Fourteen...

I woke up to my alarm at 6:30am. I'm meeting Amy for coffee before work. The last time I saw her was a few weeks ago. Rob and I had dinner at her place with her and her husband Jamie. We couldn't wait to see them again.
"Melissa, every time he looked at you, you could see the fireworks." she said to me shortly after on the phone. I was grinning so hard my face hurt. I knew the way he looked at me was the sweetest expression ever but it's extra special when someone else notices also.
I turn over in bed and see yet again that I'm alone. The left side of my bed has remained untouched. I sigh and roll over and out of the bed, feeling my feet hit the cold wooden floor. I stumble into the bathroom and start the shower. I peel off his shirt. It smells more like me than him now.
I step into the shower and feel the hot water striking my bare skin. I'm completely listless as I go through the motions of getting clean. I need to cry and I'm frustrated that the tears won't come. I reach down to turn the water off. Where's my towel? I think to myself. I step out of the bathtub and on to the tile. I take Rob's towel off the rack and wrap it around me. I don't know why I felt the need to do that but I did.
In my room, I pull on my favorite pair of jeans and open my t-shirt drawer. I don't know what I feel like wearing. As the thought leaves my mind, I feel compelled to put on a striped navy shirt my mom gave me back in high school that has a ladybug on it. I haven't worn it in forever.
"I need a pet name for you." Rob said to me one night on the phone.
"Oh yeah?" I laugh.
"I think I got it."
"What is it?" I ask.
"Ladybug." he replied.
"Perfect!" I laugh again.
I pull the shirt on and think "Rob, are you dressing me today?" I grab my work bag and begin to head for the door. I stop and look at my room before turning out the light. Everything feels empty without him.
I get to Inman Perk coffee before Amy and order a soy latte. I've had one every day in memory of Rob. It was his favorite drink and I feel that consuming it, let's me consume a part of him.
As I sit and get settled it dawns on me that I still have to go to work today. I stare at the wall. No. I can't. I can't focus on hair and conversation today. I need some time. Just a little time alone. Not too much though.
Amy walks in and hugs me hard.
"How are you sweetie?" she says when I let go.
I shrug. "You know…"
"I'm so sorry."
I nod. "Thank you."
She goes to get coffee and then sits with me. I've missed her so much. It's hard to look at her though. I can't stop thinking about the future plans Rob and I were making with her and her husband.
We talk non stop. I tell her all about the week following his death and she fills me in on pieces of her life. I could stay here all day and talk.
"I have to study this afternoon." she sighs.
"Yeah, I need to call the salon."
"You not going in?"
"I can't today." I shake my head. "I'm so overwhelmed for some reason."
She hugs me goodbye. We promise to hang out again soon. I call work. I hate calling in. I don't do it unless I'm near death. This feels pretty close to it though. I get into the car and turn on the ignition. Another weird feeling comes over me. I feel compelled to go to visit Rob at the cemetery. I decide to go home and get my Gerbera daisies.
I arrive at my driveway put the car in park. I don't get out though. I stare at the sky. No clouds. It looks like it did the day he died. I then remember that it's Sunday. It's been fourteen days since my dad called to say Rob was gone. I pick up my phone and dial Rob's number. It goes straight to voicemail. I cannot grasp the fact that the voice I hear no longer exists. It's only a recording of vibrations escaping a body that was once alive, reverberating in my ears.
I hang up before the beep and climb out of the car. I walk into my house and get the flowers and a notebook before walking back out again. My brain is wandering but manages to direct my hands and feet to go this way and that until I get to the cemetery. I park the car and get out. It's starting to get warm outside. I walk until I find him, next to his great aunt. I walk back to the car and put it in reverse and back up until I'm parallel to him. The song playing on the radio is Jewel's "You Were Meant For Me." It's the third time I've heard it in two weeks. I wonder if he's playing it for me.
I get out of the car again with my notebook and flowers and walk over to him. I place the flowers on the new grass that covers the grave and sit down. I write for a while, pausing occasionally to look around, or to stare at the grass before me. A memory creeps into my mind about us laying in bed. I had climbed on top of him one morning, head resting on his chest, my arms looped under his with my fingers resting on his shoulders, knees drawn up to his ribcage, trying to get as close as possible to him. I felt like a little bug taking up residence on his soft body.
An hour passed. My skin was beginning to burn. I decided to leave and go to my parent's. I have yet again, this intense urge to play the piano and to paint. I want to learn a new song. I have no patience when it comes to learning music but I see and accept now that I can't do something perfectly the first time and that doesn't mean I'm not good at it, it just means I need to practice. Apparently I somehow managed to believe I was above practicing. Over and over, one measure at a time I went over and over the notes until I slowly began to get it right. It's going to take an eternity to learn this song but I'm going to do it! Getting lost in playing has taken my mind to a different place.
I do manage to squeeze in some paint time. Again, I stopped focusing on being perfect and just put paint to canvas. I'm still judgmental over my work but I think that will fade eventually.
I'm so sleepy. I need to write but I can't think anymore. I drive back to Atlanta, singing the whole way home. This time two weeks ago I was at Rob's parent's. I still don't fully comprehend all that's happened.