. Ok, ok. I do.
Back at work, I show it to my manager, Monique. While she’s flipping through it, she makes the comment that this was written recently. I didn’t bother to check the publication until later that night. It was written this year. Chills run through my spine. I stop to wonder if Rob’s trying to tell me something. Trying to help me understand where he is.
My Aunt Teal is on her way to pick me up. Kate’s graduation is tomorrow and I’m spending the night at her house so I can ride with her to Athens in the morning. I put the book away as she calls to tell me she’s outside. We go to dinner and to a movie. We’re both exhausted by the time we get to her house. I fall into bed and fall asleep almost instantly.
The next morning, I felt my aunt’s presence before she asked if I was awake. I’ve been this way since I was little. I’ll almost feel someone coming to wake me up and my eyes will open before they can say anything.
We get ready and head out. I’m wearing my favorite black top and red pants that were Rob’s favorite. Only for today am I’m going to wear UGA colors, I think to him. I’m still a Gator fan.
Aunt Teal and I talk the whole way up to Athens. We talk about family members passing, things that we’ve seen and heard. The pieces of puzzles that were empty for me, she’s now filling. I was very young when I lost my great grandparents. I have tiny bits of memories still from them.
We get to Athens, park and walk to the stadium. Shevis finds us and walks us to Rob’s family. I sit between him and Laura. The sun is bright and birds are everywhere. All the graduates are filing in and taking their places in the middle of the lawn.
“How are you?” Shevis asks me.
“I’m alive.”
“Yeah… You know you’re going to see Rob again right?”
“I know. I just, hate that this happened.” I reply.
“I know. He was one of my closest friends. Did you know he lived with me for a few months?”
“No!” I laughed.
“Yeah, we used to go off-roading all the time. Crazy stuff. You know you’ll have to come with us one day.”
“I know! Rob wanted me to go and I said I’d try it but I make no promises!” I laughed.
“I think you’ll like it.” he smiled.
“Where’s the Jeep?” I suddenly ask.
“Um. Robby had it towed to the back of his property. We’re going to take some parts off of it and then take it to a junk yard.” he replied.
I nod. I never wanted to see it again.
Shevis and I talk about our faith and how this whole thing has further solidified it for each of us and how even Rob’s dad has changed some.
“He brought Kate flowers and a card last night when we went out to dinner. He’s never done that before.”
“That’s awesome.” I smile. The ripple effect of this whole situation has been huge.
“I think I see Kate!” Laura pipes up. Shevis calls her and sure enough, it’s her waving to us from the field. I imagine for a moment that it’s Rob next to me instead of my cousin. It’s Rob’s warm arm against mine, it’s his laugh I hear, his smile that lights up my entire being. I remember Rob telling about Kate’s graduation. Never did I ever think it would be me attending without him.
We’re all seated again and I think about Kate and how I know I can’t bring Rob back but I want her know that I promise to try and love her as much as he did. I’ll try to be here for her as best I can.
As the thought leaves my mind, I see a guy several rows down from us wearing a shirt that Rob had, that now belongs to me. I’m filled again with this warm sense of comfort. The feeling would wash over me anytime I was in Rob’s presence. I couldn’t get enough. Makes me smile.
The ceremony ends and Kate eventually finds us. We all laugh, hug and take pictures. She’s got another ceremony to go to. Aunt Teal and I have to get back to Atlanta. Off we go.
At home I feel lost. I go back to the bookstore and buy two copies of the book I bought yesterday. One for mom and one for Rob’s mom. I also got some pictures developed of me and Rob. One in particular makes me smile from ear to ear. It’s him in the driver’s seat of his Explorer, smiling all cute. I didn’t notice it on the camera but after I got it developed, I can see that the way his eyes are, the expression he’s wearing is the same one he always looked at me with. I cry feeling so grateful to have this captured forever to remember how he looked at me. It was the sweetest expression ever.
My computer beeped, letting me know that iTUNES had properly downloaded. I bring my head back to reality and load up music on my Shuffle. When that’s done, I decide to run. I drive to Kat’s condo and park. I run down the driveway and on to the pavement. I decide to run to I-75 from here and back. It’ll be eight miles. I don’t concentrate on that though. I feel something inject itself into my spine, holding me upright, opening my eyes and mind. It pushes energy through the muscles that inhabit my legs and propels them effortlessly forward. Lastly, it fills my heart with such an overwhelming sense of unconditional love that my body trembles and my eyes fill with tears. He’s right here with me. I think to myself. If only I could touch him…
I do my eight miles and feel awesome afterwards. My knees and shins don’t hurt but I’m awfully thirsty. I shower and get cleaned up. The rest of the afternoon is a whirlwind between going to mom and dad’s, my grandmother’s and Rob’s parents.
Home. It’s quiet again. I won’t be waking up at 3am to Rob’s gentle voice next to me saying goodbye before he leaves to drive back to Anderson. I close my eyes...